


If Not For You

by Caitybug



Series: If Not For You [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: 'you get a little Baz pov... as a treat', (Simon's mom), Abusive Parent, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hair Washing, I have a few chapters of Baz POV thrown in, I just needed it high enough to get into the school I wanted him in, M/M, Milkshake Dates, Minor Character Death, Murder, POV Simon, Panic Attacks, Showers, Simon loves science and math, Simon works at a petting zoo, Some depictions of violence, and a hardware store at one point, brief mention of barista Simon, but like also fluff and happiness, eventually penny/shepard, flirting through winks, forced time-sharing via punishment, hand holding as a means of providing comfort, he isn’t that handy though, implied sex, in case the summary wasn't obvious about that, malcolm is a good dad here bc I need someone to be a good father figure, mentions of applying to college and SAT scores, public school bonding, shenny?, specifically Simons, surviving after a parent has died, they're american here fyi, tw: mentions of APUSH, unrealistic portrayal of SAT scores
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 92,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22764742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitybug/pseuds/Caitybug
Summary: Simon was born and raised in the midwest, and he thinks he has his life figured out. He has a girlfriend that he feels happy with, is excited to drive for his junior year, and can't wait to get away from his father when he goes away for school.However, this all changes when his mom dies and he is carted to the east coast to start at a boarding school. Simon then has to deal with having a roommate (who hates him), living with his mother's death, and wanting to be anywhere but where he is.To add to it all, one day he gets a strange phone call, and he wonders if his mother's death was really an accident at all.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: If Not For You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652620
Comments: 331
Kudos: 238





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from "If Not for You" By George Harrison.
> 
> This is set in the spring of 2019 (this is part 1 of this semester).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is living his life as your generic midwestern boy when his father makes a surprise visit home to tell him and his mother that they are moving soon. 
> 
> Cue Simon not handling that well, and some feelings of angst. 
> 
> Spring 2019 pt 1.

Simon

“Simon!” My mom shouts from downstairs. “You’re going to be late for the bus!”

I look at my watch.

_6:35._

_Fuck._

I grab my backpack, praying silently that I remembered my charger, and fly down the steps. 

I’m not sure how I _always_ manage to be late. I’m awake at five in the morning and my bus doesn’t arrive until 6:37, giving me an hour and a half to get ready for school. I could eat breakfast (fuck, I forgot that too), watch the news (it’s a nightmare each day. Even Darren the weatherman can’t bring me any joy), and get dressed. 

Yet I’m somehow _always_ late. 

I can’t make any excuses. I’m not busy doing homework or working on my appearance. 

I grab a granola bar and let my mom kiss my cheek goodbye. 

“Should you wear a different sweatshirt?” She shouts as I start for the front door. 

I look down at my sweatshirt, seeing a small ketchup stain from the night before. I shrug and continue on.

(I hear her scoff.)

I slam the front door closed (I shout an apology to my mom to avoid any possible anger) and see my bus approaching. 

I press play on my phone and put in my earbuds, running to the bus. 

I step inside, taking in the brown leather seats, and various other students already in their usual spots.

I find one (luckily I’m early enough that I can still find one of the remaining seats that _doesn’t_ have a large gash cut into it) and place my bag next to me. 

I’ve got a month left of sophomore year, which feels odd. I’m starting to get so close to the end. Almost halfway done with high school. 

I’m not the best student- but I do well. My favorite classes are math and science (my mom doesn’t understand why.) I think it’s because, to be frank, words were never my strong suit. The numbers, the facts, and the data behind those subjects are easier for me to understand. 

In grade school I took some speech therapy with a volunteer from the local university. (I don’t think she continued on in the field afterward, but she was cool.) All I remember caring about at eight-years-old was the fact I had to miss P.E. each week to do it. 

A few more students enter the bus, sleepily looking for a seat. A red-haired boy nods in my direction as he passes (I nod back.)

There’s something about being on a bus so God-damned early in the morning that bonds people together. 

He takes the seat behind me, and the bus lurches forward. 

As we approach another stop, I switch my phone to another playlist, attempting to wake myself up. 

I was so focused on leaving on time and pressing play, I forgot to change it from my sleeping playlist. 

I hear the swell of a song begin, (The Beatles), and I lean my head against the window, trying to get back into my thoughts. (Praying the bus ride is over soon.) The vibrations of the window against my head keep me from falling asleep, but I know if I stay like this I’ll get a headache. 

(Regardless, I don’t move.)

I’m so close to junior year, and it’s _thrilling_. To be an upperclassman means I can drive myself to school and I will be _even closer_ to college. 

I’m so excited for the former- to have a car and a _license_ and to be able to drive myself to school. (Assuming I can get a car, of course.) I’ve been working part-time at a coffee shop to save up money. Even if all I can afford is a junker, I’ll be satisfied. 

(Mom is trying to work my dad up to let them help me out with a payment, but I’m not counting on it.)

“You are such an amazing kid.” She had said, putting a hand under my chin. “You do well in school, you work, and you even volunteer at one of your dad’s shelters in your spare time.” 

(I try not to mention if I didn’t help dad out he would go berserk on me.)

It’s not bad though- I enjoy helping out. 

“I’ll talk to him, okay?” Then she kissed the top of my head and left me sitting at the kitchen table, wishing it could always be like this. 

It’s not that my dad is a complete terror _all_ the time. He has his moments like any father does. 

Sometimes his employees will come to me saying he was bragging about an A I got on a test. That he is elated and tells them all how amazing I am.

(I try not to bring up that when he sees me he says I need to work harder, that I am lazy, and I need to apply myself more. )

I’m not sure what I can do to please him; nothing ever seems to make him proud. 

(He also has his times where he _can_ be terrifying.) 

He never hits, though, and he makes a point of mentioning it. 

“I know I’m not the best father,” he would say, trying to apologize after an outburst. “At least I’m never physical. I would never lay a hand on you or your mother- I love you both too much. You could have gotten a lot worse” Then he’d chuckle- like it was some kind of a joke. 

Sometimes I want to scream at him and let him know you can’t brag about not hitting your kid and wife. That’s not how life works. Fathers don’t immediately get a medal for not getting violent with their families. 

Could you imagine if that was the case? Like _congrats for being a normal human being and not hurting the person you chose to spend your life with and the child that you decided to bring into the world._

But instead, I would smile and agree, knowing if I didn’t things could get worse for both my mother and me. 

Another group of sleepy students comes on board, and I move my backpack so someone can sit next to me. It’s when I feel the shift in the seat next to me I look over and notice who it is.  
Agatha. 

“Hey Aggie,” I say, pulling an earbud out and offering it to her. She shakes her head in disgust- she has never been a fan of my music. Agatha is more of a top 40s girl. 

(It’s not that I don’t like pop music, I think all music is fun and great-but I typically lean left of center.)

I pop the earbud back in and let her wrap her arm around mine. It’s too early in the morning for talking, which she made sure to tell me early into our relationship. 

“I need at least 6 more ounces of my coffee and forty-five minutes before we can talk.” She had said the first morning we sat like this. 

We had started dating and I thought it was only polite to try to make conversation with her; apparently, I was wrong. 

A Talking Heads song comes on and I feel myself slowly bobbing my head up and down.

(My mom and I were listening to this song last weekend while baking cookies. She was dancing, I was singing into a wooden spoon. The cookies burned- but the smiles were endless.)

(Sometimes in those moments, where mistakes happen and the world doesn’t fall apart, I get a glimpse at what normal families might be like.)

My dad, David, frequently works out of town. He started a nonprofit here and it grew to be a national thing. (A national nonprofit doesn’t feel right. But it’s there, I guess.) Therefore, he’s often needed at his other locations. He checks on them, helps them grow, does a lot of press and such.

(Mainly it seems as if he’s just schmoozing more influential people.)

(But I guess that’s part of fundraising, perhaps.)

This nonprofit is serving the youth. It includes shelters, after school programs, and supporting those in communities that don’t get what they should. 

On paper, it seems good. I’ve even worked in them and interacted with his employees, with those who receive services.

He truly seems to help them.

But-

You’d think for a man who seems to care _so much_ for everyone else, who pours his time into serving those in various communities across the nation, he’d care more about his own son.

People are so grateful for him.

But he doesn’t give me the time of day unless it’s convenient for him. 

“Si!” I hear over my music. I pull out my headphones and look at Agatha.

I realize the bus has stopped and we are at school now. 

(I must have _really_ gotten lost in my own head this time.)

“Sorry Ag, you ready?” I grab my backpack and follow her off the bus. 

“Ugh, never.” She flips her long blonde hair behind her shoulders. “It doesn’t help that I have geometry for first hour and we have a quiz on a bunch of proofs and theorems I can’t get my head around.”

“Do you need help?” 

She waves me off. “Nah, if I don’t know it by now I don’t think I ever will. It’s not like I’ll need this information when I leave high school anyway.” She then kisses my cheek and walks down the hall towards her locker. 

“See you at lunch!” I shout back, heading towards my own locker. 

I have APUSH first hour (AP US History.) It’s hard to get myself awake enough to listen, but I want to try to get as many college credits as I can so I can hit the ground running in two years. 

_Two years._

_I can get away in two years._

I can barely contain my happiness.

____________

The day goes by slowly and uneventfully. 

I get through my classes, Aggie and I have lunch together. She tells me about her day and I listen carefully. (Something about a horse riding competition from the weekend and about her geometry quiz this morning.)

Truthfully, I wonder if I’m a good boyfriend to her. I love her so much but I feel like I mess up a lot. I often feel like I can’t _quite_ get this thing right. Maybe we don’t mesh like we should. 

(Or there’s the terrifying thought that I’m just not able to provide anything to someone as their boyfriend. That I might be defective.)

It’s not like it’s her fault though, so I keep trying my best for her. I listen to her stories complaining about getting her phone taken in class, how she can’t wait to be done taking foreign languages because she isn’t good at them and make sure to assure her, _yes I will be coming to dinner Saturday. No, I won’t show up in those hideous jeans again._

She deserves that. Someone who tries their best over and over again.

I don’t have work after school on Tuesdays so I get to stay home. Mom has work until 6 so I am in charge of dinner (she put roast beef in the crockpot- I have to make the potatoes.) I have music playing in the background (right now it’s Chelsea Dagger) and am working through a paper on _motifs_ found in the book we are currently reading. 

(My teacher told us that if something happens at least three times it’s considered a motif.)

I squint at a page, trying to decide if the author _meant_ for the specific detail of flowers to be repeated or not. 

(I decide to go with yes, he did.)

It’s a feat I get the three required pages out, to be honest. 

I close my laptop, nearly missing the sound of the front door opening. My eyes dart to the clock, immediately panicking and thinking I lost track of time and now mom is home- expecting there to be potatoes to go with the roast. 

(It’s only 4:30 though.) 

“Did you get off early, mom?” I shout into the void, closing my books and cleaning up before heading to the noises I hear in the kitchen.

“When will dinner be ready?” 

I pause, readjusting my brain. 

The voice I hear is not my mom’s light and comforting one. 

It’s deep, serious.

(And sends a jolt to my heart, making my body go into fight-or-flight mode.)

“Oh, dad-” I immediately wipe the Doritos crumbs off my jeans and click pause on the music playing on my phone. “I thought you weren’t coming back until Sunday?”

“That-” he starts, slamming a cabinet shut and turning to me “was not answering my question.”

“Mom will get home a little after six, she asked me to make potatoes- so it’ll be a bit,” I say softly. When he’s like this, I know I have to watch my tone of voice and body language. I make myself small and nonthreatening- it helps to prevent any kind of blow up. 

He groans and grabs a granola bar and tosses the (now empty) box on the counter. Then he stalks off to the living room and turns on the T.V. 

(So much for my breakfast plans in the morning.)

I get to work on the potatoes and hope mom gets home early so I don’t have to please David on my own this evening. I shoot her a text in case he hadn’t said anything to her and hope for the best. 

To keep me busy I decide to make mashed potatoes. Between peeling, cleaning, cooking, and mashing them, it takes a while and keeps me out of dad’s hair. 

(It’s always best to stay out of the way when he is involved.)

Mom gets home at about 5:45, goes to the living room after giving me a quick kiss on my cheek, and comes back with dad in ten minutes. 

I have the table set up-we have this routine down pat when he is home. Everything needs to happen quickly, quietly, and to his satisfaction. 

_I thought we would have a few more days before he was back again._

“Lovely dinner Luce,” he says to mom, putting his hand on hers. 

_Maybe tonight will be a good night after all._

“Thanks, hun.” She smiles at him. “You didn’t mention you were coming back early- did something happen?”

“Do I need to have a reason to come home and see my family?” He replies, raising both his eyebrows and staring her down. 

“No, of course not,” Lucy says warmly. (She also knows to be gentle with him.) “I was curious. Si and I are, of course, glad you are here- right, Si?” 

I clear my throat before replying “Of course! Maybe we can go to the movies Friday?”

We never go anywhere together. He’s always too busy. But I offer because I know he likes to feel included. 

“Maybe we can.” He replies, visibly calming down. 

It isn’t until after dinner is cleared up and I start to get ready for bed when I hear a knock on the doorframe to the bathroom and get the answer to mom’s question. 

“Simon, Love, can we talk?” mom asks, walking to sit on the edge of the bathtub while I brush my teeth. 

I look at her and motion for her to continue while I finish. 

“Your dad got a job offer.” She starts, looking down at the ground then. “It’s in New York with a school. He got offered an administrator’s position- dean, actually, and he can still continue his work on his shelters.”

I nod my head in acknowledgment. I’ve got I Fell in Love with a Girl playing softly on my phone to time myself. I know it’s easier to hum the ABC’s a couple of times or something, but this feels better. I’ve got a whole playlist of songs about two minutes long. Stupid, I’m sure, but I’ve already had one root canal, I don’t want another. 

“He wants us to move with him.”

I spit the toothpaste out of shock, some hits the curtain behind where she is sitting. 

It’s all starting to make sense. Mom and I always have hard conversations in the bathroom (I know- it’s weird, somehow it has become our sacred space. I’m not sure why.) 

“What?” I say after washing out my mouth and pausing the music. I grab a washcloth and clean the curtain behind her. 

“You heard right, hun.” She stands and reaches for me. I think about not letting her hug me, but I swear moms have magic powers. 

I’m already crying. 

“But what about Agatha? And my classes? I’ve got a job and friends and _plans._ ”

Yes, my plans heavily involved me leaving, but still. I wasn’t supposed to be leaving here with _him._

(Though, if he remains on the east coast, that means the west coast is wide open for me.)

(I hate how nice the idea of being the entire country away from him sounds.)

“Shhh..” She says, running her fingers through my hair. “I know hun, I know. I’m going to try to talk to him- okay? Two years isn’t long. Maybe we could stay behind and visit so you can finish out school.”

I nod my head, knowing it probably won’t work. But I hope it does. 

“I wanted to be open and honest with you about it. I hope I didn’t choose wrong.” She leans back to look at me.

“No, I appreciate it, mom.” I wipe the snot on my shirt. “I should probably go to bed- it’s getting late.”

“Yeah okay.” She lets me go. “I love you, Simon. I’m sorry- I’m going to try really hard, okay?”

“Thanks, mom.”

____________

I haven't gotten a good night’s sleep for a couple of weeks. At this point, sleep and I have become distant acquaintances, only meeting up to say _“Hey how are you doing? We should totally hang out soon!”_ only to never speak again.  
We see each other- but it’s awkward, short, and never as good as you want it to be. 

I don’t have the heart to tell mom the biggest reason I don’t want to go is that I don’t want to be closer to him. I want to stay as far as possible from him- for both me and her. 

He won’t listen to reason- I already know it. He already knows it. 

I’ve already searched the school too- some boarding school in New York called Watford. I’ve never heard of it, but I dread having a uniform and the possibility of living on campus. 

_Fuck this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs mentioned:  
> Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da- The Beatles  
> And She Was- Talking Heads  
> Chelsea Dagger- The Fratellis  
> I Fell In Love With a Girl- The White Stripes
> 
> Also please feel free to check out my [Tumblr](http:www.tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I also have made a few playlists if anyone wants them. There is a big If Not For You one, and then some others. 
> 
> [ If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=8xy9CMYNQJGM7ueIiSvm_A)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's last semester of sophomore year comes to a close. He is struggling with his father's decision to move them across the country. On top of this Agatha breaks up with him, and he comes home and has no idea where his mother is. 
> 
> That is until he realizes what happened.
> 
> Spring 2019 pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Some of this may be triggering due to depictions of Lucy dead. They are brief in mention, but I know the idea of him going through that could be hard for anyone. If this is something you'd like to avoid you may either stop reading when David shows up, or when Simon heads home from school. I'll give a general cap of what happens in the author's notes at the end. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy regardless of this. It was definitely one of the hardest chapters I've written.

I only have one more week of school, then finals, and I’ve no idea if I’m going to see these people again. Agatha and I have already had the “talk” (not sex- I mean about long-distance relationships.) 

“Simon,” she had started, hands reaching over to be on top of mine. 

I had taken her out and told her about everything. We were at a diner that serves my favorite milkshake (I am going to miss it- chocolate mint), and I already could feel it in my gut. She wasn’t going to want to stick it out with me when I was on the other side of the country. 

“I just don’t know how we are going to do it- you know?” She seemed remorseful. Maybe our relationship had more meaning to her than I thought? “But, I do think this is for the best Si. I mean, think about it, really think about it. We’ve never been like overtly in love with each other.”

“I love-” I started

“No, I know, Si.” She interrupted. “I love you too, but I wonder if sometimes we love each other like friends and just hope the rest falls into place. You know?”

I hated what she was saying because I did understand. I had felt the same way for a while- but I was trying really hard to  _ not _ be the kind of boyfriend who quits or becomes distant. She deserves a lot better, so I have to let her go. We spent the last week in a weird haze of trying to talk to each other but not really knowing  _ how _ to talk to each other. 

So now I am at school for my last day of finals, not quite knowing yet if I’m coming back, and therefore not sure how to say goodbye to anyone. I guess dad has already said we are leaving, but I’m still holding on to hope mom and I can stay. I am sitting on the grass in the quad trying hard to go back through my study guide for Algebra II and do random problems, but my head isn’t all the way in it. Max Frost is blaring through my headphones, and I’m trying hard to get through this last final. 

My mom already told me we could go out to dinner tonight or she could cook something at home. I never give up an opportunity to make her cook roast beef, so she already started cooking it this morning. She is still trying to get dad to budge, but we are packing up our things as if we are leaving. 

I may be in denial. 

____________

On the way home I’m bouncing up and down. I’ve got Vampire Weekend playing in my ears, and am ignoring everyone else around me. All I’m thinking of is my mom, dinner, and nothing else. If I focus on anything else, and what may be happening beyond all of this, I’ll start to spiral again. 

When I walk in the house I am immediately met with the smell of roast beef and a sigh of relief washes through me. 

“Mom, are you home?” I shout- no response given. I thought I saw her car, but maybe she is in the bathroom or something. I shrug my shoulders and make my way to my room. 

Right now my room is a mess. There are opened boxes with clothes I don’t ever wear thrown carelessly in them, my bed is unmade (when do I ever make it though? Only when my mom forces me too. Or when dad is home- which he is gone for the next three days, thank God.) I throw my backpack on the floor and lie down on my bed. 

I must fall asleep at some point because when I open my eyes again the sky is a mixture of orange, yellow, pink, and purple. Sitting up on my bed, I notice again how quiet the house is. When dad is gone mom and I almost never live in complete silence. 

It’s like we are finally given permission to take up space when he is gone. We can exist without abandon and consequences. So the silence is completely out of my realm here- it’s almost like my ears are starting to ring from it. 

I get up to investigate- first going to the kitchen, where I find nothing besides a crockpot with roast beef. I turn it down after looking at the pot and pull out my phone to text her. 

Mom (ICE)

Thursday, May 21st, 2019 7:23 pm

Hey! I turned down the pot for the 

food- everything okay?

I hit send and slide it into my pocket, but then I hear a phone go off in the other room. Immediately I recognize it as her ringtone for my texts. I still remember the day she picked it- we were sitting on the couch looking through our new phones and playing the different ringtones. There is one called ‘complete’ and she chose it for me because I ‘make her life complete’. 

Like I said before- she’s a big cheeseball (I love her so much.) 

I walk towards the noise from the phone, but I don’t see it- so I give it a call and follow the ringing noise into the hallway and then to her bedroom. The door is shut, but I give it a knock. 

I pause and wait, but hear no answer. Maybe she’s asleep? She usually wakes up easily though- especially when her phone isn’t on silent. 

Something doesn’t feel right. 

I’m not quite sure what I expect to find in there, but I start to open the door anyway. As I do so I hear the front door open- and I breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Mom- Where have you been?” I ask, walking back towards the front of the house. 

“Is your mother not here?” I hear a man respond.  _ Oh _ .

“Dad? I thought you weren’t coming back until Monday?” Now my anxiety spiked. He isn’t supposed to be coming back without warning- I’m not prepared. The house isn’t prepared- mom certainly can’t be prepared either. 

“I thought I’d come back to celebrate your end of school.” I see him now, shaking his jacket off and taking off his shoes before coming up to give me a hug. “I wanted to surprise you. Thought we could go out and get Thai food from that one place you like.”

“Mom is making roast beef,” I say quietly, looking back towards her room. 

“Where is she- I assumed she’d be home about now.” His brows furrow as he makes his way back to their room. 

“I’m not sure- I called her phone but I heard it go off in there.” I point to their door. 

The next bit of my life happens in slow motion. Dad walks into his room and I hear him yell out. At first, I think he is physically yelling at her and I flinch, but then I realize it’s something different entirely. I run to the room but he pushes me out, phone in hand- talking to a 911 dispatcher. 

“Dad, what’s happening?” I’m frantic at this point- hoping, praying, hoping it’s not what my gut is telling me. 

He’s rattling off our address as I ask him, and it’s the next sentence that breaks me. 

“My wife, she’s dead- please, please hurry.” He is crying at this point- but I don’t care. I try to run past him again, hoping this is all a big ruse. 

Once he hangs up he grabs me by the shoulders. 

“I need to see her, please,” I beg, tears rolling down my cheeks.  _ I need to know you’re lying _ my words are saying. I can’t call him a liar outright, but I know I am insinuating it. 

“I’m not going to let you see her like this. She would never have wanted it. The police are on their way.” He holds me close but I push him away. I don’t want him here- I need my mom. She’s the one who deserves everything- who I was supposed to get to celebrate with. We were going to eat roast beef, I was going to make sweet mashed potatoes, and we were going to get ice cream (we hadn’t finalized the last bit, but I knew I could convince her.) It was going to be a night to distract me from everything else. 

Now I would gladly move to Timbuktu with dad if it meant she was okay. 

____________

The next couple of weeks were a blur. The police came, and I did end up seeing her. No matter how dad tried, he couldn’t have stopped me. I threw up when I saw her, her head was covered in blood- and her eyes were void of their usual light. 

It was almost as if with her life I lost mine too. I stopped caring as much and I couldn’t listen to half the music I usually did because it reminded me of her. I was like a ghost. I was in the room, merely existing, whether it was finishing the packing job we had started or getting questioned by police (this part was the hardest. I had been in the house for  _ hours _ and had no idea. They were following protocol in their investigation, but to even slightly feel like they might suspect me made my blood boil. Thank God the lawyer stopped them), and getting through the funeral. 

After the investigation and her death ruled an accident (she fell over and hit her head on the edge of a table. I guess she was trying to get the stuff off the top of the bookshelf in their room to pack.), her body was cremated and it was final. She was gone and wasn’t going to be coming back. 

Logically I knew it would happen one day. But parent deaths are supposed to happen when you’re not a kid. I was supposed to experience so much of life before I had to experience this bit of reality. There was going to be my high school graduation, college graduation, maybe a wedding or a kid or two in there. I’m not sure. If we were really lucky there could even be grandkids for me and she could have been a great-grandma. 

She would have made a really good grandparent. 

Now, however, I’m sitting here in the car with my dad, wearing a sweatshirt mom bought once when we went to six flags for a weekend, and I’ve experienced what I never thought I’d have to. I’m fifteen years old. I’m moving across the country from everything I’ve ever known- to be closer to my dad, without my mom. Without the person who would protect me with everything she had. Without the person who sang too loud to ABBA, burned cookies every time she tried to cook them, and who I needed more than anything else in the world. 

I’ve cried enough- I had decided. Crying wasn’t going to bring her back, all it did was make dad upset. He said men should push on and it was weak for me to cry. I knew how he felt about weak people, and it was best to push it all down. So I put on my headphones and play music on my phone and close my eyes. The faint sound of Bastille is going through my ears as we pass through Tennessee, a car filled with boxes. 

Dad tried to prevent me from packing all of mom’s things. He said it was only going to hurt us more to have to unpack it, and we needed a new start. 

_ Fuck that shit _ . I packed as much of it as I could. I wasn’t going to let her disappear from view when we moved. 

It backfired on me, but it was worth it. I was packing some of her favorite blankets (‘you can never have enough blankets Simon’ she always said) and listening to music through my earbuds. It was after a lull in between songs I realized dad had entered the room and was trying to talk to me. 

“Oh, sorry, what’s up?” I asked, pulling out an earbud and standing up straight. 

“Are you fucking serious?” His face was red.  _ Shit _ . What have I done now? I quickly looked around me. He said I could do a few things. He gave me three boxes and said it was all I could pack of hers. I was following his rules, so what did I do wrong? “Do you know how long I’ve been shouting for you?”

“Sorry,” I muttered “I had my headphones in. I’ll take them out though.”

Then he grabbed them and a pair of scissors I had out. He stared straight at me when he cut them up. 

“It won’t be a problem anymore, now will it Simon?” He looked down at me. I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn’t in front of him. I couldn’t let him see he was getting to me. 

He later bought me a new pair and apologized. Dad did this sometimes after he blew up. Not often though, but I think often enough so we couldn’t be mad at him. Often it made me sick when he would buy me things- mainly because he’d throw it back in my face later (look at all the nice things I buy you, he would say), but  _ not _ using it meant he would get mad. I needed headphones anyway, so I allowed it and I allowed him to have forgiveness for his actions. 

I stop myself from continuing with my thoughts, thinking only of the air hitting my face from the air conditioning, Dan Smith’s voice in my ears, and the faint rumbling any time dad accidentally veers too close to the side of the road. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Summary: Lucy is dead, David finds the body. Simon had been home and didn't realize she was dead. The police are called and he catches a glimpse, and he can't get the vision of her out of his head. The chapter ends with Simon heading to the east with David, having no choice but to leave with him now. 
> 
> Songs:  
> Adderall- Max Frost  
> Harmony Hall- Vampire Weekend  
> Skulls- Bastille  
> Also please feel free to check out my [tumblr](http://www.tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [If Not ForYou Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=2IH1hLwJSEa170y-fX2mZg)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fall 2019 pt 1
> 
> Simon makes his way to Watford, meets his roommate, but wants to find a way to leave.

I think I’d like New York better if we were in the city. Instead, we are closer to Canada-about 6 hours north. I thought I could distract myself with the subway, Times Square, and maybe a random celebrity sighting, but I am stuck going to a _boarding school_ in the middle of fucking nowhere. 

Yes, a boarding school. Meaning that I’m going to be living at school. I’ll never get a break, especially if David has any say in it. 

I’ve also decided I’m not calling him dad anymore. At least not when talking _about_ him. I’d hate to see the absolute shitstorm that would be thrown about if I even _thought_ about calling him his first name while speaking to him. 

Though sometimes I feel self-destructive enough to do it. 

It’s the end of the summer and I am trying to get my life in order before I have to deal with the school after everything. I pretty much spent my time sitting in my room whenever possible and avoiding anyone and everything. David has been busy so I haven’t had to worry too much about him calling me a lazy piece of shit. 

Not that I have _only_ been doing that of course. 

I have also been spending time working nearby at a hardware store. I'm not really handy, but it’s been okay. It’s led to me being able to save up money to have at school in case I need it, and I’ve met some cool people there. 

It was probably as much an escape as anything else I did this summer. Everything I did was to _cope_. I don’t think David even cared. It was almost like as soon as we left the midwest mom never existed.

I was the opposite- it was like she was everywhere. She was in the music that played at the store (I had to take a break early one day when a Queen song played), the tv shows that played right after the nightly news, and the food I ate. 

I barely ate those first few weeks after everything. People had given us casseroles and other types of food (even a few gift cards so we could ‘treat ourselves’, it was all aggressively midwestern of everyone), but I couldn’t do it. Most of the time I wasn’t hungry, almost as if the hole in my heart had eaten my stomach, but other times I was so hungry that it hurt- and it was easier than feeling the pain of not having her at school anymore. 

I think I dropped like 15 pounds, but eventually, I started eating again. I’m not sure if that hurt me more or not- the fact life was still moving on. I’ve tried making her food every once in a while when I feel like I need to have her there. 

I even burned cookies once and cried for a solid hour because it made me think of her. 

I keep seeing her in dreams too. Sometimes they’re nice and it’s just her holding me, but other times it's nightmares of seeing her face. I see what she looked like, dead in the eyes, in my dreams. There are times when she comes to me and blames me for what happened. I'm not sure which of them is worse than the others. 

Maybe if I had checked sooner I would have known, I could have called someone and helped. 

I’ve yet to shake this feeling, and I wonder if I ever will. 

“It’s okay Simon,” Agatha told me over the phone one night. “It’s okay to feel sad about this. But I also want you to remember that she wouldn’t want you to spend too much time dwelling on this. She’d want you to live.” Her voice was comforting, but it almost felt like it was demeaning. It made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to be sad over my mom's passing. 

She hasn’t talked to me since that conversation. I believe her exact words were that I was too much right now. Almost like my overwhelming sadness was _too much_. Apparently losing a parent does that. People can’t stand to be around you when you’re mourning. 

I’m not sure if people just expect you to move on after a week or so, but I don’t think it’ll be so easy. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to just be _okay_ after all of this. How could I be? 

Seriously though, I am looking for actual answers. Someone, please tell me how I am just supposed to be okay after losing someone I was (am) so close to.

I’ve yet to get an answer. 

Given all of this, and what I am feeling right now, I can’t tell if I am looking forward to school. Having schoolwork and a routine could be helpful, I think. But knowing me I’m either going to do way too many things or sit in my bed and do nothing. Neither of which are exactly healthy coping mechanisms. 

Oh, and I’m going to have a roommate at this school. I’ve already been assigned to him and decided I’m not a fan. He’s posh as hell, at least judging by his Instagram and the way he talks in our messages. His name is also absolutely ridiculous. _Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch_. Tyrannus- like a dinosaur. 

He already told me to call him Baz, but I’m not sure I can let go of the prehistoric aspect of his name. Baz plays soccer at Watford, is absolutely gorgeous from what I’ve seen (I can admit that- he’s fucking hot okay? It probably means our room is going to be crawling with girls and I can’t handle that right now), and plays the violin. 

Baz fits the role of a typical boarding school kid (or what I imagine it to be from the episodes from Gossip Girl Agatha made me watch with her. Not that gossip girl was a boarding school- but I assume that all kids are like that at these types of schools. I can only hope I don’t become Dan Humphry in this situation.) 

I couldn’t be more different from him, and his entire existence reminds me of that. He probably already hates me as much as I do him- I’m the Dean’s kid, have ratty t-shirts, and have never been to a country club in my life. Baz is probably going to want me thrown out on principle. I could respect that. 

I’ve already decided I’m not sticking around this place. David insists that I go, but I wager even the Dean’s kid can’t stick around if he is awful enough. Then maybe I can live at home and go to public school. I can take care of myself, I’ve practically done so all summer, and then maybe I’ll get emancipated or something.

I haven’t worked all the kinks out quite yet, obviously. But maybe I can pull it off, getting kicked out. I know it is risky to do junior year because of college applications and looking pristine and such, but I can’t quite figure out how to care. 

The school is about an hour south from where David and I have been living, and it looks exactly like I thought it would. It has an aesthetic of a boarding school. There’s a large lawn with trees where students are sitting under, talking to friends and reading books. The buildings are made of stone, they’re tall and I can see a few air conditioning units in the windows- meaning the building is old. I don’t care enough to ask- I’m sure that I’ll hear it a million times on a tour or some shit. 

David drops me off at the dorm and lets me find my room, says he has something to take care of (not his kid that’s for damn sure.) When I do find it I get the distinct air of college dorms. There are community bathrooms on each floor, the carpet is a weird blue color typical of schools (I try to ignore the stains and thinking about what they may be) and find my dorm room number- 610. 

We live far enough that David is staying in the teacher housing close to school, but I think he’ll be going back frequently since it is close to one of his shelters. He likes to keep an eye on it and help out. I think he just likes having control over it all. 

_Deep breath_ , I think to myself as I open my door. _You won’t be stuck here for long- you can do this._

When I open the door I see two beds on opposite sides of the room and two desks. Baz must already be here because one bed already has sheets and a blanket on it (it looks more like 5 blankets- Jesus Christ how cold does this dude get?), and his books are already on his desk. 

He looks neat and tidy, so I can already tell he isn’t going to like me. My usual existence is more organized chaos than actually organized. Yes, I know where my socks are, but they’re under my desk where they fell out of my basket the other day and I was too lazy to pick them up. 

“Finally here, I see,” Someone says behind me, making me turn around. 

_Fuck_ , this guy is good looking. I am definitely going to be living in hell for however long I’m here. The number of girls that are going to be here is insane, especially because he is even better looking in person- and in _jeans_ no less. 

At least I won’t have to deal with it for long. 

“Hey,” I grunt out, throwing my bag next to my bed before collapsing on it myself. 

“Well don’t start getting unpacked or anything.” He says, leaning against the door frame. “Or does the Dean’s kid get special people to do that for him?” 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I can hear how cold I’m being, but he is being absolutely ridiculous. “You’re the posh git- you probably had one of your servants unpack and clean the room before I got here.” 

“No. Some of us don’t live like animals actually.” He sneers. I didn’t think people still looked at other people that way. “I’m off- but hopefully you get all your stuff taken care of before I am back.” He walks away at that, leaving me standing alone in our room. 

_Good start Simon._

But I do take the opportunity to get things set up. I don’t have as much as he does, but that’s okay. Even our hair products are wildly different. His shower basket is filled with some french names, while I’ve got Suave and Old Spice. 

I lose myself in getting organized, playing music through a Bluetooth speaker I bought this summer before I meet someone else (does everyone here barge into other people’s rooms like this?)

“You like Khalid too?” He says- not even saying hello or anything. I can only imagine that the look I’m giving him isn’t exactly welcoming, but he doesn’t seem to care. 

I shrug, moving to continue to put up my clothes. I'm not really in the mood for talking. 

“I saw him recently, he’s pretty good live. The crowd is a little overwhelming, but he is good and funny.” He continues, walking a little more into the room and leaning against the wall to look at me. _Does everyone lean in the northeast? Can no one stand up?_ “I’m Shepard, by the way.” He reaches out a hand. “You can call me Shep. You’re new right? We don’t get many newbies around here.”

I take his hand, more out of ingrained politeness than wanting to actually give him the impression that I want to learn more about him. “Simon,” I grunt out in response.

If I thought my coldness would be enough to get him to leave, I was very wrong. 

“Cool name. You’re not from around here, are you? I’m from Omaha- it’s in Nebraska if you don’t know that. Most people up here hardly consider any of the midwest states as places to live. They’re more of places you fly over to get to the cooler places in the west.” 

“Missouri,” I reply back. _Why do I keep replying to this guy? I guess he seems nice enough, he is trying, but I don’t want any friends here._

“Score! We are neighbors in both hometowns and dorm rooms!” He beams, crossing his arms over his chest, making the shoulders of his jean jacket push up. 

“Yeah,” I start, closing my closet and looking back at my incomplete room. “I appreciate the greeting but I should probably get back to” I wave my hands around the room “all of this shit.”

“Oh for sure-” he replies, standing straight up again, “Let’s get dinner some time! It’ll be nice to have someone who doesn’t have NYC life and the Hamptons shoved up their asses from birth.” Then he leaves the room, humming along to the song playing- and I make sure to close and lock the door, and immediately change the music. 

I’ve been here for maybe three hours and I’ve already got someone trying to be friends with me. Maybe this whole ‘antisocial’ persona that I am trying to adopt isn’t going to be as easy as I originally thought. 

____________

Sure enough the whole ‘let’s ruin this all and get kicked out’ part of my plan doesn’t really work. It turns out I’m not very good at being rude to teachers or other people. I tried to take a pencil from a classroom one day, but I felt horrible and returned it to the teacher. 

The only thing I’ve been pretty good at is scoring poorly in class. The classes here are harder than my public school ones, but it’s not completely impossible. All I’d need to do is really apply myself and I could fill in the gaps and figure it out (at least in my math and science classes, there are times in language arts that I think I can’t quite understand what’s going on. I’ve never had to diagram a sentence before- what is this nonsense?)

“Snow,” Baz says. I made the mistake of telling him my middle name one day, and he seems to think that it is only fair that we both go by our middle names. (I tried to tell him that it was _he_ who wanted me to call him by his middle name. It didn’t seem to matter to him, though.) “Can you be quieter, please? While you may not care about your education, some of us are actually working to get into a good college.” I swear he is smirking as he says it. I don’t have to see it anymore, I can hear it in his voice. 

I happened to be listening to music to calm myself down. David found out about my grades and was being a menace about it. It wasn’t quite his typical amount of scary since there were other people around, but it was scary nonetheless. 

Baz and I are often at wit’s end with each other, and I’m feeling particularly touchy today, so I turn my music up more. I’ve got my headphones on, listening to alt-j, it shouldn’t be bothering him. I can still hear his voice so my volume can’t be _that_ loud. 

“Good lord, why do I have to be cursed with such an incompetent, idiotic, and nightmarish roommate?” Baz shakes his head and grabs all his stuff before coming up to me and pulling an earbud out of my ear. “I hope you fail out.” Then he stomps off. 

_So do I._ I think. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> Somebody To Love- Queen  
> Right Back- Khalid  
> Left-Hand Free- alt-j
> 
> Also please feel free to check out my [tumblr](www.tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First-quarter grades come out, David isn't happy. Simon meets Penny and gets detention with Baz.
> 
> This is fall semester 2019 pt 2

“Simon come in,” David says in a calm voice. I enter his office, knowing exactly where this conversation is going. 

First-quarter grades are out. While I didn’t do a good job of being a menace to my teachers, I definitely didn’t perform well in my classes. He is bound to have seen it at this point, and there is no way he is happy about it. 

“You wanted to see me?” I ask innocently, taking a chair opposite him. Best to play ignorant here. 

“Look, Simon, I know that this summer and the move hasn't been the easiest on you. But this-” He slams down my grade report. Did he really print it out for the drama of it all? I didn’t think schools still put out hard copies of report cards anymore. “Is absolutely unacceptable. I don’t know how you are expecting to get into college like this. Not only that- but you are completely embarrassing me. I told everyone how smart and capable my son was- and you show them that you are nothing but a lazy idiot who can’t handle simple classes.” 

I’m not sure if he is expecting a response yet so I search his eyes. 

“Well- do you have anything you’d like to say?” He says- both eyebrows raising and making his forehead look wrinkly. 

I clear my throat before responding. 

“You’re right, it has been hard dad.” I make sure to say dad, as it’ll help the situation. Agreeing with him helps too. He doesn’t like to hear that he is wrong. “Not only because of everything with mom, but the classes themselves are hard too. I’ve been wondering if I should transfer out? The public schools by the house you moved us to are good- and then you won’t have to be worried about me embarrassing you either. I just don’t think I fit in here.” Calm, cool, and collected is the name of the game here. 

“No, that’s non-negotiable.” He leans back and examines me. “I think you’re lying. You just don’t give a shit. After I went through all the trouble of putting you in this nice school, you’re trying to ruin it- and me.” He slams his fist down on the table, I wince but I quickly work to recover. “You are going to work harder this next quarter or your life isn’t going to be as nice and comfy as it is now. There’s nothing that says I have to give you as much as I do. You ungrateful piece of shit.”

I look him in the eyes and take it. I learned a long time ago to not fight this- _ him _ . It ends in parts of my life being taken away. If mom wasn’t around he would take food sometimes, or there is the one time he told me to leave and locked me out. When mom got home he pretended like all I did was take a walk- not that he had sent me out in the cold without a coat or shoes for twelve hours. I didn’t bother to correct him, but I was sick for a week after. 

Mom’s not around anymore- so I’d hate to see what he could do to me now. 

“Do you understand me?” He asks. It’s not an actual question though- it’s a threat. I understand it as ‘you still live with me, mom isn’t here to protect you, and I can easily make your life worse than what it is now’. 

“Crystal clear dad,” I say.

“Good. I expect better of you. You may leave now.”

So I stand up to leave.

“Wait actually,” He starts. “Give me your phone.”

“Wait why?”

“It’s obvious to me that you aren’t focusing, so I’m not about to allow you to have a distraction constantly in your pocket. We can discuss your phone privileges when we leave for Christmas.”

_ Great. _ I hand him my phone and then storm out of his office. That device has my music, my connection to life before here, and even a couple voicemails that mom had left. When it gets particularly hard I like to listen to them- almost as if she is there with me. 

Walking back to my room I’m trying to figure out my next step. Logically I know I should be grateful to be at a school like this. I have the opportunity to take cool classes like forensic science, push myself harder, and get good connections for college. 

I don’t want to be at the same place as David. But I fear for what might happen if I don’t buck up and get through it. 

“Hey, Simon!” I hear behind me. I immediately recognize the voice- Shepard. 

“Are you going to lunch?” He’s panting from next to me- he must have run to catch up with me. 

“Not really hungry,” I reply, still walking towards my dorm. 

“Ah okay then.” He sounds disappointed. Why would he be disappointed in that? We aren’t friends (are we?) “I was going to grab lunch with a couple people but they just bailed to study for that chemistry test. They must not understand the importance of studying on a full stomach. Didn’t know if you’d be interested in joining me.” He shrugs at the end. 

I ponder for a moment, debating my options. If I join in then I’m accepting the school and possibly making a friend, but that would make it all easier. Maybe after we eat we can study. I do need to work more on my grades as I haven’t been super motivated about school lately. 

I try to tell myself my lack of motivation is all because I don’t want to be here. It’s not at all the fact that I’m still not sleeping well, or that mom came to my dream last night. 

“Sure Shep.” I finally give in, it wouldn’t hurt, right? 

“Score!” He smiles and we make our way to the cafeteria. “How’s it hanging? Enjoying your first quarter here? Hopefully, people have been nice to you, I feel like sometimes the cliques can be a bit much.”

How am I supposed to get a word in edgewise?

“It’s alright,” I say. Should I say more? I feel like the ratio of words he is saying to the words I’m saying is way off. “People have been fairly nice, I’ve just been trying to adjust.”

“Oh for sure, it can be a lot.” He nods his head and opens the door for us both to get to the food. 

As soon as the smell hits me my stomach growls. I am much better about eating now, but I feel like I haven’t been as good as I should be- my jeans are a little too loose and my shirts a bit baggy. Maybe I should re-evaluate how well I’m doing in that department. 

“Knew you’d be hungry,” Shepard laughs and bumps my shoulder before getting in line to get a burger. 

I make my way over to the sandwiches, probably grabbing more than is necessary (I am so hungry- why did I think I was going to go straight to my room after that?), some fries, and then a couple of these scones the cafeteria makes.

“This all for you today?” the woman behind the counter asks. 

“Yup.” And I pull out my swipe and purchase the food. 

Once I turn around to face the room another set of panic sets in- where did Shepard go? I’m pretty used to sitting alone or eating in my room, but I was supposed to have someone today. Why is the cafeteria so scary?

“Over here Si!” I hear him shout from my left and relief washes over my body. He is sitting alone with a tray stacked with fries and a burger. 

“Hey!” I start, sitting across from him. 

Shepard starts talking again. He mainly discusses the school, classes, and then some conspiracy theories are thrown in. Could it have been like this all along? Sitting at lunch with someone, discussing random things about the world around us. I even laugh a few times- probably the first I have since coming here. I wonder if we are allowed to switch roommates from year to year? I could be persuaded to maybe live with Shepard. He’s much nicer than my current roommate. 

“Wow Snow,” I hear from behind me. It’s like he knows when he is on my mind. “You finally decided that the world was worthy of you eating with the rest of us?” I turn to face him, and he has an eyebrow raised before he looks at my plate. “No wonder you always run to our room to eat, you create such a mess with all the food. What will the mice eat now?”

“Fuck off Baz,” I say before turning back to the table. He is the last thing I need right now. 

“What a good comeback,” He rolls his eyes before joining his friends Dev and Niall. 

“What did you do to Baz?” Shepard whispers. “He’s never been what I consider a bully, but he seems to have it out for you.”

“I’m convinced he has a stick up his ass. I think my mere existence is enough to piss him off.” I say before continuing to eat. Luckily this seems enough for Shepard to let it go. 

I spend the rest of lunch watching Baz out of the corner of my eye. He catches me when I get up to leave, raising an eyebrow and giving me a smirk. My stomach clenches a bit.

I kind of want to punch him. 

____________

School gets a little easier after I give in to it all. My grades rise and I start fitting in a bit more. I made another friend in my lit class the week after reports went out. It started with her slamming her books down next to me while I was in the library working on an essay on Othello. 

“You’re Simon, right?” she asked

“Uh, yeah?” I said. Did no one start with hello here? “You’re in my lit class right?”

“Yes, I’m Penny.” She pulled a scrunchie from her wrist and pulled her thick curly hair into a bun on top of her head. “Are you working on the paper for class?”

“Yeah,” I moan. I hate Shakespeare. 

“Do you need help? I don’t mean to be forward but it didn’t seem like you were exactly enjoying the discussion in class today. Thought you could use some help, and I decided I was going to be the one to offer.”

Is this how I’m going to make all my friends here? Are people going to always force themselves into my life? 

I guess it’s better this way though, it’s not like I’ve really been seeking out anyone to be close to. It’s not like Ag and I are talking anymore either, so I should have people to keep me outside of my head. 

“I would appreciate it, thank you.” I scoot over so she can better see my paper and we get to work. 

____________

Penny is really an amazing person. She is an absolute fire and a force to be reckoned with, but she also seems to get when I need to be left alone. From that moment in the library, we start hanging out a lot more and I start to confess little bits of my life before here, and she does the same. 

It turns out she doesn’t like David- but that’s fine because I don’t either. I don’t mention that in case it gets back to him, but I don’t refute her claims on his inability to help the school either. 

“Did you hear he is trying to ban all cell phones from school? This is fucking 2019 dude, who do you think you are?” She ranted one day at lunch. 

Micah (her boyfriend) and I sat and listened. He chimed in a bit, but I sat back and let her go. There was no use in interrupting her at a time like this. I beamed at her and watched her go off about it. 

David had already taken my phone away from me at this point, so I wasn’t surprised he was trying to do the same to everyone else. He calls them ‘distractions’ and believes they’re going to ruin our brains. I’m sure that is right at some point, considering how badly social media affects us all. However, I feel like there are better ways to help teens out than outrightly banning cellphones. Especially when most or all the students here are far away from their parents. 

“My mom has already said that if he even tries to she is going to go to the board and get him fired. She says it is unsafe and that parents should be able to contact their children when they aren’t in their reach.” She pops a chip into her mouth to chew. 

“I’m going to get more food, do you guys need anything?” Micah asks, standing up. We both say no and let him go. 

Micah seems like an alright guy. Penny seems to love him and talks about how they’re going to get married one day. She’s always so sure of everything. It’s the opposite of how I feel at any given day- I’m never sure of what might happen next. 

“How did your paper for lit go?” She asks. Penny knows how hard I worked on it, and how I’m not as good at the subject as I am with others. 

“It went alright, I scraped by with a B. What about you?” I ask, eating a spoonful of chicken noodle soup while waiting for her reply. 

“I got an A, but I could write about Shakespeare in my sleep.” She says proudly. “I’m proud of you too, Si. You worked really hard on that paper- I know it wasn’t easy.”

“Eh- wouldn’t have gotten here without your help.”

“I wouldn’t have gotten a good score on my pre-calc test without your help either so I guess we fit together well” She laughs. 

Things did fit well with Penny. If I could live in a dorm with her I would in a heartbeat. We both hate our roommates with passion. It’s not like she and I would date or anything, she has Micah, and frankly, she is more like a sister to me anyway. 

“So when are you going to tell me more about how you got a detention with Baz?” She asks, interrupting my thoughts. 

“Oh fuck, I almost forgot.” I glance around, looking for a clock. “I’m supposed to find Miss Possibelf before afternoon classes begin- and I’ve got fifteen minutes. I better run Penny- thanks- I’ll catch you later.” And I am out the door. She shouts after me that I need to explain later, and I am sure she is going to make me regardless of what I want to do. 

“Fuck fuck FUCK,” I say under my breath, sprinting across campus and to her office- trying to get there in time. 

When I make it I already hear voices, and I’m panting up a storm. Definitely not the way I want to walk in, but it’s the best I’ve got. 

“Simon! There you are!” She says, clapping her hands together and then gestures to the seat next to Baz. 

“So sorry, I lost track of time at lunch.” I apologize, trying (and failing) to control my breathing. I can feel Baz’s hatred next to me, and I try hard to ignore it. 

“That’s okay. Baz and I were talking about it all, and I’ve decided what you’re going to do.”

“Oh?” I say, and finally risk a glance at Baz. He is slouched in his seat and not looking at me. I didn’t even think he knew  _ how _ to not sit prim and proper. This is new. 

“Yes, oh.” She continues. “I’m going to have the two of you work as TA’s for my freshmen biology class. You two perform really highly in my class, especially after you” She points to me “turned things around. I know you were a very involved participant in science at your old school Simon. I think you both need to work on cooperation skills- and I need two people to help out this abysmal freshmen group. So it is a win-win-win for us all.”

“Uh, are you sure about that?” I ask. I know I should be grateful that it isn’t like cleaning toilets with our toothbrushes or something, but knowing Baz and I this could become a travesty. 

“Positive.” She beams back at me. “Let’s plan to meet Monday at 4 pm to go over what you’ll be leading in your session next Wednesday.” 

She then dismisses us and Baz runs away as soon as he can. I get it, we don’t like each other, but we probably should talk about how we are going to get through this, right?

I hear a bell sound and run off to my pre-calc class to tell Penny what I will be doing for my last remaining time before Christmas. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> Curious as to how they got in this predicament? Stay tuned for the next chapter.
> 
> (also a TA is a teacher's assistant.)
> 
> [ If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to how Simon and Baz got their punishment from chem class. Then Simon gets the feeling that Baz is plotting something... So he does things like goes to his soccer game (because that'll give him answers right?)
> 
> Fall 2019 pt 3

When I get back to my dorm, Penny is already waiting outside for me. She stands up when she sees me and already has her hands on her hips and her eyebrows raised. 

I fear for her children one day. 

“Hey Penny,” I try to act casual, maybe she will let it go.

“Hello delinquent.” She smirks, “Let’s go on a walk and discuss why you’re trying to take down this school's state of the art science labs, shall we?” 

“Fine,” I sigh, “Can I at least put my bag up in my room?”

“Sure,” She stands next to me. “But I’m coming with you. Knowing you, as I do, you’ll hide up there and not come back down.”

I hate that she is right. So I walk into the lobby and once we are inside I turn around and frown. 

“Wait,” I start, “You’re a girl.”

“Nice observation Simon, now stop stalling.” She walks to the staircase and opens the door. I walk by the elevator, looking wistfully at it- knowing that the stairs in this building will kill me. 

“Girls aren’t allowed in this dorm,” I say. I can’t believe the person in the lobby didn’t stop her- how is she doing this?

“Oh whatever,” She waves me off. “What floor are you on?” 

“Floor 6, the very top,” I reply. “Which is why you are an idiot for taking the stairs.” I’m already huffing and puffing. Maybe I need to join a team and get more active. 

“Well, you were taking too long anyway. I have no problem getting in, but I am not tempting fate.” She continues up for the long haul and when we finally get to the top I feel exhausted. 

“I don’t think I’m going to need to go on that walk.” She rolls her eyes. 

“Okay, lead the way to your room Simon.” She gestures down the hall. 

“Only if you tell me how you get in.” I cross my arms and wait. Two can play the stubborn game. 

“Fine,” She sighs “But let’s get to your room first- okay?”

I lead her down the hall and open my dorm room. Thank God Baz isn’t here. He’d probably get her suspended or something- not that he cares about rules- just that it has to deal with me. He’d do anything to get me in trouble.

“Okay dish,” I say after closing the door. 

“It’s not that hard to figure out Simon.” She rolls her eyes. “The guard downstairs is my brother. He knows better than to do anything to me or I’ll tell mom about the time I saw him high in our basement a couple of years ago.”

“Marijuana isn’t that bad,” I shrug. Isn’t it legal in New York? I need to look that up. It seems like the type of liberal state that would legalize it. 

“Try to tell that to our mother.” She laughs. “He would actually get killed, and they’ll probably kick him out. He still lives at home to save money. Looks like he is saving his money to get high instead.”

“Okay okay,” I sigh. “Still want to go on that walk?”

She jumps up on my bed- luckily for her she didn’t accidentally choose Baz’s side. It was probably obvious which bed was mine I guess. His bed is nice and neatly made, organized, and clean. My side has an unmade bed, I’ve got a half-empty plastic water bottle, and an empty bag of Takis on my desk. 

“I think I’m good to hang out for a bit if you want to just talk here.” She shrugs.

“If Baz catches you, you are dead.”

“Oh Basil and I go way back,” She smirks. “He’d go down if he tries to take me to the dean.”

“Oh, do tell?” I ask, pulling up the chair from my desk to get comfortable. “Should I grab popcorn?”

“Oh don’t even” She glares. “Now what happened in the chemistry lab? I heard that you blew it up?”

“Oh like I am that moronic.” I roll my eyes. “We did break a lot of stuff though.”

“That sounds pretty moronic Simon.” She says. 

“Well, yeah, probably.” I shrug. “But he started it.”

“Please do tell.” She leans forward and puts her elbows on her knees, and her head in her hands. 

So I tell her what happened. Baz and I were assigned as partners for chemistry that day, and we had to study the reactions of different chemicals. He kept taking things from me and doing the whole lab for me. I’m perfectly capable of doing this, and actually am great at science. 

“What’s your deal man?” I growled when he took the phenol red solution from me to pour into our beaker. “I can pour things you know.”

“No need to put me or you in danger by letting you fiddle around with stuff like this.” He glances at me before pouring it in. 

“Phenol red solution is literally just an indicator- how am I supposed to get hurt by that?”

“It can cause mild skin irritation, Snow.” I hate it when he calls me Snow. “You’ll probably find a way to blame me for something caused by your own incompetence.”

“Miss Possibelf!” I shout. “Can I please do this on my own?”

“No Simon,” She purses her lips and glares at us before continuing. “Part of life is learning to work with others, consider this a test for both of you.”

I groan at that. 

“Yeah Snow,” Baz whispers. “Just learn to accept my help.”

“Help my ass,” I growl at him. “You’re just treating me like a child.”

“Call it like I see it.”

That frustrates me. I’m not sure if it’s a culmination of everything else going on this semester or if it is Baz, but I push him. 

To my surprise, he pushes back, and then it is _on_. 

“You fucking asshole,” I say when he gets up after pinning me to the ground. How does he still look perfect?

“I swear to God you both need to stop,” I hear Miss Possibelf shout at us. “I’m going to call the guards.”

In the heat of the moment I get up and go to punch Baz in his perfect fucking face. Unfortunately, he moves his face too quickly and I fall forward, which brings him with me, and we knock into the shelves nearby. 

Then it all happens in slow motion. The room is silent for a moment, and then I hear all the glass beakers, graduated cylinders, test tubes, and more, fall off and shatter near us. 

I’ve never cringed so hard. 

“So yeah, no explosions. Only humiliation and Baz being a fucking dick.” I shrug, waiting for Penny's response. 

“Sounds like you were both being huge fucking morons Simon.” She jumps off the bed and looks at me. She’s giving me _the look_ . The one that always makes you realize your shortcomings and makes you feel like garbage. She does it with love- but _damn_. 

“Well, luckily we are both paying for it,” I say in response. 

“What is she having you do?”

“Practice our working together skills.”

“Oh my God please tell me she is making you wear one of those huge shirts that says ‘this is our getting along shirt’ and you have to wear it for the rest of the week.” 

“No- what the fuck Pen?” 

“I don’t know,” She shrugs. “I know my mom did that to me and a couple of my siblings a few times growing up. It’s completely plausible. Also it would be so funny to see you and fucking Basilton Grimm-Pitch in a giant t-shirt and stuck together.”

“Shut up,” I grab a pillow from my bed and throw it at her. She laughs and throws it back at me. 

“We have to help Miss Possibelf out with her freshmen. They’re abysmal I guess.” I shrug. “So we are leading study sessions through the end of the semester.”

“That’ll actually be good. I’ve heard they are pretty incompetent.” She nods. 

“That’s what she said.”

“Well, good luck to both of you then. I can’t wait to hear all about the classes. Hopefully, they’ll child-proof the room so you don’t break anything else.” She smirks again at me. 

“Too soon to joke about it.” 

“How about we go get milkshakes to make up for it?” She asks. 

I could never deny a milkshake. 

**____________**

“Penny, I think Baz is up to something,” I tell her while leaving classes the next day. 

“What do you mean?” She looks confused, but she has to know. 

“He, Dev, and Niall were all whispering during our history class today. They made little glances back at me and laughed. They have to be conspiring.”

“While I’m not saying that’s great, maybe he was just telling them about the chemistry incident. Why do you think he would be up to something?” 

“Because he wants me kicked out of this school,” I say exasperatedly. “And I’ve already gotten my phone taken away because David thinks it’s a distraction. I’m on thin ice because of the whole chem lab incident, I’d hate to see what he does if Baz pulls something else.”

“Have you thought about leaving him alone?” She offers. 

“How about you tell HIM that!”

She just rolls her eyes. 

“I love you, but I think you’re blowing this out of proportion. So go take a nap or something and come talk to me when you have your head on straight again.” She waves and walks off to her dorm, leaving me standing with a bewildered look on my face. 

I’ll prove it to her though, Baz is definitely up to something, and I’m going to spend the weekend trying to figure it out. 

**____________**

Operation figure out what Baz is plotting has commenced. Last night was fairly normal, he spent it in the room with me doing his work. He didn’t talk to me, but he has to be lulling me into a false sense of security. 

There was a weird moment when we were sleeping though. I had a nightmare about David, and I woke up in a panic. When I looked over I saw Baz quickly close his eyes. Maybe I imagined it, but I swear he looked tenser than he had been before. 

It’s possible that I had woken him up. It was particularly scary and I probably made a lot of noise. I rolled over and tried to make myself fall asleep, but all I could do was think of his grey eyes looking at me.

He probably thinks I’m a freak. That’s probably why he’s being decently pleasant to me this morning. When I went down to breakfast he was there with Dev and Niall again, already dressed in their soccer uniforms. He walked over and brought me a scone, saying that he noticed it was the last one and that he knows how I like them. 

What the fuck does he think he’s doing?

**____________**

I decide to go to his game, just to gather evidence as to what he could be plotting. Penny refused to come, but Shepard was more than willing.

“Do you like soccer?” He asks as we walk down to the field. I see a sea of purple uniforms, clashing against the red ones of the other team. 

“It’s alright.” I shrug. I don’t know too much about it, but I’ve played in gym and it’s fun. 

“It’s pretty big here. We don’t play football, so soccer is our big sport.” He leads us to the stands with people wearing purple in support of the players. “But I’m sure you know that with Baz Grimm-Pitch as a roommate.”

“We don’t talk much.” 

“Ah, still feuding? I’d have thought you guys would have gotten over that by now. Especially with the punishment you got for the chem lab incident.” 

“You heard about that?” I feel embarrassed, definitely not my proudest moment. 

“It’s not that big of a school, everyone was talking about it for the last few days.” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t think too much of it, I think the novelty has worn off. I think people have moved on to some freshman who apparently snuck a raccoon into the girls dorms.”

“I’ll have to ask Penny about that one.”

“Penny Bunce?” He perks up a bit. “Are you friends with her?”

“Oh yeah, she’s amazing! Do you know her?” I look out at the field and notice that the teams are getting ready to start, Baz at the front of the line. He has his hair pulled back, and I wish it looked bad. I know ‘man buns’ are a trend and all, but I don’t think anyone can quite pull them off like he can. 

How irritating. 

I realize that Shepard has been talking and I focus back on listening to him. 

“But yeah anyway, she’s pretty cool. She’s definitely someone I’d like to be closer to.”

“Well, maybe one of these days we could have lunch together,” I suggest. Why not, I should probably intermix my friends a little better. I don’t think Penny is fond of having a bunch of friends, but Shepard is just one more. I’m sure she’ll be okay with it. 

“That would be brilliant!” He smiles his big genuine smile that reaches to the bottom of the frames of his glasses and then turns to focus on the game. “Man Baz is being particularly aggressive today.” He notes. 

He is totally right, he’s completely ruthless, but in an elegant way. It’s actually mesmerizing watching him play. His footwork is marvelous, and he passes and shoots with ease. I don’t think the other team has a chance. 

It isn’t until the halftime whistle is blown that I realize I’m supposed to be collecting evidence. I also realize that Niall is looking at me (or at least in my general direction), and looks confused. 

What is he telling his friends about me? 

**____________**

The rest of the weekend I take notes and try to figure out what’s going on, but Baz keeps avoiding me and not making contact. After the confusing scone incident he doesn’t seem as keen about making contact with me. 

That’s fine, we’ve got our first session for the freshman on Wednesday. He can’t keep avoiding me forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my [tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	6. It's All Snow's Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Baz's POV from the last 2 chapters. 
> 
> Punishment from Possibelf, torture from Dev and Niall, and wondering how he is going to survive the semester with Simon Snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I originally had this as an extension of this story, but decided to include it into the mix. I figured it'd be easier/more coherent for people? Idk.

I’m waiting outside of Miss Possibelf’s office, waiting to _hear the music_ as they say. I can’t get my muscles to untense, or my scowl to go away. Everything about my demeanor right now exudes anger. Usually, I try to school my emotions, but it seems as if Snow has snuck under them again. 

_Chemistry_.

“Oh, you’re already here Basilton,” I hear her voice ring as she walks down the hall. “Give me one second and you can come in.” I give her a soft smile and wait patiently, recounting everything that happened the day prior.

I’ll admit, I didn't necessarily help the situation. There’s this spike of emotions that occurs whenever Snow is around me that I can’t get to calm down. I just can’t stop myself when I poke and prod, looking to see a reaction. I’ve never been like this before, but I’m vying for his attention on a constant basis. 

_Notice me, Snow,_ I think as I push him back in chemistry class. And he sure does, given how his hands immediately go to push me back, only toppling us both over and breaking a bunch of equipment in the lab. 

“Come on in Basil.” I walk in and take a seat across her desk. Immediately I look at my watch. 12:55. I still have five minutes until he gets here, and I’m not prepared to make awkward conversation. 

“So we have a few minutes.” She starts. “I want to just check in while we wait. Is everything okay? I must say I do not expect this type of behavior from you.”

“Everything is fine, it’s Snow that-”

“Yes yes, it’s all his fault.” She looks over me, the look on her face being too telling of her actual thoughts. I almost wonder if she knows that I’m head over heels gay for Simon Snow. 

I know Snow isn’t his actual last name, but I refuse to acknowledge his relation to the Dean here. I don’t think I’ve used his proper last name once, and he doesn’t give it out either. To me, his last name shall be Snow. Maybe he’ll take my last name one day? _Shut it, Basil._

“Well as long as we both understand,” I reply, hoping that she can’t see my inner panic. 

“I just worry that you might be having difficulties due to everything involving your mother.” She says. 

“She died when I was young,” I say, as calmly as I can. “If I were going to have my mental breakdown about it then I’m sure I would have done so by now.”

“It may have been when you were young, but I am sure that being at a school that meant so much to her could be hurtful. With the stress of applying to schools and such, I could see why it may happen.” She gives me a comforting smile again. “I’m not trying to create an issue where there isn’t one, I just simply wanted to ask. I also wanted to reiterate that there are people here who care and love you, so if you ever need to talk my door is always open.”

Truly I should feel grateful, but instead, I can feel myself slipping down in the chair. Mother and father would be disappointed in my posture, but I can’t help let the weight of disappointment fall deep inside of me and bring me down. My mother would be upset to hear that I acted in such a manner. Her last name and legacy still hold a lot of weight with the teachers that knew her. I wonder if they’ve all started talking about _Natasha’s son_ and what she would think of my actions.

It’s hard to be at the school she loved so much and _not_ see her everywhere. It’s my third year here so I’ve gotten used to it, but I’m not sure if the hurt will ever truly go away. 

Fiona comes up sometimes and shows me funny quirks to buildings or damages that she and my mother caused when they were in school. She also shares stories from when my mother taught here. Those stories make me hurt as much as they make me happy. 

There is a crack in the corner of the girls’ dorms from when my father accidentally hit it with a golf cart. He had stolen it (on Fiona’s orders, of course) to pick them up and go on a ride in their sophomore year. However a guard came up and he ran into the side of the building, causing a chip or two to come off. Not enough damage to replace, of course, but enough to leave a lasting impression for those who know about it.

My father also has a scar on his left hand from the incident. Sometimes he rubs it fondly when we talk about her. 

“I appreciate the offer-” I begin, and at that moment Simon Snow comes bursting through. He is heavily breathing, which is truly a production that I wish I wasn’t witnessing in front of a teacher and is profusely apologizing. 

Late, of course. I’m not sure he could be on time even if a clock possessed him. He would probably make the clock start to run slow. 

I don’t get much time to observe Snow before she begins talking. She says that she already has the punishment decided, and continues on by giving us the details. We have to work together (kill me now) and help out with the freshman class. I’m truly uncertain how I am going to get through surviving the absolute nightmare that is Snow and try to help this abysmal freshman class to a point they need to be for finals. 

I let her continue on with the details, but I feel like I’m suffocating. When she finally dismisses us I immediately hop out of my chair and run down the hallway. I can’t be in that space, where my thoughts are consumed by Snow and my mother. 

As I turn the corner I immediately bump into Niall. 

“Woah there,” He says. I try to continue on but he grabs my arm. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, now please let me go. I’ve class in twenty minutes.” I glare at him. He lets go, but he looks at me like he isn’t ready to let me be just yet. 

“Do you need to talk? You just met with Possibelf right?” I nod in response. “What’s she making you do?”

“Work with Snow to teach a class.” I groan. 

“Well, not to be a downer, but the punishment could be a lot worse.” He says, leaning back against the wall to give me a bit more space. 

“I know that, but I cannot be close to him. I need space.” 

“Still trying to get him kicked out? Haven’t you moved past that yet?” Niall frowns.

“I mean, yeah.” I sigh. “Look we can talk later, I just need a moment before class. Okay?”

“Yeah sure,” He stands straight up again. “I’ve got your back Baz.”

“Thanks,” I walk down the hall and into an empty alcove to take a breather before class. 

**____________**

That night Dev and Niall have me in their room, trying their hardest to cheer me up after the day. Both of them still think I’m trying to get him kicked out. 

I just know that I can’t tell them how I feel about him. They’d never let me live it down, and it would just make the whole situation worse. I’d much rather sit in my feelings alone, and ignore them as much as possible than to acknowledge and sift through all my feelings. 

“I know this is an unpopular opinion,” Niall says as Dev stuffs his face with chips. “But I’ve only seen Simon be pleasant to people.” He shrugs. “I’m not sure why the two of you have so many problems Baz. You don’t have to get into it, but really Simon seems like a pretty decent guy.”

That’s what sucks. He is a decent person. Snow looks out for everyone around him, puts a smile on his friends' faces, and overall feels like the sun. He is bright and filled with life. 

“He’s pretty good looking too.” Niall laughs. 

“Got the hots for the golden boy?” Dev says, nudging Niall’s arm. I can feel my cheeks heat up. 

“Oh no,” Niall says. “I prefer men who I know aren’t straight. Besides I’d much rather the tall dark and handsome type.”

I cough a bit. 

“You alright there?” Dev asks, completely oblivious to the fact that just the mention of Snow being attractive makes me react. 

“Yeah,” my voice cracks. 

“Oh my god wait,” Niall says, sitting on his knees. “You’re blushing! You didn’t start acting weird until I said that Simon was attractive.” I glare at him, willing him to stop. 

“No way,” Dev laughs, but then pauses when he sees the panic clearly on my face. “Wait really? Snow does it for you?”

I groan and drop my head in my hands. They both immediately bust out with laughter. 

“Oh my god Baz,” Niall says, wiping tears from his eyes. “You cannot try to get the boy you’ve got a crush on kicked out of school. That’s not how flirting goes.”

“Was the chem lab incident just foreplay to you?” Dev adds.

“I hate both of you.” I grab a pillow from nearby and throw it at both of them. 

So I guess my grand plan of keeping my feelings down deep is done. 

**____________**

During history class, which Snow is also in, they are still whispering questions in my ear. 

“Look at the golden boy over there. Looking good, huh?” Dev whispers as we move to work in groups.

“I beg you to not.” My face feels hot as I risk a glance at Snow, pleading for him to have not heard. He is glaring at me and my anxiety spikes. 

“Isn’t there that saying about boys who have crushes on people and they don’t know how to handle it?” Niall interjects. “Like the boy who keeps pulling on the girl's pigtail just wants her attention because he _likes_ her. Maybe that’s what dear Bazzy here has been doing.” He pats me on the back. “Let’s stop though. Maybe try flowers in the future, okay?”

They both laugh and I know they’re looking at Simon. God only knows what he thinks is happening. Maybe he will assume we are just joking about the insane chemistry incident. 

“Can we do our assignment, please? The last thing I need is another class where I get in trouble.” I plead.

“Fair enough, but you’re not out of the water just yet.” Dev winks but proceeds to get into our assignment. 

**____________**

I decide that I need to get rid of these feelings for Simon out of my system. So the best thing I could do is to ignore him completely, right? _Wrong_. 

I spend Friday night working in our room, trying to study for a history quiz on Monday. He is there, of course, and everything he does is magnified. The way he stretches is a production in and of itself but paired with the way he bites his pencil, how his curls bounce any time he slightly moves, and even just turning the page of his book. It’s as if my whole body knows he is there, and I feel like I’m going to catch fire if he gets too close. 

He seems to have gotten the memo about ignoring each other, as he seems to not be willing to acknowledge my presence. Apart from a few sideways glances, we make no motion to say anything to the other. However, as he is sleeping it gets bad. 

Simon has had nightmares before, I’ve been there through them. The first time it happened was truly terrifying. He screamed so loud I thought he had been hurt. I almost jumped out of bed, but he quickly woke up gasping and in tears. My panic overtook me and I pretended I was asleep. I didn’t think he’d want to be bothered by anyone, certainly not me. 

I’ve gotten used to them since, but I fear what could have happened to cause such a reaction. The boy I once thought was living a wonderfully sheltered life has obviously seen shit I couldn’t imagine. 

When I first got Simon’s information I assumed I was in for pure hell. He was David’s kid, and I hated everything David stood for. He was trying to change everything that makes Watford what it is. My mother would have fought him every step of the way, so I’m taking a similar stance. 

However, once I met him, and I realized he might be hurting too, I realized he wasn’t the person I thought he would have been. 

This nightmare was different because this is the first time I hear him give a name that isn’t his mother’s. Sometimes I hear whimpers, the occasional scream, mostly he is just asking whatever it is to stop. Tonight, he mumbles the word dad under his breath. I hate myself for how my ears perk up, curiosity overflowing my veins. Is this good or bad? 

I should probably start waking him up during these, but I’m frozen with fear most of the time. I don’t want him to know my feelings, or to suspect that I might want more than what we have right now. So I pretend to be asleep, but I closely listen to him until I know he has drifted back. 

I’m not sure if he will be falling back asleep this time. 

“Dad please, no.” He mutters again. I can’t help but feel the anger rising in me. What does this mean? What does David do to him? Is Snow afraid of his father, or is it simply circumstantial that he is talking about his father? I don’t have much time to think about it before I hear a gasp and see his eyes fly open. I quickly shut mine so he doesn’t see, and hope and pray he didn’t notice my spying. 

It takes him a while to calm down and he turns away from me, but I don’t hear his breathing even out after that. 

**____________**

The next morning I must feel weak from lack of sleep. I see one of the cherry scones that he likes and I grab it for him without thinking. Today is going to be rough for him I’m sure, so he will need whatever positive thing he can get his hands on. 

When I do deliver it, which feels like a mistake the whole time, the look on his face is a mix of fear, wonder, and confusion. 

I guess I didn’t think it all the way through. 

**____________**

Simon shows up at my soccer game, and I’m not sure how to take that. I don’t think he has come before, but he looks determined, and can’t seem to take his eyes off of me. 

_Fine_ I think, _I’ll give you a show_.

I’m not sure if I want him to take his eyes off me or not. 

**____________**

When we get called for half-time Niall looks confused. 

“Dude the look on Snow’s face is concerning.” He mutters, brows furrowed and still watching him. 

“He is probably trying to figure out the sport,” I say, grabbing my water bottle to take a drink.

“No,” He stretches a bit. “I’ve seen that look. That look screams _fuck me_ not _fuck you_ or _I don’t know what the fuck is going on_.”

“What?” I sputter, water dripping down my jersey. 

“I’m just saying,” Niall shrugs. “I don’t think the golden boy there is straight. No straight dude looks at soccer players the way he is looking at you.”

I can’t help but fly high at the thought of Snow watching me out of attraction. I manage to score four more goals in the second half. 

**____________**

After the game, I realize it’ll never happen. Me and Snow that is. It’s totally hopeless (I am. Hopeless that is. Hopelessly attracted to and falling for my roommate. The Dean’s son. _Simon Snow_.) I need to make myself scarce to try and shake the feeling in my heart and the thoughts in my head.

I avoid him for the rest of the weekend. 

I’m totally fucked if I’m expected to continue sharing a room and working with the open fire that is Simon Snow. Yet I can’t help but want to get burned by him. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading this! I hope you enjoyed a little Simon break with Baz :). 
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz have their punishment, which results in maybe some kindness?  
> Simon leaves for Christmas break!
> 
> Fall 2019 pt 4

“Snow can you turn that racket off?” Baz asks. 

It’s our first day doing one of these tutoring sessions for Miss Possibelf, and it seems someone is a little touchy. I’m playing music through my computer to the loudspeakers, I didn’t think it would be such a problem. I have yet to catch Baz in the act of whatever he is plotting, so maybe I’ll figure it out today. 

“Look, Baz,” I start, trying to quickly consume the bag of Doritos I grabbed as a snack “It’s not time for it to start yet. By having some pump-up music it can help give kids a much-needed boost in energy that they may be lacking otherwise. I’ll turn it off when we start.”

“And this” he waves to the air around us “is considered pump up music?”

“The Killers are wonderful- don’t test me” I point my bag at him threateningly. 

He groans and moves to get papers together. We are here to help the freshmen study for their biology final (because apparently studying for _our_ finals wasn’t enough.) I’ll get over it, however, because this is my _jam_. Baz- however- seems less than willing to be here. I can’t tell if it’s because of me, or what we need to be doing. 

His attitude changes when the students start coming. She told us that she was going to give students extra credit for coming to our session, which ruined our hope that no one would show up in the first place. It seems that the majority of the freshmen class is here. 

While we work with students, going through study guides and giving mini-lectures to small groups, I notice that Baz seems to be flourishing. The students he is working with seem enthralled by whatever he is doing, and he even has a _smile_ on his face. I didn’t even know his mouth could turn that way. 

It fits him. 

“That wasn’t so bad, right?” I ask as the students all walk out of the room. 

He grimaces and continues to pack his bag up. 

“Well, I thought it was pretty cool. They seemed really interested in what you were doing.” Why am I trying so hard? Maybe Shepard and Penny’s strategy of forcing themselves into other’s lives has rubbed off on me. If I get him to talk to me though maybe I’ll figure out what’s going on, what has changed. 

He nods back. 

“Well, great conversation and all, but I guess I should go to dinner. I’ll” I use finger guns before I can control myself “see you later.” _Oh my God Simon_. 

He snorts- probably at my idiocy knowing him- but gives a light wave and walks off. I’m left standing there for longer than necessary staring at my hands. Then I hear two students walk by talking about how it’s breakfast for dinner in the cafe. 

I compose myself and make my way to the dining hall to meet Penny. 

**____________**

That night I’m not sure how to act around Baz. We continue our dance around the room, but overall he seems to be avoiding me. I can hope that whatever he was up to before is over and done with.

I lie in bed and catch glimpses of him while I think about everything. How I am going to get David off my back, how I’m going to get through this semester of Baz and I working together. 

It slowly turns into thoughts of my mom. She and I are lying on the couch back home. She’s got some nameless show on the tv (no matter how hard I try to focus I can’t figure out what it is) and her musical laugh fills the room. Everything feels natural and homey, and I feel something warm in my chest. 

“Bud, could you grab me some tea from the fridge?” She asks, holding her glass out for me to grab. 

I grab it and walk to the kitchen and pour her a glass. When I get back to the living room though, she’s gone. 

“Mom?” I shout. I put the glass down on the table next to the couch and start to walk down the hall. “Where are you?”

I get a bad feeling. _No no no no._

_Not this. I can’t see this._

I see a trail of blood coming from her bedroom door. When I reach for the handle I’m jolted awake, breathing heavily and panicked. 

It takes me a moment to register my surroundings, but I realize that I’m in my room. _A dream_. 

I look over to Baz to make sure I didn’t wake him up, and sure enough he is cocooned under his pile of blankets, breathing softly and sleeping soundly. I jump out quietly and get myself water from the fridge before getting back into bed, where I find myself unable to sleep. 

I’m so tired of the nightmares. 

**____________**

“Penny, I don’t know how I’m going to get through one last session like this.” I groan in the library the following week. 

Baz and I have another session we have to do with the freshmen. On top of it, we also have to be studying for our own finals- and I’m stressed. David’s threat is standing over me, and the knowledge that it is going to be the two of us together all of Christmas break spikes my anxiety even more. I have barely slept, and I know that I’ve got permanent bags under my eyes. 

I should probably talk to someone about the nightmares, but I’m not sure how to get it out or who to talk to. 

It makes it worse that Baz doesn’t even acknowledge my presence anymore. I’ve actually been trying to be nice since everything happened with Miss Possibelf. 

But it seems he may only be a jerk to me, for one reason or another. I’ve been watching him more and more lately- though it’s hard for me not to notice when he is around. During the last session, he had his hair up in a knot (which of course he can pull off without looking like a complete douche) and was talking through the carbon cycle with a group of students. The girls looked absolutely in love with him as he spoke (I wanted to throw up because of it), and the boys were equally entranced. 

The fucker. 

He also seems to be pretty good to his friends. Dev, Niall, and he are always joking around and seem to have a good relationship. It reminds me a bit of my friendships with Penny and Shepard. Like there is nothing easier in the world to be friends with them. 

So, if he can be nice to all these other people, why can’t he be nice to me? I know we started off on the wrong foot, and he doesn’t like David (which, yes, me too), but there must be something else. I would have hoped that we could move past it at this point. That was Miss Possibelf’s whole thing right? That we work together. 

“Simon, you keep putting too many commas in your papers. Chill out a bit with it.” Penny says in response. 

“That’s not what I was talking about.”

“I know what you were talking about, but I’m not responding to it.”

That makes me frown. 

“Why?”

“You’ve reached your quota.” She says simply, picking up her math book and putting it away. “I can’t look at any more numbers right now.”

“My quota?” I ask incredulously. “Am I not allowed to speak anymore?”

“You can speak as much as you’d like Simon.” She sighs. “But I cannot, and will not, subject myself to listen to more of this stuff about Baz. It’s all you talk about- you need a break as much as I do.”

“It’s not ALL I talk about.” I frown again. I distinctly remember talking to her about the snowman that Shepard and I made last weekend when a storm ran through. Though I guess it ended in a Baz way- as he had been playing around with a soccer ball and hit the head of the snowman off with a rogue ball.

He says it was an accident, but I don’t believe him. He’s always out to get me. Besides, I’ve seen him play soccer, I know how good he is. He wouldn’t make a bad aim like that. 

“It totally is.” Penny retorts. “I feel like I’ve learned so much about him just because of your obsession. Like I know him, but not enough to know his coffee order.”

“Okay but his coffee order is ridiculous. I got it once and it is like drinking candy Pen.”

“Simon, it’s finals. I’m putting up a Baz ban. Talk to someone else about him.”

So I did. Shepard was my next person- and he was always eager to listen to my ramblings. However, he even started to point it out. 

“Hey, look, I’m not judging here.” He said through a mouthful of burger- then swallowed before continuing. “But you’re like Draco Malfoy level obsessed with him. You know Harry Potter right? You seem like the kind of kid that would.”

“Yes of course I know. I’m a fucking Hufflepuff. But I’m not _obsessed_ . Especially not with someone who is so obviously a Slytherin. I just swear he has to be up to something. He’s always _lurking_.”

“Seems like you’re the one lurking Simon.”

“Oh shush and eat your food.”

**____________**

The last session with the freshmen goes about the same as the other two. Baz makes a comment about my music at the beginning (apparently he has issues with Mumford and Sons?), then we both do our thing. 

It isn’t until the end that something different happens. 

“Well Snow,” he begins. I jump because I wasn’t expecting it, but luckily he doesn’t notice. Or at least if he did he doesn’t comment. “You and I are finally free. Let’s try not to break any other school property in our last year and a half together.” He turns to face me. 

The acknowledgment that I might be here for longer than this semester sets in for a moment. Is he done trying to get me kicked out just like I’m done with trying to get myself kicked out? Maybe this rivalry was, in part, all my fault to begin with. 

“Yeah, for sure.” I laugh. “Will you be doing this again though? Miss Possibelf asked if I would be interested in continuing the tutoring. Didn’t know if she had given you the same offer.”

“She did, but I refused. I don’t like science as much as some people I know.” He looks at me pointedly as we walk out of the room. 

“You could have fooled me- you’re wicked good and the students seem to enjoy you.”

“I’m better with literature, I have nothing on your passion for this subject. I want to do well though- so I work hard at everything.”

Did… did he compliment me? 

“Blergh” I stick out my tongue. “I like to read, but I’m horrible at that stuff. I can never see the stuff that our teachers want us to see. Somewhere out there I think authors are screaming at teachers who make something out of nothing.”

He chuckles at that. I’ve made him laugh twice now, why am I addicted to it? I want to do it again. I shouldn’t want to. I thought I hated him?

“Well Snow, I’ll see you in the room I’m sure. Good luck tomorrow on your finals.” And he walks away.

**____________**

Finals go about as expected, I think I did the best in math and science and survived language arts and literature. Grades should be out within the next week, and I’ve started to pack up things to bring home. 

I actually feel like I’m going to miss this place. I’m not sure if it’s because I have friends now or because I’m dreading going back with David. 

It’s also going to be hard to have Christmas without mom. We practically ignored Thanksgiving when it passed, and I stayed in my room the whole time trying not to think about what it would have been like if she was there. 

It didn’t work. 

I’m hoping that I can get my phone over break though. Penny and Shepard gave me their numbers and hopefully we can talk and meet up. I should really make the two of them hang out too- I think they’d get along. Penny says she doesn’t need more than me and Micah- but I think I can convince her. 

“Ready Simon?” I hear from the doorway. It’s David. 

“Yup!” I zip my bag up and turn the light off and follow him out the doors. 

“How do you think you did this quarter? Better?” He asks, looking down at his phone as we walk towards his range rover. 

“Yes, I think it went much better.” I clear my throat, better to ask now than never. “I was actually wondering if I could have my phone back for break. A couple of friends were wanting to meet up and gave me their numbers.”

“We will see when they send out grades. You’ll probably be too busy anyway.”

“I will?” I’m confused, I didn’t think we were doing anything for break. I assumed I’d pick up a few shifts at the hardware store, but otherwise my big plans were reading and staying away from him. 

“Yes Simon,” He sighs- as if I am being dense here. As far as I know, he hasn’t told me about this before. “You’ll be working at the shelter back home. They need help painting the walls and some of the grunt work- thought you’d do well with it.” 

“Oh! Okay yeah for sure.” I actually didn’t mind it. While David was a menace, the people who worked for him were generally really kind and welcoming. Something about working with the types of kids they worked with gave people big hearts. If only that same trait transferred to David too. 

“Try to act more excited please.” He shuts the trunk on my stuff and walks to the driver’s seat. 

“I am. I just had no idea- you hadn’t mentioned it before now.”

“You just weren’t listening.” 

That’s always what he said- I didn’t listen to him. Maybe I didn’t; it seems plausible since he constantly tells me that I don’t listen to him. I don’t remember him ever saying anything before, but I must have a shitty memory. 

He turns the radio to some station before pulling out of the drive (Simon and Garfunkel. Mom used to play their songs so I would get excited about seeing my name.) I’ve only sixteen days until we return again, I can certainly make it through. Especially if I can talk to my friends. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Songs:   
> All These Things That I’ve Done- The Killers  
> Beloved- Mumford and Sons  
> The Only Living Boy in New York- Simon and Garfunkel
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon gets back from winter break with a change. He got injured over break due to 'clumsiness'. Baz is suspicious, but Simon doesn't break. 
> 
> Some good quality Penny/Simon friendship time!
> 
> Spring 2020 pt 1

I’m trying to let winter break fade from my mind as David drives me to school. This time six months ago I was dreading it, but two weeks alone with David proved to be abysmal. My broken arm can attest to this. 

I did get my phone back though and I was able to text Penny and Shepard. However, we didn’t get to talk as much as I would have liked. David had my break packed to the brim with volunteering and I worked at the hardware store to try and save money. When I wasn’t doing that I was usually trying to manage him. 

I forgot how much mom did for him when he was home. 

I don’t mind the cooking and cleaning, but the pressure of knowing that it had to be  _ just right _ . What if I take too long, do it wrong, or accidentally press the wrong button? It’s like an avalanche occurs. 

That’s how my arm broke. He, of course, doesn’t think he did anything. I had accidentally forgotten to take out the trash a few days ago and he went off on me. His hands were flying and I jumped back, avoiding a fist that was going straight for my face. I was too close to the stairs and I fell down. It resulted in my broken arm, bruised side, and I have a cut on my lip from one of my teeth going through it too hard. I didn’t think it was possible, but here I am with a little scar on my lip. I can only hope it fades away sooner rather than later. 

But, despite the circumstances, David blames it on my own clumsiness. He says I shouldn’t have flinched so much, and even asked ‘did you think I was going to hit you or something’. As if that wasn’t his exact intention. 

Being back at school means some separation at least. I didn’t think I’d get that here. I don’t know if he only assumes that since I am in the same vicinity and have access to food that he doesn’t need to check-in or what, but I appreciate it nonetheless. 

The not seeing him that is.

The less I see him the better.

“You need to be careful with your arm, okay?” He says as we get out of his car and I sling my bag over my shoulder, the good one, and I wince from the movement, but I want to get away from him as quickly as possible. 

“Will do,” I grunt out. 

“Do you remember when your doctor’s appointment is?”

“Yup.”

He can’t take me to my next doctor’s appointment because he is going to be busy with meetings that day. Whatever- I’ve got enough money for the bus ride anyway. 

“Okay well,” he pats my good shoulder awkwardly. “Enjoy your time back.”

That has to be the nicest conversation we have had in a while. I never know which side of him I’ll get, it’s almost like he is trying to fake me into thinking that he is a decent dad. Like he isn’t emotionally manipulative. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am actually crazy. Maybe I’m just being dramatic or silly about everything. He makes me doubt my own head to the point that I’m not sure if what I remember is what is real or not. Maybe I am just clumsy and misread his actions over break. I just could not remember it right. 

But my shoulder hurts and I need to get this bag up to my room so I give him my goodbye and head up to my room. 

It’s comforting being back here. I already have plans to see Penny for dinner tonight when she arrives, and Shepard is going to have lunch with me tomorrow. 

I almost forget my roommate situation until I walk into the room. 

“Jesus Christ Snow,” His voice comes out almost immediately after seeing me. “You’re away from school for two weeks and you manage to break a bone?”

I roll my eyes and throw my bag down. 

“Hello to you too Baz,” I say calmly. At least Baz is always predictable. He may be predictably an ass, but still. You always know what you’re going to get. I lie down on the bed and accidentally hit my bruise on a book (apparently I didn’t clean my bed that well before leaving.) It’s sharp and I wince, hoping that Baz didn’t see. 

“Hello Snow,” he turns around in his chair by his desk. “Now really what did you manage to get into?”

“Why do you care?” I glance over at him. 

“Well,” he starts, leaning his head on his hands “I assume it will be me that has to help you carry shit until you are healed, so I feel I deserve an answer.”

“Ah, of course,” I say “just looking out for yourself.”

“Naturally.” 

When I don’t respond after a minute he grabs an eraser and throws it at my head. 

“What was that for?” I sit up to look at him. 

“I asked you a question. I thought midwesterners were supposed to be the pinnacle of politeness and hospitality? So far I’ve only gotten rude, messy, and idiotic.”

“Good lord Baz.” I glare at him and get off the bed. “I fell down some stairs.” Not quite a lie. “Are you happy?”

“Yes.” He says, “Now maybe take the elevator while here okay? Then I won’t have to worry about dodging a falling Snow down the stairs.”

“Fucking hell,” I can’t take this. Why are we even fighting? I scratch the back of my head, thinking through what it is we are even doing. 

“Cat got your tongue, Snow?” He raises an eyebrow. It’s an obvious dig at how long I’m standing here, staring off into space and trying to find the words. 

“God Baz” I shout “Why the fuck are we even fighting? What is the point?”

He looks taken aback, but quickly recovers and dons his typical snarl. 

“Sorry that just because you’re related to that fuckup David the Dean I didn’t fall to your feet and try to be your bestie.” He rolls his eyes and turns back to his desk. 

“When have I ever tried to pull any shit involving him? Have you seen him come to our room once? Or even approach me at lunch or during school?”

“Well, no.” He is frowning at this point. Does he not  _ get _ it? Does it seem like David and I are close? 

“Look, all I’m saying is, can we just stop this? We don’t have to be best friends or anything, I am so tired of all of this constant fighting. I’ve got bigger things to worry about- don’t you?”

He ponders for a moment. 

“I guess.” He purses his lips at that.  _ Jesus Christ is this so hard for him. _

“Good.” I walk over to him and raise my hand. “Truce then?”

He turns and stares at it for a moment before grabbing it and giving a stiff shake. 

“Truce.” He grunts out. 

“Great. Okay. Well, I’m leaving. I’ll see you around.” I turn to leave, but quickly change my mind and add one more point to him. “And a truce means that you can’t sit here plotting how to get me kicked out of school.” Then I walk out and leave him to stew in the awkward situation I created. 

I swear I hear him mumble ‘ _ I haven’t tried to do that in a long time Snow.’  _ But I’m already out the door. It could have just been my own head hoping. 

**____________**

I walk around a bit with my headphones in and after what seems like an hour I see Penny walking down the sidewalk. I take them out and pause the music on my phone to greet her. 

“Oh hey, Simon!” She says, running up to me. “Oh my God, are you okay? Your face is really pink.”

“Oh, I guess I have been outside for a while.” Now that I think about it my face does feel frozen. 

“Well then,” she says looping an arm around my good arm “let’s get inside shall we?”

“Yes, please” my stomach growls “I wonder if they have sandwiches today.”

“Simon they always have sandwiches.”

I shrug. 

“Yeah but maybe this is the one time they don’t.”

She rolls her eyes but has a smile on her face. I missed her a lot. 

“Tell me about your Christmas Simon. What happened to your arm? I feel like we didn’t talk as much as we should have. You finally had your phone back and I didn’t get to talk to you- you were so busy.”

“Oh yeah- sorry between the job and volunteering I feel like I hardly got to text people. It was nice to talk when we did though. I’m sure we will be talking more now that we are at school.” I wink at that last sentence as we walk through the doors and make our way to get food. 

“If you’re talking about texting during class then you better shush now Simon.”

I feign a look of shock on my face. 

“Penny Bunce.” I whisper in mock scandal “Texting? During Class? You rascal! But if you need to then yes, I will text you in class.”

She hits me with her plate. Worth it. 

“Shush it. Now on with what happened to your arm.”

“I fell down some stairs.”

“What? Seriously?” She looks at me like I’m insane. “You can’t possibly be  _ that _ clumsy.”

“You got me.” I shrug my shoulders while I reach to get a bag of chips. “I actually am a part of a mob bound to replace all rats with animatronic devices bent on trying to infiltrate other peoples’ homes and gather intel and make our organization stronger. Unfortunately, the people trying to do the same thing with all the birds in the area caught wind and we had a big brawl in the middle of an alley. You should really see the other guy.” I heard the bird thing from Shepard and knew Penny would find it ridiculous. 

“Okay okay,” she rolls her eyes. “I can’t believe you fell down some stairs. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m alright. Luckily it wasn’t my writing arm so school will be fine. I’ve got some bruises and healing but I think overall I’m pretty well off.”

We both make our way to a booth near a window to eat our food. Looking around I see that not many students are here yet, I guess most will wait until the last second to give up a home-cooked meal. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re alright Simon.” She starts eating her chicken tenders and gives me a smile. 

“What about you Pen,” I say between bites. “How was your break?”

“Oh, it was alright.” She looks down at her food and mumbles something that I can’t quite hear. 

“What was that?”

“Micahbrokeupwithme.” she spurts out so fast that it takes me a second to realize what she said. 

“What? Seriously? What happened? Do I need to go punch him?” I am already frowning and balling my hands into fists. 

“Oh calm down Simon.” She waves her fork at me. “It’s okay- I’ve had my time to mourn.”

“You could have told me. I’m sorry if I was too busy to notice.” Guilt is spiraling around me. 

“I wouldn’t have said anything anyway. I just kind of wanted to deal with it and move on.”

“Can I ask why?” I ask, not sure if I’ll get the answer. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“Oh, I don’t mind.” She takes a breath and puts down her silverware. “He said I was like a tornado. That I steamroll people and that we weren’t really in love.” She shrugs. 

“Do you think that was true?” I ask “That you weren’t really in love?”

“I think so.” She starts picking at her food again. “I think I wanted my life figured out- you know? My mom and dad met here and she said she knew immediately. I think I kind of wanted that same confidence.” 

“Are you doing okay?” I can’t tell how she feels about it. She seems sad but also like she has a weight lifted off of her. Micah was a good dude, but I always thought he might be a little quiet for her. I’m not going to say that  _ now _ of course. 

“Yeah,” she sighs and looks up at me and smiles. “Really I’m over it- but now I have to deal with the aftermath here.” She waves her fork around to the whole cafeteria. “So I may stick with you for a while if that’s okay.” 

“Oh, Penny- always.” I reach out and grab her hand. “I’ve got you and you’ve got me.”

“Great!” She perks up. “I was thinking we could get a head start on this semester’s work? I already picked up my books for class- have you? We could go to the library?”

“Okay no.” I lean back and laugh. “I am not spending my last seconds of a break getting extra work in. Let’s enjoy it. Okay?”

“Fine. But what do you have in mind?” 

“Movie night?” I ask. 

“That sounds wonderful.” She smiles and we finish eating, joking around about different silly stories she has from her siblings. 

Things start to feel right again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I have Penny and Micah date just so I could break them up? Yes.
> 
> We all know what's going to happen, let's be real.
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David has a meeting with Simon. Simon goes to the doctor, and Baz helps him. 
> 
> High school party is happening, but Simon and Baz decide to stay in.
> 
> Spring 2020 pt 2

Getting back into the routine of school is refreshingly boring. I wake up at the same time, get food with the same people, and spend time doing homework. 

I love it. 

The only struggle is my damn arm. Baz has actually been helpful- due to the truce. It’s been minimal, but by our standards he has been a hero. 

Penny and Shepard have helped too. I’ve even got them both eating lunch with me most days. I think they could be good to have around each other. They bicker a lot over stuff, which I find hilarious. Penny thinks that Shepard is ridiculous, but really I can tell she has fun sparring with him (even if she doesn’t know it yet.)

It’s about my second week back when David calls me to his office. He hasn’t checked on me one time since returning, so who knows what could be spurring this discussion. My grades have been good, I’ve not been in trouble, and I highly doubt he is asking about my arm. He pays the medical bills, so in his eyes he is doing plenty for me. 

“Knock knock,” I say, hitting his door a couple of times and immediately cringing. _Why did I say it- knocking was good enough._

“Come on in Simon,” he says. 

“You wanted to see me?” I walk into his office, closing the door behind me and take a seat. The blinds are closed and he only has a lamp on so it feels eerie here. It’s almost stale and it’s obvious that he’s trapped himself in here all day. 

“Yes.” He coughs and shuffles some papers out of the way. “I feel like it is time for you to get a job.”

“I already have a job.” I’m confused, and rightfully so. I actually got a job at a nearby petting zoo. A nice lady named Ebb hired me and I already had my first training. I’ve got another shift this weekend- it seems pleasant and she is flexible with my arm. I can tell I’m going to enjoy working with her. 

“Oh yes- well I mean a different one. I was thinking you could help out here- in the office.”

“Oh.” I can’t seem to think of any other words. I’m already pushing myself to my limits- why do I have to add more?

“We could use the help, and I know you’d be a good fit. I figured it could help you get some extra bucks. It’s nothing too crazy, answering phones and such, and you could even bring work to do while you are here.”

“Oh. Okay then.” I still don’t know what to say. I need to think of something before he starts getting angry. “Thanks. How often do you need me?”

“Just a few times during the week. Nothing too late though.” He smiles at me, warm and soft. “Thanks so much, Simon, I knew I could count on you.”

I wish that his approval didn't make me feel good. He does this all the time, giving compliments that is. David is a master of flipping his volatile nature on and off. Right when you think he is safe and okay he tears you back down again, ripping your headphones, or you’re falling down the stairs. 

“Just let me know the schedule and I’ll be here.” I grab my backpack and stand up. “I should probably go if that’s okay- I need to work on a lit assignment.”

“Yes of course. Thanks.” He leans back and starts going through his papers again, resuming the work he was in the middle of when I arrived. 

I walk out and feel a little lost and sick to my stomach. Why can’t I talk to him without feeling like something bad happened? I wonder if there is more to this than there actually is. 

Nothing I can do now, I guess. So I shrug my backpack up my shoulder a bit higher and walk out the building. 

**____________**

I have decided I’m not a writer. I’ll never be a writer. I know my teacher wants me to write a paper on the Canterbury Tales, but I can’t find myself enough energy to care. 

“UGH.” I slam the book down and get up to pace the room. When I turn around I see Baz in the doorway and I freeze. 

“You good there Snow?” He smirks and walks past me, putting his bag in his chair and emptying it of its items. 

I groan back and throw myself face down on my bed. 

“A man of many words I see.” I open one eye and see him leaning against his bed and raising an eyebrow at me. 

“I hate language arts, literature, all of it. I hereby ban all words- I shall only be speaking in grunts and hand gestures.”

“So no change then?”

I throw the nearest item in my grasp (a pencil or pen I think) at him. I hear him laugh and I can’t help but perk up. He sounds good when he laughs. I wish I could hear it more. Why do I want to hear it more?

I guess we are on a truce. Maybe we can be friends even? Then we could be more like normal roommates, laughing and joking and such well into the night. 

I think I’d like that. 

“Seriously Snow, it’s not that bad.” He walks over and grabs the book. “I can help you- if you’d like?”

I sit up. 

“For real?” I would be stupid not to take him up on that. He dances circles around everyone but Penny in that class (hell he even does better than her most of the time. But I would never tell Penny that.)

“Yes. Consider it part of our truce. Maybe you could help me study chemistry too. While I do well, I know that I could do better- maybe some of your _love_ of the subject will rub off on me.”

“DEAL.” I half-shout, jumping off the bed and beaming at him. He is smiling too, and I didn’t think he’d ever smile at me. It feels too bright, and my stomach clenches for a moment, making me look down at it. Maybe I ate something weird for lunch?

“Okay then, deal Snow.” He chuckles, pulling out his copy of his book. “Do you need help now or do you need a break?”

“Well, actually I should probably go.” I look at the clock- it’s 3:15 and I have my doctor’s appointment at 4. With the bus, I should be able to make it in 20, but I’d feel better giving myself extra time. “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment for my arm.”

“Ah yes- your arm that you broke while falling down the stairs.” He looks at me with an expression I can’t quite figure out. 

“Yup.” I frown a bit, then grab the bus pass and a pair of headphones. When I look up he is frowning too. 

“Are you taking the bus?” He sounds concerned. Maybe he is?

“Yeah?”

“Isn’t your father going to drive you? That seems like something that a parent should be doing.” 

I try not to laugh at that, but a huff definitely comes out. 

“He’s busy.” I leave it at that and walk towards the door. 

“I can drive you, you know.” I stop walking. 

“What?”

“If you don’t want to take a bus- I can drive you.”

“Why would you do that?” I can feel the crease forming between my eyebrows. This isn’t what we do- why would he offer this?

“In the name of our truce?” He sounds like he is asking me a question more than giving me an answer. “You’re injured- you shouldn’t be traveling on a bus.”

“I do it to get to work.”

“Well, I think you shouldn’t have to go to the doctor on your own. I’ve got the time. We can talk about lit class if you want to feel like you are being productive.”

“Please don’t threaten me with literature talk.”

“It’s only an offer. You don’t have to take it.” His eyes look down at the carpet, maybe he is regretting his offer. I’ve got to snag this quick. 

“Yes,” I say, it catches a bit in my throat, but I know he hears it. 

“Really?”

“I’d be an idiot not to take you up on your offer. Do you mind? I can pay you for gas.”

“Don’t be stupid- I’ll be okay.” I smile and then watch as he grabs his keys and I follow him out of the building. 

**____________**

And that is how Baz ends up taking me to the Doctor’s office. Not only for the first time but the following two times after, until my sling and cast are removed. It always goes the same- we go to the appointment, and then get milkshakes after. I insist on getting fries, and he gets disgusted at me for dipping it into the shake. 

One day I’ll make him try it and his mind will be blown. 

**____________**

We are almost on spring break and Baz and I have been growing closer. He’s eaten meals with Penny, Shepard, and I when his friends can’t, and we have been working together for classes. It’s really helped me, and I’ve actually _enjoyed_ having him as a roommate.

What a plot twist truly. 

Working for David hasn’t been too horrible either, but I’ve come to realize that he only does it to keep me close. He’s always there and is asking me a bunch of questions that he has never bothered to ask before. I can tell it isn’t because he cares- he is just trying to control the decisions I make. As I start getting closer to applying for colleges he wants me to make certain choices that he agrees with. 

Which definitely means that I don’t want to do anything he suggests. 

But that isn’t a current Simon problem- that is a problem for future Simon. I’ve got to get through my SATs first before I can think of that. 

I’ve got to get through junior year before I think about that. 

Right now I am in my room and my phone is being blown up by Penny. There is some party happening that she wants me to go to, but I would much rather stay here. I am trying to ignore her by changing my phone to do not disturb and playing music on my computer instead of my phone. 

That’s when the banging on the door starts. 

“Simon I know you’re in there.” She pounds again. I groan and get up to answer the door. 

“Yes?” I ask, trying to act like I don’t know what’s going on.

“Shove it. I know you saw my texts.” She bursts through the door and turns to look at me. Her hair is pulled into a braid and she’s wearing jeans and a purple top- clearly trying to keep it casual. Usually she wears a skirt, so it is weird to see her in jeans- but still. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I don’t want to go to this party Penny.” I groan.

“But why? How many high school parties do you think you’ll have a chance to go to?”

“Honestly? I’m sure many. And even so, that doesn’t mean I want to go to any.” I cross my arms. 

“I’m trying to have fun, Simon. After everything with Micah, it is time and I really don’t want to do this alone.”

So she is going with guilt. Great. She knows it’ll work on me- I'm naturally a guilty person. 

“Hey Si- oh hey Penny!” Shepard says, appearing suddenly in the doorway. He is donning his typical jean jacket, black pants and has a grey shirt on. “Are both of you going to this party? I hear that it’s supposed to be a big one.” 

“How do kids at a boarding school even manage this?” I ask, astounded. I thought parents sent their kids away with the trust that none of this happened. It’s not like someone’s parents were out of town, there are adults _everywhere_. How do they manage to not get caught? 

Penny and Shepard both shrug. I must be rubbing off on them. 

That’s when I get an idea. 

“Wait, Penny, why don’t the both of you go together?” She grimaces at me, but Shepard immediately looks like I suggested something golden

“That’s a great idea, Simon!” He says, “What do you think Penny?”

She looks him up and down and then looks at me, a pleading look on her face. It’s not like he looks bad. I think she doesn’t really like his jean jacket though- he has some crazy pins on it- one has the Illuminati. I like it, but she probably thinks it adds on to the ridiculous nature of Shepard. 

“Are you sure Simon? Really?” She begs. 

“I thought the party was supposed to be thrown by Dev- not by me.” A cold voice says behind Shepard. _Baz_.

“Baz please tell Simon that he needs to go to this party,” Penny begs him. 

“God no- anything that Dev and Niall throw is not worth anyone’s time.” He moves into the room and sits down at his chair. 

“Aren’t those your friends?” I ask, confused. 

“Yes, which is exactly why I get to say that.” I laugh a bit and he looks at Penny. “Bunce it seems like you’ve already got someone willing to go with you. I can keep track of young Snow here- make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble. That okay?”

She looks between us and glares. I can’t help but wonder why he is calling me _young_. We are the same age. 

“Fine.” She turns and moves through the doorway before shouting halfway down the hall “Come on Shepard! Move it or lose it!” And he darts after her. 

I turn to Baz after closing the door. 

“So, Snow,” He starts, leaning forward. “What is on the agenda for roommate bonding tonight?”

I smile and walk towards my laptop. 

“Movie?”

“Sounds perfect.” He smiles back and pulls out a couple of sodas and a bag of white cheddar popcorn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I just end the second chapter in a row with a movie night?
> 
> Sue me. 
> 
> You'll get an emotional movie night on Friday ;)
> 
> [Check out my tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [ If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz and Simon decide to watch a movie instead of going to a party.
> 
> Cue intense conversations, tears, and the beginnings of sexuality questioning.
> 
> Spring 2020 pt 3

A night alone with Baz? After all that we have been through? If you had told me I'd be here a year ago, I'd have laughed in your face. Yet here we are, scrolling through Netflix and trying to figure out what we want to watch. 

“Are you thinking Marvel, documentary, drama, or what?” Baz asks me, lazily scrolling through the list. Baz has Netflix, Hulu, and Disney+. I’m so grateful we are talking now because now I get to use his accounts too (or at least I assume I can, and plan to.)

“I don’t know, but we should order pizza.” 

He glances over at me and smirks. “Snow I’m not an idiot, I’ve already got it ordered for delivery.”

I feel my smile grow and overtake my face. I can’t believe I ever thought we were enemies. 

This is so much better than the fighting we did before. 

“Extra garlic sauce?”

“Of course- now help me pick a movie.”

“I don’t know- what sounds good to you?”

He purses his lips at that and continues scrolling before exiting out and laying back down on his bed. 

“Maybe it isn’t a Netflix night.”

“We could do Harry Potter?”

That makes him turn to me and raise an eyebrow. 

“Which are you thinking Snow?” It feels like a challenge, a test maybe. Like the next step in our friendship relies on my response. 

“I mean I’m partial to the third, but could do any of them,” I say, casually, trying to not let him know how worried I am that he'll think I'm dumb in my opinion. 

He sits back up and changes the tv to Google Play and pulls up the movie without pressing play. I guess I chose correctly. 

“Let’s do it then. Pizza should be here soon anyway so we can start it when it gets here.” He sits up and looks at me. 

“Golden” I give a thumbs up. An awkward silence falls as we wonder where to go from here. 

I can't help but notice how we are both dressed. The difference in our appearances is stark (and embarrassing for me, if I'm being honest.) I’m wearing an old t-shirt (it’s one of my old school shirts. There is a hole in the armpit, but it works as a sleep shirt.) along with a pair of sweats, while he has on jeans and a sweater. He will always be the more attractive of us. I remember back to when I had first seen pictures of him. I had thought there would be a lot of girls here, but I don’t think he’s ever talked about dating. Maybe we haven't gotten to that point in our friendship for him to talk about it. 

“Hey,” he pulls me from my thoughts “what are you thinking about? Don’t break your brain before the food arrives. I made sure to order enough to feed an army- or you at least.” he chuckles softly. 

“You’re a pretty attractive guy,” I say, trying to figure out how I can ask this without being weird. Though judging by how high his eyebrows shoot up his face I think it may already have gone that way. “I always thought there would be a lot of girls here chasing after you. Are you into anyone?”

“Well first off, thanks?” He begins before coughing and continuing. “I would say I have had interests, yes.”

“Like who?”

“Why do you want to know, Snow?” His eyebrows are furrowed and he has a bit of a frown. I hope that I haven't gone too far. 

“Sorry if I am pushing, I was curious is all.”

“Let’s make a trade then.” He leans forward, putting his elbows on his knees. “I’ll tell you more about my dating life, and you tell me how you really broke your arm.”

“I did tell you that. I fell down the stairs.” 

“I know there is more to the story than that. The look on your face told it all when you returned. And as someone who drove you to all your appointments the past couple of months, I think I deserve to know what really happened.” He has an eyebrow raised then, looking at me expectantly. “And I’d be lying if I said I’d never heard the nightmares you have when you sleep.” He adds almost so quietly I could pretend I didn't hear it. I don't think I can though. 

I feel myself gulp and my heart starts racing. I could tell Baz I didn’t necessarily fall down due to natural clumsiness, but admitting David was getting violent feels scarier than anything else. Baz has been asking me incessantly throughout the semester, so I should have known it was coming. It doesn't help to know he was apparently awake all those times I woke up from a nightmare. Did he hear anything? Does he already suspect or know? 

What if he doesn’t believe me? What if he thinks I am making it up? He’ll probably just assume that I’m being dramatic and need to calm down. 

I guess this is one of those moments where I need to put trust in another person. I’m not too good at trusting people with these bits of my life. I didn’t even tell Penny what really happened- and I tell her more than I do most people. 

I guess the worst-case scenario is that we go back to fighting, which I’m used to. I don’t want to, but at least I already know how that works. 

“Well, Snow?” I snap back out of it and cough a bit to clear my head of the anxiety of admitting what home is like. Of listening to someone else judge and tell me that I should be lucky and that I bring it all on myself. 

Fuck- am I starting to tear up?

“Oh shit.” I hear him say and he is up in an instant and next to me. “I- Snow don’t cry I’m sorry for pushing.”

Shit now he is apologizing.  _ Breathe _ Simon. 

“I’m gay.” He sputters out. “That’s why no girls come. I’m not interested in them- they’ve tried and I’ve shut it down. I guess I thought that people already knew that I was gay. I forgot you are new and probably hadn’t heard it from anyone else.”

“Wait, you’re gay?” I look at him confused. 

“I hope that’s not a problem.” He falls back a bit. I miss the closeness already. It felt comforting to have someone near me, and his scent of cedar and bergamot makes me feel at ease (probably because the scent infects every part of this room, and like it or not I feel safer here than at home with David.) 

“Oh no, definitely not. I just didn’t know.” I look down at the floor again, trying to breathe and get rid of the tears. 

He shared a big part of himself, it’s only fair that I do the same. 

“I did fall down the stairs.” My voice sounds so quiet- I wonder if he can even hear me.

“Yes, you’ve said.” Okay good, he did catch it. 

“I didn’t fall down due to a clumsy accident like I made you believe before.” I’m still looking at the floor, not wanting to see his face as I say all of this. I can feel his body react though- almost still. Like he is holding his breath. 

I wonder if he is afraid if he moves I might stop sharing. 

He’s probably right. 

“I had done something to tick him off.” I take a deep breath again. I assume he knows who I am talking about when I say  _ him _ . I can’t bear to say his name right now, almost as if it’ll summon him. “He went to hit me and I dodged, but the only way for me to dodge meant I fell down the stairs.” 

I look up, not at him, but at the wall across from me. I take a deep breath and exhale before continuing. 

“I ended up in the hospital with bruises along my ribs and a broken arm. It was all treated as if I was just clumsy and fell down the stairs. Everyone believed him and I didn’t want to be the one to say otherwise. Maybe if I had moved a different way. Or did what I was supposed to do. Maybe if I had done something else I wouldn’t have been in that situation.” I can feel the panic building, but Baz pulls me into him and starts talking. 

“Simon none of that is your fault.” I don’t think I’ve heard that one before, not concerning David. Usually, it is all my fault. Even my mom just had me avoid him and protected me, never saying that I didn’t do something wrong. I think she was too concerned with keeping me protected and easing the monster that is David to get to that part. “A parent shouldn’t be hitting their child. That’s not right and I need you to know that you did nothing to deserve that.” He grabs my face and makes me look at him but I close my eyes. I feel the tears pouring down my cheeks. 

“Simon, please look at me.”  _ He called me Simon _ . So I look, only to see what’s so important to cause him to use my first name. 

The look in Baz’s eyes is fierce and angry, mixed with something I can only identify as hurt. But why would he be hurt by my situation? Have I hurt him in some way? I didn’t think that I had done something wrong, but I typically don’t realize when I do mess up. If David has taught me anything, it’s that. 

“You don’t deserve that.” He is looking straight in my eyes and speaking with such strength so I almost believe him. I feel myself calming down as he continues to tell me everything I’ve been through isn’t okay and I shouldn’t blame myself. 

It’s been so long since I’ve had someone tell me I deserve better. I start to feel myself crying again thinking about mom. She would have made sure all of this didn’t happen. He wouldn't have gotten close enough to even try to hit me. 

I wish she were here now. 

“The pizza is here, Snow,” Baz says, looking down at his phone. I must have missed it going off. “Will you be okay if I grab it? I’ll be right back.”

I nod my head and he rushes out, and I let the flood pour out. I try hard not to let myself think too much about everything. What David does, what mom was like. How things would be different if she were still around. Maybe I’d still be back home, but maybe we’d have still moved. If we had at least she’d be here with us- then this whole thing would have been a better transition. 

It’s not long before Baz is back and he places the pizzas on his bed and then walks over to mine and sits back down again. I hiccup and give him a slight smile. 

“I’m sorry.” I feel like I should apologize for going absolutely crazy on him. He probably didn’t expect that. 

“Don’t. There’s nothing to apologize for.” He turns his body so he is facing me, so I do the same, crossing my legs and playing with the hem of my shirt. It’s a nervous habit, picking at anything I can when nervous. 

“I started to think of my mom,” I say. “She died right before I came here. I wish she was still alive, things would be a lot easier.”

“I understand.” He says softly, looking down at my hands. “My mom died when I was young. There are so many times I wish she was here, and wonder how easier things would have been if she were alive.” Then he looks back up and I see a bit of water in his eyes too so I reach out for his hand. 

I don’t know why, but he smiles so I think he at least doesn’t think what I am doing is weird. 

“I’m sorry about your mom.” I start, knowing nothing can fix this pain. “I bet she was great.”

“She was, and absolutely fierce. I love her so much, and she loved me too.” He smiles a bit again and I rub his hand with my thumb. 

“Do you want to talk about her?” 

“Maybe another day,” He replies. “We’ve had a lot of emotion for one night, which I don’t think either of us is used to.” He laughs a bit. 

“Tonight has kind of turned into a mess hasn’t it?” I laugh too. 

“Yeah, but that’s okay.” 

“Nothing like crying in bed to make you hungry for pizza am I right?” I let go of his hand and jump off my bed to grab a slice and take a bite. Baz watches me as I move, and I can’t tell if I want to be close to him again or to run far away. My stomach has that weird clutching feeling again. 

“Right.” He says before hopping off my bed too. There goes getting close to him again I guess. 

Baz grabs a slice of pizza and his T.V. remote before turning to me with a serious look on his face. 

“If David does anything else, please tell me. I’ll make sure he pays.”

“Are you going to make him sleep with the fishes?” I joke because the thought of anyone being willing to go down with me over David makes me feel more emotion than I can handle right now. 

“Shut up Snow.”

“You called me Simon. Like two times.”

“I don’t recall. Now eat your pizza and shush so we can watch Harry Potter.” Then he turns and presses play on the movie. 

**____________**

We spend the rest of the night eating, watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban, making jokes, and quoting lines from the movie. I did end up asking what house he was in. 

“Hufflepuff, Snow.” He replies. 

“No fucking way.” I laugh. “I definitely thought all these times that you were a Slytherin.”

“You would,” He rolls his eyes and smiles at me. “You’re a Hufflepuff too aren’t you?”

“Yeah, through and through.” 

“Maybe we would have been roommates in the Hogwarts AU of our lives too then.” 

“I’d feel sorry for the other boys living in our dorm, we were definitely complete nightmares at the beginning. Imagine living with us for seven years.”

“They’d need therapy for sure.” We are both laughing at this point, but I’m not sure I’d change it. Our journey. This moment is nice, and I don’t know if we would have had this if we didn’t first have everything else that we did. Or maybe we would have gotten here quicker if we would have gotten our heads out of our asses. I’m not sure. Either way, I’m glad. Which I never thought I’d be when it concerns spending time with Baz. 

After the movie finishes, we get changed to go to bed and do our nightly routines. Mine is less complicated, of course, but I take my time in order to be near him. 

I’ve got my phone playing one of my songs for brushing my teeth and he is standing next to me at the neighboring sink. I can’t help but glance at him and realize how things are changing. 

Baz is  _ nice _ . He is really good looking too. I can say that right? I know Baz brought up the fact that he is gay, but I'm definitely straight. Straight guys can look at other guys and think that they smell good, look good, and have really soft hands that feel pleasantly cool in my warm ones. 

Right? I don’t think I’ve really thought about it before. Agatha and I dated for so long, I guess I assumed I was straight. Maybe I should think about it more. This seems like something everyone should consider at one point in their lives. Just do a quick ‘hey I am straight right?’ and then move on. 

We wash up and head back to our room, and as I’m following him I realize I am spending too much time looking at his butt. 

It’s a pretty good butt though. 

“Okay Snow,” He says and I jump, thinking he can hear my thoughts. God that would be terrifying. “If you want to see something really funny we should go to breakfast early enough so we can watch the string of teenagers pretending to not be hungover in the morning.” 

“Oh God, is it that bad? Maybe I should check in on Penny.” I immediately go for my phone, which I realize I hadn’t checked at all tonight. Hopefully she’s been okay. 

There are no texts- hmm.

“She didn’t text me. Hopefully, that means good things.” I shrug and turn to plug it in and jump onto my bed. 

“Goodnight,” Baz says before getting into his own bed and turning away from me. 

“Goodnight Baz,” I say, looking at him in the darkness of the room. The lights outside are still illuminating some of the room, so I can still see his outline. “Thanks for everything.”

He raises an arm and waves me off, obviously meaning  _ no big deal, now sleep _ . I chuckle a bit and turn to look up at the ceiling. 

My heart is still a bit jumpy- but I don’t think it’s anxiety now. My head keeps thinking about Baz touching me, how he called me Simon, comforted me even. The way his laugh sounds when I make a joke, and how it makes my whole body light up. 

I don’t think this is how normal friends feel about each other.

Maybe I’m not as straight as I thought I was…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your kudos/comments! They really mean the world to me, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Things are finally heating UP!
> 
> [Check out my tumblr.](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day(s) after Baz and Simon have their emotionally charged movie night, Simon has an existential crises about a recurring dream, Baz and Simon go to watch hungover high school students at breakfast, and Penny and Shepard seem to be growing closer.
> 
> (Spring 2020 pt4)

The next morning I wake up feeling refreshed. I, for the first time in a while, didn’t wake up from a nightmare. Looking over at Baz, still fast asleep, I realize why I didn’t have dreams of my mother. 

I was too busy having dreams about Baz. 

“Stop staring, Snow,” His voice comes through. I jump a bit, not expecting him to be awake already. “I’ll get up soon so we can get food and watch the show.”

“I wasn’t staring,” I mumble.

“I can feel your eyes bearing into my skull. Don’t worry I won’t make you starve.” He jokes. 

So I turn around and think more about my dream. It started as it always does, me in my house back in Missouri. I felt my panic grow as I realized what it was building towards. 

But then it didn’t.

“Hey there,” I feel arms wrap around me, and smell the familiar scent of cedar and bergamot surround me. “How was work?” A kiss is planted on my neck, and I lean into it.

“It was fine,” I respond, then I turn around and saw Baz’s face. It was soft, and his grey eyes were searching my own. “The usual amount of chaos.” I laugh. “How was your day?”

“It was good,” He shrugs. I feel the way his arms shift with the movement. The way his arms sit on the low of my back feels all too natural. “Nothing too exciting.” He kisses my forehead.

Why on earth was I dreaming about Baz kissing me? And more importantly, why did it feel so good?

I hear his bed shift as he gets up from across the room, and I immediately shake my head and sit up too. 

“Okay, let’s do this.” He beckons, carrying his toothbrush with him to the bathroom.

I follow, much like a puppy with its owner. It’s like he has a magnetic pull that I can’t seem to break. 

“So, what exactly am I in store for?” I ask after we brush our teeth.

“It’ll be better if you’re surprised.” He replies. 

“Oh, God.” I check my phone. “Still nothing from Penny or Shepard. Hopefully, they’re good. Have you heard from Dev or Niall?”

“After they finished pestering me about not going it was silence for the rest of the night.” He says, “I’m sure they’ll catch me up on their blunders this morning or during practice later today.”

“I couldn’t imagine practicing while being hungover.”

“If anything it’ll make us all suffer.” He opens the door to the outdoors, and the cool morning air encompasses me, waking me up even more. “Coach will probably make us do extra suicides just to get through it.” I grimace in response. I can only imagine how horrible those are sober, let alone after a night of drinking. 

We continue to walk to the cafeteria, and I start to see people emerge from their dorms for food. It’s like a swarm of zombies. 

“Good lord, did the whole school go to this?” I ask Baz as we get our food and sit down.

“Probably a fair amount,” He nods, looking out at the people currently on their way for food. “Just wait for a loud noise and I’m sure you’ll hear a mass groan.”

That’s when I notice Penny and Shepard walking down. Shepard is wearing his usual jean jacket, paired with joggers and a faded Watford t-shirt. Penny has her hair up in a messy bun, is excitedly talking to Shepard about _something_ , and has on leggings with a Harvard shirt that she inherited from her mother.

_Interesting._

“Seems like those two got along well enough last night,” Baz smirks before taking a bite of his breakfast. 

“Seems so,” I ponder, watching them walk into the cafeteria. Penny doesn’t even notice me as I wave to her. “They must have gotten over whatever issue Penny had before.”

“I don’t think she had any issue with him.” He says. I look at him confused as I definitely thought she wasn’t a fan. “I think they just had a lot of _tension_. If you catch my drift.” He winks at me.

My heart flutters.

“Tension?” My brain must not be working. 

“Yes, tension Snow.” He puts down his fork. “It’s obvious that Shepard likes her, and I think she feels the same. But she just got out of a relationship and probably isn’t ready to trust anyone.”

“I thought she was fine.” God am I the worst friend in the world?

“I think she was, but there is still a residual pain from losing someone you loved. I’m not sure it’s quite as easy as one thinks to get over a heartbreak.”

“You sound like you know from experience.” I try to pull off his signature raised eyebrow. He never mentioned whether he’d been in a relationship before. 

“Just from watching others go through it. I’ve not been in a serious relationship before, but I’ve seen the pain it can cause others.” He replies casually. “Also you look like a crazy person.” He waves his fork at my face. I knew the raised eyebrow wouldn’t look as good on me. I relax my face and shrug in response before I look back up and see Penny and Shepard.

“Hey, Pen!” I shout across the room. She turns and immediately takes a step away from Shepard. He looks at her with a slight furrow between his brows, and I can’t tell if he is more confused or upset by the move. 

“Hey, Si!” She shouts back, making her way towards us. Shepard follows and puts on a smile, but I can it's mostly for show.

“How was last night?” I ask as they sit down.

“It was good.” She smiles. “Shepard and I actually had a lot of fun. He tried to tell me about the flat earth conspiracy theory, but once he stopped it was good.” She nudges him a bit, and his smile turns into a real one. 

“Hey, you thought it was interesting too.” He tells her. 

“Whatever,” She rolls her eyes. “We ran into Micah too.” She tells me.

“How was that?” I hope he didn’t fuck with her. I would actually punch him then. I’ve never hit a person, but I think I could do a good job of hitting him if I needed to. 

“It was fine,” She shrugs. “He was with some sophomore so he didn’t really notice us. I guess he moved on quickly.” She slouches a bit.

“Hey now,” Shepard jumps in. “Fuck that guy. For real Pen. He lost a wonderful person when he broke up with you. Don’t let him ruin what was a great high school party.” He pokes her shoulder and she smiles up at him. 

I guess their relationship really did advance, much like Baz and I’s did. I take a moment to glance at him while Shepard and Penny talk. He is watching them carefully, a smile softly placed on his face. His dark hair is loosely framing his face, and his chin is in his palm. 

My brain, being the asshole it is, makes me think of the dream again from last night. Baz, Penny, and Shepard are all talking, so I don’t think they notice I’m zoning out. 

“Ready to eat?” He asked me, moving his hands to run them up and down my arms. 

“Always.” I smile, and I reach up and kiss his lips. In my dream they were soft. I’m not sure if I’ve spent much time considering what boy lips would feel like, but they felt softer than I thought they would have. 

“Well, time to feed my starving husband then.” He smiles back, leading me to the kitchen. 

Husband? I look at the hand that I have in his and I see a gold band on my ring finger. It suddenly feels heavy and I pull my hand back to fidget with it. I take it off and see a small sun engraved on the inside. 

“Simon, you okay?” I hear Shepard ask. I shake my head of the thoughts.

“Yeah,” I cough. “Yeah, why what’s up?”

“I don’t know man,” He is laughing a bit. “You were daydreaming about something and smiling like an idiot. For a minute I thought you were just checking Baz out.”

“What?” I say with a crack in my voice. “Uh, no. Sorry. I was just thinking about how glad I am that you both are getting along.” There is definitely a blush creeping up my cheeks, and I glance and see a weird look on Baz’s face. I don’t want to be caught staring again, so I don’t get to figure out exactly what it means. 

“Well,” Penny coughs. “How was your night boys?”

Thankfully, Baz answers. He skips over my detrimental breakdown, and I can’t help but give him a smile on that. I’m not ready for Penny or Shepard to know about it. Not yet at least. 

It’s in the middle of our story when we see Dev and Niall walk in, and there is a pause before Baz busts out in laughter. Dev and Niall both have sharpie mustaches drawn on their faces, and they both look a mess. 

“Good night, boys?” Baz asks as they walk over. 

“You’d know if you would have come.” Dev crosses his arms. 

“Calm down, I had things to do. Go grab some food and take a seat.” Baz replies. 

Dev looks at all of us and looks back at Baz. When he opens his mouth to respond Niall cuts him off.

“Baz is right, let’s get food. It’ll help calm the monster within.” Niall winks at us as they turn to get food. 

“They seem upset,” I comment as I finish off my coffee. 

“They’ll get over it. I’ve been to enough of their parties, missing one won’t kill them.” 

So we finish breakfast like that, in a huge group on the edge of the cafeteria. Dev and Niall give Baz crap for being _lame_ , but ultimately joke around with him about memories from other parties. 

It doesn’t take long for the entire table to be in conversation with each other. I look at Baz and smile. It feels like two worlds are colliding, and I’m excited about it. 

**____________**

When Baz and I get back up to our room, we quietly go back to lying in our beds. 

“Wanna play another Harry Potter movie?” He asks, already pulling the remote into his hand. 

“Yes,” I reply. “I can’t promise I’ll stay awake, but I’m always down.” I do feel super sleepy. 

“Did you not sleep well?” He asks.

“I did, yeah. I’m not sure why I’m so tired. Maybe it’s just a lazy day.” I shrug, moving to get under the covers.

“Any dreams last night?” He is opening the sixth movie up. Good choice. 

“Uh, nope. None that I remember.” I lie.

“Okay,” He says. Everything in his voice tells me that he doesn’t believe what I’m saying. Immediately I worry that I said something in my sleep last night. Hopefully, I didn’t say anything along the lines of ‘Baz and I are married’ or ‘kiss me Baz’. That would be _mortifying_.

If he did hear anything though, he lets it go and settles himself into his own bed while the movie begins to play. 

____________

In the next two weeks, I have the Baz dream another three times. Each dream is very similar; we are married, we kiss, and it feels like domestic bliss.

There was the one where things got more _inappropriate_ and I woke up in a state that I prayed Baz didn’t notice. 

It was a cold shower type of morning, I’ll leave it at that. 

But luckily spring break is approaching, and I may have a moment to figure out what all this means. Am I gay? Am I having these dreams as a manifestation of something else?

I’m not sure, so it seems I need to figure this all out. 

“What are you doing?” Penny asks behind me. I jump and drop my phone. 

“What do you mean?” I ask, playing it cool. 

“You were intensely looking at your phone. I wasn’t sure if something was happening.” She states, moving to sit across from me at the library. 

I was looking at my phone, trying to take any ‘what sexuality are you’ quiz I could find. 

I’m not sure if I can trust any of these results though, as I continue to wonder if I am trying to sway it one way or the other. I need something that I can’t control the outcome, or give bias to the process. Someone just needs to come up to me and hit me across the face and tell me what all this stuff in my head means. 

“Sorry, I was reading an email from dad.” I shrug. “He was giving me information about his trip over break and chores I need to do while he is gone.”

“A break all alone? That sounds like a dream. My siblings are going to be jumping all over me.” Penny responds. 

Truthfully a break all alone does sound exactly like what I need. 

“It’ll be good, yeah,” I respond before checking the time. “Oh shit, actually I do need to go and start packing up before we leave tonight.”

“You’re already leaving? Don’t you have class tomorrow?” She asks.

“Yeah, but he can only take me back home tonight, so I have to leave. I’ve already talked to my teachers though, and have turned in my assignments.” I frantically pack my bag. 

“Good boy.” She nods before opening her book. “I’ll talk to you over break then, okay?”

“For sure Pen.” I ruffle her hair, which makes her groan, and I walk out of the library. 

Time to have my alone time to think and discover everything about _Baz_ in this situation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I appreciate all your kudos/comments and such :). I hope you enjoy Simon's gay panic and his dream about being married to Baz ;).
> 
> [Check out my tumblr!](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon returns from break. He's realized a few things, all coming to the same conclusion- he likes Baz, and wants to kiss him.
> 
> Will he cope by actually communicating to Baz about it? Or will he just sink into a playlist and pine silently?
> 
> (Spring 2020 pt5)

So the week before spring break brought some moments of _realization_ for me. It’s caused a lot of panic, which I was lucky enough to work through during our week apart. Baz and I have been getting closer since I returned from Christmas break, but that emotionally charged night pushed us even closer. We spent a good chunk of break texting each other, which only made everything worse. 

Some things I have had on my mind since that night:

  1. Baz is really cute.  
Like really cute. Or should I say hot? sexy? attractive? handsome? There are so many words in the English language that could describe how he looks (trust me, I've looked into it.) I always _knew_ he was attractive, but I guess I hadn’t thought maybe that was _me_ being attracted to _him_. I thought it was a known fact, kind of like the sky being blue or grass being green. Boy was I mistaken.
  2. Apparently, I like guys?  
I guess I hadn’t really thought of it since Agatha and I had dated for so long, but the feeling in my gut every time Baz texts me is not one I feel when anyone else does. I've tried looking at other men around me, but I haven’t found any other guys who make me feel the way Baz does. Maybe I’m some kind of weird Baz-sexual? Not that other guys aren’t _attractive_ , only Baz is so unbelievably so, why would I bother looking at anyone else?
  3. Baz is actually really nice.  
He’s been checking in on me and making sure nothing has happened with David over break. Baz even offered to steal me away if I needed to. He was in New York City this week with Fiona and claimed that coming to steal his boyfriend was exactly the type of chaotic move she'd be down for. The way my heart felt at this only pushed me closer to the feelings I’m trying to avoid.
  4. Baz is gay.  
This is a plus for this whole situation. He is attracted to guys, which means there is more of a chance he is attracted to me. But it doesn’t mean he _actually_ likes me. Why would he? I’m nothing if not a mess and he is so well put together, articulate, and overall incredibly out of my league. There isn’t a chance for me. 
  5. Baz texts like he is going to get counted off for spelling and grammar.   
He will count you off for spelling and grammar mistakes in texts. It’s impossibly cute. Sometimes I make purposeful mistakes just to get corrected. I think I may be addicted to the way he calls me an idiot. That's not normal, is it?
  6. If you get him started, he will talk about his younger siblings for _hours_.   
I like to get him started. It’s impossibly soft for someone like him and you can tell his siblings love him as much as he loves them. 
  7. I’ve got it really bad. 



So it is fair enough to say I had a lot to think about over break. Penny and Shepard tried to contact me a few times, but I was so hyper-focused on the situation with Baz, I had forgotten to respond. That’ll bite me in the butt now we are back I’m sure, but hopefully they’ll understand. 

Should I tell them? I almost feel like I need to ignore all of this. The feelings for Baz. Nothing is going to happen to them anyway. Why would Baz ever like me back too? 

God, I’m fucked. 

**____________**

“Simon you better answer your door.” I hear Penny pounding on the door as I start unpacking my cleaned laundry into my dresser. Immediately I flinch, prepared for the storm ahead. 

Baz isn’t even back yet to protect me from this. Though it’s for the best, considering the fact _he_ is the one I was ignoring Penny for. If she found out I was making love eyes at my phone all break any time he texted, yet ignored her, I’d actually be killed. So I take a deep breath, grab the door handle, and barely open the door before she is storming into my room. 

“Glad to see you are alive!” She is wearing a frown on her face, brows furrowed and hair properly frizzed around her. 

It’s like looking into the human embodiment of a storm. 

“Hey there Penny,” I say calmly, scratching the back of my head. “How was your break?”

She slaps me on the shoulder.

  
“For real Simon, what happened to you? It’s like you ghosted us. I even asked Shepard if he had heard from you and he said you weren’t responding to him either. Almost reached out to Baz but figured if you were ignoring the two of us you were probably ghosting him too.”

Oh shit, was she wrong there. 

“I’m sorry Pen.” I hold my hands up in defeat. I really am sorry though, I know she cares. It was an overwhelming break. “I had a lot on my mind and needed to process it all. I know it’s not fair to you- and I am really truly sorry.”

“Good.” She says, crossing her arms but visibly calming down. “Now really, what’s going on? Even before the break, you seemed a little off. Did something happen that night we left for the party? Baz didn’t do anything, did he?”

Baz did _everything_.

She’s probably talking about how jerky I was the day after. I tried really hard to play it cool, but it was hard not to stare at the objects of my thoughts (Baz.) Especially when he wore jeans (fuck did his butt look good in them.) I’m sure I looked like I was in another land. 

“No secrets Simon.” She says, pointing a finger at me. Penny wears a purple ring on that finger, a family heirloom she says, and it glows as the light hits it. It’s almost magical looking for a moment, and I know there is no use fighting against her. 

“Take a seat,” I sigh

We both sit down on my bed and I turn to face her. 

“Penny, I think I like Baz.”

Her eyes go round. I can see her processing, and soon her face moves into acceptance. She purses her lips and nods her head.

“That makes sense.”

“Wait- what?” I am shocked. How on earth does it make sense?

“You’ve been obsessed with him since you came here. I’ve also caught him staring at you a few times too, so I think he is as obsessed with you as you are with him. I’m pretty sure he likes you as well.”

“You think?” I know I should be fighting the point she made about me being obsessed, but the little monster in me is begging for him to like me and is taking control instead. 

“Oh Simon,” She puts a hand on my shoulder. “You’re oblivious.” I frown.

“Am not. I’m plenty observant. Like how you aren’t super frustrated with Shepard anymore.” I raise an eyebrow, knowing I’ve got her there. She never would have texted him, even if it was for dirt on me. They must have really gotten on at the party they went to. 

“No changing the subject Simon.” 

“Fine- I’m just saying. I think I may not be the only one who has it bad for someone else.” She rolls her eyes and gives me a look so I know the subject is dropped. 

“What are you going to do about it?” She asks.

“Nothing.” I look down at my hands. “It’s hopeless- he’s so out of my league. I enjoy being friends anyway. I don’t want to ruin that or make things awkward by bringing it up.”

“I-” Penny starts, but then we hear Baz’s key in the door so she stops immediately before jumping off the bed. 

“Hey, Baz!” She says, patting him on the shoulder as she passes him before turning to me and blowing a kiss and walking out the door. 

“Oh- hey Bunce!” He looks confused when he turns to me. “She didn’t have to leave just because I got back.”

“It’s fine- she needed to anyway.” I wave him off, lying a little too easily. “Did you have a good break?”

“Fiona and I spent the week in the city. Coming back was rough, she always drives like a madman. It’s a miracle I’m here in one piece.” He laughs as he drops his bag on the ground. He looks me up and down and asks seriously “Are you doing okay?”

I know what he is asking. He’s asking if there are any new bruises or breaks. Baz’s concern only makes everything incredibly worse. He already knows the answer to his question, but I know he is looking for confirmation. 

“Yeah, he was gone for most of the break so not much harm done.” I give him a smile to help sell the point. My break was filled with more panic about Baz than it was about David, thank God. He had to travel to another shelter on the west coast and decided I wasn’t coming with him. I tried to make him think I was disappointed when truly my heart was doing flips on the inside. 

“Good.” His body visibly relaxes. He still checks over my exposed skin, which makes me shiver a bit. Then the spell breaks and he is back to unpacking, talking about how we are going to have to crack down for the SATs which are right around the corner. 

All I can think about is his arms, and how they felt around me. 

This whole ignoring my feelings thing is going to be much harder than I thought it was going to be. 

**____________**

The first couple weeks into our last quarter of junior year are filled with studying for SATs, working on school work, and me trying to navigate my friendship with Baz. 

I even made a playlist for him. It’s got a little dinosaur as the title and is filled with songs that make me think of him or my feelings. I thought it would help me get some of it out. At least in a way that doesn't involve talking to Penny (who has told me to stop talking to her about it until I actually do something about my feelings.) 

I was wrong. Somehow listening to songs about bergamot (he always smells like it), wanting to be his, and even Out of My League, makes my feelings grow? I guess I should have seen it coming. 

I’m listening to it one day in the Library, working on my pre-calc homework, when Baz comes up and I see his mouth moving before I realize that I need to pause the music. 

“Sorry, can you repeat that?” I say, removing an earbud from an ear. He rolls his eyes but smiles and repeats himself. 

“I was thinking maybe this summer you could come to join me in the Hamptons? We usually go for a couple of weeks and it could mean that you are not only away from David, but you could actually have some fun in New York.” He is looking into my eyes as he says this and all I can think about is his grey eyes for a moment. 

“Are you sure?” I’m not sure why he would offer this. “That means you’d have to spend two weeks straight with me. Are you sure you could manage?”

“Snow, I’ve lived with you all year. I think I can manage it. Though we may have to work on your wardrobe.” He kicks my foot under the table and smiles. I can feel my face start to blush, but smile back. 

“That would be brilliant Baz,” I reply. “I’ve only got to convince David to let me.”

That makes Baz purse his lips but he nods as a reply. 

“Could I work here too? I need to work on chemistry homework.” I nod and he begins to pull his stuff out. Then he curses a bit.

“I don’t have my headphones- do you mind sharing yours? I don’t mind what music- I just need something to distract from whatever is happening over there.” He points to the shelves and I see a couple that is having a whispered argument. 

“Oh yeah for sure.” I raise one out and he moves to my side of the table. I can feel his body close to me and it’s all I think about as we move through our work and I play my playlist. 

It isn’t until a half an hour later that I realize that I’m playing _his_ playlist. 

“Is this your playlist?” He asks as he slides his homework back into a folder and pulls out his grammar book.

“Yeah.” I sputter out. “I can change it.”

“No-no it’s good. I’ll have to follow it.” 

He grabs my phone to look at it and smiles. I can’t even stop it. 

“A dinosaur? Interesting title” He laughs and puts it back down shaking his head. 

I hope he doesn’t know that it’s a reference to his first name. Because then he would wonder why I have a playlist titled after him with a bunch of songs about being into someone. 

“Yeah I couldn’t really think of one so why not. I love dinosaurs so it fits.” _Lame excuse, he will never buy it._

He nods and picks up his phone and I gulp as he opens his apps to go to my Spotify and follow it. I don’t know how to stop this. 

“Oh wait. shit.” He startles me out of my thoughts “I’m supposed to be down for a meeting with Coach Mac before the team shows up.” He starts stuffing all of his stuff in his bag frantically. It isn’t like him to not be organized about time. 

Part of me hopes that I distract him as much as he distracts me. 

“Oh crap, well I’ll see you later okay?” I ask.

“Yes, later.” He grabs his things and runs for our room. 

I put my head on the table and silently curse myself. I’m such a fucking idiot. 

“You okay there?” I hear someone ask. When I lift my head I see Shepard and I relax a little. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I shrug. 

“I’m not so sure about that,” He says as he sits across from me. “Need to talk?”

“Probably.”

“Do you want to?”

“No.”

“Okay," He nods for a second. "How about we go get some fresh air? This stuffy library is suffocating.” He stands back up and waits for me to follow. 

I’m so grateful for friends like him. 

“Yeah, sure.” I pack my things up and follow him out. “You have any crazy stories you need to talk about?”

“I mean, it really depends on the level you want to go.” He laughs. “Do you want silly, political, or spooky?”

“Silly, I think. I could use some silliness right now.” I feel a sinking feeling in my gut. 

“Did you ever go to Chuck E Cheese growing up?” He says as he opens the door to the library. The sunshine and warm air make me feel calmer already. Shepard is smarter than anyone gives him credit, I think he knew exactly what I needed. 

“Of course.” I nod, wondering where he is going with this. 

“There’s this theory that they use uneaten pizza slices and combine them into a new pizza, which they then serve to other customers.” 

“I mean, you won’t have to do much to convince me of that.” I laugh. “That sounds pretty on-brand from what I remember.”

He continues on and shows me some pretty damning photos of the pizza that they serve, and I start calming down from my embarrassing moment with Baz earlier. We are lying on the grass, with the sun shining down on us, and I feel warm and cozy. 

“Thanks, Shepard.”

“Nothing to thank me for.” He says. “Seems like you’re having a rough one.”

“Can I ask you something?” I sit up. 

“Go for it.”

“Do you have a crush on Penny?” 

He immediately stiffens up and looks like he got caught doing something illegal. After a moment though he squints his eyes and responds with a question.

  
“Do you have a crush on Baz?” Damn, he’s got me there. But judging by his response, I think I understand where he is at too. 

I lie back down with a sigh. 

“We are both screwed aren’t we?” 

“I’d say so, Simon.” He laughs back. “Maybe we both need to, as the older generations say, ‘grow a pair’ and shoot our shot with them.”

“What if they say no? And we go back to never speaking again and then living with them becomes really awkward?” I spill out. 

“Well I guess at least I don’t have to deal with the living with my crush part, but I think we will be okay. Don’t you?” 

I shrug.

“Worst case scenario it blows up in our faces and our love remains unrequited. We will still have each other as friends- and we could request to live together next year if you needed to get away from Baz.”

“The thought of this makes me want to throw up if I’m being honest.”

“Same. But also I’m kind of excited at the thought of at least knowing for sure.” 

“I guess.” I shrug. “I think I’m a little more paralyzed by fear than anything else.” 

“That’s okay.” He responds. “Just take your time, and talk to him when you feel ready. I think your feelings might be more requited than you feel they are.”

“I think yours are too.” I smile. 

We then continue by gushing about the two of them. It’s kind of nice to talk to someone about it all, and for them to get it. I can’t help but smile as Shepard goes on about how great Penny is. 

I think this could be something great. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I really appreciate all the comments and kudos you have given. It's really meant a lot to me! I hope you enjoy it so far :). 
> 
> Songs:
> 
> Bergamot Feels- Edwin Raphael, Madison  
> I Wanna Be Yours- Arctic Monkeys  
> Out of My League- Fitz And The Tantrums
> 
> [Check out my tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> [ If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=PpgG1j-JSWeffrN1qKaYUA)
> 
> [Simon's Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=Xzm4IVOBQkK4VkrZPWaaIQ)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's coming to the end of Simon's first year at Watford. He's still trying to work out his feelings with Baz, while also dealing with the anniversary of his mom's death.
> 
> (Spring 2020 pt 6)

My first year at Watford is getting close to the end. If you had asked me in August, I wouldn't have believed I'd end up happy with friends and actually feel like I’m going to miss it over the summer. 

Well, ‘happy’ is a relative term here. As the end of the year approaches, I feel like I’m watching it all happen from the outside- like I’m an observer of my life, detached and unfocused. I’m going through the motions of life, but I don’t think I’m fully present. 

All too often Baz, Penny, Shepard, or even my teachers have to prompt me from my brain, getting me to refocus. I’ve stopped eating as much, I don’t want to get out of bed, and I’ve canceled some shifts at Ebb's. I cited stress from finals, but I’m not studying for those either in my extra time. Baz seems to be the only one who can really get me out of my stupor most times. 

The thought of Baz alone makes me sigh wistfully. I didn’t know I could do that, or even feel this way. I don’t remember feeling like this when I wanted to date Agatha. (Or even _while_ I was dating Agatha). 

I am detached from most things right now, but seeing Baz, thinking about him, and talking with him makes me feel alive. It’s like it’s completely consuming. Some days I look forward to that light, the feeling of being alive. But others it almost feels like too much; like if we interact I might set the world ablaze. 

He is sitting across from me now at dinner, talking about his sister Mordelia, and how she has a school concert coming up. She is in fourth grade this year, and as a right of passage, she needs to learn and play the recorder. 

“It won’t sound good, no one makes beautiful music on a _recorder_. But I have to go support her.” He says staring at his phone as he types back to his family. They’re going to come around tomorrow morning to pick him up and he’s going to stay the night there, so I’ll be all alone. 

“You’ll have to take a video and send it to me. I bet it’ll be hilariously wonderful.” I say before stabbing my pasta with my fork. My plate is still fairly full, as I’m just moving the food around. The hunger I had moments ago has left me once again. 

“What if you come with?” He says, looking up from his phone. 

“Wait- what?” _Why would they want me there?_ “Are you sure? Wouldn’t your family want it to just be you? I don’t want to intrude.”

“Yes, of course.” He says smiling at me. “You can come and meet my family. They want to meet you anyway.”

“Oh, God. I can only imagine what you’ve told them about me.”

“Well, besides your inability to clean or eat without causing a mess, you’d be surprised how many positive things they’ve heard Snow.” I want to prod more, but I let it go. 

“I think David is out of town this weekend, so I might not even have to run it by him. I could even leave my phone at school in case he tracks me.”

That makes Baz frown. 

“Do you think he’d really be that upset by it? You going out of town with a friend?”

“It’s better safe than sorry. I can talk to him about it- but that puts us at risk of him saying no.” I shrug. 

Baz purses his lips and goes back to texting without responding to me. My thoughts wander and I continue to push my food around my plate, forcing myself to eat any part of it that my stomach allows. 

**____________**

Two days later I’m in my room underneath the blankets. Music is playing on my phone with my earbuds plugged in, trying my hardest to block out the noises in my head. 

One year ago I found out that David was going to take us away from home. 

One month from then I found my mom dead. She was dead and I was in the house, for hours, and had no idea. 

I try hard not to let the questions that pour in all too often enter my head, but they’re too loud. What if I could have saved her? What if I had done something to cause this? She could have been helped if I had just gone to look for her faster. Maybe she was still alive when I was home. 

They’re impossible to stop, especially when the nightmares start coming back. 

_I wish Baz were here_.

I’m not sure how long I sit like this, cocooned in bed under blankets with my music, but it must be a while. My hair is greasy, my mouth tastes gross, and I should probably eat something today. 

I just can’t get myself up to move. 

The door opens and closes quietly and I hear Baz walk through the room. My phone dies right after, almost as if it knows I need to be present for Baz’s entering. I want to plug it in, but moving is not going to happen right now. 

He’s back from seeing Mordelia perform; he texted a few times but I didn’t really respond. I felt bad for not going, but David said he wanted me to stay here. After blatantly asking him for permission and receiving no as an answer, I knew it wouldn’t be smart to go. He’d certainly send someone to check on me (which he did.)

“Earth to Snow,” I hear from the outside of my blankets. A bit of light shines through as he lifts the blanket up a bit to peer inside. “Are you in here?”

I groan and pull the blanket back down. 

“Are you okay?” He asks, voice laced with concern. 

I’m not sure how to respond so I stay quiet. Then I feel the blanket lift up again and he slips in. 

I didn’t expect this outcome. What does one do when your crush slips into bed with you while you’re in the middle of a mental breakdown? This is something they should really teach you about in school. What would the class be called? How to deal with emotions 101 perhaps? That’s probably a class I need more than anything at the moment. 

“It’s almost the time of year when it all happened isn’t it?” He asks quietly. It’s dark under my blankets, and I wish I had showered since he is so close, but I can still see a hint of light coming through and the softness in his eyes. I nod my head in response and he pulls me close to him. My entire body tenses up at the contact before I lean into it and tears immediately start falling down my cheeks. 

So now I’ve cried on Baz twice. I’m not liking these stats. All it does is decrease the likelihood that he would ever want to date me. He is speaking to me but I don’t register much of it. There are bits coming through, words of comfort mostly, but then he talks about his own experiences with his mom and how he handles it throughout the years. 

Hearing his voice is a comfort. It helps more than any other thing I’ve tried at this point. Eventually the tears subside and I’ve got my head on his chest. We are still trapped under the blankets and he is quietly talking to me about Mordelia’s performance. 

“Then we all went and got milkshakes afterward. It made me think of all those times that you dip your fries in yours. Absolutely disgusting.” He chuckles. 

“Hey, don’t knock it until you try it,” I say, my voice hoarse from crying and from disuse. 

“I doubt I’ll ever like it. But maybe you can convince me otherwise.”

“Baz- are you offering what I think you’re offering?”

“If it’ll get you out and showered and eating, then perhaps.” He says with a light tone. It only lasts a moment before he drops his voice again and continues. “I assume I’m right in that assumption. I’ve noticed that you’re eating less lately, and I assume you haven’t left this room since we got back Friday.”

I lift the blanket and let fresh air enter our lungs. His eyes have concern written all over them, and I know I can’t hide from it, from him. I nod slightly and he gives me a very tight-lipped smile. 

It has nothing on his actual one. His real smile blinds me at times, and it only enhances his features. 

Not that he needs it. 

“Thanks, Baz,” I say, choking on emotion “I really appreciate it.”

“It’s no problem. If anyone gets it, it’s me. Now let’s go get some food.” He gets out of my bed and walks to his side of the room and waits. 

I get up for the first time in what feels like forever, stretch my bones, change clothes, and we head for his car to grab food. 

**____________**

Everything feels hazy. My brain isn’t quite operating right, I left my phone at school, and even the fries and shake in front of me don’t sound appealing. I force myself to eat what is in front of me, knowing I haven’t eaten since the pasta that I had with Baz two nights ago. It’s like nothing has the same spark that it usually does. 

Baz is looking at me before he takes a fry and goes for my shake. Immediately I perk up, needing to know more. I wait to hear a response, assuming he will find it disgusting (but hoping that I have turned him.)

“Not bad.” He nods, albeit begrudgingly. “I probably won’t do it again though.” He goes back to his burger and we eat in silence for a bit. 

“Oh I’ll get you addicted, just watch me.” I grin, reaching for a fry of my own. 

When we get back to his car he plugs in his phone and clicks play and Mitski plays low on the speakers. Leaning against the window I listen to his songs and we get back to school before a Kishi Bashi song ends. 

His music taste is about what I thought it’d be; some old stuff and some offbeat that I didn’t think many would know. I hate how well it fits my own taste (I don't-I love it.) 

“Well, Snow,” Baz starts as we walk back to our room. “I don’t know if I helped, but I want you to know I am here for you if you need me. The first year is always the worst, but it never gets _easy_. The beginning of each school year has been hard for me every year since my mother passed. It gets better, but it’ll never be the same.”

“Thank you,” I am trying to hold back tears, I _cannot_ cry in front of him again. I feel our hands brush as we walk to the elevator, and sparks shoot up my arm. I am weak, I swear. “I really appreciate it and everything you’ve done tonight.”

“Like I said Snow, it’s no problem.” He smiles down at me. 

My heart clenches at his smile and we get into the elevator and go up to our floor. Walking down the hall I can feel how my brain starts to get tired again, but it is jolted awake when I walk by Shepard’s room and see a girl with brown frizzy hair.

“Penny?” I say, stopping in the doorway. “Is that you?”

She jumps out and immediately looks flustered. 

“Oh hey, Simon!” She says, a little too enthusiastically. I can’t help but chuckle a bit at her state of disorder. 

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Just hanging out with Shepard.” She is trying hard to straighten herself up. What’s going on here? Did Shepard finally ‘shoot his shot’ as he said he would? “But I’m leaving. Bye Shep!” She says, and I hear him say goodbye as well. Then she pats me on the shoulder and gives me a kiss on my cheek and walks down the hall to leave. 

“Uh,” I start. But then I hear Baz chuckle behind me. 

“About time, really.” He states. “I thought they’d never get together.” Then he walks down the hall and I can’t help but follow him. It’s like he has a magnetic pull on me. If it were anyone else I wouldn’t have followed, I’d have stayed and investigated what happened. But since it’s Baz, my curiosity will have to wait. 

“You knew?”

“Of course I knew, it was impossible not to know.” He says matter-of-factly as he unlocks the door and opens it. “It’s a small school, everyone always knows who is into who.”

Hopefully people don’t know who _I_ am into. 

“Shepard had talked to me about it a while back, but Penny never cracked. Maybe I just need to push her into admitting it. She does it to me, so I guess it’s time for me to do the same to her.”

“I’d love to see that brawl.” He laughs and leans against his bed. I mimic his stance, biting my lip- a question itching to come out. 

“Hey Baz,” I start- not sure exactly where I’m going with this. “How did you know you were gay?”

He raises an eyebrow. 

“How did you know you were straight Snow?” He answers instead. 

“I never said I was straight.”

That makes Baz tense up. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” I say, looking down at my feet. My heart is racing. 

“You said you had interests at one point,” I move on, “who are you into?”

“Not interests.” He says, too quietly. “Interest. For a long while now I’ve only had one interest.”

My heart skips a beat. God, I can only hope it’s me. When I look up I notice Baz has stepped closer to me. That only makes my body flush with warmth. I want him closer. 

Did his eyes look down at my lips? 

“Who is your one interest?” 

“It’s a small school. You could probably guess Snow.”

“Please tell me it’s not Dev.”

He laughs at that. 

“God no- never Dev. He’s my cousin. Niall at one point, but that was just experimental as we figured out who we were.”

“Ah.”

I step closer to him, and I can see a pink tinge on his cheeks too. Penny had said that it was _obvious_ that Baz liked me. I wonder if maybe she is right? Searching his face gives me nothing, but I reach a hand out to link my fingers between his. 

He lets me. 

“Baz,” I say- thinking of how it would feel to have his lips against mine. “I don’t think I can guess. As you’ve said- I’m pretty oblivious. Sometimes I need things spelled out for me.”

“Simon,” He says quietly. I can feel his breath on my face. “You are completely and utterly oblivious, but even you should have seen the signs.”

“Well then,” I say, trying to push myself into confidence. “I hope I’ve read them right.” 

And then I reach forward and I kiss him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Strawberry Blond- Mitski  
> Honeybody- Kishi Bashi
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> (I may have also written this chapter and chapter 11 from Baz's POV too... will post soon.)
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I also made a playlist for this if you'd like to check it out! There is also a playlist that Simon made for Baz ;). 
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=WZ_NfkUQQ1-fnqcgBvw2fA)
> 
> [🦖](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=WykkT18dSxi_0KEGttBYeg)


	14. Figure it Out, Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've got another Baz POV chapter :) (This coincides with the past two chapters, 11 and 12)
> 
> Baz wants to date Simon, but he isn't sure if he likes him or not. If only he could figure out if Simon even liked guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally its own work, but I decided to just put it into the story with everything else, thinking it'll be more cohesive. Hopefully, that works for you guys!

“Can you please slow down Fi?” I’m gripping the edge of the vehicle as if that’ll save me when she hits something. 

“Oh calm down I’m not that bad of a driver.” She lifts a hand to wave me off as if I am being ridiculous.

“You’ve hit three curbs and have already run through two lights. It’s a miracle you haven’t been pulled over.”

“Stop being dramatic.” 

I roll my eyes and pray that we make it in one piece. Fiona is so used to living in the city with public transport, and the way New York City drivers act has turned her into an insane driver. I just want to make it to Watford in one piece so I can make sure Snow is okay. 

He said he was, but seeing him in person will help. Knowing that all his freckles and moles are still intact, that he has no bruises or broken bones, and that he is back at school where I can keep an eye on him will help. 

I check my phone. He hasn’t responded in a while, I assume because he is with _David_. 

Fucking David. 

“Hey there now, I’m not seriously going to kill us. Don’t get angry with me.” Fiona says. I blink. 

“What?”

“You look like a storm is brewing in your mind there. What’s up?” She glances at me, concern written all over her face before she turns back to the road. 

“Oh, it’s nothing.” I don’t know how much of Snow’s life I should bring up to others. If it were up to me I’d have run straight to the police the first day back from winter break, but he seemed like he didn’t want to get into it. 

The fact that he told me what _really_ happened was a feat in and of itself. For now, I can only hope I can keep him safe. 

“Not by the look on your face there.” She pokes my cheek; I wave her off. 

“I’m fine, Fi.” I groan. “I don’t want to get into it. I’m just thinking about someone I’m worried about.”

“Is it that person you’ve been texting all week?” I turn to look at her. “You keep making love eyes at your phone, and you’re not very sneaky about it.” 

“It could be.” I give in, if I don’t she will eat me alive. “But I’m not saying anything more.”

“So be it, but I would take a guess that whatever boy you’re texting probably likes you too.” She winks. 

“Maybe,” I ponder. I’ve definitely _wondered_ if there might be something with Snow. I haven’t gotten confirmation about his sexuality though, so I don’t want to spring something on him before he comes out. That could be traumatic for both sides. “But I’m not so sure yet.”

She shrugs and lets me drop the subject. I can’t help but be immensely relieved. Even more so when I see the school in the distance, meaning this car ride is almost over. 

**____________**

When I come to the room I hear voices inside. It must be Bunce and Snow in there, probably catching up from break. I take a deep breath before I stick my key into the door to unlock it. 

“Hey, Baz!” Bunce says, almost too loudly. She immediately busts out of the room, leaving Snow and me alone. 

“She didn’t have to leave,” I tell Snow. 

He continues the conversation, asking about my break, and I respond accordingly. It all feels mechanical, however, because my main focus is looking over him, making sure he is okay. 

“Are you okay?” I ask, after telling him about Fiona’s driving skills. 

He tells me he is and gives a soft smile. I can’t tell how _real_ the smile is. It almost seems rehearsed, so it doesn’t do much to ease my anxiety. But I don’t see any bruises, breaks, or other signs of trauma, so I try to relax. 

I’m back with Snow, he is safe, and he is healthy. What could I possibly complain about?

**____________**

“So Baz,” Niall says one day while we are practicing. “When are you gonna ask Snow out?”

I pick the ball up and throw it at him. 

Coach Mac whistles at me and gives me a glare. 

“Apologies Coach!” I shout at him. He rolls his eyes and turns towards another pair. 

“Come on, how long are you going to pine after him? He likes you too, just go for it Baz!” He passes the ball back to me. 

“Please do _not_ talk about this here,” I growl. “No one else needs to know about this.”

“Oh please,” He says, bouncing the ball between his knees and then dropping it again. “No one is paying attention to us. Too many of the boys on this team are drooling over the cheerleaders in the distance.”

I look over and I see the girls practicing, and sure enough, there are plenty of boys drooling over them. 

“Regardless,” I say, quickly getting his pass and returning it to him. “I can’t do anything until he confirms whether he is straight or not.” 

“Well, maybe we need to create an operation.” He passes it to me, a bit clumsily, but I get it regardless. 

“An operation?” I kick the ball back, trying to make him run for it. 

“Yes. Operation figure out if Simon Snow is gay.” He smiles. I’m so distracted that I miss the ball when he passes it back my way. 

“How on earth do you plan to do that?” I sneer at him. This is ridiculous. Knowing Niall he is going to go too far with it. 

He shrugs, and I roll my eyes. 

“I can’t do this.” I turn around to go get the ball. Thankfully once I do, Coach blows his whistle for us all to huddle together. 

“I’m telling you Baz,” He whispers in my ear. “He isn’t straight, and I’ll prove it.” 

I shove him away from me and laugh as he tumbles a bit on the ground. 

I can’t help but think of the dinosaur for the title of the playlist he showed me not too long ago. The songs were all about love (or at least the ones I heard), and with Fiona as an aunt, I’ve definitely gotten the dinosaur joke for my first name. 

I shake my head briefly, trying to not think too much into it all. 

**____________**

I had to leave for a weekend to watch Mordelia perform her recorder for a school concert. While I love my little sister, she probably didn’t need me there for it. The recorder isn’t a functional instrument, in my opinion. She knows how to play the piano already at her age, isn’t that good enough?

I roll my eyes just thinking about it. 

“Hey Baz,” I hear as I pass Shepard’s room. 

“Hey, how are you?” I pause, lowering my bag a bit to the ground. 

“I’m alright.” He smiles. “Hey, have you heard from Simon?” His brow furrows and he looks concerned. 

“No, I haven’t. Why?” My blood pressure is already rising from the thought. Did something happen while I was gone?

“I haven’t either. I went to your room a couple of times to see if he wanted to eat, but he didn’t answer.” He shrugs. Snow and he are too alike; always shrugging and grunting. “I didn’t know if he was with you or maybe left town for the weekend as well.”

“He was supposed to still be here.” I frown, thinking. “I’ll go and check on him. Thanks for bringing it up.” I pick my bag back up and walk to the room. 

What could be wrong with him? Maybe he is sick? He didn’t really eat before I left for the weekend, and he has definitely been acting off. 

When I get in the room I see a bump in the bed, meaning Simon is here. He has music playing, at least softly, but it stops immediately once I enter the room. I expect to hear him give a greeting, maybe confirming the sick theory. When I don’t, I drop my bag and walk to his bed. 

“Earth to Snow,” I say softly, poking his blanket a bit. There is no response, so I lift the blanket up a bit. “Are you in here?”

I see his face briefly before he pulls the blanket back over his head. He doesn’t look sick, but he doesn’t look _well_ either. I look around the room and everything looks the same from when I left. It’s like he didn’t leave his bed all weekend. 

What could have caused this? 

“Are you okay?” _Did David do something?_

He doesn’t respond. I take a moment to think. David wasn’t supposed to be around this weekend, so it can’t have been him. He doesn’t look sick, so what is going on? His eyes looked red and he'd obviously shut down. Something bad must have happened. 

_Oh._

I climb into his bed with him (a really brave move on my part) and try my best to look into his eyes and figure out the words to say. 

I don’t know what someone could have said to me the first year after my mother passed to make it better. 

I think I just wanted someone there. I was young, scared, and missed my mom. 

So is Simon. He misses his mom, and he is shutting down. He was _all alone_. I can’t tell if I’m angrier at myself or his father for not recognizing this might happen. 

“It’s almost the time of year when it all happened isn’t it?” I ask quietly. I watch him carefully before he nods slightly and I pull him close. 

The tears occur almost immediately. I wish I could stop it all, the pain and suffering. It breaks my heart to watch him like this, and I hate knowing exactly how he feels. 

I’m lucky to have had a family around when it happened, and every year after. Simon Snow doesn’t have a functional father, siblings, a crazy aunt, or even an uncle. 

I don’t want him to go through this alone. 

When he does settle down I talk to him quietly, and it seems to help him calm down even more. 

I also find myself offering what I didn’t think I’d ever do (Simon Snow makes me weak.)

I’m going to do his dreadful fries and milkshake meal. 

**____________**

The trip outdoors seems to help perk up his mood. If there is one thing I’ve learned about Snow after all this time, it’s that sometimes he needs to be in the fresh air, and then he calms down a bit. 

It’s like his mood is attached to how much he sees the real world. Maybe he is like a plant, he needs the sun to photosynthesize and create food and energy for himself. Without it, he shrivels up into himself and loses his vibrant color (I swear just by being outside his skin already looks more alive.)

We are walking back to our room, and I’m starting to think about how I’ll ask him about his sexuality (is it a bad time to do that? 'Hey, Snow, I was wondering if maybe you also liked men? I know you just spent all weekend crying about your dead mother, but I just was curious. It's no big deal though.' Yeah... it's probably the wrong time.) when he pauses at Shepard’s room. 

I pause next to him and watch the scene unfold. Penelope Bunce walks out of his room, trying to act like we didn’t just catch the two of them heavily making out. 

“About time, really,” I say. “I thought they’d never get together.” I laugh a bit and walk down the hall to let Shepard have a bit of dignity. 

“You knew?” Snow asks when he catches up to me. 

“Of course I knew, it was impossible not to know.” Did he _not_? I unlock the door to let us both in “It’s a small school, everyone always knows who is into who.” 

_Hopefully, Snow doesn’t know about me, though._

“Shepard had talked to me about it a while back, but Penny never cracked. Maybe I just need to push her into admitting it. She does it to me, so I guess it’s time for me to do the same to her.” He ponders a bit. 

“I’d love to see that brawl.” I laugh and then I lean against my bed. Simon does the same at his bed, and I am thinking I’m going to ask him when he cuts me off. 

“Hey Baz,” Simon says “How did you know you were gay?”

I raise an eyebrow. _Is Simon Snow a mindreader?_ (If he is I am done for.)

“How did you know you were straight, Snow?” Maybe this is my opportunity. He created it for me (thank God.) 

“I never said I was straight.”

I tense up. _Is this confirmation or denial?_ Niall is going to be so upset that he didn’t get to do his plan. I think he had some girl involved to try and test him. It's for the best he didn't have to do it, there was no way that anyone in this situation would have left that interaction with even an _ounce_ of dignity left. 

Unless this was planted by Niall?

“Oh,” I say. I can’t think of anything else right now. Only the fact that my heart is beating through my chest, and hope he can’t hear. 

“Yeah, oh,” He says, looking down at his feet. 

“You said you had interests at one point,” He continues, “who are you into?”

“Not interests.” Maybe I’m about to reveal too much, but we are already here. Dev and Niall are chanting _just do it_ in my head. Fucking Shia LaBeouf will haunt me forever because of those two. “Interest. For a long while now I’ve only had one interest.”

I take a step closer. I don’t mean too, but it’s like my body is drawn closer to him on instinct. This has been a hard weekend for him, so we are both being more emotionally vulnerable than we usually would. His hair is a tangled mess, his eyes are wide but still a bit red from crying, and he has dark circles under his eyes. 

His lips though. I want to kiss them. 

“Who is your one interest?” He asks. I jump and look back up at his eyes. _Calm down, Baz_. 

“It’s a small school. You could probably guess Snow.” He has to know. I’ve made it so obvious. 

“Please tell me it’s not Dev.”

I can’t stop the laughter that pours out of me. 

“God no- never Dev. He’s my cousin. Niall at one point, but that was just experimental as we figured out who we were.”

“Ah.” He responds. 

He steps closer to me, and he looks like he is blushing a bit. I must be too. He is so close, I can practically feel the heat radiating off of him. Niall said that Simon _must_ like me. That only an idiot couldn’t tell. 

I never thought I’d be called an idiot, but I guess Simon Snow makes me one. Especially when he reaches out and grabs my hand. 

It’s so warm, and I can’t help but not let him go. 

_Figure it out, Snow._

“Baz,” He says, almost too quietly. Maybe I should just kiss him. At least then I would _know_ what it felt like. “I don’t think I can guess. As you’ve said- I’m pretty oblivious. Sometimes I need things spelled out for me.”

“Simon,” I reply quietly. “You are completely and utterly oblivious, but even you should have seen the signs.” _Figure it out._

“Well then,” He says, jutting his chin out a bit. I want to kiss it until it softens. You don’t have to go into battle to fight me, Snow, I’m here for the taking. “I hope I’ve read them right.” 

And he reaches forward, making my heart stutter, and kisses me _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading :) 
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of kissing Baz Pitch. SAT scores. And leaving for summer break.

I am kissing Baz Pitch.  _ I am kissing Baz Pitch _ . 

More importantly- Baz Pitch is kissing  _ me _ . 

His lips are soft and cool against mine, and he has one arm wrapped around my waist and one hand curled in my hair. His hair is as soft as I thought it would be, and my body lights up even more than I thought it could. He has to be able to hear how fast my heart is racing right now. I can’t help but wonder if maybe this is some kind of crazed dream.

I don’t ever want to wake up. 

“I think you read the signs right, Snow.” He says breathlessly when we finally part. 

I’m running my hands up and down his sides and open my eyes to look up at him, into his soft grey eyes. A smile slowly grows on his face after a moment. 

“I’ve had a pretty good lit tutor,” I reply “so I’ve gotten really good at reading.”

That makes him laugh and I can’t help but smile back; his happiness is contagious. 

“Can we go back to kissing?” I ask. 

He replies with a soft kiss, making me immediately close my eyes and lean into it. When I try to deepen the kiss, however, he pulls back. I’m not proud of the whine that escapes my lips. 

“You need to wash, Snow.” He says instead, and I frown in reply. I know he is right- but I worry leaving means everything happening between us will be lost in a memory.

I’m not ready to pop our bubble yet. 

“I’ll be right here, lips at the ready when you return.” He says, practically reading my mind. 

“Promise?” I know I sound like a child, but I don’t quite care right now. 

“Promise.” He kisses my forehead. 

I grab a towel and everything for the showers and give him a kiss and run to take the quickest shower of my life. 

When the warm water hits me I feel transcended- it’s amazing what a good shower can do. 

Baz and I kissed, he likes me, and I like him. I can’t stop smiling at that thought.

I run back to the room as soon as I’m done with my shower- Shepard tries to stop me and talk but I wave him off and say we can talk in the morning. 

_There are more important things at stake here._

“Hey there,” I say, closing the door behind me. Baz is lying down on his bed with a book in his hands. 

“Hey there,” He replies. He doesn’t look up, but a smile creeps upon his lips. 

“So, are your lips still waiting?” I raise an eyebrow (or I try- he has always been better at it than I am.) 

“Hmmm… I’m not quite sure.” He purses them experimentally. “I think they may be tired and out of service for the night.”

“That’s disappointing,” I reply, moving to be beside his bed. I lean forward and kiss his arm. “Luckily I can kiss things that aren’t your lips.”

Looking up to check and make sure that this is okay, I see him trying to hold back his smile. So I continue, jumping up on his bed and carefully marking the page in his book and putting it off to the side. 

I kiss his jawline, his neck, his collarbone, and everywhere I can get to that isn’t his lips. 

“Snow.” He says, practically moaning my name and making me feel a certain kind of way. “Kiss me dammit.”

“I am kissing you,” I say, smirking and kissing his jaw below his right ear. 

“On the lips.” He grabs my face and makes me look at him. 

“I thought they were tired?”

“Well they have found new energy, now for fucks sake Snow- kiss me.”

“Maybe you should-” I start, and then he cuts me off. Impatient- yet exactly what I wanted. 

And that is how we spend the rest of that night- kissing in Baz’s bed. Eventually we fall asleep, my head on his shoulder, his hand raking through my curls, and I find myself wishing the world could always be like this. 

____________

I have my dream of Baz again. It’s easy and lovely. We are both on a bridge, looking at a stream running underneath it. He has his right arm wrapped around my waist, and my left is around his.

This is the first time I see his wedding ring- it’s silver. It fits him, and matches the grey in his eyes perfectly.

Dream me reaches out and pulls his hand close, slowly taking the ring off of his finger.

“Don’t get any crazy ideas now, Simon.” He laughs. I wonder if I can get real-life Baz to call me Simon more often.

“Don’t be silly, I’m just looking.” When I look closer I see he has a moon engraved on the inside of his. I can’t help but smile. 

“We match.” I slip the ring back onto his finger. 

“That’s the idea, yes.” He kisses my forehead. “Now let’s keep walking. If we don’t finish this trail soon we won’t get you home in time for dinner.”

“What is on the menu?” I ask as we walk the rest of the way across the bridge.

“That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.” He replies. “Now get a move on, we can’t have the same speed as molasses.” and he jogs ahead, winking at me as he goes ahead of me.

I run after him, letting the dream fade into black. 

**____________**

I wake the next morning to a bit of light shining through the window and a body underneath me. I smile and cuddle closer, and I hear Baz take a deep breath and stretch before wrapping his arms back around me. 

“Good morning,” I say, kissing his chest through his shirt. 

“Good morning.” He kisses the top of my head before reaching out to grab his phone. “We are going to have to get up soon. We’ve got class.” 

“We can skip.”

“Not the week before finals we can’t.” I look up to Baz frowning above me. 

“Spoilsport,” I mutter before sitting up. 

We get ready quietly and before we step out the door I grab his wrist. 

“We should probably talk... You know- about last night?” 

“Okay.” He stiffens. I wonder what he is afraid of me saying.

“Look, I just-” Come on Simon, be smooth. “I’m not good at this.”

“We can pretend it never happened if you’d like.” He responds. 

He is looking anywhere but me- and I’m obviously not doing a good job of asking what I want to ask. How can I ask him to be my boyfriend, but not make him feel awkward and under pressure? Maybe he doesn't want that?

“I just mean that I’m a terrible boyfriend. Back home I had a girlfriend, and it always seemed like I did everything wrong” I take a deep breath. 

"That's okay." Baz is chewing on his bottom lip. 

"You deserve a lot better," I start, he rolls his eyes and opens his mouth to give a retort- but I stop him with a look. "and I’d like to try. If you’d like."

“Try what, Simon?” He asks, voice monotone and actions reserved. I'm bracing myself for the rejection, but I can't help but hope. 

“Being your terrible boyfriend. If you’ll let me.” I reach out for his hands, hoping that he says yes. 

“I’d like that.” He looks into my eyes and smiles at that, finally relaxing a little. 

I kiss him softly because I can't help it. Not kissing him at this point seems ridiculous. I can't believe it took us so long. 

“Great. Now let’s go eat breakfast- boyfriend.” I smile while saying it. Baz is my boyfriend. Nothing can bring me down now. 

“Okay, boyfriend.” He keeps one of my hands entwined in his and we leave the dorm. 

____________

Breakfast feels so much different than usual. I sit on the same side of the booth as Baz and we keep bumping into each other as we eat. It’s like even our bodies refuse to stop touching each other. 

We must look disgusting to everyone else. 

“Hey, Simon,” Shepard says, slipping into the opposite side of the booth. He looks between us briefly and smiles. “So did you two finally get together?”

"Yes," Baz responds. I can't help but look at him and smile. It's not even been twelve hours, yet here I am, a lovestruck fool. 

"It's about time." He responds before grabbing his fork to eat his omelet. 

“Speaking of people getting together. What about Penny-” I start, but then she shows up and sits down next to Shepard. 

“What about me?” She starts eating her cereal and raises both eyebrows. 

“Care to explain what I walked into yesterday.” I gesture to both of them with my fork before digging into some scrambled eggs. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” She looks at Shepard and then goes back to her bowl. 

“Oh cut the crap. I know something happened, so spill the beans.” Her cheeks go red and she tries to cover it up by inspecting her fingernails. Shepard continues eating his food, giving a glance at Penny as she avoids the topic. He must be letting her decide who knows. Smart move really. 

“Penny- come on. No secrets- remember?” I smirk, using her own line against her. 

“I hate you.” She rolls her eyes and puts her spoon in her now finished bowl of cereal. “Fine, Shepard and I are seeing each other. Are you happy?” Shepard smiles around his mouth full of food, and Baz chuckles a bit. 

“Actually yes,” I say smugly “Yes I am. I think you two are really good for each other.”

She smiles and goes for her orange juice. Shepard is watching her and the look on his face could blind everyone else.

“Glad that’s all sorted now,” Baz says, standing up with his plate. “We should all probably start heading to class.”

I look at my watch and sure enough, it’s time to go. We all scramble and run out with the crowd of other students who are running behind. 

**____________**

Surviving finals is a struggle, but getting our SAT scores is a much bigger deal. Baz and I both want to go to schools on the East Coast, he wants Harvard (typical- he screams Ivy League school), but I am leaning towards MIT. They’re both a little too close to David, but I’m applying elsewhere to get a variety in case I don’t get in. 

MIT doesn’t list a specific score requirement (thought at least 1500 is advised), but I’d like a higher score to raise my chances of admittance. And I have to take a math and science SAT subject test on top of it. 

I’m ready for the challenge though. First was the SAT and then this summer I will be taking math level 1 and the chemistry SAT subject test. 

“What did you get?” Baz asks over his own laptop. He looks like he is vibrating- he is as nervous as I am. 

“I’m still waiting.” I groan back. “Have you seen yours?”

“It’s just loaded. But I want to know yours too.” 

“Baz you should just say it- you could be waiting forever.”

“1550.” He beams. 

“Holy fuck- what?” I shout and jump up, no concern for my computer. “That’s fucking amazing Baz.” I kiss him hard and then he pushes me off. 

“Yes, great, now find out your score so we can celebrate together okay?”

“Fine fine.” I rush back to my computer to look. 

There it is, on my screen, my score. 

“Well,” Baz says, obviously impatient. “What did you get?”

“1500,” I say looking up to meet his eyes. I would have loved higher, but it's high enough (and frankly it's a miracle that my English score didn't drop me more.)

“You’re fucking brilliant.” He jumps down from his bed and grabs my face this time and kisses me, grabbing the computer and moving it to the bed. “Looks like we are both going to college, huh?” 

“Sounds like it.” I smile and give him another kiss. “Though I’ve still got a couple of other tests I need to take.”

“Shut up Snow,” He says, and I do. 

**____________**

When the day my mother’s death anniversary rolls around Baz holds me in his arms all day. We play movies, he orders in food, and I reminisce on all the wonderful things about my mom that I miss. 

She really was an amazing person. 

“Has he reached out at all?” Baz asks, grabbing a handful of chips. 

He is talking about David. You’d think that he would be as inconsolable as I am, or at least would check in on his son. 

“Nope,” I say, playing with Baz’s other hand in my own. “I wonder if he even knows it was today.”

Baz lets out a sigh. He’s made his thoughts clear when it comes to David- and I can’t help but agree with him. It’s unfortunate we can’t pick our parents, if I could I would run far away from David. 

“I still think you should come to the Hamptons with me and my family this summer,” Baz says, changing the topic. 

“I’ll try my best but it’s all up to David. I need to make sure to ask him when he is in a good enough mood to say yes.”

I’m going to miss Baz this summer. He’s become my rock through everything, and it’s going to be hard to not have him around every day. We will text and call, I’m sure, but it won’t be the same. It’ll never be the same. 

If the Hamptons visit works out then I’ll be happy. I’ve already started plotting what I could do to get David to say yes. If it works out then break would certainly go by easier, as there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. 

“Okay,” Baz reaches over and gives me a kiss. His lips taste like the salt and vinegar chips he is eating, and I can’t help but grimace at the bitterness of it, but I lean in anyway. 

Things would be so much easier if this could be my summer. But instead it’s my last day of school, the death anniversary of my mother, and tomorrow I go off to spend two months with a father whose temper is unpredictable, and I’m the only one around to take the heat of it. 

“There’s one more thing that we need to discuss before you go.” He states. 

“Oh no, that can’t be good.” My anxiety spikes. 

“I know the dinosaur playlist is for me.” He smirks. 

“Oh, shit- yeah. I guess I can own up to that now.” I laugh. “How long have you known?”

“Well, I hoped from the beginning that it was always about me. But as I realized you  _ actually _ liked me back- I wondered if I was right about it. Glad to know I was.” He is smiling. “You’re not the first one to make a dinosaur joke about my name.” He winks. 

“Why do you bring it up?” 

“I made you one too if you want to listen. I thought it was only fair. This way when you miss me over the summer you can listen to it and know I am thinking of you.” He kisses my forehead. “Though I’ve played some of it for you without you knowing. Like the night when you kissed me, I played a few songs in the car.”

“Really?” I feel like an idiot. Maybe if I had known I could have figured all of this out sooner. 

I hear a ping on my phone and realized he has sent me a link. I open it and scroll through. 

“It’s chemistry?” I ask “That’s your title? Why?”

“I thought it was fitting.” He shrugs. Baz definitely has picked it up from me, even after spending time yelling at me for shrugging. “Since we didn’t start being nice to each other until our incident in chemistry. Then there is also the fact that we have chemistry in our relationship.” He smirks. 

“Oh my God Baz, you are a complete sap.” 

“Only for you.”

I press play and continue to kiss Baz as the songs play in the background. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I also have a few playlists if you'd like to check them out. 
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=50INBZgyTO6lM_P_Bhtc3w)
> 
> [Simon's Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=Rehpq1pcSbiX9d5xt6lGOw)
> 
> [Baz's Simon Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=GAQUaTtqTN6QLHHe_Sd1zQ)
> 
> (Yikes so many playlists... can you tell what I worked on when I wasn't in a mood to write??)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texts, Jonas Brothers, the Hamptons, and Davy. 
> 
> It's a combo you wouldn't expect, and events that Simon didn't see coming. 
> 
> Summer 2020 pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter this time- hopefully that's okay!
> 
> Thanks for reading :).

In the back room at the hardware store, I take a deep breath and look around at the chaos. There are boxes all over the place, some opened and some not, and random screws, nails, and miscellaneous tools strewn across the ground. Pulling out my phone I open up Baz’s playlist to listen to a song. 

“What a Man Gotta Do” plays and I can’t help but laugh. Mordelia added it to his playlist a week back, and we currently have a bet to see how long it’ll take him to realize she snuck a Jonas Brothers song onto it.

That has been a new development, the talking to his family part. Mordelia took my number from his phone a while back, and while I was afraid at first that I’d mess something up, I quickly learned that his younger sister would be a strong ally in my war on getting silly stories and cute baby pictures of Baz (which he desperately tries to hide.)

We’ve also got Fiona in on it. Baz _hates_ it, or at least he says, but there are times when he will continue a story, or explain a photo, and there is nothing but fondness in his voice. 

I pick up my phone again to text Baz that I miss him before I get started on organizing the back room. 

Technically I wasn’t supposed to work today, but my boss (Brian) asked if I could help out for a few hours. Turns out even hardware stores need some order to them. I also think someone got sent home for accidentally stepping on a nail, so that could also be part of why I am doing this. 

I’m always willing to get out of the house, so I didn’t mind coming in. I also don’t mind getting a few extra bucks, as I am trying to save up money. If I want David to say yes to the Hamptons with Baz, I know I will need to pay for everything on my own. 

Baz has assured me that his family will be covering the cost of me, but I don’t want them to feel like they _have_ to take care of me. 

“Hey Simon, how’s it going back there?” Brian asks me. 

“It’s good, just getting through.” I wave a box cutter to the boxes around me. 

“I got you a coffee on my way in, thought you might need it. Thanks again for coming in, I appreciate it.” He smiles and places the coffee on a nearby table. “Feel free to clock out when you’re finished or whenever you need to head to your other job.” He gives me a wave and heads back out the doors into the store. 

“Thanks,” I shout back, reaching for the cup and checking my phone while doing so. I’ve got four messages from Baz. 

Baz ❤️🦖

Tuesday, June 1st, 2020 9:53 am

I miss you too. 

Have you talked to David?

Mordelia wants to 

officially meet you.

She’s being an absolute

nightmare about it.

I let him know that I haven’t talked to him yet, but I’ve got a plan in motion. I’m working on a project with the shelter to fundraise money for new furniture, which should make David happy. Then I’m going to make steak and honey roasted potatoes tonight. 

I’m trying to butter him up, I won’t deny it. I only hope he says yes. 

____________

Everything goes according to plan after I get home. I managed to get all the ingredients from the store and picked up some french silk pie. David is happily eating his steak and I am sitting across from him, leg shaking out of anxiety. So I take a breath and shoot my shot. 

_No better time than now._

“Hey, so I was actually wondering something,” I ask cautiously. 

“What would that be?” He says between bites. 

“Baz and his family offered to have me join them in the Hamptons for a bit. Now that Baz and I actually get along I thought it would be nice, and then I could see a little bit more of New York too.” 

“For how long?” His brows furrow, and I immediately feel anxiety. 

“Like a week and a half. We won’t have to pay for anything, and I’ve got some money saved up to use, so you won’t have to worry about the cost.” I add. “It’s not over the fourth of July so I won’t be gone for any holidays.”

He ponders for a bit, and I try to act as if my heart isn’t beating a mile a minute. 

“I’m going to be gone for part of that anyway I guess.” He says, “It’d be nice to know someone is keeping an eye out for you.” He purses his lips as he continues to think, putting his fork and knife down. “Have you already talked to the shelter and your work about taking time off?”

“Yes, they both said they will miss me but that I should go have some fun during break.”

He nods slightly in acknowledgment. 

“If you want to think about it I understand- I just want to give Baz an answer.” I backtrack. 

“No that’s okay,” He says, picking his silverware up again. “You can go. You need to keep your phone on you at all times though, okay?”

“Yes for sure.” I feel excitement flowing through me, and have to force myself to not run up the stairs to tell Baz. 

All bets are off, however, when I finish cleaning up from dinner. I run up the stairs and call Baz to figure out a packing list, figure how I’m meeting up with the family, and to hear his voice. 

I’m selfish when it comes to him- sue me. 

____________

When I’m finally with them, I learn quite a lot about Baz’s family. They’re something completely different than what I thought I’d ever experience.

Daphne, Baz’s stepmother, is an absolute gem and is constantly fretting around me. She has the level of kindness and love I remember getting from my mother. Malcolm, Baz’s father, is calm and collected. He is a little distant but I can see his love for his children in the smiles he has while watching them. I can’t help but feel a little nervous around him at first, but it slowly eases over time. 

It could just be a natural response to fathers. Maybe I’m not good with dads (am I even good with my own?)

“Hey Simon,” Baz says, walking into my doorway. He’s wearing sandals, swim trunks (of course he looks criminal in fucking _swim trunks_ ), and a shirt. It’s absolutely casual and delicious, and my heart does a weird flip as he steps closer. 

Staying with his family has meant one thing, fewer kisses. Baz has told his family about us, so they have us staying in separate rooms. They’re being kind in not telling David about it (I’m not sure how to cross that bridge with him yet), so we don’t want to push it more than we already are. We have snuck to see each other and make out sometimes, but after Mordelia almost caught us Baz was so mortified that he hasn’t risked it since. 

“Ready to go to the beach?” I grab a shirt to put on, already in swim trunks. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” He smiles and walks forward to kiss me softly.

I relish in it and can’t help but think this is how summers should be. Kissing Baz, comfortably hanging out by the beach, and being surrounded by people who care. 

____________

We stop by the store on the way to the beach to get snacks. Daphne gave us a list for the kids (and for the adults) and told us to pick up anything else we may want. 

“Should we get chips too?” Baz asks as I lean over the cart, looking at the snacks we already have. 

“Oh for sure.” I look up and see him looking at salt and vinegar chips. “Just also get a bag that the rest of us will eat.”

“Salt and vinegar chips are good.” He frowns. 

“Yeah, to you maybe. But to the rest of the world prefers regular potato chips. Or Doritos. Those are pretty good.”

He rolls his eyes but grabs a bag anyway. I smile and kiss his cheek when he gets close. He gives me a grimace, but I can tell by the way his lip turns up at the corners that he secretly likes it. 

“Have you gotten any more Davy checks?” He asks as we continue down the aisle.

Baz has started calling David Davy recently. I think he thinks it’s funny to call him that, and frankly I don’t mind. Anything that takes away his relationship with me is okay in my book. 

I pull out my phone to see if he’s texted. 

“No texts, but he checked in this morning. He had me turn on my location sharing so I’m sure he is watching.” I shrug before I put my phone in my pocket. 

“You’re a good kid. I don’t know what he thinks you'd do. What is he afraid of? You might volunteer at a _different_ youth shelter?” 

I shrug in response as we get into the checkout line.

Baz humphs (he hates when I shrug) but lets the topic die out as we check out and load the car before heading to the beach. 

I roll down the windows and let the warm air hit. Winter is a season I love, but days like these make me feel more partial to spring and summer. Especially when Baz is next to me, hair flowing in the wind, ray bans on, and a relaxed smile on his face from whatever stupid joke I made. 

Not a care in the world. 

I could live in this moment forever. 

Baz and I haven’t dated for very long, but it feels so different from what I had with Agatha back home. He and I don’t only go through the motions, I feel like everything we do together is natural. We exist separately but still together. 

I feel I might really be falling in love with him. 

_How do I tell him that without scaring him off?_

“Take a picture- it’ll last longer Snow.” He jokes when he catches me staring for too long. 

I jump, but I quickly recover by pulling out my phone and taking a picture. 

“You’re beautiful. I can’t help myself.” I smirk and turn up the radio as he laughs. A George Harrison song is playing, and it’s the perfect lazy song for a perfectly lazy day. 

I look to Baz again, and I can’t help it. I love him so much. How did I ever think we were enemies? I kiss his cheek and he smiles again, and I know at this moment I’d do anything to keep that smile on his face. 

When we get to the beach I can already spot the younger ones running around, Daphne is waving at us, and Baz and I are carrying a cooler filled with assorted fruit and drinks while Malcolm grabs the bag with chips and cookies. Getting to where everyone is situated means I drop the cooler, give Baz a challenging look, and immediately run into the ocean. 

He runs after me and I can’t help but curse his soccer practices as he gets ahead of me and pulls me headfirst into the wave currently flowing in. 

I haven’t ever been to the ocean before, so the saltiness of the water catches me off guard (is the ocean why Baz loves his salt and vinegar chips so much?) The midwest has beaches, usually attached to dirty lakes, but I can see why so many are drawn to the ocean. Despite the saltiness, there is something magical about it all. The sand is softer than I’d have expected it to be, the water is cool on my warm skin, and the waves rolling in create a relaxing ambiance around us. 

Something about it only makes my heart swell more. Baz’s hair is soaked wet, and we are currently in a competition to find the most sand dollars to see who gets the softer towel when we return to the beach. 

It ends up being pointless, however, as when we make our way back to the beach and lie down, we end up sharing the towel (it is pretty large- but I use it as an excuse to be closer to him anyway.) Baz makes me put on more sunscreen so I don’t burn. I don’t fight him though. Any reason to get him to touch me is good for me. 

“Do you guys come here every year?” I ask sleepily. Malcolm is snoring from his chair nearby. The kids are giggling about it as they eat chunks of watermelon and Daphne braids Modelia’s hair to keep it out of her face. 

“Yeah,” He sounds as sleepy as I do. Baz almost never says yeah, it’s always yes. “It’s a good tradition. We didn’t for a couple of years after my mother died, but she and father bought the house we are staying in. I think he didn’t want to be reminded of her more than he already was at first. Daphne was the one to convince him to start using it again- and I’m glad she did. There are bits of her everywhere here and it makes me feel close to her again.”

I reach out a hand and squeeze his as he talks. He tells the story of the first time coming here, the tears, talks, and celebrating his mother. Baz was only eight at the time but said it helped shape how they honored his mom in years to come. 

“I’m glad I get to share it with you.” He says, looking at me with eyes that make my heart melt. 

“Me too,” I reach out and kiss his temple and curl into him.

“Are you gonna fall asleep on me now?” He runs his fingers through my curls, making sleep more inevitable for me. 

“Shhh,” I say lazily instead. “Pillows don’t talk.” He laughs and pulls me closer and that’s how I fall asleep. Baz humming along to something playing on the Bluetooth speaker nearby, and the ocean waves in the background. 

If only I was woken up in the same calm manner. 

“Excuse you- what do you think you are doing?” I hear suddenly and I jump. I’m a little dazed and confused, and look down to see Baz, who has a similar expression on his face. 

“I’m here for my son, thank you.” _What the fuck is happening._ Baz curls closer to me, holding me tight, both of us still entirely too sleepy to comprehend what is happening. 

Then I realize I recognize that voice. 

“Dad?” I say, suddenly wide awake and standing up. Baz’s arms drop and I can see the fear in his eyes as he registers what’s happening. He reaches a hand out to mine and gives me a look that clearly says _don’t go_ , but I can’t let someone else deal with him. It’s not their responsibility. 

“Sorry,” I whisper, squeezing his hand before I rush up the beach. I hear him move behind me, but I’m not sure if he is watching from afar or running after me. 

“Simon, pack your things. You are coming back home. Now” He looks cross, but what have I done now?

“What’s happened?” I look between him and Malcolm, who is taking a protective stance. What happened between them while I was asleep?

“Did you think to check your phone?” He raises his eyebrows and looks at me like I am an idiot. 

“Uh,” I say and search for my pockets, it must be back in the sand. Baz is next to me (I guess he chose to follow) and hands me my phone. “I fell asleep, I'm sorry.

That makes him sigh and purse his lips. 

“Simon we had a deal. You knew you had to respond- I was worried when you didn’t.”

“You could have checked my location though- you’d have seen that I was safe.” I’m confused, I thought I had done all I needed to. 

“How do I know you didn’t get separated from it? You could have been anywhere.”

“I don’t like the insinuation that we’d let Simon get kidnapped.” Malcolm replies. “You have my number- you could have called me.”

“This isn’t a conversation between me and you, Grimm.” He glares at Malcolm before turning back to me. “We can talk more in the car Simon, get your things.”

I look at Baz and see the anger on his face before going to grab my shoes. Tears threaten to start going down my cheeks, but I try my hardest to keep them contained. The kids are all looking confused at the situation, and when I pass Mordelia she asks if I’m going to come back. 

“I don’t think so Mordi,” I reply, “I’m sorry. Keep an eye out for Baz for me?” 

She frowns, nods, and then goes back to her sandcastle. It’s more of a goodbye than I expected, knowing her. But I wish I didn’t have to say goodbye at all. 

Daphne gives me a hug and I thank her profusely, apologizing for the manner in which I am leaving. She, of course, tells me I don’t need to apologize, and to not be a stranger. 

“Thanks so much for letting me join in. I’m so sorry for any trouble I’m causing.” I say to Malcolm when I get back up to the group. 

“Oh Simon,” He reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You are welcome any time. You’ve done nothing to apologize for.” 

“Baz,” I start. There’s so much I want to say but can’t. “I’ll call you, okay?” Hoping he understands there will be more to be said later. He nods and glares at David, his hand twitches a bit. I’m not sure if it’s because he wants to grab me, or punch David. 

I give him an apologetic glance and follow David to his jeep, my heart sinking the further I get from Baz and his family. 

I leave with David and get yelled at for the remainder of our journey. He tells me that I’ll need to pay for the gas he needed to use to come all the way down here. I become numb at some point and let him get it out. At this point, if I try to argue everything is going to be worse. 

I had only fallen asleep, I had done everything right and still, he went off on me. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him. It’ll never be easy, it’ll never feel safe, and I’ll never feel like I can do something without him coming after me. 

We stay at a hotel because the drive is going to be too long, which he repeats is my fault since he had to go out of his way to do this. 

That’s when I realize- the drive _is_ really long. If he had reached out to me six hours ago, I would have seen his messages. When I look down at my phone I see he hadn’t reached out. He didn’t even call one time. Anger flares back up. 

“Wait- you never even called me?” I say when we get to our room. 

“What do you mean- of course I did.” The look he gives me has ‘you’re being stupid’ written all over it. 

“My phone has no notifications.” I show him my call history to prove the point. 

“It must have fucked up then.” He shrugs, moving to the bed. 

“So it really wasn’t my fault I didn’t answer.” I know he didn’t reach out to me. He decided I was done with my trip and made a scene. He couldn’t let me live and have fun. That was the problem- I am not allowed to have fun. 

“You should have known.”

“How could I have?” I shout. I know it’s a mistake the second I do it but I can’t help it. I’m so angry it’s pouring off me in waves. If anyone else walked in I’m sure they’d be able to see it sparking off my skin. 

“You knew you needed to give me updates.” He steps forward pointing his index finger at me. “Now go to sleep Simon. We can drive more in the morning.”

“I did give you updates! We talked on the phone this morning, I texted you, you can track my phone. Literally what else could I have done?” I feel tears start to prickle the corners of my eyes. I usually don’t let myself get this close to the edge, but I can’t handle this. 

The next part happens in slow motion. David turns around, and I think he is going to yell back, but instead he raises his fist. This time there are no stairs for me to fall down, nor am I quick enough to dodge it. His fist collides with my face, and I fall to the ground. 

“Don’t talk to me like that. I was worried about you and am trying to keep you safe. Your mother would have been worried too.” He says through clenched teeth. 

I sit up and taste blood in my mouth. My face stings and I feel a bit dizzy. 

“Don’t bring her up. Not now. Not when you ignore so much about her.” I whisper, not being able to help myself. 

“Go the fuck to sleep Simon. And give me your phone. You’re grounded. I cannot excuse this behavior.” 

I don’t move, but he reaches down and grabs my phone and smashes it against the wall. It feels too far of a move, but everything David does is too far, too much, and too dramatic. He probably wanted to make sure I wouldn’t get it back without him giving it to me. 

That’s when I realize I haven’t called Baz yet. He’s going to be so worried. I hope he is okay, and I hope he isn’t mad at me. 

David moves to go to his bed and mutters ‘goodnight’ as he does so, and I start crying. I want to run. I want to find Baz and never come back here. But fear prickles through me at what might happen if I do. _What would he do to Baz?_

Maybe this is all my fault. I doubt Baz even wants to hear from me- he is probably just as angry at me as David is. 

I cry silently on the floor of a hotel room in God-knows-where New York. 

I wish I was still on the beach with Baz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this! It's starting to get into it (sorry), but I promise there will be some more fluff moving forward as well. 
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> Here are some playlists I made if you're into it :)
> 
> [If Not For You](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=YXdX2zXiSZiRXsrU9hDiYA)
> 
> [ Simon's Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=9Rr4uRJOQcW_25y8h3SvHQ)
> 
> [Baz's Simon Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=eMJcT6DNTUewAWO1t3mlDg)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going home, lockdown rules, and a strange visitor at the hardware store. 
> 
> Summer 2020 pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a part where Simon and Baz are texting through the same device.
> 
> Bold= Simon  
> Italics= Baz

The car ride the next day is eerily silent. David checked us out of the hotel, grabbed our things, and I silently followed him. 

Luckily I have a hoodie packed, so I threw that on and raised the hood, in the hopes that no one would notice the bruise forming on my face. I woke up with a pounding headache, puffy eyes, and a swollen bruise on my face. 

Looking in the mirror was an interesting experience for sure. 

After we finally get home, David doesn’t talk to me. He does his routine and I do mine. But there is a tension in the air that says _it’s going to get worse_. For a father who regularly bragged about not hitting his child, I wonder what he will find to brag about now? 

I feel a weird mix of anger, but also guilt. It’s as if I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me it’s all my fault. If I had just known better, done better, _was_ better, this wouldn’t have happened. 

If my mom was here, what would she be doing? Would she be holding me? Or would she be giving me the same look of disappointment that David does every time I enter the room? 

I also can’t help but be worried about Baz. I haven’t received a new phone, and David took away my computer. I almost asked to borrow someone else’s phone, but I was worried they’d tell David. If he found out I was sneaking around… I don’t even want to think of it. 

When I do get to leave the house, it’s only to work at the hardware store. He won’t even let me at the shelter anymore (I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want others to suspect? Or if he just wants to control me more.) He has become good friends with my boss, and they are constantly talking to each other. 

It’s successfully scared me into not wanting to try anything at work. 

Which is, of course, put to the test when I see a customer dressed too nice for this area walk into the store. 

I’m stocking snacks on the shelves by the register when I see him. _Baz._ He takes a look at me and I see him visibly sigh in relief and start walking towards me. 

“Hello,” He starts, but I give him a frantic look that says _hold off_. He pauses, frowning at me and looking around. 

“I’ll help you look for it. It should be down aisle seven,” I say, a little too loudly in case Brian is nearby. 

Luckily Baz plays along and follows me down to the aisle, and back behind it in the corner.

“Simon-what’s going-” Baz starts to ask.

“Shh,” I whisper. He immediately closes his mouth in response. 

“I’m sorry,” I relax a bit, seeing no one is near. “My boss and David are really close, and I’m sure they’d talk about you being here. I don’t want anything to happen.”

“Oh,” Baz looks worried immediately and reaches a hand out to my face, where the bruise is already starting to fade. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I reach up to his hand to hold. “I’m okay. It’s been relatively calm since I got back at least, he’s just got me on lockdown.”

“I can get you out of here,” Baz whispers. “My family would understand.”

“What did you say to them to get up here? You don’t live anywhere near here.”

“I was worried when I hadn’t heard from you, and so were they. I think Davy said something in front of my father, making him worried. They agreed to me venturing up here to check on you.” 

“Did they say what happened?” I ask, worried about what they might think. 

“No, they wouldn’t budge. But they seemed concerned when I told them I hadn’t heard from you.” 

“Hey, Simon!” I hear from the front. I immediately tense up and grab the nearest thing (a wrench) and shove it at Baz. 

“Coming Brian!” I call back. “I was just helping a customer find what he needed.” I start walking back to the counter. 

“When do you get off?” Baz whispers. 

“In fifteen,” I whisper back. He nods and then walks up to the counter and buys the wrench. 

I can’t help but laugh at the thought of Baz going back home with a random wrench. 

“What’s up?” I ask Brian when Baz walks out. 

“I just wanted to let you know you can go ahead and head out.” He shrugs. “It’s been a slow day and I can close up. You’re on summer break anyway, you should go have some fun.” 

“Oh,” I reply. Fun? That doesn’t seem to be a part of this summer anymore. “Thanks!” I smile and make my way to clock out. 

“Of course,” He replies back, moving to leave the register. “And Simon,” He starts, pausing for a moment. 

“Yes?” This is weird for us. Brian and I aren’t close, so he and I don’t talk much more than about work. 

“I just wanted to say that you’re a good kid.” He gives me a soft smile, and I feel really weird for a moment. “And if you ever need any help or someone to talk to, let me know.” And he walks away. 

“Thanks,” I mutter, feeling incredibly weird about our interaction. 

When I get out to the parking lot I look around to see if Baz is there. It only takes me a moment, as he sticks out like a sore thumb. He’s only wearing black jeans, converse, and his jersey from Watford, but somehow Baz makes it seem like couture. It contrasts directly to the cracked and faded blacktop of the parking lot, and I can’t help but run straight for him and into his arms. 

“Hey,” I say breathlessly. “Funny meeting you here.” I wink- trying to lighten the mood. He smiles and reaches down, pausing for a moment. 

“Is it okay if I kiss you here?” He whispers.

I look around quickly, seeing no one near us. 

“I’m sure we are okay.” I lean up and close the gap, kissing him softly. 

I didn’t realize how much I missed it (I mean I knew I missed _him_ and _kissing_ , but having it right now just makes me realize exactly how much.)

“Thanks for coming,” I say when we part. “I was scared that you’d be mad.”

“Why would I be mad?” He frowns and opens up the door so I can get into the car. 

“For messing up the trip. I screwed up and it wasn’t fair to all of you. I need to apologize to Daphne and Malcolm too. And oh my God the kids too. I’ve ruined everything.” I’m starting to spiral by the time I sit down and click my seatbelt in. This is why David says I’m a fuck-up. I can’t even get through a proper apology without stammering. 

“Hey,” Baz says softly after taking his seat. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He twists to look at me and grabs my hands. “It’s important to me you know you did nothing wrong. It’s quite obvious that Davy wouldn’t have let you stay with us anyway. I had checked your phone even while you were asleep. He hadn’t reached out to you.”

“He said I must have messed up my phone somehow,” I mutter. “That I tampered with it to make it so his texts wouldn’t come through- or I deleted what he sent so it would look like he was the bad guy when I was just an irresponsible kid.” The lectures I’ve received are all coming to the front of my brain. 

“That’s a load of bullshit and he knows it.” Baz spits out. I flinch a bit out of instinct, and he reaches out, cupping my face in his hand. “Simon you haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t listen to his shit- he is trying to pass the blame onto someone else when everything was his fault.”

I nod and lean into his touch. If I start talking again I’ll start crying, and I’ve already cried twice in Baz’s arms, I can’t let it happen again. 

“Wait-” I look up and realize something. “You live hours away, right? Are you driving back tonight?”

“No,” He replies. “I’m at a hotel down the road. It’s not the nicest but I was worried, especially about what he might do with you alone. Judging by your eye I wasn’t completely off base.” He then turns to start the car, and that’s when I realize it’s already past 6. Time is already running by too fast. If I’m not home by 6:30 David will freak out. 

“It’s fine. I’m okay.” I stammer, anxiety spiking. I’m not sure how I’m going to get home and not let David see Baz. 

“Simon you’re obviously not fine.” He turns out of the parking lot and glances at me as he does so. “You need to get out of this situation. Luckily there are only a couple weeks left of break, but I’m worried. So is Bunce.”  
  
“Oh no please tell me you didn’t tell Penny what happened.”

“Only part, she was worried since she hadn’t heard from you. I told her I was going to come up and check on you. If you want you can shoot her a text.”

“Really?”

“Yes, my phone is in my pocket,” He reaches into his pocket and hands me his phone. I unlock it and open up their texts before shooting her one saying that I am okay- only grounded, and as soon as I get my phone back I will let her know. I also open up a message to let Shepard know, just in case. He is probably letting Penny do the panicking for the both of them. 

“Thanks, Baz,” I put his phone into his cup holder and sit back, twisting to face him as he drives along. “I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you.”

“You insulted me, managed to infuriate me, but most of all made me fall for you even despite the way you eat food.” He chuckles and kisses the top of my head. “Now, would you like to come back to my hotel with me?”

My heart skips a beat. I can’t help but want to say yes and run away with Baz (it’d be like a fairy tale almost.) But I know it won’t be a good decision, not yet. 

“No,” I sigh, dropping down in my seat. “I should go home.” He nods slightly, and I can tell he wanted a different response. 

“If you’re positive,” he replies, a tense tone to his voice. “You’ll have to tell me where to go.”

“Oh shit yeah-” I shake my head, trying not to let myself panic about disappointing Baz. “Turn left down this road and after a block you can pull over and I can walk the rest of the way.” 

“Okay,” And he does, holding my hand the entire ride there. 

When we arrive at a spot a couple of blocks down from my house, he stops and pulls me close. 

“I’m going to leave you my phone, okay?”

“What- no. You need your phone.”

“I’ll get it back- but I would feel safer knowing that you had _something_. I can do a trade-off tomorrow. Do you work again tomorrow?” 

“Yes; at 9:30.” What is he doing?

“Okay. I’ll meet you at 9:00?” He kisses my forehead and then looks into my eyes again. 

“I can manage that.”

“Good.” He brushes some of my curls back. “Be safe. Feel free to text my number- I have my laptop I can text from back at the hotel.”

“Okay, it may be a while though. I don’t want David to see.”

“That’s okay.”

I kiss him again and then dart out of the car before running down the street to make it inside in time. Baz’s phone is slipped into my jeans, right in between the hem and my underwear to make sure David can’t see. My shirt is long and baggy enough that he can’t see the outline at least. 

I try my best to get to bed as quickly as possible, feigning being tired. I cooked, cleaned, and then excused myself for bed. Luckily he was into some project so he let it happen without being suspicious. So then I open up Baz’s phone and see Penny’s replies. 

Bunce

Monday, July 13th, 2020 6:36 pm

Simon, are you okay??

Baz is he still there?

I’m really worried about him.

Please reply as soon as you can. 

Monday, July 13th, 2020 9:04 pm

Hey Pen, it’s me.

Simon that is. 

Not Baz.

Baz gave me his phone so I 

could contact people.

I’m sorry to make you panic. Just 

got grounded and don’t have

my phone right now.

Oh, thank God.

I was so worried about you. 

Are you going to be okay? What

did you do to get grounded?

Just stupid stuff. I can catch you up

more when we get back to school. But

just know that I am okay- okay?

Okay, Si.

Love you.

I love you too Pen. 

I then open up Baz’s messages to himself, typing a message to his own number feels odd, but I'm so desperate to talk to him that it doesn't matter.

**Hey Baz, everything okay?**

_I could ask the same of you._

He replies almost immediately. I wonder how long he waited to hear from me?

**Yeah things are okay.**

**David didn’t notice.**

_Good._

_Do you think you can talk?_

**I want to- but he is still awake.**

**He might hear and I don’t want**

**your phone to get smashed too.**

_Okay. I understand._

We continue texting until his phone drops under 10 percent. I didn’t get his charger and mine won’t fit his phone, so I have to call it a night. 

This is, however, the best I’ve felt in a long time. I know it's only virtual, but having any connection to Baz makes me feel safer, happier, and like I _can_ get through whatever I may face the next two weeks. 

**____________**

Baz is outside the store at 9 am sharp, like he promised. I give him his phone and he gives me one too. 

“What’s this for?” I’m confused, truly. 

“You need something,” He replies. “I got it last night- Daphne and Malcolm agreed to it when I called them. More so insisted on it if I’m being honest. You need to have some way to communicate with others and to get help if you need it.”

I flip the new iPhone in my hands, back and forth, tears welling up in my eyes. 

“Baz, you shouldn’t have.”

“Yes, I should have,” He kisses the top of my head and pulls me close. “I don’t like thinking that you can’t call for help if you need it. If I could take you away from him I would. Not yet at least.”

“I can help pay the bill,” I say, trying to clear my throat from the emotions clogging it up. 

“They would have no such thing, Simon. They don’t know everything going on, but they seem to know enough to want to make sure you are protected.”

“What if he finds this too and breaks it?” I don’t add on that he might break me too if he finds it. Baz doesn’t need that on his mind. 

“Then we can get another. Phones are replaceable.” 

“This is too much Baz,” I look down at it again. 

“Nope, I’ll have no such argument. We’ve only another five minutes before you have to go to work and I refuse to let my possible last five minutes with you be clogged with arguments about what I can and cannot do for my boyfriend.” He is smirking at me and I can’t help but laugh a bit. So I reach up and kiss him. 

“I love you Baz,” I say against his lips. 

He tenses up, and I pause, realizing what I did. Why can’t I keep my mouth closed?

“I’m so sorry-” I start, pulling away a bit. His arms keep me still and I look up into his grey eyes, looking for a response. 

“I love you too Simon.” He whispers, a smile forming on his lips as he pulls me into another soft kiss. 

I wonder if he’s been holding in those words as much as I have. I kiss him again and again, glad to have finally gotten the words out. 

“You called me Simon,” I say between kisses. 

“I don’t recall,” He smirks and gives me one last kiss. 

We separate and when I walk into the store I feel my new phone vibrate. 

Baz Pitch- Boyfriend Extraordinaire

Tuesday, July 14th, 9:29 am

Hello love. 

cocky bastard. 

Really? I feel like the

name is fitting.

it is. I love it.

I clock in smiling and get right to work, humming with delight. I love Baz, and he loves me back. 

Maybe I can get through whatever this is, as long as I’ve got Baz around. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> Feel free to check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I also have a few playlists if you want to check them out. 
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=ep9ODcIlRous4NEy2-xunw)
> 
> [Simon' Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=3JxZaH7jRXegIX_xBunbXQ)
> 
> [Baz's Simon Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=OogkBnMbTHeaK2q6RTWTKw)


	18. Saving Simon Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is some more Baz for you... it's his POV through the last two chapters. 
> 
> Simon Snow isn't responding to my texts.. so as any sane person would- I decide to drive 7 hours to check on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy Baz POV! I usually put his chapters as separate from the fic, but then decided it might make more sense if I do it like this. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and that a little Baz in the mix is good :) 
> 
> (A little Baz is always good for the soul... right?)

Simon Snow is leaving. He is in David’s car, leaving the safety of my arms, the warmth of the beach, the infuriating clutches of my sister’s tirades. I can already hear David yelling at him. He’s probably going to lose his voice.  _ Simon Snow come back, please. Jump out and I’ll catch you _ . All I can do is stand next to my father, hands balled into fists, and try not to run after the fucking run-of-the-mill Jeep his father owns. 

_ I bet I could catch up if I really tried. _

My eyes glance at my car briefly, a wild thought in my mind. My car is certainly faster than his, and I could follow them until David inevitably pulls over (for gas, food, a piss, who knows) and I could take Simon back, never letting him go. 

“I’m sorry Basil,” My father whispers, putting a hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be okay, though.”

“It’s most certainly not going to be okay.” I frown, turning to the beach, already thinking of where I put my car keys. My father doesn’t know David. He doesn’t know how badly he can hurt others, hurt Simon. 

“Running after them won’t help.” He says, reading my mind like a book. “If anything it’ll put him in more trouble. Just watch your phone, and wait for a response from him.”

I don’t like that response, but I know deep down he is right. David could get more explosive if I come to steal Simon. 

“Why don’t you go grab ice cream for us,” He pulls out a $20 bill and hands it over, pointing to the ice cream hut nearby.  _ Simon would want some. Probably would get something disgusting and then dip his potato chip in it. _ My heart clenches a bit. 

I’d give anything for him to be back here making disgusting food decisions. 

“Basil?” He jerks me from my thoughts.

“Yes,” I sigh. “I can.” And I walk over, realizing I have no clue what anyone would want. 

I don’t think the point was for me to get everyone ice cream anyway, so it’s ice cream bars for everyone. Easy to carry, easy to clean, and I know Mordelia will eat mine too.

I’m not much in the mood for ice cream. 

____________

I’ve texted Simon at least four (teen) times at this point and have had no response. My father has asked about him, more than I’d expect, and seems fairly concerned about what’s happening. 

“You’re worried, aren’t you?” Daphne asks after dinner. 

I’m sitting in my room, having not eaten all day, checking my phone every time I even  _ think _ a text has come. 

I’m obviously distressed. 

“Yes,” I sigh. “I haven’t heard from him yet.”

“Do you know where he lives?” She comes to sit next to me on my bed, and I drop my head in my hands. 

“I know the city, but not the address.”

“Could we figure it out?” 

I lift my head and look at her, confusion clear on my face. 

“I’m sure we could.” I pause, thinking. “But why?”

“Would it help you if you went to go check on him?”

“I’m not sure that’d help him any.” I sigh. Apparently all I do anymore is sigh because of Simon Snow. “But I would like it,” I add quietly. 

“Do you know anything more about what he does up there?” She asks, wrapping an arm around me. 

“I know he works at a hardware store near his home. Otherwise, I’m pretty clueless.”

“Basil,” My father’s voice says from the doorway. I immediately snapped up and he walks over to me and Daphne. “If you want to go up we will help you.”

“You would?” I love my parents, but this is very outside of their realm. It’s not typical for them to let their teenage son run after his boyfriend to make sure his abusive father didn’t  _ kill _ him. Not that they think it’s going to be that bad, of course. 

“Considering the manner in which he left, yes.” He crosses his arms around his chest and leans against my bedpost. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my father  _ lean _ before. “I don’t feel good about this situation. Your mother and I don’t know the full extent of the situation, but based on how you’re reacting, and how his father left things.” He pauses, thinking. “I think it’d put us all at ease if he was found safe and healthy.”

“You feel that way?” My heart rate rises, did something happen?

“Based on the conversation he was having with me before both you and Simon showed up, yes.” He sighs. “But I won’t go into detail.”

It’s hard not to ask more about it, but I drop the subject regardless. 

“It’s a far drive.”

“You can use the credit card.”

“I’m not sure exactly where he lives.”

“We can figure that out. You know where he works, so that helps.” Daphne says comfortingly. I lean on her shoulder, letting her sense of calm wash over me. 

“Are you sure?” I ask, quietly. 

“We trust you, Basil,” My father reaches out and rubs my shoulder. “Fiona is up north the next few days, and can be there in a flash if needed.”

“Should I stay with her?”

“Probably not. She’s meeting with an old friend, I’d hate to think what they might be up to.” Father has a smirk on his lips, and I know I don’t want to hear more about it. 

“Just don’t get too close to a bad situation, okay Baz?” Daphne asks. “We want Simon to be safe, but if you see something really bad please call us and the cops.”

“Yes, of course.” I nod. I can’t tell if I’m more excited about possibly saving him, or terrified about what I might find. 

Both. Probably both. 

____________

“Have you found him yet?” Daphne asks me over the phone. 

It took me seven hours to get up here (I had to stop a few times), and now I feel completely aimless. I knew he worked at a hardware store, but I’ve been to at least three stores and no one knows who Simon is. 

I finally pull into one store, it looks ratty and faded. The parking lot is coated in potholes and the parking spaces are so faded that I’m not sure where I can park. 

The lot is fairly empty, so I guess it doesn’t matter. 

“Not yet. I just pulled into another place, and there are two more places nearby I could check.” I sigh, pulling my key out of the ignition. “How many hardware stores does one city need?”

She laughs in response. 

“Just let us know,” She says softly. “And be safe Basil.”

“Will do,” I respond before we say goodbye and hang up. 

It’s already evening, the day lost mostly to driving. I keep worrying I’ll run into David, but luck seems to be on my side. 

The door gives a ring when I open it, and I look around for any sign of life. It takes a moment before I see him, putting bags of Cheez-Its on the hooks next to the register. He stands up straight, eyes wide, and I can’t help but sigh in relief. 

_ He’s alive and okay _ . It takes everything to not immediately run and take him from the store. He has a bruise on the side of his face, confirming the worst of my suspicions, his curls are still intact, a messy mop on the top of his head, and he somehow still looks delightful in a deep blue work shirt and khakis.

It’s a crime, truly. 

“Hello,” I say, taking a step forward. I feel a smile forming on my face, but it drops the second I see how he is looking at me. He looks terrified, and I pause. Simon is shaking his head and is clearly telling me to stop in my tracks, so I do. 

Maybe he wasn’t talking to me because he didn’t want to hear from me anymore? My heart is pounding with panic, and I take a moment to look around the store, hopeful for an answer. 

“I’ll help you look for it. It should be down aisle seven,” He says, awkwardly loud and in a pitch above his normal voice. 

He starts walking and I follow him, albeit a little confused. I’d follow him anywhere if I’m being honest. Even if it means he’s going to break up with me. (Please don’t be breaking up with me.)

Simon takes me to a spot in the corner and is still searching frantically around us. I’m completely confused about what is happening. 

“Simon-what’s going-” I start to ask.

“Shh,” He whispers frantically, and I immediately stop talking. 

“I’m sorry,” He visibly relaxes, though I’m unsure why. “My boss and David are really close, and I’m sure they’d talk about you being here. I don’t want anything to happen.”

_ Oh, so that’s why he is acting weird. _

“Oh,” I can’t help but worry. The fear in his voice provides me with no comfort, and on instinct, I reach a hand out to his face, where the bruise is sitting, telling me everything and nothing all in one spot. “Are you okay?” I whisper (it’s a stupid question I know, but it slips out before I can help it.)

“Yeah,” He raises his hand and puts it over my own. “I’m okay. It’s been relatively calm since I got back at least, he’s just got me on lockdown.”

“I can get you out of here,” I respond, completely serious. “My family would understand.”  _ I’d make sure they did _ .

“What did you say to them to get up here? You don’t live anywhere near here.” He is frowning, and it makes me feel a bit anxious. How do knights in shining armor do this?

“I was worried when I hadn’t heard from you, and so were they. I don’t think that whatever your father and mine talked about left a good taste in their mouth. They agreed to me venturing up here to check on you.” 

“Did they say what happened?” He asks.

“No, they wouldn’t budge. But they seemed frightened when I told them I hadn’t heard from you.” 

“Hey, Simon!” I hear from the front. Simon immediately tenses up and shoves a wrench at me.  _ What am I to do with a wrench? _

“Coming Brian!” He calls. “I was just helping a customer find what he needed.” He then starts walking to the register. 

“When do you get off?” I whisper. 

“In fifteen,” 

I nod and walk to the register, buying a wrench. Maybe I should have put it back? I’m too confused by everything and anxious about what’s happening to Simon to really think it through. 

____________

After I drive Simon home I make it back to the hotel I am staying at. It’s boring, beige, and a little run down. But I can’t help walking in feeling more alive than I have in a few days.

I found him, he’s alive, and I can help him through this. 

When I get into my room I pull out my laptop to message my family to let them know we are okay. I also can’t help but worry they’ll call Simon while he is with his father, therefore guaranteeing he’ll find the stashed phone. 

Family 

Monday, July 13th, 2020, 7:02 pm

I found him at the

store. He seems to

be doing fine. 

I gave him my

phone. So don’t call

until I get it back. 

David has him on

total lockdown. I’m

worried about it. 

Especially since

he doesn’t have a 

phone or computer.

So there isn’t a way 

for him to contact

anyone in case of

emergency.

Simon wouldn’t want

me to say this, but he’s

got a bruise on his face.

I think that tells us all

what is going on. 

Daphne (ICE)

Does he feel safe leaving?

No, he says he can

manage it all. 

I tried already. 

Daphne (ICE)

Let me talk to

your father. See

what we can do. 

Okay. 

I’m not sure what my parents can do to help this situation, but I wait patiently for them to clue me in. I obsessively check my laptop, waiting for a message from Simon (myself?)

Messaging myself will be weird, but at least I’ll know he is okay. 

Daphne (ICE)

Monday, July 13th, 2020, 8:22 pm

Are you able to

Facetime?

Yes. 

I click the app and Facetime her, she answers almost immediately, showing both her and father’s faces close together on my screen. 

“We were thinking,” she starts. “It would be good to make sure Simon has a way to communicate with others if things should get bad.”

“Yes?” I agree, confused as to their intention. They don’t know quite how  _ bad _ it could get. 

“We bought him a phone.” Father states. 

“Oh.”

“We have it scheduled for you to pick up in the morning at a nearby store, does that work, Basil?” Daphne continues. 

“Yes,” I am speechless, this is so outside of the realm of what I thought we’d do for him. “Thank you,” I choke out after a moment. 

Apparently I’m getting emotional. 

“We don’t know everything happening with Simon, but I think it’s best we help at least in this way.” Father continues. “If he feels it isn’t safe for him to have it, then we can work something else out. But trying is better than sitting back doing nothing.”

“Agreed.” 

We continue to talk about what I found when I saw Simon, but I pause when I notice that I’ve received a text from myself (weird.)

“Simon’s texted. Can I let you go?”

“Yes of course,” Daphne replies, a soft look on her face. “Be safe, and let us know how he is.”

“Will do,” I reply, then end the call. 

____________

I’ve got his new phone in my hand, rolling it between my hands, waiting for him to arrive. 

That’s when I decide to do something ballsy, and I go into his contacts and put in my number, naming myself Baz Pitch- Boyfriend Extraordinaire. 

Hopefully it makes him laugh. 

“Hello,” He says breathlessly after he attacks me in the parking lot. I can’t help but smile at him (and wish I could throw him in the car and take him home with me.)

“Hi,” I reply. I should probably say more, but my brain can’t compute anything when Simon Snow looks at me that way. 

My heart jumps a little, I love him so much. I wonder if he knows it? He must at this point, it’s so painfully obvious. Why else would I run to the north part of New York just to make sure he is okay?

I give him his new phone, and it’s afterward when  _ he _ says the words I’ve failed to say. 

“I love you Baz,” He says, my lips still touching his. It makes me shiver, not only hearing but  _ feeling _ the words as he says them. 

Oh, Simon Snow, I’ve loved you since the beginning.  _ Is that too much? _

“I’m so sorry-” He starts, and I realize I haven't responded yet. He starts to panic, but I hold him still, searching for the best way to respond, trying not to seem like a desperate loser.  _ Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore if I do. _

“I love you too Simon,” I can’t keep the smile from forming. I love him more than I thought I ever could. I lean down to kiss him, hoping the rest of what I feel can go poetically unsaid. Told only through our lips, in this worn down parking lot in upstate New York. 

It doesn’t  _ sound _ romantic, but my deranged brain makes it romantic. (I’m such a fool for Simon fucking Snow.)

When he leaves and goes into work, I get into my car with a stupid smile on my face. I shoot him a quick text, smiling somehow larger at his response to my name (my cheeks hurt- what is this?), and I drive off. 

I pray he can make it these next two weeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! More Simon updates tomorrow :). 
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> Also, in case anyone is confused, ICE (in contacts) stands for in case of emergency!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supportive bfs through text messages, going back to school, and mysterious phone calls. 
> 
> What really happened to Simon's mom?
> 
> (Fall 2020 pt 1)

My Pitch

Wednesday, July 29th, 2020 10:01pm

did you give Mordi

my phone number?

No.

well she’s got it.

I’ll kill her.

no-don’t. 

I love it. 

What is she doing?

/nothing/

Simon.

😱

Tell me what she is doing. 

there may be a group

chat with Fiona.

Fuck.

she’s sending me

baby photos.

Fiona or Mordelia?

correction- they both are.

I’m currently looking at 7-year-old 

Baz Pitch. terrifying soccer player.

straight-A student. wearing a

vampire costume. 

Kill me now.

gonna suck my blood?

…

kinky.

I’m no longer a part

of this conversation.

🧛🏼

**____________**

The rest of the summer goes about as well as expected, boring and horribly. Luckily David never finds the phone Baz gave me, so I am able to talk to him each night. Even more lucky is the fact that my face heals, and David doesn’t hit me again. 

This doesn’t mean that I’m not completely ready to go back to school though. It’s about a five-hour drive with David, but it’s worth it if I get to have my friends on the other end. 

“All packed up Simon?” He asks from the doorway of my room. 

“Yup,” I sling my duffle bag over my shoulder and raise the handle to my suitcase. 

“Well, let’s get going then.” He walks down the steps where his own items are waiting by the door. 

Getting everything into the car is easier this year than last. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I actually _want_ to get to school. 

“Now, Simon,” he says, driving down the road of our neighborhood. “I hope this year is going to be a better year for you. I’d hate for anyone to think that you aren’t as capable as you truly are.”

“I think it’ll be much easier this time.” I’m not trying to sabotage it for one thing. 

“Well, based on this summer I have worries.” He glances at me with an eyebrow raised. 

“It’ll be good- I promise.” My stomach feels queasy, hoping he isn’t about to take something else away from me. 

“Okay then,” He taps his steering wheel to the beat of Rich Girl, playing softly on the radio. 

We sit in silence, letting the songs on the radio wash over us. To keep my mind occupied I go through the artists in my head (Leon Bridges, Queen, Monkees), and tap my fingers on my leg to the beat. We are transitioning into some ads when he speaks again. 

“I got you something, as a leap of faith for the new school year.” He says, turning down an advertisement for a car dealership. “It’s in the glove box.”

“Oh?” I’m confused, but I open the glovebox. In it is a box, marked as Samsung. _Oh_. 

“I got it for you yesterday while you were at work. I hope there aren’t any issues this year, so please know I will take it away if you cause any trouble.”

“Thanks, dad.” I open it up and flip it back and forth. My brain is immediately going through what I’m going to do with _two_ phones. Maybe I can get Baz’s family to return their phone so they can get their money back. “Really- I appreciate it.”

He reaches over and pats my shoulder. 

“You got your computer too right?”

“I couldn’t find it, you had taken it-remember?”

“Oh right.” He puts his hand back on his steering wheel. “I’m sure you’ll be okay using the school ones.”

The school computers are clunky and old, so I probably will have some problems with them. But Baz has already offered to let me borrow his when I need to- so I’ve got contingency plans. I nod in response and spend the next stretch of silence setting up my phone and immediately adding some numbers. 

My Pitch

Wednesday, August 12th, 2020 10:17 am

new phone, who dis?

Those are supposed to be my lines, Snow

who said this is snow?

No one else would have

started a text like that. 

this ‘Snow’ guy sounds pretty cool.

He’s not. 

my heart!

Your number hasn’t changed, so

your name is still the same.

what’s my name on your phone?

is it something cute like ‘my love’?

Idiot.

????

Your name in my phone.

so harsh today. 

😘

how are you doing? want me to call

when I get to school?

I’m as good as I could be. We are going to

visit her grave in a bit. Then Daphne and I 

are going to make her favorite foods. 

You’d love her chocolate cake. 

my stomach just growled. 

I love you. I’m here if you need me. 

Thanks. I love you too. I’ll call you

later tonight. I wish you were here. 

I wish I was too. Imagine I’m

there hugging you tight right now!

I can almost feel the suffocation. 

suffocation of LOVE.

If I was to suffocate from anything,

I’d hope it would be from that. 

You’re a sap.

Are you ready to go back to school?

I never thought I’d be so ready to

have a standard-issue mattress

and cafeteria food. 

Only you. 

I’ll be heading up Friday- want to get

milkshakes? 

YES.

oh my God. best boyfriend ever.

love of my life.

light of my world. 

I can’t wait to have fries and 

a strawberry milkshake. 

Sweet words, but disgusting

food choices. 

We continue texting throughout the drive, and it makes time pass impossibly quick. I think we are providing comfort for each other. Initially I felt awful about not being able to talk to him today, given that it is the anniversary of his mother’s death. He did so much for me, I wanted to be able to be there for him too. So I’m especially grateful that David gave me a phone I can use regularly. 

It is odd to get used to an Android again. I think Baz has turned me into an Apple bitch (Penny’s words.) 

**____________**

School starting not only means getting back into routines but also applying to college. Baz is applying to several Ivy League schools (I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I’m unsurprised. He was practically _bred_ for those kinds of schools.), and I’m applying all over. My dream was always MIT, but it’s so close to David that I’m not sure I want to go there anymore. 

Baz says I shouldn’t let him control where I go for college, but I’m not sure how else I could ever get away from him. If Baz gets into Harvard, however, we could be close to each other. 

I guess it doesn’t hurt to apply to several places- I’ll let the acceptances decide for me. 

I’m in physics class right now, which I’m super excited for. Baz isn’t in this class because he opted out of science this year and is taking an econ course (to appease his own family), but I’ve got Shepard, sitting next to me eagerly waiting to learn. At least I’ll have a good partner in this class. 

**____________**

“Hey Si,” Penny says, sliding in next to me at lunch. “How was class?”

“It was alright- I thought the first few weeks back would be the easiest but they are really laying it on thick.” I’ve already had a test, and had two large papers due before Labor Day weekend. “How was yours?”

“Good! I’ve got a lot of work to do. Maybe we could get together at the library later?”

“Yeah! That’d be great.” Really, I need someone to make sure I focus. With Baz I get distracted too easily (can you blame me though?)

“Awesome. We can grab food and then head to the library together? Say 5?” 

“How about 6? I have to work in the office.” I sigh.

“He still has you doing that?” She is frowning at me. Penny doesn’t voice it as much as she used to, but it’s obvious that she doesn’t like David. I wonder how much she would dislike him if she knew more about what he was like at home. 

“Yeah,” I shrug “It’s not so bad. I bring work with me and can do it in between organizing files and taking phone calls.”

“Hmm.. okay.” She starts eating her sandwich and lets me drop the subject. 

“So, how are things with Shepard?” I ask, trying to pick the conversation back up.

“Good. He’s actually supposed to be joining us soon.” She looks around the cafeteria, but I don’t see him either. “He is absolutely infuriating- I don’t know why I like him so much.”

“You’re preaching to the choir,” Baz says- sneaking up on us and sitting next to me with his lunch. 

“Oh God,” She rolls her eyes. “If I have to sit here and listen to you guys flirt I am going to barf.”

“Hey now,” I say. “Are you saying that him immediately showing up and insulting me is flirting?”

“What else would you call it?” Baz replies for her. 

“Oh my God- everything makes so much more sense. All those times you were mean to me, were you flirting? No wonder it took me so long to realize it all.”

“I didn’t say it was a foolproof plan, but it did work out for me eventually.” He bumps my shoulder and goes to eat. Penny snorts and we all fall into a comfortable chatter again. 

____________

At the office everything goes like I thought it would. I alphabetize some files, clean the desk, read for English class, all the exciting things that happen while working at the office. I’m playing some music on my phone when the school phone rings. I roll my eyes, assuming it is probably some parent who wants to know why their child is on probation from whatever sport they play. No one is here though so hopefully it will be over quickly. 

“Hello, Dean’s office,” I say after picking up.

“Hello David,” They start. For some reason, people continuously think I am my father. I don’t know if it’s because they think we sound alike, or because they don’t expect anyone who _isn’t_ the Dean to be a man. It’s a little sexist, to be honest. “You’ve forgotten your payment.”

“Huh?” This one is new. 

“I did you a big favor a year and a half ago. I hope I don’t have to remind you of our agreement.”

I’m so confused. The man on the phone keeps talking and I try to decipher all he is saying- but I’m not sure I follow. 

“You promised that if I took care of her that you’d give me these monthly payments. I’d hate to leak what _really_ happened to your wife to those who may not approve.”

My ears start ringing. I can’t have heard correctly. This has to be some elaborate prank or something. 

I cough and spin some bullshit about getting him his payment soon and then hang up on him. It’s probably not the best handling of the situation, but all things considered, I did well. 

My shift isn’t over yet, but I pack my things up and lock the door. No one will really be able to notice anyway, and I have something bigger to figure out. I practically sprint back to my room, praying and hoping that Baz is there. I need something to ground me to the real world. 

The room is empty. My ears are still ringing and I drop my bag and collapse to the ground. 

If that phone call is to be believed- David killed my mom. He _hired_ someone. Did he do it for his job? Is there something else going on here? Why did he do it?

She did nothing but support him. Love him. Love _me_. 

“Simon?” I hear Baz’s voice. He must have just walked in, his voice sounds so far away though, maybe I am just imagining it. “Love, what’s wrong? What happened?” He is pulling me close and I try to focus on him. This must be real, I can feel his breath on my cheek, his hands are touching me, running through my hair and holding my face up, and his voice is in my ear, desperately trying to calm me down. 

“David- he- he,” I start to choke out. “I think he killed my mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Rich Girl- Hall and Oates  
> That Was Yesterday- Leon Bridges  
> Radio Ga Ga- Queen  
> Daydream Believer- The Monkees 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed. New chapter will come Wednesday :). 
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> Playlists (if you want them)
> 
> [ If Not For You](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=A2p2etUlQ2Sc5JOciaqGWA)
> 
> [Simon's Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=Z3JvJc3IQAGibtMLGPnHQg)
> 
> [Baz's Simon Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=lnLVTlzeQpOWwqm-RlltwA)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After receiving a strange call at David's office, Simon has reason to believe he was behind his mom's death. That maybe it wasn't an accident after all. 
> 
> What if, however, Baz doesn't believe him? And why, oh why, is David showing up to their room at 10 at night?
> 
> (Fall 2020 pt 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic attacks at the beginning of the chapter. 
> 
> There is a page break, so if you'd like to skip it you can go to that part and be fine.

Baz is silent for a moment, and I feel him still around me. Maybe I am imagining that he is here, almost like a comfort mechanism when my brain shuts down from information. That’s a thing right? I haven’t taken any psych classes yet, but I feel like it’s something the brain could do. 

“What?” He says, his voice sounds laced with anger. I flinch, hoping he isn’t mad at me. 

“I think he killed my mom,” I repeat, even quieter this time. 

“Why do you think that?” He asks, and I look up at him and there is a fire behind his eyes. 

The panic starts to burn at my throat as I realize he may not believe me. I look down at my hands again, feeling tears prickling as I squeeze my eyes shut tight. What if I tell him what happened and he thinks I’m stupid and need to get my brain checked? He’d never stay with someone whose brain is fucked up like this and creates stories where there are none. I’m sure if I told David about this he would say the call was just a scam. Maybe it was? 

_ I can’t breathe.  _

“Shh Simon,” Baz is running his fingers through my hair again. “We can talk about it in a bit. I’m right here, okay? Deep breaths.”

I try, but I’m choking on air. I hope he closed the door when he came in, I’d hate for anyone else to have to see this. It’s certainly a shitshow, and I must look like a sight for sore eyes. 

Why is my mind going in  _ this _ direction? My fucking father possibly killed my mom. He is the reason I am here, without her. How could he do that?

_ I still can’t breathe _ .

Baz takes my hand and puts it on his chest, right in the open spot where his shirt is hanging loose, and I feel the slow rise and fall of his chest. He is still talking but I can’t register anything but what I feel. Is this the lizard brain response thing everyone talks about? Is he appealing to that? 

If so, it is working. His skin feels soft and slightly warm. Baz usually runs cold, so to feel him this warm is a rarity. I drop my head to his shoulder to listen to the way he breathes. His hand is wrapped around mine, and I move my fingers a little bit, only to start softly rubbing my hand against his chest. 

I find myself slowly mimicking his breathing until the worst washes over me. I know my breathing is still too shallow, but I feel like I'm getting more oxygen to my system than I was before. My eyes are puffy and I feel completely exhausted, my butt hurts from the hard floor, and there is no way he feels comfortable in the weird position he is sitting in. I pull back and see his shirt has a large wet patch on his shoulder. 

“Better?” He is looking at me with concern. 

“Yeah,” I sniff and move to get up. Baz helps me up (God he is so good to me) and I walk to sit on my bed. “Thank you.”

“Can I get you anything?” I know he wants to ask more, but I'm thankful he isn’t pressing for details.

“I’m just exhausted.” I yawn. 

“Let me get you water- you probably need some.” He walks to the mini-fridge and pulls out a bottle and hands it to me. I nod and let the water help cool down my system. It feels refreshing and helps calm me down. I guess Baz was right, I am thirsty. 

I set the bottle down on the desk next to my bed and crawl under the covers. It's a testament to how worried Baz is that he doesn't gawk at it. He hates when I leave things on my desk to clean up later. But instead of the sneers and insults,  because Baz is a constant surprise to me, he climbs into bed and holds me close. 

“I’m sorry for ruining your return,” I whisper into his chest. 

“You ruined nothing,” He replies, pushing the curls off my forehead. 

I yawn again. I’m so incredibly exhausted, and it’s not even late. I look up a bit at the window and see some light still coming through the blinds. 

“You should sleep,” He says, pulling the blanket over both of our shoulders. “We can talk later.”

“Baz it’s so early you don’t have to go to sleep with me.” My body defies my words though, as I start hugging him tight. 

“Shush, maybe I am also exhausted.” He whispers, wiping a lingering tear from my cheek. 

I know he is lying. Baz is a night owl if I ever met one. He’s doing this because he knows it’ll help, _I love him for it_. 

I close my eyes and cuddle close to the crook of his neck and shoulder, giving him a kiss. He chuckles a little (he’s ticklish, but he won’t admit it.)

“I love you, Simon.” He whispers. “Whatever happened I’m here to help you.” 

**____________**

When I wake up I feel an empty space beside me, and chatter at the door. It takes me a second to realize someone there. 

“He’s not feeling well- he’s asleep right now. Can you come back?” I hear Baz whisper. He must be talking about me. 

“He’s my son- I can check on him if I want to.”  _ Fuck _ . 

“Look, I can’t stop you, of course, but he is dead asleep. He can call you when he is awake.”

God bless Baz, no one else would have the balls to fight against the Dean like that. 

“Fine,” David sounds exasperated. I’m keeping my eyes closed to play the part, he doesn’t need to see I am actually awake listening to this right now. “But he needs to call me the  _ second _ he is awake. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Then I hear the door close and Baz comes to sit next to me.

“What did he want?” I whisper, sitting up in bed to look at Baz. 

“He wouldn’t say. Said he needed to talk to you and that it was urgent. I assume you heard the part where you need to call him the second you wake up?” He asks. 

“Yeah. I think I’m going to,” I raise my hand to do air quotes “sleep, for a little bit longer.”

“Sounds good. I would recommend it too.” 

“Thanks.”

He sits next to me then, and I know he is itching to know more. I take a deep breath. 

“I got a call while I was at work. It was for David.”

“Ah.” He says, trying not to push. I can see the questions in his eyes which deceive his calm demeanor. 

So I tell him everything they said, and I hope that he will believe me. It all comes out so fast that I worry that he may not even hear what I am saying. But afterward, he looks so angry and reaches out for my hands. 

“We need to call someone. The cops, lawyers, I don’t know. But you cannot go anywhere with him.” He is looking intensely into my eyes. I didn’t expect him to go in that direction (I hadn’t thought of it as an option.) I guess David has always seemed above everything... like if I went to any authorities they’d laugh in my face and tell me to go home. 

“What if they don’t believe me? He could get them on his side and then things would be even worse for me.”  _ For you _ .

“We have to do something.” He pleads. “I can’t let you go around with your dad who might  _ actually _ kill you. I worried before, but how am I going to sleep knowing this?”

“We need to look into it more. Do you have any ideas? Maybe we could talk to someone and see if they can pull any dirt?” I sigh. “I just- I know him. He could spin this whole thing around and then not only will he not get punished, but things could be a lot worse for me- and maybe you too.” I don’t tell him that I need the confirmation myself. I need to know that my brain is telling me the correct information- that he really did do this. 

“I understand. But I’m not letting you out of my sight- I hope you know that.”

“I’m counting on it.” I reach up and kiss him. 

We stay like that for a moment, and I try to let the panic settle in my stomach. It hasn't quite gone away since the phone call. I wonder if it ever will...

“I guess I should call him,” I say, reaching for the phone. 

“I'll be right here next to you,” Baz says. 

I smile as I press dial and wait for him to pick up. 

“Simon?” David answers on the third ring. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, just feel a little queasy. Baz has been helping at least.”

“Good, good,” 

An awkward pause comes over for a moment while I wait for him to get to it. 

“Baz said you needed to talk to me?” I ask, getting impatient.

“Yes- can you meet me somewhere? We can go to the drugstore or something if you need it?” 

Baz starts violently shaking his head at the suggestion. 

“Do you mind just asking on the phone? I think I need to get back to sleep. I’ve already got some meds here so I should be okay.” 

“Ah, well I’d rather talk about this in person Simon.” He is starting to get impatient. 

“Maybe let’s meet in the lobby?” I suggest, knowing there are people around and Baz could be nearby. 

“Yes, great idea. I’ll see you in five minutes okay?” And then he hangs up before I can get another word in. 

I jump off the bed and make for the door before Baz grabs my arm. 

“I don’t like this.” He says. 

“There will be other people around, and you can be down there too if you want.” I bring my other hand up to put over his on my arm. “It’ll be okay. The longer I keep him waiting though the worse it’ll be.”

“Fine, but you don’t leave with him. Okay?”

“Promise.” I squeeze his hand and we make our way off of my bed and down to the lobby. 

Exactly five minutes later I see him walk into the lobby of our dorms, looking very frazzled. I wonder if the guy that called earlier called him again. 

“Hey there Simon!” He waves me over and we take a seat in two chairs by the door. Baz is around the corner, listening closely, phone in hand. I think I’ll be okay, but Baz is taking all precautions. _Baz is always so worried_. 

“What’s up?” I ask, wanting this over as soon as possible. 

“I’ve been thinking,” He is looking everywhere except for me. “I think you should go to school somewhere else.”

“What?” I try not to shout, but it definitely comes out louder than I meant. 

“This place isn’t working out for you. I know you didn’t want to come back, and I think that after everything you should be at home. Not in a dorm.”

“What? No.” I stand up. “I’m not leaving.”

“What are you talking about Simon?” He looks up at me finally. “You’re the one who asked to leave?”

“Yes, a year ago. When my mom had just died and I was forced to move across the country and go to a new school with brand new people. Of COURSE I didn’t want to be here. But now I have friends, and classes I like. You can’t make me restart my senior year. I refuse.” I cross my arms and stand my ground. I don’t often fight back, but I cannot leave. I can’t leave with him and go to a new school. One without Penny or Baz or Shepard. 

“Excuse you?” His face is red and he stands up, close to me. I’m suddenly even more grateful that there are other people, especially Baz, around. If we were alone, I fear for what he might do. “I said you are leaving this school. This isn’t an argument or a discussion. Pack your shit up and let’s go.”

“No. You didn’t listen to me then, and you don’t get to change your mind just because I like it here now. I don’t know why you think Watford isn’t a good place for me, but it is. I’ve got good grades and I work two jobs on top of that. I even help Miss Possibelf with her freshmen by tutoring them in science. I’ve been loads more successful here than back at my old school.” 

He drops his voice and says “Pack up your shit, now.”

“Excuse me,” Baz is by my side.  _ When did he walk over here? _ “Is everything okay?”

“You can move along- you aren’t a part of this discussion.” David waves him off without a glance. 

“Well, since you are threatening my roommate, I feel I am.” Baz raises his eyebrow. David huffs and turns to face him. 

Baz and David couldn’t look more different if they tried. Baz is the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. He has a bored expression as if even being near David is beneath him (Baz is technically 2 inches taller than him, so David is actually beneath him.) He looks suave in his black jeans and a blue shirt (he got it because he said it matched my eyes), and everything about him screams powerful.

David, however, looks frantic and unkempt. His hair is out of control, his expression wild, and his cheeks are tinged red. Whatever is causing this outburst really has him in a tiff. His arms are crossed and he still has on his clothes from work, fully equipped with a coffee stain right at the spot where his (now untucked) shirt meets his pants. 

“Well I am his father, so I believe I take precedence here.” He snaps back. 

“Baz, it’s okay,” I whisper, hoping to calm him down.

“Look, dad,” I say, turning back to David. “It is obvious something is upsetting you. I think we should both take the night to calm down and talk again in the morning. It’s not like we can really get far at,” I check the clock nearby, “10:17 at night. So let’s sleep and then maybe we will both wake up a bit more rational in the morning. Okay?”

I can see his brain working it out. He knows I’m right. Even if we do leave we’d be in town anyway. At least this way neither of us has to pay for a place to stay overnight. 

“Fine. But you and I are leaving first thing in the morning.” He points his finger at my face, gives Baz a glare, and storms off.

I feel like I can breathe again. 

“You aren’t going anywhere with him,” Baz says before I even turn around. 

“Then we need to make a plan, or else it looks like he may take me from school- and who knows what’ll happen then,” I say, pressing the button to the elevator. I can feel my face heat up at the words spoken between me and David. 

Baz must sense it because he grabs my hand. 

“I’m going to make sure he doesn’t take you away.” I nod and we step into the elevator and head back to our room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it :). 
> 
> Please feel free to check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I also have a few playlists if you want to check them out.
> 
> [If Not For You](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=TpQ1Vv3BQCa3wfBs1N28Jg)
> 
> [ Simon's Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=_eibAVWsS0a4NgZx81AEjQ)
> 
> [Baz's Simon Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=ft2EgzSKTRSYTLKI0zGoMA)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his blowout with David, Simon isn't sure if he is going to stay at Watford anymore. 
> 
> A soft knock on the door means he's about to find out. 
> 
> Cue early morning talks, Simon's bad at lip-reading, references to Shrek and Scooby-Doo, and Simon's Petting Zoo.
> 
> (Fall 2020 pt 3)

We walk back into our room, and I take a deep breath. Tonight has been much longer, much harder, much more eventful than I thought it would have been. 

I was supposed to meet up with Penny after work too.

“Oh fuck, I need to text Pen,” I hope she isn’t upset. 

“I texted her. She was worried when you didn’t show up and asked where you might be. I told her you weren’t feeling well.” Baz seems stoic right now. He’s got an intense look on his face. It softens for a moment when he turns to me. “I hope that was okay?

“Yes, of course.” I sigh. “Thanks. I’m going to text her an apology just in case. I hope she isn’t upset.”

“I’m not sure Bunce could ever truly be upset with you.” The softness in his face drops again, and he is staring at the ground, chewing the corner of his lip. 

“I don’t know about that.” I chuckle. “She’s a fright when she wants to be.”

Baz laughs softly, turning to sit at his desk. 

“Baz,” I start. I pause immediately when I realize I’ve no clue what to say. 

“He can’t take you Simon,” Baz whispers. “I won’t let him.”

“He won’t.” I walk to him and pull him into my arms. “It’ll all be okay.”

“How are you sure?” 

“Because we will make sure it will be.” I kiss his forehead. He lets out a deep sigh, I know he doesn’t believe me. 

He drops the topic regardless. 

“Let’s go to bed,” I say it like a question, hoping it is a yes. I know I’ve slept some already, but I still feel exhausted. 

Shouting at your father in the lobby will do that to a person I guess. 

Baz follows me to bed and lets me put my head on his chest. I try to only think of this moment, not letting the thought of leaving come into my head. All that matters is this. 

I fall asleep listening to his heartbeat and feeling his hand run through my curls. 

**____________**

When I wake up the bed next to me is empty, making my heart race. I sit up and look around, worried about where Baz may be. My panic is shortlived, however, as I see him safe and sound. 

It seems that Baz didn’t plan to actually sleep himself. He is sitting at his desk with a cup of coffee in his hands, with both his computer and phone out. His hair is pulled in a messy bun, sitting low on his neck, and I can see the dark circles under his eyes. 

“You look like you haven’t slept at all.” I acknowledge, stretching and digging around for my phone. “What are you doing?”

“I was looking into policies to make sure he can’t take you.”

“Did you find anything?” I sit up and turn to him. 

“Unfortunately, no.” He sighs. “Though emancipation is an option? But that would involve a lot of paperwork and things you may not be able to provide.”

“That’s okay. We will think of something."

“We could just run for it? I have some money. I’m sure my parents would help us.”

“You're delusional if you think you’re not walking across that stage in May.” Sleep loss must really be getting to him. 

“Yes, you’re right.” He sighs again, dropping his head into his hands. 

A light knock sounds at our door. Baz and I look at each other, and I feel a knot in my throat. A part of me hopes it’s Penny, that maybe David forgot about last night and isn’t going to come to my room. 

I know it's wishful thinking though. 

“Don’t leave with him,” Baz whispers angrily. I nod and turn around to go to the door. 

When I open it I see him. He’s even less put together than last night but has a sadder look in his eyes. What happened to him?

“Can we talk, Simon?” He asks softly. Baz coughs. 

“Uh, sure,” I respond, glancing around. “Wanna come in?”

David makes eye contact with Baz, and I see a flash of anger on his face.

“I’d rather not.”

“I need to take a shower anyway,” Baz says. I look at him, astonished he’d leave us alone in the room. “So you can talk alone here.”

He grabs his shower things and walks out of the room, giving me a glance as he passes David. He mouths something, but I can’t help but be confused.

I can’t lipread. He should know that by now. 

“Well?” I ask, deciding not to worry about whatever it was Baz said. 

“Fine,” He steps into the room and takes a seat at my desk. I sit on my bed and turn to him. 

“Please don’t-” I start, but he interrupts me. 

“Let me talk please,” He holds up a hand. There isn’t any anger or malice in his voice, only sadness and exhaustion. “About last night. I got.. Well, I got frightened by something. I wanted to get us away from here. I acted rashly.”  _ Oh _ .

“Does this mean... I can stay?” I ask cautiously. He lets out a deep sigh before responding. 

“Yes, we can stay. I think I’ve got it sorted. But if anything strange happens please tell me.”

This can’t be a coincidence. The same night I get a strange phone call, David gets frightened and thinks strange things are going on. 

I can taste bile in my mouth. I don’t want the dots to be connecting so well here. This is too much.

“Of course,” I respond. My voice cracks a bit, but I don’t think he notices. 

David stands, pats me on the shoulder, and walks out of the room, leaving me to process what he said. 

Baz enters almost immediately, hair not even a little wet. He must have been standing outside the room the whole time. 

“What did he say?” Baz asks at the same time I ask “What the fuck were you mouthing at the door?”

One of those questions matters more than the other I guess. 

“What?” Baz looks at me, confused. 

“I have no clue what you said at the door.”

“I said I’ll be right outside.” Baz shakes his head. “I wanted you to know you weren’t alone. I hope you know I wasn't just leaving you with him.”

“Oh. I had no clue. You know I can’t read lips.” He rolls his eyes and walks over to me.

“Can you answer my question now?” He says, ignoring my lack of lip-reading skills. 

“He’s not making me leave anymore.”

“Thank god.” Baz relaxes and lies back on my bed. I laugh a little and drop next to him. 

I turn to continue the story, but I see how exhausted he is. I think I stress Baz out too much. 

“You need to sleep,” I whisper. 

“Can’t, I’m too wound up now.” He sits back up and sighs, looking around the room. 

This is too much for us. We are  _ teenagers _ . Teens shouldn’t have to deal with crazy dads who hire hitmen, and whether they’re about to do the same to them or anyone else. 

I decide to do something stupid, hoping it’ll change the emotion of the room.

“I have an idea. Will you humor me?” I attempt to pull what I call a Baz face- full smirk and attempt to raise my eyebrow. He says I look like an idiot- but I do it anyway because it makes him smile. 

“When don’t I?” He opens his eyes and raises an eyebrow.  _ There he is.  _

I turn on the speaker and pick up my phone and turn up the music. I know my hair is still messy from sleep, I’m still in my pajamas, and we are both wound up tight from the past day's emotions, but I hope this works. 

The opening beat of the song starts playing and Baz looks at me like I’m actually insane. 

“Now either you join me or I will dance enough for both of us.”

He leans back, hands holding him up on my bed.  _ Jerk _ . 

I grab his hairbrush off his dresser and mock singing into it, getting more into the move as the chorus comes in. At the very least he has a smile on his face until I come up and ruffle his hair a bit. Then he frowns at me as he fixes it. 

Even dead tired Baz is finicky about his hair. 

“Are you seriously singing and dancing to St. Elmo’s Fire, Snow?” 

“I would be with you if you get that fine ass out of my bed.” I spin around and then start playing a set of air drums. 

“Why on earth would I interrupt a clear attempt of proving your insanity?” He laughs. “Though I know how much you enjoy my  _ fine ass. _ ”

I turn around and shake my butt at him and then spin back around and do air guitar. I know I look like an idiot, but I want to see Baz smile. We need to do something stupid, and stupid has always been a specialty of mine. 

So I grab his hands and pull him up with me. He groans but complies. I try to spin him, but he is taller than me so I get stuck and he chuckles. 

_ Good _ . 

Then he spins me and I think I’m going to fall over, but he catches me (Baz always does.) I smile and let him do it again- even if it makes me feel dizzy each time.

The song ends and he kisses me and we are both laughing- and I know I chose right with that move.

“Another song?” I raise my eyebrow at him. 

“I get to choose this time.” And he grabs my phone and flips through Spotify before choosing one. 

I hear the opening beat to Modern Love and laugh out loud. 

“What can I say,” He slides on the tiled floor away from me, hands outstretched as he does so. “We are a modern love aren’t we?” He winks. I love when he acts silly. It’s rare and perfect, and I don’t think I’d trade these moments for the world. 

“Oh my god, the puns.” I reach for his arms and we continue our laughter and dancing to songs. 

When the third song finishes (we both chose it- I’m a believer by The Monkees) we take a breather (I made a Shrek joke, he pushed me and I slid into a chair laughing harder than I had in a while.)

“You’re an idiot, Snow.” He says. Immediately after he kisses me, so I know he doesn’t mean it. 

“I’m your idiot though.” I smile up at him.

“That you are,” He yawns and I nudge him.

“Sleep,” I demand, grabbing his hand and pulling him into bed, following him and curling into his side.

“Fine, but you don’t need to stay. You already slept.” He closes his eyes and curls closer.

“Shush, maybe I am also exhausted,” I smirk, reiterating his words back to him. He smiles and lets a puff of air through his nose. 

This time I let him put his head on my chest and I start to scratch his head, running my hands through his hair (it’s soft. Everything about Baz is soft when he is like this.) It doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep, and I somehow find it in me to drift off as well. 

____________

“You know we are going to need to recruit at least Penny to help us,” Baz says the following week over dinner. “If not also Shepard. We could use his conspiracy brain in this situation.”

We’d been trying to figure out how to get more evidence that David killed my mother. Or at least had someone kill her. How can two teenagers figure out and help catch a murderer? It feels very scooby gang of us; like maybe we will unmask David and find that he wasn’t even my father after all of these years. It’s just a monster with a David mask on. (That would be too good to be true and I know it.)

I know it’ll be helpful to have more people involved, but I don’t want to cause any trouble for anyone else. 

Also, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping that it was all some elaborate prank. 

David has left me alone since our discussion that morning, which worries me. Not that I mind, but it could mean another storm is coming, or it could mean things have calmed down and I will live to see another day. I'm never sure which one it'll be. 

“I know,” I sigh, dropping my fork beside my plate. It’s roast beef tonight- my favorite. It’ll never top my mom’s of course- but it’s nice nonetheless. “She can come up with some great ideas, I'm sure. I’m just not ready to tell her everything yet.”

“Penny doesn’t know?” Baz frowns. “I thought for sure she did- she sounded so worried about you over the summer. I assumed she was worried for the same reasons I was.”

“Not everything. I know she doesn’t like him, but I think if she knew  _ everything _ she would hate him a lot more.” I lean back and scan the cafeteria. I wonder where she and Shepard are anyway. 

“Penny and Shepard are working on their college apps tonight,” Baz answers my unvoiced thoughts. 

“Ah,” I nod. “I probably should too.”

“We can do that later if you’d like.” 

“I would love you forever.”

“Well, when you put it that way then I guess we have to,” Baz smirks. 

____________

“Okay, Simon,” Penny says, pacing my room. “We have to tell an adult.”

“I just worry about how he may sway them.” I shrug. “I’m just a kid, and they closed the case a long time ago. They may not listen to me if I don’t have solid evidence. A phone call no one else witnessed is too easy to dismiss.”

I finally told Penny another week after that. The first quarter has come and gone, there have been no more leads, phone calls, or anything of use to us. I assumed Penny would go off about it, but she took everything a lot better than I thought. Penny is a fierce and loyal person, so she immediately got up and started pacing and planning an attack. 

Why didn’t I tell her sooner?

“Who is an adult you can trust then?” She turns to me and puts her hands on her hips. “Because we don’t have the arsenal to do this.”

“My parents?” Baz intervenes from behind her. I nod in agreement. 

“Yeah- they’re the ones that gave me the phone and such so I could have a way to get around David,” I say. “They’d be the only ones I could feel comfortable talking to about this.”  _ Maybe _ , says the voice in my head. 

“And do you think they’d help, Baz?” Penny turns to him. 

“Of course, I’ve offered their help before, but Simon refused.”

“I don’t want them to get involved and potentially to get hurt! I’m not letting him hurt your parents.” I feel it is a valid fear in this situation. Baz has already lost his mom, I don’t want him to lose any other family. 

“They’ll be okay, trust me.” Baz steps around Penny and reaches for me. “Please let us help.” He pleads. 

I feel something tight in the back of my throat, so I nod. Baz kisses my forehead (Penny silently gags in the background.) 

“How about we talk to them over fall break? They’re coming to get me so maybe we could have dinner before heading out.” He suggests. 

“Okay.” I agree. 

“Good.” Penny comes and gives me a hug. “I wish you had said something sooner, but I’m glad I know now.” 

“Thanks, Pen,” I squeeze her tight. “I really appreciate it.”

“I love you, Simon,” She puts her forehead on my shoulder. “Baz and I will make sure you’re not alone. Maybe I can bug you during your shifts at the office.”

“Oh god, I would never subject you to that.” I lean back and look at her like she is crazy. “It’s crazy boring. Come visit me at Ebb’s instead. Then at least you can pet baby goats.”

“Oh yes!” She quickly turns to Baz. “Can we? I’ll drag Shepard with us too. I’d LOVE to see Simon with the animals. I can’t believe we haven’t done this yet.”

“Speak for yourself, I’ve visited him several times,” Baz smirks. 

“Oh no- we cannot get into that.” I look frantically at Baz.

“Get into what?” Penny looks between us. “What happened?”

“Simon slipped and fell in horse poop so I brought him extra pants.” Baz chuckles. 

“You said you’d never tell!” I am laughing too, but I know my cheeks are red from embarrassment. 

“Oh YES.” Penny laughs. “Now we are definitely coming to visit you.”

I groan and collapse on my bed.  _ I love my friends. I love my friends. _ I think to myself repeatedly while Baz and Penny both cackle next to me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Songs mentioned:  
> St. Elmo’s Fire- John Parr  
> Modern Love- David Bowie  
> I’m a believer- The Monkees. 
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> Also, I've got some playlists.. if you wanna see them. 
> 
> [If Not For You](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=anJqH18CQpifz08Z-aOfqw)
> 
> [Simon's Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=9L1A19J7Tmeg5CqmlLaymg)
> 
> [It's Chemistry](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=6Lko8MtTSDyIBAP_RX1ZmQ)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visiting Simon at the petting zoo and dinner with the Grimms. 
> 
> Simon has to figure out if he is going to trust an adult enough to tell them what's happening.  
> Without any concrete proof, does he feel like he can?
> 
> (Fall 2020 pt 3)

Sure enough, Penny stays true to her word and shows up at my next shift at Ebb’s petting zoo. I’m helping fill more baby bottles so people can feed the baby goats when I see her, Shep, and Baz walk up. 

“We would like three bottles please!” She beams at me and pulls out three dollars.

“How is everything going?” I ask while grabbing the bottles and placing them on the counter. 

“Great!” Penny answers, grabbing all three, leaving both Baz and Shepard confused. “Baz got attacked by a chicken.”

“It was behind a fence, Bunce.” Baz sneers, reaching to grab one from her arms (and failing.) “There was no attack.”

“Well, you certainly jumped far enough back that it may as well have.” She laughs (His cheeks are red, and I’m immediately regretting not being with them through this journey.) “When are you off Simon?”

“I’ve got another two hours- will you still be around?” I’m hopeful because it’d be nice to walk around with them.

“Judging by how impeccably slow both of them are going I think we could be here all day.” Baz rolls his eyes but then smiles at me before walking away to follow Penny and Shepard who are running towards the goat pen. 

I continue doing my work, selling and filling bottles, when I hear Shepard squeal after a goat tries to eat the hem of his shirt. Penny is laughing at him and Baz is leaning against the fence, looking at me. I can’t help but smile and give him a wink, which he quickly returns. 

“Friends of yours?” Ebb asks. She always sneaks up on me. I swear I jumped out of my skin. 

“Yeah,” I answer after catching my breath.

“Who is the tall dark and handsome one you keep making eyes at?” She smirks, reaching around to check out the cash register. 

“Uh,” I cough. “His name is Baz. He’s my- my boyfriend actually.”

“I had a feeling. He seems like a sweet guy.” She smiles at me, slipping a twenty into the register and pulling out the same amount in ones and fives. “Does he treat you well?”

“Better than well.” I smile at her. 

“Good,” She kisses my cheek and gives me a hug. “You deserve that level of happiness.”

“Thanks,” I say, not sure how to respond. Ebb and I have gotten pretty close, and she nurtures me more than she does anyone else. She’s nothing but sweet and loving, and it’s nice to have an adult like that in my life. 

I wonder, for a moment, if I should tell her everything that is going on. Maybe she’d be the trusted adult in my life who could help me out of this situation. 

I quickly drop the idea. She’d worry so much, and I don’t want those two worlds to intertwine. I’d hate to see what would happen to her if she found out about David. 

“Why don’t you take off early?” She says, “I can take over here, and then you can hang out with your  _ boyfriend _ .” She winks at me. “You could have a fun time, I can barely hear my own thoughts over the volume of you thinking so hard anyway."

“Huh? I’m not-”

“Oh shush,” She waves me off. “You don’t have to say what you’re thinking, I know there seems to be something on your mind that you can’t shake. Maybe a few hours with your friends could help you out.” She pushes me aside, and I know it isn’t a debate. 

“Thanks, Ebb,” I pull off my apron and run out to Baz, who is waiting on the outside of the goat pen. 

“Hey there,” I smile up at him. “Didn’t want to be with the goats anymore?”

“One tried to eat my jeans,” He looks down at them, frowning. “They’re too expensive. Also, I’d rather be with you.” He reaches forward and pulls me close to him. 

“Can’t say I would complain about that.” I hug him tight. Penny screams in the background- something about her hair. I can’t help but chuckle and pull away from Baz again. 

“We should probably save them,” I say. 

“Eh,” He turns to glance their way. Penny is pulling her hair up to keep it from the goats, Shepard is laughing at her, and she hits his shoulder, knocking him to the ground. “They did nothing but laugh when the chicken went after me, so I have no pity.”

“So you admit the chickens had it out for you?” I raise my eyebrow in a typical Baz move. 

“We should go get ice cream, Snow.” He says, ignoring my question. 

“Nice change in subject,” I gently bump his shoulder then turn to shout at Penny and Shepard. “Hey, let’s go get ice cream! I got off early!”

“Oh thank god, yes.” Penny stands up and throws her bottle in the bin by the gate and Shepard dusts off his pants and follows. 

“Can we see the llamas next?” He asks as we make our way down. “Or the alpacas? Maybe one will spit at Baz.”

“I beg your pardon?” Baz frowns at Shepard. 

“Oh yes,” I laugh. “Let’s do it.”

It’s kind of cold out now, so Baz wanting ice cream is a feat of itself. His sweet tooth will always take precedence, I guess. We end up walking the length of the little petting zoo that there is, and make our way back to the entrance. 

“Hey Simon,” Shepard says, stopping next to me. “Can we talk for a second?”

“For sure Shep.” I pause, not sure where this is going. 

“I’ll go grab the car,” Baz says, Penny following his lead. They both seem to be in on something I’m not. 

“I wanted to let you know your dad and I talked the other day.” He looks at the ground for a moment. 

“Uh- okay?” I’m confused. He’s the dean- he talks to a lot of students. It’s probably not a big deal. 

“He was saying that he was worried about you. That you might be getting involved with the wrong people and that I needed to keep an eye out for you.” Shepard looks back up at me. “Is that true?”

“Definitely not,” Is David fucking  _ kidding _ me. “My friends are all right here, so unless you think you are the bad type of crowd, then I think I’m alright.”

“I didn’t think it was,” Shepard frowns a bit. 

“Did he say anything else?” It definitely feels like there is more to this than what he is saying. 

“Uh, yeah,” Shepard glances to the parking lot, I can already see Baz and Penny getting into the car and the brake lights turn on. “It was almost like he was fishing for more information about you? And he wanted me to keep meeting up with him to give him information. It felt weird- is everything okay?” 

“Oh man is that a loaded question.” I chuckle a bit. “You could probably guess how things are going.”

“It’s just- I don’t know. I assume parents always have the best for their kids, but I don’t feel good about it.” He shrugs. “Not to say he is doing anything bad, of course.” He puts his hands up in defense. “I don’t know the full situation, and I know you don’t often talk about him. So I’ve always avoided him as a topic. But I mentioned it to Baz and Penny and they looked worried and said I needed to tell you.”

At that moment Baz pulls up, Penny in the passenger seat, and I can see him glance in our direction. I wave and then motion for Shepard to follow. 

“Well, I guess we have some catching up to do Shep.” I tap him on the shoulder as we walk. Penny gets out of the front seat so I can sit there, and he slides in before she gets in the back seat. 

So I tell him everything on the drive home. Baz fills in the gaps when I start to go quiet, thinking of it all, but Shepard absorbs it all and responds in horror and is quick to join in on trying to help me through the situation. Shepard is a good guy, I feel bad he’s getting dragged into the situation.

But I am so glad to have him on my side. 

“I’ve got my family coming to town here in a couple of weeks, so hopefully we can get their help too. In the meantime, Snow needs to stay close to us all.” Baz says, turning off the car and getting out. 

“Good,” Shepard gets out and gives me a hug. Well, one of those dude hugs where you pat the others back three times. “I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Shep.” 

That’s when I see Penny stifling tears behind him. 

“Wait- what’s wrong?” I reach out to her and she half-smiles at me. 

“I love you, Simon,” She says. “I wish I could take you away from this. You deserve so much better.”

“Oh Penny,” I hug her tight, feeling tears well up in my own eyes. I look at Baz and can see his face starting to pile up with emotions too. Who knew a trip to the petting zoo would cause so many tears? “I love you too, it’ll all be okay though. You know that, right?”

“There isn’t a way to know Simon.” She pulls back to look up at me through wet eyelashes. “I can only hope whatever we plan out puts him away. What he is trying to do with Shepard has me so worried.”

“It’ll be okay.” I squeeze her hand. “I’ve got the smartest kids here on the case.” She laughs a bit and wipes her eyes and heads towards her own dorm after waving goodbye. 

Shepard, Baz, and I walk up to our floor and go our separate ways after brief goodbyes. When I get inside our room Baz kisses me softly. 

“We are going to make sure nothing happens to you.” He whispers, forehead touching mine. 

“My saviors,” I chuckle. 

“Definitely not.” He laughs back, softly kissing me again. 

I think if I did get to choose a way to go, it would be this. Kissing Baz. 

**____________**

Two weeks go by and we have fall break. Baz’s parents are coming up to visit and take him to New York City for the weekend. They’re taking us both out for dinner first though, and Baz wants to talk to them about everything going on with David. 

“Okay, so I know they are leaving the little ones behind with Vera,” Vera is their housekeeper and nanny. She seems delightful. “So we should be okay talking about it all.” He takes a deep breath, straightening out his shirt. “Are you ready?”

“I feel like an idiot,” I say, checking myself out in the mirror. Baz says his parents are taking us out to a really nice restaurant, so we need to dress nicely. This means he pushed me into a suit. It’s one of his so the pants are a little long, and the jacket is a little tight, but he seems to like it regardless. 

“You look gorgeous,” He kisses my cheek. I look over at him and my breath catches. 

“See now,” I turn and put my hands on my hips. I feel like Penny. “You don’t get to say that and look like that.” I gesture to all of him. “I can’t compare, frankly.” 

“Well thanks, Snow,” He adjusts his jacket. I may be stuck in a grey suit, but he is wearing an emerald green one. I would look like a nightmare, but of course he pulls it off. “But I must say, seeing you in a suit is really doing it for me.”

Well, now I am blushing. 

“Let’s go,” Baz checks his phone. “They’re here.”

So we go down the stairs, me trying hard (and failing) to not check out Baz’s absolute everything in this outfit. 

When we get downstairs I see Daphne and Malcolm in their car and we move to join them. 

“Hello Simon,” Daphne turns around when I join Baz in the back seat. “How are you doing?”

“Great, thanks.” I smile at her. “How are you?”

“I’m great, can’t say I’m not enjoying time without the little ones.” She smiles at me and turns back around. 

We spend the time talking about school and college applications. With everything going around it’s easy to forget that there is this whole natural progression of life moving us forward as well. Before we know it we are going to start getting letters either accepting, waitlisting, or declining our applications. 

It’s only the rest of our lives- no big deal. 

Dinner starts off great, but it’s hard not to be happy about really good food. 

“Before dessert arrives,” Baz says, glancing over at me. I guess it’s time. I take a big gulp of water, feeling my heart race increase “Simon and I wanted to talk to you about something. I hope that you really listen to us, and can help us in some way.”

“What’s going on?” Malcolm’s brows furrow. 

“Well,” I start to fiddle with my napkin, but then Baz grabs my hand. “It has to do with my dad.” 

“Ah,” Daphne leans closer to listen carefully. 

I cough, feeling awkward about doing this in a public space. Almost like he is going to pop out at any moment. 

My heart is pounding and my hands feel sweaty, and I realize I can’t do this. Not yet. I’m too afraid to tell anyone, even Baz’s family. They’ve helped me so much, but what if I am wrong? Really I don’t have enough information to get into. If they asked me any questions my case would fall apart immediately. 

Baz clears his throat and I jump into action. 

“He is trying to fundraise money to help remodel and expand one of his shelters.” I know Baz is going to kill me, but I can’t. I can’t do it. “I hate to ask, but we were trying to figure out ways to help. I work in one of the shelters, and seeing it get so overcrowded breaks my heart. These kids deserve better is all.”

I pointedly don’t look at Baz. His hand is stiff and then he pulls away. 

“Oh! Well, we’d love to help in whatever way we can. Right, Malcolm?” Daphne turns to him. 

“Yeah, of course.” Malcolm is looking at Baz, almost like he knows that something else is going on. “Just give us contact information we need for donation.”

“Thanks,” I’m tense, but I try to seem calm.

Baz and I don’t acknowledge each other for the rest of dinner. 

**____________**

They drop me back off at the dorm and Baz tells his parents that he forgot to grab something. 

I know it’s because he wants to yell at me. 

“What the fuck was that?” He snaps as soon as the door closes behind us. 

“I couldn’t do it!” I am pulling my hair. “I’m so stressed out about it. We need actual evidence.”

“Well, how do you expect to get it without help?” His jaw is clenched and I think if this was a year ago he would punch me. 

He might anyway. 

“I have an idea. Please trust me.” I step closer and hope he calms down. 

“I trust you,” He replies. “But I don’t trust him. What if he does something?”

“Then we can work to fix it. But for now, I need you to go have fun with your family. I’ll be okay- and we can work on it when you get back. Okay?”

He takes a deep breath and nods his head, then grabs his extra charger and leaves. 

I know he is upset, but I can’t pull anyone else into this until I get some final proof. So I text David that I’m back in my room, change into pajamas, and then play music quietly on my speaker. 

I pull my blanket above my head and let an Arcade Fire cover lull me to sleep, hoping dreams will help save me from the current pit in my stomach. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Songs mentioned:  
> Rebellion (Lies)- Benjamin Francis Leftwich (Arcade Fire cover)
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> Also please feel free to check out my playlists! (They've been linked in previous chapters)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon gets confrontational, Baz worries, and Simon goes looking for evidence.
> 
> (Fall 2020 pt 4)

The weekend goes by pretty quietly. I didn’t hear from David a single time, which was nice. Baz and I didn’t talk much, however. He left upset, and it was my fault, and I spent most of the weekend wracking my brain with how to fix it. I should have told his parents, I just chickened out. 

Hopefully we can work it out when he returns. 

Currently I’m trying to clean out our room, as I holed up here all weekend. Ebb told me to take a break this weekend like everyone else, so I didn’t have her work to count on getting me out of the house. The zoo is closed to customers since it’s getting so cold out, but I am still helping with the animals and maintenance. 

I am wearing my mom’s sweatshirt I took with me when we moved. I’m trying to be better about having her around me. Most of her stuff is at the house up north still in boxes. I decided to bring this sweatshirt with me this semester though. It’s a faded red and says Six Flags St. Louis on it with a couple of stars. I’m lucky she bought it large, or else it would be snug on me. For now, it fits well, so I hope that I don’t grow much more. 

As I start to make my bed I hear the key in the door and take a deep breath, bracing myself for what is next. 

“Hey,” I say softly, turning to face him. He looks really tired as he rolls his bag in. He’s got his black coat on (he is probably freezing), joggers and his converse. If I wasn’t afraid of what might come out of his mouth, I’d be on him. 

“Hey,” He says, closing the door. “Cleaning _and_ making your bed?” He half smirks at me, trying to act like everything is normal and we are fine. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Only the best for you,” I wink, trying to take the same route as him. Maybe we are going to pretend the fight never happened. I can be non-confrontational if he wants me to. “But really, it was awful in here- I had to do it or I think you may have run far away from me.” 

“Oh god, I’m glad I was gone then.” He takes his coat off, revealing a long-sleeved red shirt. I laugh.

“We kind of match.” I point between us. 

God, it still feels awkward. Maybe I can’t be non-confrontational. 

“I guess we do then.” He leans over his desk to grab a book and pushes himself on his bed and opens it. 

It’s silent for a few minutes. He reads and I just stand there awkwardly. 

“Hey, Baz?” I say, wincing a bit. This isn’t going to be easy, but I have to do something. I can’t stand this. 

He hums back in acknowledgment. 

“Can we talk?” 

“About?” He flips a page. I want to shake him. 

“About this weekend.”

“What about this weekend?”

“Jesus Christ Baz,” I reach over and grab his book and he stares at me. “You are obviously mad. Please just yell at me, punch me, scream at me, whatever. I can’t take the silent treatment or not be able to talk to you. I can’t do this.” My eyes are tearing up- why am I getting so emotional already?

Wait- I do know. Deep down that is. I have a father who is the king of manipulation. He will do whatever he can to make sure I apologize, and it always fucking works. I eventually come to him and apologize for being an idiot, the piece of shit he always believes me to be. 

I can’t have that from Baz. I can’t be afraid of things like this happening every time something goes wrong. We need to  _ talk _ .

“Yes, Snow, I am mad.” He sits up and looks at me and moves his hands in exasperation. “I want to help you but it’s like you won’t let me.”

“I do- I am!” I shout back. “You have to realize I need to have more evidence.”

“But they can help us with that!” He is frustrated and I don’t blame him. 

“I’m sorry- okay?” I drop my hands and my voice. “I’m sorry. I know you wanted this to work out and I messed everything up. Your parents are great, and I want to trust them. But, Baz, I just can’t. My mom was the only one I could trust, and even she had her problems. But growing up with David as a dad, I learned young not to trust many adults. I once told someone at school what he was doing and they laughed and told him I was being dramatic. David was left alone with me for the weekend and I went the whole time without food. He said I was ungrateful and didn't deserve it.” I sigh to try and calm down. “I was seven years old, and I learned not only do parents punish their kids by taking away their food and basic needs, but the adults you thought would help actually won’t.”

Baz is watching me break apart. I hadn’t actually told anyone about that weekend. When mom had gotten back from her weekend away I didn’t want her to worry. I also worried about what David would do if I did say anything. When Baz doesn’t speak I continue.

“And as much as I want to convict him, there is a part of me that still hopes what I heard isn’t true. Maybe I am being dramatic like he always says.” I shrug. “I need to prove this to myself just as much as I need to with everyone else.” I take another shaky breath, and my voice gets smaller. “You don’t need to help, I realize it is frustrating and I don’t want to put you through that. I can take care of this myself- it’s okay.”

“Simon-” He’s off his bed and next to me. I didn’t even realize he moved. 

“I’m sorry for putting you through all of this, I know it’s a lot. If I can fix it or help you or do anything else to make all of this up to you I will.” He grabs my face so I look at him. 

“Simon, listen to me.” Baz says, staring intensely into my eyes. I stop talking immediately, and I assume the worst. He’s finally going to take this window of opportunity and end everything with me. I don’t blame him. “I’m sorry for not understanding better before. I didn’t do a very good job of thinking how this all may feel through your eyes. I just want to take him down and make sure you don’t get hurt anymore. I understand and I’m going to help you- okay?”

I blink, a tear coming from my eye. I guess it’s time to cry in front of Baz again. He pulls me close, and I put my forehead on his shoulder. 

“I love you, Simon.” He whispers, I love it when he calls me Simon. 

“I love you too Baz,” I reply, my voice muffled in his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s fine- I’m sorry for being so cold.” He leans back a bit to look at me. Everything is blurry, but I can always see his grey eyes. “I’m going to help you. You don’t have to be alone.”

____________

“Do you feel comfortable with the plan?” Penny asks. 

“Yes Pen,” I sigh. “It’s not that hard.”

“Sneaking into the Dean’s office isn’t hard? I feel like you must be lying. If it was easy people would be pulling pranks every damn day.” She replies. 

“I just mean, it isn’t as bad as you think it’ll be. Besides I doubt we will find anything. I’m sure it’ll be more likely that we find something at the house or whatever.”

“That’s part two then,” She says looking at Baz. “We can be nearby and help you dig through his stuff over Christmas break.”

I sigh. 

“Do you have your phone, Simon?” Baz asks. He’s especially nervous because he is done with finals and his parents are coming to take him home, so he won’t be here immediately after. They wouldn’t let him stay any longer. I just took my last one, Penny has her last one this afternoon, and Shepard is already on his flight back to Omaha. 

“Yes.” I look around before pulling out the phone he gave me so many months ago. “I’m all set.”

“Okay. Let us know how it goes okay?” Baz leans forward. “I expect a call immediately.”

“Of course. I’ll text the group chat.” I wink. Baz hates the group chat. 

“Please god delete the group chat.” He groans, leaning back again. 

“Oh never.” Penny chimes in. “Why on Earth would we?”

“It’s annoying and none of the information pertains to me,” Baz says. 

“I’m sorry give me a second.” She looks down and sends a text. A few seconds after we both get a notification. 

“Oh my god YES,” I say a little too loudly when I see what she sent. 

“I am blocking your number.” Baz puts his phone down and closes his eyes while we laugh. 

Penny had sent a picture of a basil leaf, and I love it so much. 

“Wait-” I choke out. “Is Basil  _ leaf _ -ing the group chat?” Penny squeals, Baz groans. 

“I regret everything- I hope this seat swallows me up.” He bites out. 

This is what I need before I go into the office. I’ve got one last shift today, and David said he wasn’t going to be around because he has a meeting off campus today. Therefore, I am taking this as an opportunity to look for more evidence. I’ve got a key to his office so I can check his computer and his desk to see if there are any suspicious checks or anything incriminating.

I don’t expect to find much. 

But we devised this plan after Thanksgiving break, so it was too late for me to check at the house, so this is the next best option. I’ll check the house over Christmas at least, and if I don’t find anything we will look elsewhere. 

“Okay well it’s time to go,” I say- wiping a tear from laughter from the corner of my eye. “Text me when you get back home- okay?” I ask them both. 

“For sure,” Penny replies at the same time Baz says “I’ll probably be texting you before then.”

“I love you,” I say and Baz smiles back.

“I love you too. Please be safe.” He says softly.

“Oh, gross stop.” Penny groans.

“Oh shush Penny,” I say, poking her side and making her squeal. 

And then I’m off. 

**____________**

It doesn’t take long for the other office lady to leave, probably itching to get break started. So I can work on looking through the office. As I was doing my daily list of things to do, I started to work. I checked the files and such, but knew it would lead nowhere. Who would leave documents saying they hired to kill their wife out in the open? An idiot- that’s who. 

When I get into his office my adrenaline spikes. Maybe this isn’t as easy as I thought it would be? I suddenly wish Penny and Baz were here with me. Aren’t these types of things supposed to be done with a lookout? Shepard would have done well at that. He could talk anyone into distraction. 

Sitting at David’s computer, I realize I don’t know his password, so I look through his desk first. There are a few of the usual things. Notepads, reminders (one for a reminder to touch base with Shepard. I guess he was still planning to get him to spy on me), and a few mints. I pop one in my mouth out of nerves, not realizing I’m doing it until it’s already in my mouth. 

When I’m at his bottom drawer I realize it isn’t as deep as I thought it would be, so I move a few things around and realize there is a hidden compartment. I take a deep breath and open it up and find a file inside of it. If crime shows have taught me anything, this can’t lead somewhere good. 

It’s a plain manilla folder, nothing exciting. But when I open it my hands start to shake. It has invoices and some emails printed off. It makes me queasy to realize the email he is using isn't one I recognize. Does he have a secret email server? I didn't think a Dean of students would need a secret email server...

Nothing seems clear until I find an email thread, and a message saying something has been done. Flipping through I finally find the beginning where they are given basic details, and realize the message is describing my mother. There is an attached picture, thankfully of when she was alive, letting them know this is what the target looked like. 

In the very back of the folder, I find something else, divorce papers.  _ What? _ I think. When I get to the last page of the packet I realize they’ve been signed by my mother, but not David. 

_ This must be why he did it. _

I slide everything back in and slide the envelope into the front of my pants and flatten out the shirt and sweatshirt I am wearing to try and cover it up. You never know who might show up. I start closing drawers and putting everything back as it was when I hear something at the door. 

_ Fuck _ . I start acting fast, trying to rush out. I assume it is a janitor or something- but I can’t risk anyone assuming and telling David I was rifling through his things. 

When I run out of the office I bump into a figure who then immediately grabs me and holds me upright. 

“Woah there- everything okay?” David asks. 

“Yeah- yeah. Sorry.” I take a deep breath. My heart is racing. Please tell me he doesn’t notice. “You’re back early.”

“Yeah, thought we could go ahead and head out. I hear there is supposed to be snow so I want to beat it, especially while it’s still daytime.” He looks around. “Why were you in my office? I didn’t think you had anything to do in there?”

“I was just wiping down your desk- there something going around so I was trying to clean.” I lie. “I hope that’s okay.”

“Oh,” He says, “Yeah, thanks, son.” He pats me on the shoulder. “Let’s get going okay? Are you all packed?”

“Yup!” I say, then take out my phone. 

Three Idiots and Penny

Thursday, December 17th, 2:13 pm

We need to talk as soon as 

I am alone. I found something 

in his desk. I’m deleting this 

message so there is no risk of 

him seeing it. Please do not reply 

saying anything just in case.

Be safe. 

Then I follow him out and leave for break with the man I have confirmed killed my mother. This is going to go well, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks so much for reading :). I hope you are enjoying so far. I know we are getting into the thick of stuff, so I'm sorry there isn't as much fluff (I promise there will still be sweet moments ahead!)
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon goes home after discovering some things about David. How is he going to get out of the house and to Baz without David becoming suspicious?
> 
> (Christmas 2020 pt 1)

Baz Pitch: Boyfriend Extraordinaire

Friday, December 18th 2020, 12:42 am

are you awake?

Yes.

can we talk?

On the phone or via text?

probably best over text. 

David is asleep but I don’t 

want to wake him up.

I’m here.

And relieved you are okay.

I had waited all night to text Baz. I didn’t want to use the cellphone David gave me, worried he may go through the texts. This seems the better option at least, but I still had to wait for him to be asleep. 

He snores pretty loudly so it’s easy to know. 

I tell Baz everything I found in David’s office, and we start to come up with a plan. I’ve got everything hidden beneath the dirty clothes in my bag now in the hopes he won’t find it by accident. We need to act quickly, but also without sparking suspicion. David is a bomb, and at the first sign of something going on, he can explode. 

It’s about 3 am when we finally decide to go to bed and continue the conversations the next day. Baz, of course, wants to come and get me right away, but I know we have to be casual about this to not set him off. If Baz shows up and whisks me away (as much as I may secretly want that), David could sense what is going on and try to cover it up or twist the story in his favor. I don’t want to risk anything. 

It’s not like I haven’t spent the night in the same house as him before. 

**____________**

In the morning things go as I’d have thought. We both sleep in a bit, I cook some food, and David does some work. I reach out to Brian to start picking up some shifts, but I mainly take some time to figure out what to do next. 

“Hey dad,” I say, walking into the living room where he sits on his laptop. “I was wondering if I could visit Baz sometime over break?”

“That’s a pretty far drive don’t you think?” He doesn’t look up from his computer to respond. “You don’t want to impose on his family. He already lives with you during the school year- he probably needs a break.”

“Well- they had asked me to,” I say quietly. “I guess they do this big New Year's party. And they live closer to school than we do, so they could bring me up a couple of days after. So it’d be no problem.”

“Ah,” He closes his computer and turns to me. “So you don’t want to spend the holidays with your own family?”

“No, tha-that’s not what I meant.” _Fuck_. “They invited me so I wanted to ask.”

“Well, it sounds like you think I don’t matter, despite everything I’ve done for you.” He raises an eyebrow. I take a deep sigh to try to compose myself. 

“We haven’t ever done anything before- do you have plans this year?” This plan is going to be harder than I thought. I thought I could find an easy way to get out and see Baz. New Year's Eve isn’t that far away, and we never do anything. 

“I might want to do something.” He purses his lips. “Take a seat, Simon. We need to talk about something.”

I move to sit on the couch and wait for him to continue. 

“The Grimms aren’t a good family.” He says, “They’re trying their hardest to pull me away from this school because they think that my policies are degrading the quality of the school. I know you like them, and you like Baz, but I think they are using you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“They aren’t trying to use me.” I know he is lying- this is what he does best. But I didn’t know they were trying to remove him from the school. He needs to be, for sure, but I’m surprised Baz hadn’t said anything. 

“You’re young and naive Simon.” He turns and opens his computer again. “I don’t want you spending time with them anymore. I can’t let them clog up your brain with crazy ideas.”

But then how am I going to get the paperwork to them?

“Well, that’s going to be hard considering I live with Baz.” I challenge. 

“That can be changed. In fact, I’m working on finding you a new roommate next semester.” 

“What? No! I like Baz. He is great.” I try not to say anything that might indicate how I really feel, but he can’t take him away from me. “He and I get along, he is clean, and I only have one more semester left of school. What is the point of switching rooms?” 

“That’s what he wants you to think, Simon.” He says, “Now go clean the kitchen or something.” He waves me off. 

Time for a plan B I guess. 

**____________**

“He doesn’t want me to see you anymore Baz,” I say over the phone. David is gone for the day, so I can talk freely to Baz without worry. 

“Of course he doesn’t.” Baz sighs. “I’m the thing that could threaten the control he has over you.”

“He says your family is trying to get him fired.”

“Well, technically you are too.” I can’t see it, but I know he has a smirk on his face. 

“Fair point.” I sigh and lie down on my bed. “But how else am I going to get down to see you?”

“Worst case scenario you send me pictures and I can take care of the rest,” Baz replies. “The second I explain it to my parents I’ll come to get you myself. It’ll be a breakout operation- I bet I could get Penny and Shepard in on it.”

“Shepard is in Omaha, I doubt you could get him to help.”

“I think danger junkie would be more than willing to fly back early to break you out. He’d love it.” Baz laughs. 

“I guess you’re right.” I feel defeated- every time I think I’ve got it, David finds a way to block me. I don’t feel comfortable staying here anymore- I need to get out. Before something worse happens. 

“Are you sleeping alright?” Baz asks. He knows I’ve had issues lately, nightmares pouring back into my dreams. 

“As best as usual.” I shrug, then yawn giving away how sleepy I am. 

“You should take a nap.” He suggests.

“I don’t want to get off the phone. Not yet.” I turn to my side and curl around the phone. “Just tell me about your siblings.”

“What about them?”

“Literally anything. What trouble are they causing? Have they tortured you at all lately?” I ask. 

He begins to talk and I relax, listening to stories of how Mordelia constantly barges in without asking, how he keeps singing the babies to sleep when they wake up in the middle of the night, and learning to drive stick shift from Daphne. 

I’m not sure how long we are on the phone, so I must lose track of time because I hear a cough in the doorway. Immediately I jump up and throw the phone down. 

“What’s going on?” David raises an eyebrow and walks to my bed and picks up the phone. “Did you get a new phone today? I don’t remember you having an iPhone.”

Then he realizes that Baz is still on the phone. He looks at me for a moment, obviously thinking through what he is going to do. When he makes his decision, his face calms into something more stoic than normal, and he raises the phone to his ear. 

“Hello,” He calmly- _too calmly_. “My son knows for a fact he isn’t supposed to be talking to you anymore, yet he is on the phone with you right now. You can trust that he will _not_ be reaching out again. Have a nice night.” He then hangs up. I’m trying to think of a good lie when he walks over to my desk and grabs the phone he bought me. 

“Two phones?” His volume is getting louder. “You’ve got two fucking phones? Did you seriously buy yourself a phone just to sneak around?” 

“I-” I start, but he quickly cuts me off. 

“Actually I don’t want to know. It’s obvious what has happened here. I can’t trust you. You’re going behind my back- probably working with the Grimm-Pitch family to take me down.” He puts both phones in his pockets. “Well trust me on this- you won’t be communicating with _anyone_. Your phones, your computer, and everything else you could use is mine now. I already told your old boss at the hardware store you wouldn’t be able to work this break, and you won’t be going to the shelter either. I hope you’re ready to do nothing but stay in this fucking room all break.”

He continues to rant at me as he tears my room apart. My bed is upturned, closet torn apart, bags gone through, and I can’t do anything to stop it. Not that I don’t try- but I’m quickly pushed to the ground, and after hitting my head on the edge of the bed I get far too dizzy to do much more. 

I can only hope he doesn’t search the bag I brought home from Watford.

“I swear to god if I find anything else in this house that proves you are working with them it’s not going to end well for you.” He points a finger at me and grabs my computer and both phones from the room, slamming the door shut after him. 

I move to the mattress, which is now on the floor, and lie down, willing for my head to stop hurting, and for my gut to calm down. I feel like I could throw up any second now. I pull a blanket over my head and curl up into myself and hope for all the emotional and physical pain to end. 

**____________**

I wake up in the morning to the sound of a drill and the light starting to dim outside my window. I wince in pain at the light coming through, and I wonder if I got a concussion from hitting the bed. I move to get up and look to see what is happening outside of the window, despite the pounding going on in my head. What I do see is David, on a ladder, paying no attention to me, and currently drilling wooden planks into the side of the house. All to make sure I can’t escape through the window. 

Apparently he wasn’t kidding when he said I wouldn’t be communicating with anyone over break. I can’t even see people walk outside our house, or get sunlight. The dog I have been bonding with since we moved in will be sad when I don’t run out to give it a treat this morning. 

I take a deep sigh and walk to my door to go to the bathroom, but when I turn the handle, it doesn’t budge. _What the fuck?_

I try again- and nothing. 

So I bend down and look to see if maybe I locked the door or something, but realize there was never a lock on the door. The handle looks different. It used to be a sort of glass handle, an attempt to look fancy by the previous owners I am sure, but now it is a sort of brassy gold color. Plain and unoriginal. 

David must have replaced the handle and made sure it would be locked from the outside. 

“What the fuck?” I whisper to myself, looking around my room to see if he has taken anything else. The last board to the window is placed up and I quickly run to my bag to look for the envelope. 

_Please still be here,_ I think. 

I sign out of relief when I see it still at the bottom of the bag and quickly cover it up. Shortly after I hear the lock and the door opens. 

“Good morning.” He says, and I look up at him from the floor. “Looks like you have some cleaning to do.” 

I choose not to respond. I watch carefully to see what he is going to do next. 

“You’re not to leave this room. I will let you use the restroom a couple of times a day, but otherwise there is no getting out. We will revisit you returning to school at the end of break- but right now I’m leaning towards homeschooling. I cannot trust you anymore Simon. You’ve greatly disappointed me and broke my trust.” He moves to the side. “You have five minutes to get cleaned up. 

So I do, and as I do so I wonder how I’m going to get out of this. Did he mention anything about food? I cannot live without any kind of food over break- so he has to feed me, right?

I wonder if this is how Rapunzel felt? Is David some kind of weird Mother Gothel? 

I guess he doesn’t have to if he wants me to have the same end as mom (but I hope it doesn’t get like that. I don’t know how he could make my death look like an accident too.) 

As I brush my teeth in the eerie silence of the bathroom, I realize if he finds a way to open the phone Baz gave me, I’m completely fucked. 

How am I going to get out of this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is rapunzel, Baz comes to the rescue, Fiona is a menace.
> 
> (Christmas 2020 pt 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! There is a bit where Simon and Baz are texting on the same device so jsyk Simon is the bold text and Baz is the italicized text :).

The next day I spend staring at the ceiling, and trying not to let myself break down like my body so desperately wants to. If I break then he wins and he  _ can’t _ win. He can’t know how much this is getting to me. 

My head still hurts, but not bad enough to not start picking up my room. Getting up and moving around gives my mind and body something to do that isn’t panicking about my current situation. 

However, it doesn’t keep me from panicking about Baz. He was on the phone with me, so he has some idea of what happened, but I wish he knew I was okay- that I hadn’t been hurt too bad. I hope he is okay. 

Christmas passes and I'm still trapped in my room. I was hoping to get some reprieve, maybe under the guise of a Christmas present (wishful thinking.) Now it’s the day after Christmas and I honestly wonder if I’ll ever get out of here. Baz’s present is sitting on my desk, and I hope I’ll be able to give it to him. I got him and I matching sweaters (his is the color of my eyes, and mine is the color of his.) 

I really wish I could shower, I smell and feel awful. To try to combat the smell, I start looking for some kind of cologne around here (I'm so desperate I'd take the horrible Axe body spray everyone wore in middle school), but I pause when I hear something at the window. 

I’m sure I heard David leave about an hour ago. I thought about potentially breaking down my door and leaving the house, but I didn’t want to risk what might happen if I had been mistaken. 

I hear the noise again. Is David putting up more restraints? 

“Hello?” I ask loudly, trying to make sure I can be heard through the glass and the wood. My voice feels hoarse from disuse, but I cough and try again when I hear something bang against the wood. “Dad?”

“Oh God no I’m  _ not _ your father.” I hear a familiar voice.  _ Baz _ .

“Baz.” I breathe and run over and lift up the glass of the window. It doesn’t do much due to the wood, but it’s less of a barrier. “What are you doing?”

“What the fuck do you think, Snow?” He huffs. “Breaking you out.” 

“Thank fuck. What can I do?” I ask, looking around my room- as if I suddenly have an axe I can use to cut through wood.

“Just stay back, okay?” He says before I hear another hit against the wood. “I’m trying to get it off. I tracked David and he isn’t going to be back for a couple of hours.”

“What is he doing?”

“There was an incident at his shelter nearby. You can thank Fiona when you see her.” 

“Bless her soul for dealing with him.” Fiona may be scary, but David is terrifying.

“You’ve not met Fiona. If anything I would fear for your father if I didn’t want to also beat the shit out of him.” He groans and I hear the wood finally breaking from the house, and see light pour in and see his face. I wince a little at the light, it’s been a bit since I’ve had direct sunlight, fuck does it feel good to see past the window. 

“Baz,” I say and I reach for him. He grabs my hand and kisses it before letting go again. 

“I’m serious- back up- I am not very knowledgeable in this area and I don’t want to accidentally crack your head open with this hammer.”

“Eh, nothing I haven’t experienced before.”

“ _ Snow.”  _ He growls. I comply. 

It doesn’t take him much longer until he gets it and climbs in my window. Immediately his hands are on me and are examining me. I know there is a bump on my head and some bruises, but they’re already looking better. 

“Simon,” He breathes, then kisses my forehead and holds me close. 

“Baz,” I say, nestling myself into his chest. Suddenly I’m very thankful he is taller than me. “I just need to know- while I do appreciate you breaking me out, why did you go the tangled route instead of breaking in downstairs?”

“David has cameras at every entrance, so I know he’d get a notification the second he had movement.” He leans back to look me in the eyes. “Also I thought I’d have better luck with this instead of trying to break in through a lock. I really don’t know how to do that. Fiona would know- but it’s best she is dealing with him rather than me.”

“I kind of want to see what they’re like right now.” I laugh. 

“I’m sure she will tell us all about it later. Pack up whatever you need and let’s get out of here.” Baz looks around the room. “Your room is so clean- nice to know you have it in you.” He smirks at me. 

“When you’re literally trapped in your room you become bored, what can I say.” I tell him as I run around grabbing everything I can, making sure to grab the file on my mom. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself.” He gets out of the window and starts climbing down the ladder. I follow him down. 

“Where did you get the ladder?” I ask him. It certainly wouldn't have fit in his car. 

“A neighbor of yours. Some lady with a dog? She said she hadn’t seen you in the window in a while so she seemed supportive of what I was doing. Nice lady really.” Baz says casually as he opens the car door. “She said her husband will come and get the ladder.” He explains as I look back at where it was left in front of the house.

I climb in the car and it hits me. Baz came and rescued me. I’ve got the evidence against David, I’m with Baz again, and I don’t have to be afraid of whatever happens next. 

It takes me a few moments to realize Baz is still talking as he drives us down the road. 

“You okay Simon?” He asks, glancing over. There is concern in his face. 

“Thanks,” I choke out. 

“What do you mean?” He asks back. 

“For driving all this way and breaking me out of there. I didn’t know what I was going to do next, or what was going to happen.” 

“Trust me when I say that this was no problem. I was scared to death of what I would find when I got up here. I’m so relieved that you are still alive and breathing.” 

“I am so far.” I chuckle a bit. “But I am starving.”

“I had a feeling- do you want to stop somewhere for food?”

“Please.” I groan. 

“Okay- we just have to swing by and grab Fiona.” He turns the corner towards the shelter. Panic immediately spikes in my chest. 

“Wait- what if he sees?” I ask, trying hard to breathe slowly. Baz reaches over and rubs my leg. 

“He’s gone. Fiona's just texted, she’s waiting for us. No one will see okay?” He turns to look at me as we wait for a green light. “But if it would help I could have Fiona come to us?” 

I take a deep breath and intertwine our fingers. 

“If you’re sure he is gone then okay. But I might sit low just in case.” I’m already bringing a hood over my head. As if his car might be nearby and he’ll see me through Baz’s tinted windows. 

“Whatever helps.” He rubs my fingers with his thumb and continues down the road. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I smile, for real, which feels nice. “My knight in shining armor.” Baz laughs in response. 

“Does that make you the damsel in distress?”

“Well, we already did decide I was Rapunzel in this scenario.”

“I feel like out of the two of us I qualify more as Rapunzel.”

“Why?”

“Have you seen my hair? It’s fabulous. You need a lot more to even get close to Rapunzel level hair.”

“But my hair is blonde?” I’m laughing, I love him so much.

“Dirty blonde at best.” He smirks and glances at me as he pulls up to a person I immediately recognize as Fiona. She has on black jeans and a black leather jacket, her hair is up in a messy bun, perfectly showing off her grey streak. Fiona is a force to be reckoned with, I can only assume David didn’t leave their interaction unscathed. 

“Hey there, boyo.” She hits his shoulder as she climbs in. “Take longer next time will you?”

“He had his window boarded up Fi,” He glares in the rearview mirror at her. 

“Shit,” She looks at me. “You okay golden boy?”

“Golden boy?” I ask, confused at the name. 

“Yeah, you may as well be given how this one,” she points to Baz, “describes you.”

I glance at him and I see him reach behind with one hand and hit her knee. 

“Hey there now,” she glares back at him. “You’re lucky you’re in the front seat now. Trust me that will be changed soon.” Then she turns to me, with a look I can only assume is concern. “You good though?”

“Yeah, thanks, Fiona. I appreciate the help.” I say earnestly. 

“I’ll do anything to torment your father. He’s been awful at that school and he needs to be thrown out. Sounds like he needs more though if he is boarding his son up.” She leans back in the seat and looks out the window. “Baz let’s stop for food huh? I bet your boyfriend here would like some food.”

It’s at that moment that my stomach growls. Almost as if it knows. 

“Okay food it is.” Baz chuckles and pulls into a McDonald’s drive-through. 

**____________**

We drive straight for five hours after that. Fiona kicked Baz out of the driver’s seat and into the back immediately after McDonald’s. She said something about being a numpty? I’ll have to ask about it later. I moved to the back seat (I shouldn’t have, I get carsick. But I wanted to be near Baz.) We are passing back and forth Baz’s phone to talk. We only have a half an hour left of the drive, and I’m so happy at the thought of getting out of the car and lying down in a bed and using the bathroom whenever I need to. 

_ Are you really okay?  _ He types in the message box of his phone. I look at the contact and realize the name says  _ My Idiot _ at the top. 

**_Is my name really my idiot on your phone?_ ** I type back. He immediately erases it and types out his response. 

_ Is that really what you want to focus on right now?  _

**_I mean I think it’s a valid question?_ **

_ Snow, stop avoiding the question.  _

**_I’m better now that I’m with you._ **

_ Did he hurt you at all? _

**_Hurt my head, I was sensitive to light and everything at first. But I’m okay now._ **

Baz looks up at me and leans in close. I think for a moment that he is going to kiss me, but then he yanks my eyelids up. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? If you have a concussion we should get you checked out. ” He whispers, looking for who knows what in my eyes. 

“Yes I’m good, I promise. It’s not my first rodeo anyway. There isn’t much the doctor can give besides a doctor’s note to get out of school stuff.” I shrug. 

“If it gets worse you’ll say something right?” He won’t give it up, I know it. 

“Of course.” I then lean in, hoping for the kiss I was so rudely not given. He immediately shoves me away, laughing. 

“I love you Snow but I am not making out with you in the back of my aunt’s car.” 

“If you guys start making out I will throw you both out so help me god!” Fiona shouts. “Stop the disgusting eyes at each other too. I might throw up from the level of flirting going on. I thought this was like a life or death situation? Is now really the time?”

“It’s always the time, Fi,” Baz says and he winks at me before grabbing my hand and pulling me close. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for sticking around and reading! I hope you've enjoyed.
> 
> Feel free to check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	26. Saving Simon Snow (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David knows about the extra phone. Baz panics. Simon isn't responding. Thank god for Fiona Pitch, random neighbors with Ladders, and Simon Snow still being in one piece when Baz arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another Baz POV chapter- I hope you enjoy!
> 
> It takes place from the moment David takes Simon's phone to them being in the back of Fiona's car together. 
> 
> (It's a little longer than my usual chapters... oops!)

I hear the double beeps of the phone call ending, and I spend too long staring at the ceiling above me. 

I had been on the phone with Simon, having a relaxing conversation. He had asked me to tell him random stories, and I was telling him how I learned to drive a stick shift. I got frustrated and swore off driving, and Daphne was a delight, calming me off the edge. 

Simon doesn’t know how to drive yet. Maybe I’ll try to teach him some time. 

I jump up, the realization of what happened hits me all at once. David on the phone, talking to me, telling me I’ll not be hearing from Simon again. 

David  _ knows _ . He isn’t only trying to separate the two of us, but Simon was using the phone  _ my family _ gave him. There is no way David’s not going to notice. 

_ What if he looks through it? _

There is so much on his phone. We’ve texted about plans, we’ve texted about the files he found on his mother. Hell, we’ve texted some  _ not appropriate _ things. 

Considering he doesn’t know about Simon and me yet, it’s vital he doesn’t see them. 

I run down the stairs to my family. 

“I need to go to Simon’s.” I breathe out. I’m panting from flying down the steps, and my parents are looking at me like I sprouted wings. 

“It’s getting pretty late,” Daphne says slowly. She has a mug of tea in her hand and a book in her lap, sitting on the couch next to my father. 

“Can this wait until tomorrow?” My father asks, looking over his reading glasses at me. He’s got a crossword in one hand, and a pen in the other. 

“I think he’s in trouble.” They aren’t taking this seriously. I’m clutching my chest, feeling like I’m about to burst from either the weight of what’s happening or how quickly I ran down here. 

“What happened, dear?” Daphne asks, putting down her cup of tea and leaning forward. 

It all falls out of my mouth so quickly. There isn’t time to waste- I need to get up there. 

“Do you know for sure he is getting hurt?” She asks, brows furrowing and looking at my father. 

“Well, no. But it’s not the first time.” Do they not  _ get  _ it?

They give each other a look, and I can tell instantly what their response is going to be. My blood boils at the thought. 

“Basil, I think you need to sleep. It’s late and it is a far drive.” My father says. 

“But-” He raises his hand to stop me. 

“Give it a day, see if you hear anything. If you don’t hear then we can discuss reaching out. But we cannot keep running up there at the first sign of something wrong.”

“But-”

“No, Basil. It’s Christmas in two days. You should be home with us.” 

I nod my head and walk out. I understand where my parents are coming from. It’s a long drive, and it is late. But I need to know Simon is okay, that he hasn’t been hurt. When I get to my room I can’t stop the tears from flowing, because I  _ know _ somethings wrong. What if David is hitting Simon? What if he’s doing something  _ worse _ ?

**____________**

Two days pass and I don’t hear anything. It’s Christmas, and everyone around me is moving along as if the world isn’t falling apart around them. 

“Hey,” Fiona snaps her fingers in front of my face. “Are you okay?”

“Oh yes, I’m fine,” I reply, moving to grab a present to open. 

“Have you heard from Simon?” Daphne asks in a low voice. I shake my head. 

I don’t miss the way both she and my father look at each other. It’s unclear if their look is filled with worry, or if they think I’m being overdramatic. 

I’m nervously twisting the wrapping paper in my hands, wondering when I can ask to go check on Simon again. Has it been long enough? Will they let me go  _ now _ ?

“Basil!” Mordelia shouts. “Your gift!” 

I look down and realize it’s her gift I’ve been picking at. It’s small and obviously wrapped by her (there is too much tape and the wrapping paper has been crumpled in some places.)

“Oh yes,” I smile at her, and I can’t help but feel a bit warm. She’s a menace, but she’s my menace. I pick the box up to my ear and give it a shake. “What did you get me this year?”

“Open it!” She smiles, obviously excited. 

I take my time, trying to annoy her (it works), and when I get to the box there is a picture frame, with her, me, and Simon on the beach. It was taken last summer in the Hamptons. She convinced Simon to give her a mermaid’s tail in the sand and then told me to give him one too. They decided they were merfolk together. The picture has the two of them, mermaid tails still intact, throwing sand in the air and into my face. I’m squinting my eyes, trying my best to cover my head from the assault, but it took me  _ days _ to get the sand out of my hair. Those two will be the death of me. It was supposed to be a cute photo opportunity, but of course, they ruined it. Daphne must have shown Mordelia, who obviously loved it. 

I can’t help but love it too. Simon’s smile is bright, taking up his whole face.  _ I hope he’s okay _ . 

“Do you like it?” Mordelia asks me, pulling me from my thoughts. 

“Of course,” I reach up and ruffle her hair. “It’s very sweet thank you.”

“I used the shells I collected on the beach to decorate the frame.”

“I love it.” I am looking down at it again, and the smile on my face is genuine. 

It’s everything to me. My family, Simon, the goofy nature of the two worlds colliding, and I’m determined to make sure it stays that way. 

I’m in my room after dinner, talking with Bunce and Shepard. None of us have heard from Simon. 

I even called his work.

“Hello, I was wondering if Simon was in?” I asked. 

“No. He says he can’t come into work,” his boss (Brian?) replies. I couldn’t help the way my heart rate rose.  _ Why can’t he come into work? _

“Oh ok! Well, thank you.” I told him before quickly hanging the phone up. 

I wanted to ask more questions but wasn’t sure how. 

“Does anyone have a location tracker on him?” Shepard asks. 

“He’s not a dog,” I replied, annoyed he would suggest it. Though it would be useful right about now. 

“I’m only saying, it would be useful.” 

“Yes, but the phone has been shut off anyway,” I asked my parents to have it disconnected yesterday, and I erased it’s data from my laptop so David couldn’t get information from it. 

Hopefully he doesn’t find another way.

“Someone has to make sure he is okay.” Penny chimes in. “I’ve tried, but my parents won’t let me leave.”

“And I don’t have the cash for another flight,” Shepard says. “I wish I did, I’d be up there in a moment.”

“We know,” I reply. “I’ll go, I’ll talk to my parents tomorrow.”

A knock at the door makes me jump and drop my phone. I’m too jumpy lately. Fiona is standing there, wearing her signature pajamas (an old Queen t-shirt and flannel pants that are stained on the bottom hem and faded to a pale red, almost pink) and her glasses. She’s obviously ready for bed, so I’m not sure why she’s come to my room. 

“Hey guys, I’ve got to go. Talk to you later.” I say before hanging up the phone. 

“Basil,” Fiona says from the doorway. “We are leaving in the morning for your betrothed.”

“What?”  _ Betrothed? _

“Your boyfriend.” She says, rolling her eyes. “We are leaving first thing in the morning.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

I open my mouth to respond, but the words don’t come out. She walks to my bed and sits down. She smells like toothpaste and night cream. 

“It’s obvious something is going on, so your parents agreed to let you go. But I’m coming with.” 

“Thanks,” I choke out. I’m worried, and also relieved I can go. “When do we leave?”

“As soon as we wake up.” She pats my back and moves to the door again, turning around another time to look at me. “I swear though if our wake up time is before 7:30 I will pummel you.” She winks and walks out the door. 

I take a deep breath and fall back on my bed. 

I wake her up at 7:30 on the dot. 

____________

“So what is the plan?” She asks, one hand on the steering wheel, another on the gear shift. 

“Get Simon out of the house.”

“Okay great, but what if David is home? What’s your plan then, knight in shining armor?” 

“I… hadn’t thought about it.” I should have. What are we going to do?

“We need to make sure he’s out of the house. Give a distraction.” She nods. 

“How?” 

“God, you’re a fucking numpty, Basil. I thought you had this all figured out?”

“I most certainly didn’t say that.”

“Whatever. I can distract him. Doesn’t he run some shelter?”

“Yes,” I think for a moment. “Daphne and my father donated money not too long ago.”

She gives me a look.

“You can blame Simon. He didn’t want to tell them what he  _ actually _ needed to say.” 

“What would that be?” She asks, suspicion clear in her voice. 

“I don’t think he’d want me saying,” I reply softly. I shouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place. My brain is fried and I’m not thinking straight.

“Look, if I’m going to spend the majority of my day driving for said boy, I should probably know what’s going on boyo.” She gives me another look. I take a deep breath. 

“Simon’s mother died before he came,” I start. Best to go with what she already knows first. She nods, listening as she changes lanes to avoid something in the road. “It was ruled an accident, but something happened recently and Simon thinks his father, David, is the reason she is dead.” 

She frowns as she thinks of her response.

“Why does he think that?”

“There was a phone call to his office. Someone asking for the money he owes for ‘taking care of her’.” I sigh. “I tried to get him to tell my parents when they came to town, but he was worried he was wrong. So he tried to look for more evidence.”

“Did he ever find any?” Her face is dark, and I realize I shouldn’t be telling her this before we step foot into a town with him. I try to deflect instead of continuing. 

“Fi- I” 

“Answer the question, Basil.” Her speed is increasing, and I’m worried.

“Fiona please calm down. I don’t want to die before I can see Simon.” 

That seems to snap her out of it and she lets down some of the speed she was gaining. 

“He did,” I answer quietly. 

“Motherfucker,” she whispers. “Were you ever going to tell us this?”

“We were planning to by now, but Simon got caught and- well. You know the rest.” I slip down in my seat a bit. It all feels heavy on my chest, though it feels good to tell Fiona. She’ll help. 

“Baz this is serious-”

“Trust me I know.” I cut her off. 

“Fuck,” She hits the steering wheel. “And he’s working at your school too? A fucking  _ murderer _ ?” 

I let her continue as she processes it. Everyone has their methods, and Fiona’s happens to be spitfire and rage. Once she’s had her moment she calms down and thinks rationally. I can understand her feelings, no one wants to hurt David more than I do. 

I hope it isn’t too late 

“Here’s the plan,” she says, pointing a finger at me. “I’m going to go to the shelter he runs and cause a scene.”

“What-” I start but she shuts me up with a glare.

“You’re going to take the car to his house. You know where he lives, right?” I nod. “Great, so go there and get him  _ out _ , then come and get me and we will make our getaway. Got it?”

I nod again. 

“Thanks, Fi,” I mutter. She gives me a warm smile and turns up the music. 

I check my phone again as if Simon will have responded in some goofy way.  _ Sorry Baz, I got in trouble and then dropped my phone in the toilet. How’re you doing? _

I’d kill for this all to be due to Simon Snow not using a phone case (ever, I swear) and breaking his phone on accident. I’d like for this day to have been a waste, for people to be upset with me over me raising alarms. 

But in my gut, I know I’m not overreacting. Simon’s in trouble and needs help. 

____________

I drop Fiona off at the shelter and she gives me a wink, puts her hands in the pockets of her black leather jacket, and walks in. I see David’s Jeep there, and I want to follow her.

I want to punch him. 

But I need to get to Simon first. 

Thankfully I saved his address on my phone. It doesn’t take me long to find his home, and I am confused about what I see. 

There is one window with light wood panels nailed to it. It’s almost as if there was a fire in the house and they boarded it up, except they stopped after his room. 

I step out of the car and look at the house. I start walking up, but I see a Ring camera on the front door. 

_ Fuck _ . 

I try the back, but I see another device in the back, so I’m out of luck there too. Walking back to the front of the house I grab some small rocks, deciding to try to pull some kind of Romeo and Juliet scene. 

I take a rock and throw it at the wood over the window. I’m not sure if he’ll hear or anything (I’m not quite sure he’s even in that room, but I assume.) 

This is so  _ stupid _ . He’s not going to hear me. Even if he does, what would he do? He can’t move the wood out of his way. 

_ I hope Fiona can keep David away for a while longer _ . 

“Hey!” I hear behind me, I jump and drop the remaining rocks in my hand. “Everything okay?”

“Oh yes,” I say, trying to make sure she knows I’m not a hooligan trying to rough someone up (well, not roughing someone up right  _ now _ .) “I’m looking for my friend. I haven’t heard from him. 

“Simon?” She asks. I nod. How does she know him? She has a big black great dane next to her, a bright blue leash in her hand. The dog is sitting and wagging its tail, staring right at me. 

“I’ve been wondering where he might be..” She trails off. “He usually comes out each day to say hello to Nico here.” She points to her dog. “Is he alright?”

“I’m not sure,” I reply. Best to go with honesty here. 

“His boss, Brian, down the road always worried about him. Said his dad gave him the creeps.” 

Simon always thought the two of them were friends. Maybe there is more to his boss than we thought. 

“Do you think you can help me?” I ask. Maybe she’ll help. 

She looks up at the window and thinks for a moment. 

“I’ll get a ladder and a hammer.” She replies. “Give me five.”

She’s back in three. 

“Don’t worry about bringing it back, we live a few houses down and I’ll have my husband come back for it.” She hands me the hammer. “I’d stay, but I have to get to work. Good luck” 

She leaves me staring at the hammer. 

_ Well here goes nothing  _ I think before propping the ladder against the house. 

It doesn’t take long until I hear him. There’s a sense of relief that washes over me. If I can hear his voice, then he’s  _ alive _ . 

When I get into his room and see him, my heart breaks. He looks exhausted, there is a bruise on his face, and his eyes are puffy. 

I want to wring David’s neck. 

Instead, I make a stupid comment about the cleanliness of his room. 

I’m a constant disappointment to myself. 

**____________**

We get Simon out, fed, and away from David. It’s a long drive back, but Simon falls asleep, head in my lap while I run my fingers through his hair. 

“Hey Fi,” I say quietly. “What exactly did you do to distract David?”

“I caused a scene.” She shrugs. 

“I assumed, but what does a scene look like to Fiona Pitch?” 

“Lots of threats.” I can see her smirk in the rearview mirror. 

“Did you-”

“I didn’t mention anything about Simon.” She cuts me off. “I’m not an idiot.” 

She glances back for a brief moment. 

“He gonna be okay?” She asks. It’s impossibly quiet, almost as if I’m not supposed to hear her. 

“I hope,” I whisper back, pushing more curls off his forehead. She hums in response. 

“This is serious Basil. Are you sure you’re up for it?” She asks moments later. 

I look up and can see her biting her lip, anxious. 

“Yes. Most definitely.”

“It’s going to be a lot on Simon.”

“I know.”

“It’s going to be a lot on  _ you _ .” She says instead this time. 

“I know that too. But-” I take a deep breath. “I love him. I can’t leave him because things are hard. He needs someone, and I want to be here for him. If the roles were reversed, he’d do the same for me.”

“Do you think?” She asks. 

“I know,” I respond, leaning my head against the window and closing my eyes. “He’s been through so much and yet is still so kind.” I wouldn’t normally be this upfront about emotions with people. But I’m tired, vulnerable, and feeling soft because Simon is here with his head in my lap, warming me up. 

Fiona doesn’t say anything more until after Simon wakes up again, and it’s only to tell us not to make out (as if we would in the car with her there.)

It hurts to see Simon bruised and broken, but it feels good having him here, hand in mine, and laugh filling up the entire car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this Baz chapter! I love writing them haha. 
> 
> Feel free to check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I've also got a few playlists... they've been linked in previous chapters so feel free to give them a glance!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting back to Baz's house after he gets Simon.
> 
> (Christmas 2020 pt 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning.. slight spiciness. 
> 
> Also, I know this chapter is shorter- I'm sorry! It just felt like a good place to end this scene. Longer one on Sunday :).

“Do you think he has noticed yet?” Baz asks. Fiona is pulling into the driveway of his house (mansion?) and I welcome a shower and bed. 

“I would assume,” I reply. “But who knows. He usually lets me go use the bathroom around this time.” I shrug, but I can see the look of horror on Baz’s face. 

“You could only use the bathroom at certain times?” 

“Yeah. Two times a day- 7:30 am and pm.” 

“Are you sure you don’t have an infection?” He looks genuinely worried. 

“No. If it had gone on longer perhaps, but I’m alright.” I smile to help reassure him, but I don’t think it works. 

“Come on boys, time to get out of the car and into bed,” Fiona says as she slams her door shut. I grab my bag and Baz and I follow. 

“Do your parents know I am coming?” I ask as we walk to the door.

“Of course, Snow,” Baz smirks as he opens the door for me. “They’re the ones who let me come.” He glances at me as we make our way up the stairs. Fiona has already walked off to the kitchen mumbling something about needing a drink. 

“I’ve got the file in my bag, so we can tell them soon.” I pat my bag. “Though maybe tomorrow? If that's okay? I haven’t showered in days and I don’t know if I’m quite up to it tonight.”

“That’s okay. They’re out with Mordi and the twins so you could get home without being bombarded by questions and people.” Baz turns to his room and lets me in. 

“Thank god.” I sigh, then plop my bag down and throw myself on the couch in his room. “Please tell me that I don’t have to sleep in another room tonight,” I say, though my voice is muffled by the couch cushion. I wonder if he understood me. 

“No, I think you’re good to stay here with me.” He did understand me, good. I feel a poke at my side. “But no funny business, got it?” He chuckles as I groan. 

“Whatever could you mean Basilton?” I say, innocently, as I flip over on my back and look up at him. “I am but a virginal teenager who could never so much as  _ think _ about such vile acts until I am betrothed and wed.” I wink at him but I pull him close into a kiss. 

We spend a few moments continuing to deepen the kiss. I pull him on top of me, him straddling my hips and I feel him close to me. It starts to feel like maybe I’m doing something right, being here with him. This is something real, something that can’t be broken. 

As I move my hand up his shirt he manages to pull away from me. I’m embarrassed by the noise I make when he does so, but when I see his blown out eyes and swollen lips, I can’t help but feel a sense of pride. 

“I said no funny business, Snow.” He breathes. 

“I don’t see you complaining.” I reach up to kiss him again. 

“You need to shower.” He whispers between kisses. 

“It can wait,” I reply. There are more important things happening. 

“Nope.” He leans back again and climbs off of me. 

“Party pooper.” I sit up and stretch. “You could join me though?” I smirk at him. 

“Nope. I will not ruin your virginal outlook of yourself.” He smirks back and goes to his bookshelf. 

“How rude.” I laugh walking to his ensuite. There are white fluffy towels and a walk-in shower, and I immediately am excited (is it just me or is the floor extra warm… does he have heated floors in here?) “It’s okay if I use your things right?” I shout to him. 

“Yes, Snow. Unless you packed your own toiletries- but frankly you could use better products.”

“Hey now!” I shout back. But I can’t argue, I know his stuff is better. 

I turn on the shower and let it warm up as I undress. The steam feels welcoming as I climb in and let the warmth wrap around me before walking underneath the flow of water. 

Baz has one of those dream showers with a waterfall showerhead and stone walls. There’s a little shelf built into the wall with all of his products. It takes me a minute but I find his shampoo and start to wash my hair. 

I shouldn’t be so comforted by this, but the smell of Baz filling up the shower helps ease my anxiety. I’ve been silently anxious about what David might do when he realizes what has happened to me, but at this moment I can’t find myself caring. 

I stay in the shower for too long, but I don’t think Baz minds. I walk out in only my towel, realizing I forgot to bring in any clothes. Though I guess I didn’t bring many clothes with me. 

“I don’t think I packed any pajamas,” I say to him. He doesn’t look up, but his flushed cheeks betray his seemingly cool demeanor. 

“You can grab some of mine. They’re in the bottom drawer.” He says, flipping a page in his book. 

“Thanks,” I say and walk over to the drawer, grabbing the first pair of pants I can find that aren’t silk. 

Walking back to the bathroom, I decide to do something daring and I drop the towel and go ahead and put on the pants then and there. I’m not facing Baz, but his cough tells me he definitely noticed. 

I pick up the towel and quickly rub my wet hair with it and then put it on the towel rack before walking back to Baz. 

“How’s the book?” I ask, sitting down next to him, leaning my head against the back of the couch. 

“Invigorating.” He replies, flipping the page. 

“More invigorating than your half-naked boyfriend fresh from the shower sitting next to you?”

“By far.” He says, still not looking at me. 

I can play dirty though, and I lean over and start kissing his neck. He doesn’t put down the book, but he moves his head to the side to give me more access. I push more, grabbing his book and moving into his lap. Baz doesn’t fight back, so he doesn’t mind it. I move my lips across his jaw, hearing his breath quicken. He pulls me closer onto his lap, and I groan at the contact. 

“Have you changed your mind on the funny business?” I whisper in his ear. 

“I may be convinced.” He whispers back. 

“Hmmm..” I move to his lips. “What can I do to completely convince you?” I move my hands under his shirt, tracing circles on his stomach. He doesn’t respond, instead I hear him take a sharp intake of breath. 

I deepen the kiss more and remove his shirt, allowing our chests to press against each other. His hands move down to my hips, leaving sparks across my skin. I feel more alive than I have in a while. 

“Simon,” He whispers, not wanting to break the moment. “We should probably slow down.”

“Sorry,” I lean back. “I don’t mean to push you or anything.” We are both breathing heavily, bodies flushed against each other. 

“Oh trust me, you’re not pushing. I don’t want you to feel like you have to.” He runs his hands up and down my arms and I feel goosebumps rise at his touch. “You’re not a damsel in distress who needs to reward his suitor.”

“What if I’m a damsel in distress trying to reward himself?” I ask in response. 

“Are you sure?” He asks, kissing my jaw. 

“I love you Baz, I’m more sure about this than I am about almost everything.” I pull his lips up to mine for a quick kiss. “Are you sure?”

“Without hesitation, I would do anything with and for you.” He leans up for another kiss. 

“Glad we are on the same page then,” I smile down at him and kiss his forehead. 

“Yes, great.” He says, smiling back. 

He pulls me close, bringing my legs around his back and lifts me up. 

“Holy fuck.” I clutch on tight, not having expected it. He responds by kissing my neck and bringing me to his bed. 

“Do you mind?” He asks, fingers on the waistband of the pajamas that I  _ just _ put on. 

“Only if you make it even.” I wink. He rolls his eyes but takes his pants and underwear off before sliding mine off my hips as well. 

I’ve seen Baz’s body before, of course, but it feels different in this moment. It feels like there is something more magical, special, or maybe I’m looking at it in a different light. He’s over me in an instant, and the feel of skin on skin is welcomed greatly. His lips are a comfort, hands sliding down my body setting me alight again. 

This is making love I think. It sounds silly on television when characters say it, but this is definitely what they are referring to. The way we move against each other, every kiss, gasp, and touch says  _ I love you _ . We’ve said the words aloud before, but it feels more final. This feels forever. I don’t want to let this go, especially not to face the world beyond this. Tomorrow is a distant world another Simon has to deal with. 

Today and tonight I only have Baz, his lips, his hands, his chest heaving up and down as I hold myself over him, making him feel everything I cannot say out loud. 

____________

“I love you,” I whisper in his ear as we lay next to each other. Our legs are wrapped in each other. We probably need a shower- but neither of us wants to move and break whatever spell we cast within these sheets. 

“I love you, Simon,” Baz replies, kissing my nose.

“How’s your head?” He whispers. 

“It’s okay. I’m just tired.” 

The sound of the door closing downstairs makes us both turn towards his bedroom door. 

“Should I move?” I ask. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to upset his parents. 

“No,” He says “I doubt they’ll come up here.”

A knock on the door makes us both jump to action. I fall off the bed, caught in the sheet, and Baz is running to get his pants, tossing mine over the bed at me. I try to put them on, but my head feels dizzy after falling. 

“Basil!” A girl’s voice (Mordelia) says through the door. “Come say hi!” 

“Sweetie it’s time for bed, you can talk to your brother in the morning.” We hear Daphne say. Mordelia groans but we hear their footsteps go back down the hall. 

“Remind me to give Daphne a gift basket,” I say, climbing back into his bed. 

“We’ll send her to the spa,” Baz says, following suit. 

We fall asleep under his duvet, knowing the next day is going to bring the chaos we desperately want to avoid. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it (tbh really nervous about posting this one?). 
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I've also got a few playlists if you wanna check them out!
> 
> [If Not For You Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=yKDjvFFESeal_KZH2R1phw)
> 
> [Baz's Simon Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=G4C_sNDtT8Gvy0d_0SX1mA)
> 
> [Simon's Baz Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=miaPHu_0TLePtBTA9-yhKw)


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Handing the files over, ominous voicemail messages, and Spider-Man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Saturday upload? From me? Woah there now. 
> 
> Thanks for checking it out!

“So your mom was going to divorce him?” Baz asks, looking through the file. 

We are in his kitchen, I’m making eggs and he is flipping through the papers I stole from David. He’s got a cup of coffee I made him, and we are waiting for the rest of the house to wake up. 

“I guess so,” I reply, folding the eggs onto themselves with a spatula. “I’m guessing that was the final straw.” 

“When do you think you’ll talk to my parents? We finally have the evidence you were so stressed about, so we can finally do him in.” He looks up at me, and I can see the anxiety in his eyes. Baz wants this whole thing done just as much as I do. 

“Will they be home this morning?” I take a sip of my coffee. 

“Yes.”

“This morning then,” I tell him, turning back to the food. I’ve got pancakes, bacon, and eggs. I figure if I’m going to be a surprise guest I may as well provide food. “Will you be there with me?” I ask, a little quieter. I hear his chair slide back and feel him wrap his arms around me, his lips on my neck for a moment. 

“Of course, Simon.” He replies. It calms some of my anxiety, but the nervousness is still there. 

It’s at this moment we hear the phone ring, and we both jump. 

“I didn’t know people still had home phones.” I joke, poking him in the side. 

“Well, leave it to my family to be old fashioned,” He winks as he walks to check the caller ID. “I don’t know who it is, and I don’t feel like talking to strange people so I’ll let it ring.” He puts it back down and then takes his seat again at the kitchen island, looking back at the papers. 

The voicemail tone beeps. 

“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Grimm,” The voice says. I immediately freeze as I realize it’s David. “Simon headed down to your place yesterday but didn’t tell me whether he made it or not. Could you give me a call and let me know he arrived okay? Thanks again for inviting him for New Years, I know he was very excited to spend it with you! My number is…” He rattles off his number but I turn to Baz, who is glaring at the phone. 

“He-” I choke out, but Baz immediately interrupts me. 

“He doesn’t know.” He says firmly. “He is making an educated guess, but you can tell he is trying to make it sound like this was planned by him.”

“What do we do?” I ask. What if he comes down here?

“We do nothing,” Baz gets up and presses a couple of buttons on the phone. I hear the machine tell us that the message has been deleted, and he walks back over to me and holds me close. “We talk to my parents, and we get David put away. But for now- we eat the delicious breakfast my amazing boyfriend has cooked up for me.”

“For you?” I weakly joke back. “This breakfast is for me. I thought you just wanted coffee?” 

“While I don’t doubt that you could eat all of this food, I think Mordelia might be upset if you made pancakes and not let her have one.” He kisses my forehead. 

It only takes a couple more minutes before we hear footsteps, Mordelia at first, then Daphne and the twins, and then Malcolm. The kitchen turns into a vortex of chaos, laughter, and Mordelia trying to steal Baz’s pancakes from him, but it helps to drown out my head. At least for a few moments. 

**____________**

“What if they don’t believe us?” I ask Baz as we walk into his father’s den. We asked if they could talk to us this morning, and luckily the twins had a nap and Mordi was going to a friends’ house- so they were perfectly open. 

“I don’t think it’ll be a problem,” Baz replies, taking a seat on the couch, motioning for me to join him. 

“Hi boys,” Daphne says rushing in after, presumably, putting the twins to sleep. She has a monitor in her hand she puts on the coffee table as Malcolm walks in. “Is everything okay?” She looks at me with a look that I recognize only as motherly worry. My heart twinges a bit as I remember times my mom asked me the same question, with the same look on her face. 

I cough, take a deep breath, and Baz puts his arm behind me on the couch, just to remind me that he is here. 

“Yes,” I start. “First, thank you for helping me get here.” I’m not sure how to say the words ‘thanks for getting me out of my possibly murderous father's house, but I feel like this is a good start. 

“Of course,” She says. Malcolm is sitting next to her, listening closely. I wonder if he already suspects what I might be saying next. “Baz was sick with worry, I think if we didn’t help him he would have gone up to you on his own.” She laughs. It helps loosen some of the tension in my chest. 

“Well I appreciate him and you as well, and I just really don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.” I take a deep breath and look at Baz, who gives me a warm smile. “I’m not sure what all Baz has told you about my dad, but it hasn’t been a good place for a while.”

“He hasn’t told us much, but we’ve gathered some things from our interactions. We pieced some of it together.” Malcolm chimes in. 

“Uh, yeah,” I scratch the back of my head. “It seems like it might be even more serious than I may have thought.” Both Daphne and Malcolm look concerned.

“More serious than the bruises?” Daphne whispers. There is a fierce intensity in her words. It makes sense, as a mother who obviously loves her children so much, it must hurt to think of a parent doing what mine does. 

“Yes,” I say. “My mother died before I came to Watford. Due to some recent events, I think my dad may have been the one to arrange her death.”

There is a pause as everyone waits for what I’m going to say next. So I unleash everything that has happened in the last few months. I tell them about the phone call, about the file, and what I think may have happened. They look through the papers and we sit in silence and they digest the information I just dumped in their laps. 

“What can we do?” Baz asks quietly. 

“Why don’t the two of you go eat lunch,” Malcolm suggests, looking over at Daphne. “It’s obvious we have some discussions to have and things to figure out.”

My heart sinks into my stomach and I can feel my head spin. They don’t believe me, they are going to call David and tell him where I am and they’ll give him the papers and my whole world is going to end. This was a mistake, I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. 

“Simon,” I hear Daphne say. I’m not sure when she did, but she is now sitting on the coffee table in front of me and is holding my hands. “I want you to know we believe you.” My head shoots up- did I say all my thoughts out loud? 

“We believe you,” She continues, raising a hand to my face and wiping away a tear. “This is just a big deal and we need to make some phone calls and figure out how we can best protect you during this whole process. I swear we will make sure you don’t go back with him. It’s important that you trust me with that at least.” 

I nod in response and she pulls me into a hug. 

“Now why don’t you both go get some lunch and have a relaxing afternoon? As soon as we have things figured out we will tell you.”

We walk back out of the den and into the hallway. Baz immediately pulls me close and the tears come out more. I’m going to have to add this to the number of times I’ve cried in Baz’s arms. 

“I’m so proud of you,” He whispers in my ear as I start to calm down. “That wasn’t easy to do, but guess what- things can be solved. We can do this.” He leans back and wipes away the tears on my cheeks and looks into my eyes. I nod in reply. 

“Do you want to get something to eat?” He asks. I shake my head. He looks worried but walks me back upstairs. “How about we watch a movie?” I nod. 

“Let’s do Spider-Man,” I say, squeezing his hand. 

“Toby Mcguire, Andrew Garfield, or Tom Holland?” He asks. 

“Yes,” I smile up at him and he laughs. “And Into the Spiderverse.” 

“Well okay then. But don’t start getting suspicious of every spider we meet okay?” 

“I can’t promise that. How do you know a spider isn’t radioactive? I might start sticking to the walls and be able to have cool spidey senses.” I move my hands pretending to shoot webs. He laughs and grabs my hands and pulls me into a kiss. 

“Okay well get comfortable, I’ll pull up the first movie.”

____________

We spend the day in bed, watching as much Spider-Man as possible. I fall asleep during Spider-Man 3, but that’s okay. While it may be a fun mess, it’s still a mess. Baz does get us some sandwiches at some point and I eat a little, but mostly I’m just a ball of anxiety waiting for his parents to put us out of our misery. 

Fiona comes up at some point and tells me funny stories about Baz. I think this is her way of trying to help me through this situation. There are pictures of Baz in his soccer uniform at the age of four, shorts almost down to his ankles and missing two front teeth. I take it and plan to frame it in our dorm- it’s seriously the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. 

I also finally gave Baz his Christmas gift. He loves the meaning behind the sweaters that match each other's eyes, and immediately puts it on (I knew he was a softy.) Then he gives me mine.

“You don’t need to get me anything,” I say, starting to open the box. “You literally saved me from David, I think that means you don’t have to get me anything ever again.”

“Well, that would be boring, besides I _had_ to  get you this.” He replies, waiting for me to finish opening the box. 

Inside is a new phone. I immediately groan. 

“You can’t buy me a second new phone. This is twice in the span of a year Baz.” I look up and I see worry. “Not that I don’t love it. It’ll be nice to reach out to some people. But what if David takes it again?”

“He’s never going to get close enough to you to take anything from you again. Besides I’m tired of Penny texting me trying to get ahold of you- really this entire gift is selfish.” 

I reach up and kiss him. 

“Thank you,” I say. “I really don’t know how I deserved you, but if it weren’t for you I’m not sure what I’d be doing today.”

“You’d be sick without me,” He says. I’m confused for a moment. “You’d be walking around in shorts still I’m sure if I didn’t constantly remind you.” I laugh and kiss him again. 

There is a knock at the door and Baz goes to open it. 

“Boys, we want to talk about what is going to happen tomorrow, okay?” Daphne says, a question at the end implying that if we aren’t ready we can hold off. But I’m ready for all of this to be done. 

“Sounds great,” I say, standing up and walking to the door. We follow her down the hall and back into the den. Malcolm is looking through the papers I gave them earlier in the day and there are tea and snacks. I wonder how long they’ve been working through this? 

“Simon,” Malcolm says, sitting up straight and putting down the papers. “We have a plan but we want to discuss it with you first and make sure you are comfortable with it.”

“Okay,” we both sit across from him, Daphne takes his side and waits for him to continue. 

“We’ve contacted our lawyers who are going to meet with us tomorrow. You’ll need to be as honest with them as you were with us, and I think it would also be helpful if you discuss everything David has done to you as well.”

“What do you mean?” I ask. 

“Meaning any acts of violence or abuse. Any harm he has caused you, you should bring that out into the open.” He replies. 

“I don’t know if anyone will believe me.” I shrug. Baz holds my hand and gives it a squeeze. 

“Do you have any kind of evidence?” Daphne asks. She is giving me the mom look again. I wonder if she will ever  _ not _ look at me like this after the past twenty-four hours. 

“I don’t think so,” I say. “We had to go to the hospital once but I told them I was just being clumsy.” 

“That’s okay, you can tell them it was a lie. Given everything else going up to case they will be inclined to believe you.” Malcolm states. 

“How are we going to make sure nothing happens to him as we do this?” Baz asks. 

“Our hope is that we can get a restraining order taken against David. Otherwise, Simon,” Malcolm looks at me. “You’ve got a phone now, correct?”

“Yes,” It’s already in my pocket. Penny has been texting me for the past half an hour.

“Good, so you can call if needed. But also we will make sure you’re not home alone.” Malcolm says. 

“Okay sir,” I reply. 

“Great,” He clasps his hands together. “They are going to come tomorrow at 10:30 in the morning. Does that work for you?”

“Of course,” Baz and I respond. 

“Perfect,” He stands up. “That’s all- we just wanted to update you. You should both probably get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

Baz and I stand up and Daphne grabs my arm and pulls me into a hug. 

“We will make sure you’re safe Simon,” She says. “Thanks for trusting us with this- I know it must have been hard for you.”

“Thank you, really, for everything.” I hold her tight for a moment, appreciating the hug. “It means a lot to have people on my side. 

“Of course Simon,” She lets me go and Baz and I walk out again. 

“Can we get ice cream?” I ask. “I think I’m going to need it to get through the crazy that will be tomorrow.”

“Of course,” Baz turns the corner to walk down the stairs to the kitchen and I follow him. 

Ice cream can solve any problem. Or at least make them easier to handle. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed. All comments and such are appreciated :D. 
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I've also got a few playlists too if you want to check them out. (Links in previous chapters!)


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finally passes everything off to the authorities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jsyk there are Spider-Man spoilers (specifically concerning Gwen Stacy and Andrew Garfield's Spider-Man). 
> 
> Also when they are texting on Baz's phone Simon is the bold and Baz is the italics.

Baz and I eat in silence over breakfast. I’m thinking about everything about to happen, trying to not panic. Mordelia is chatting away about the violin lessons she has this morning, and how she wants to start learning harder material. Baz is nodding along and giving short answers, but he is stiff and nervous too. 

“I’m going to go and take a shower,” I tell him, putting my dishes into the dishwasher. 

“Okay,” He looks up and I know he is worried, but he is trying to give me space to process. 

I can’t tell if I want the space or if I want him to latch on my arm. But I can’t sit there waiting for people to show up for the next hour and a half. I need to do something, and a shower seems like the easiest option. 

Turning the shower on, I undress and let the steam warm my skin before stepping in. I let the water fall against my skin and stand in the heat for minutes when I hear the door open. 

“Would you like company?” Baz asks. I look over and nod my head, and watch him undress and join me in the shower. 

“I’m nervous,” I say as he wraps his arms around me.

“I could tell,” He kisses my forehead. “Thought I could help calm you down.”

“Oh?” I look up at him and raise an eyebrow. “Funny business so early in the day Basilton?”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” He rolls his eyes. “I just thought you could use some company.” 

I hum and kiss his chest and hold him close, cherishing having him close. He rubs my back and reaches for his shampoo. 

“Are you going to wash my hair?” I ask him, tracing circles on his back.

“This is a shower, Snow,” He drawls. “Someone needs to wash your hair anyway.” I laugh but let him continue. 

We spend longer than necessary in the shower, my fingers are pruney and my cheeks are rosy from the heat, but I’m much calmer. We get dressed and then head downstairs to wait for them to show up. 

“How are you doing Simon?” Daphne asks me, putting an arm around me and squeezing my shoulder. 

“I’m alright,” I give her a small smile and she scratches my head and gives me a knowing look. 

“It’ll be okay Simon,” she says before walking to the door. They must be here already. 

“She’s right,” Baz says next to me. “It’ll be good.” 

“I know, it’s just weird.” I let out a dry chuckle. Maybe if I laugh it’ll ease my anxiety. “I’ve kept so much of this to myself for so long, it’s weird telling so many people about it now.” 

“That’s fair,” He reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I smile up at him. 

I see the lawyers walk into the foyer. _Deep breath Simon_. One is a woman, tall with dark skin and long curly hair. She is wearing a deep blue suit with a light pink shirt, and her smile is warm as she sticks out her hand to introduce herself. 

“Emily,” She says. “This is my colleague, Darren.”

Darren sticks his hand out and gives me a warm hello. He seems more casual than Emily, with a goofier smile and wrinkles on the edges of his eyes. His handshake is stiff and he is carrying a briefcase (the kind you’d expect from a lawyer I guess.)

Baz and I follow them into the den after Malcolm and Daphne. 

“Okay, so we have been somewhat briefed in the situation,” Emily starts. “But could you please give us a more in-depth overview Simon?” She leans forward and gives me a warm smile. Everything about her makes me feel open and calm. I guess I thought I’d be more afraid of a lawyer, but she seems genuinely kind. Darren is sitting next to her pulling out a notepad and a pen. 

“Uh, well,” I shift in my seat, painfully aware that all eyes in the room are on me. “What do you already know? I don’t want to repeat anything you’ve already been told.”

“I don’t mind if you do. I’d rather hear it from your point of view anyway.” She leans back again and waits. “If you’d like we can have this conversation just you and me? If you don’t feel comfortable with the number of people in this room.”

“Oh no, everyone knows here besides the two of you I guess,” I shrug. “just weird is all.” I chuckle, releasing some of the tension in my shoulders. Baz gives me a nudge and I look over to see him give me a smile. I reach out and take his hand and play with his fingers in mine before looking up and starting the story. 

It feels like a rehearsed story. I’ve almost disassociated from it, like a different Simon is going through it. I'm just telling his story and holding Baz’s hand. 

“Do you have the file for us?” She asks when I’m finished. 

“Uh,” I look to Daphne who pulls it out of the envelope and passes it over. 

“Okay,” She says, looking over the evidence. “First off,” She looks up from the papers and reaches for my hand. “I’m really glad you came forward with this. It’s not going to be an easy ride, but it’ll be worth it for someone like this to be put behind bars.”

I nod my head in response. 

“Now, I am wondering if he has tried to reach out to you at all?” She asks. I look to Baz. 

“He called the morning after I arrived here,” I say, continuing to look at Baz as I speak. 

“I deleted the voicemail,” He finishes. “He was trying to make it seem like Simon coming here was orchestrated by him.”

“ _Was_ it orchestrated by him?” She asks, although she must already know the answer. 

“No,” I reply. “He had me boarded up in my room and Baz and Fiona broke me out and brought me here.” I look back at her. “Do you think he knows where I am?”

“It could be possible,” She ponders. “If he has called it means this is a location he feels you’d go to.” She bites her lip for a second, thinking to herself. “Do you feel safe here Simon? If he does show up.”

“Yes,” I say without hesitation. They’ve saved me twice now, I trust them completely. 

“Okay,” She gives a nod of her head. “Well, the first thing we need to do is make a police report. This is going to alert him to the charges, are you ready for that Simon?” 

“As ready as I'll ever be,” I try my best smile and ignore the anxiety bubbling in my chest. 

“Okay, are you willing to go to the police today? The quicker the better.” She asks. 

“Yeah, sure,” I reply. It’s just another person, I’ve told this many people so far, what’s another group of people right? People seem to be believing me. Why do I feel so scared then?

“Okay,” She says. “How about we all take a break to eat and Darren and I can look over this more and we can go to the authorities this afternoon.” I nod and smile in response. Baz is the one who nudges me out of my own head and takes me out of the room. 

“Do you want to go out to eat?” He asks softly. 

“I’m not sure if I’m really hungry,” I shrug. “Just anxious and overwhelmed.”

Baz looks worried.

I smile up at him. “Can we watch another Spider-Man movie while others eat?”

“Anything to get us closer to Tom Holland.” He winks and I can feel my smile become more genuine in response. 

“Do I need to be worried?”

“If Tom Holland shows up and miraculously wants to sleep with me?” He purses his lips in thought.“Maybe.”

I mock offense and he nudges my shoulder and gives me a smirk. The joking makes me feel at ease, and I end up racing him up the stairs to his room, jumping into his bed with enthusiasm. Mordelia joins in as well, and we all squeeze in bed to watch the second Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movie. 

“Is this going to be too much for her?” I whisper to Baz. 

“She’s seen it before.” He replies, tossing some popcorn in his mouth.

“I already know Gwen Stacy dies,” She pipes up. “I’m not a moron.” I laugh and move closer to Baz and curl up in his arms. I pull his phone out of his hand and type a message. 

**_can we get milkshakes and fries_ **

**_after the police later?_ **

_ Of course, Snow.  _

**I love you <3**

_ I love you too. Now pay  _

_ attention before Mordi says _

_ we are flirting too much. _

**_but I want to flirt._ **

He chuckles, puts his phone away, and holds me tighter as we continue to watch the movie. 

**____________**

Going to the police ends up taking a lot longer than I could have ever predicted. I was questioned by several people, they collected evidence, and I had to fill out paperwork. Emily, Baz, and Daphne are there to help me through the process. 

They’re going to bring David in for questioning once they have enough to go on, which shouldn’t take long (according to the detective at least.) I leave about six hours later with a hazy brain, empty stomach, and fucking _exhausted_. 

“Still want a milkshake?” Baz whispers in my ear. “I’ll order fries too so you can do that disgusting thing you love so much.”

“First of all,” I quietly argue back, “it is not disgusting. Secondly, I am always in the mood for ice cream and potatoes.” 

“Thought so,” Baz kisses my forehead. “We can take my car. Do you want to change when we get home before heading out?”

“Yeah, that’d be good. I kind of want this day wiped off of me.”

____________

Within an hour we’ve gotten back into a car, I’m wearing joggers and a sweatshirt, and feel happy to finally not be surrounded by people. Baz, the jerk, still looks amazing. He’s got his nice dark grey coat on, the blue sweater I bought him, and jeans. Baz claims this is  _ casual _ but I think he doesn’t understand what actual lazy clothes are. 

I’m going to have to teach him how to be properly lazy. 

“Strawberry shake?” Baz asks. 

“Choco mint actually,” I reply. 

“Oh? I’m used to you getting strawberry.” Baz states, looking over the menu. 

“The place by school doesn’t have chocolate mint, so strawberry is a good second option.” I shrug. He nods in response, still intently looking at the menu. 

“Okay I’ve got it,” He sits up and drops the menu. “We get every type of fry here and try them all in the shakes.”

“So you mean you’re stooping to my level Baz?” I try to copy his typical raised eyebrow look, he rolls his eyes but his smile tells me he enjoys it. 

“In operation ‘make this shitty day better’, yes. I will stoop to your level and have fries, tater tots, and onion rings dipped in shakes. Consider it a science experiment, what goes best in different shakes.” 

“Onion rings can’t taste good.” I grimace. 

“As a wise man once said, don’t knock it till you try it.” He winks before turning to the waitress and ordering the three different fries they have (curly, steak, and regular), the tater tots, and the onion rings, along with strawberry, chocolate mint, and cherry milkshakes. 

“Is your master plan to woo me with dairy and carbs?” I joke after the waitress leaves. 

“Is it working?” He leans forward and smirks at me.

“I think my pants have already fallen to the floor.” I reach forward to casually take a drink of my water. 

“Too bad,” He leans back and looks me over. “I was thinking I could do that later.” I choke on my water and spill a bit on my sweatshirt. 

The food comes after half an hour. It looks absolutely glorious, and the onion rings in milkshakes taste better than I ever would have thought. 

“I think I’ve found a new favorite,” I say, dipping a ring in the cherry milkshake. 

“I’m honestly not surprised, but I am entirely disgusted.” Despite this, Baz continues to dip a curly fry in the chocolate mint shake. 

“What do you think David is going to do when they reach out to him?” I ask this quietly, worried David might hear me from wherever he is. 

“I wish I knew,” He replies, putting down the spoon he was using to dig out a fallen fry. “But I can say you won’t have to go through this alone. You’ve got a group of people who love you.” 

“Thanks, Baz.”

“No problem,” He reaches for his phone. “I’m getting a phone call actually- sorry it’s Daphne.”

“Oh yeah for sure.” I wave him off. 

“Probably wants us to get ice cream for Mordelia.” He rolls his eyes and answers the phone. 

I continue to eat during his short responses with Daphne. He tenses up, but that could be due to anything. When he hangs up the phone he takes a deep breath and grabs another fry. 

“What’s up?” I ask. 

“It’s nothing.” He mumbles. “But we should probably go.” He pulls out cash and places it on the receipt the waitress brought with the food. 

“Obviously not.” Now I’m concerned. “What’s going on?”

“I’ll explain in the car.” He grabs his coat and buttons it up, waiting for me to follow suit. 

“Uh, okay.” I rush out of the booth and follow him to his car. My mind is racing with possibilities. Did something happen to his family? I hope they are all okay. I can’t think of anything else that would cause him this much distress. 

“David showed up at the house looking for you.” He says when we get in the car. 

“Oh.” 

“Daphne doesn’t think he knows yet, but she is worried he may be watching the house. She called the police to let them know what was happening, but they can’t legally do anything yet. Right now it's a concerned parent checking in on his son.” He is stiff as he holds onto the wheel. “She said he left but he could be anywhere in town. So it might be best if we go home.”

“Okay, yeah I guess that makes sense.”

“But what if he is watching the house, Simon?” He looks over at me. 

“We could sneak in? Like I’ll just sit low and you pull into the garage.” 

“Yeah.. that might work.” He nods. “I don’t want him to know where you are. It’ll make things worse for you if he does.”

“I think things are already pretty bad Baz.” I lean back in the seat. “But I guess every time I think that he somehow makes it worse.” 

“Yeah.” He puts the car in reverse and pulls out of the parking lot. “It’ll be okay though. We’ve got protection and he’ll never know you were there.”

I nod and take a deep breath. 

“Just let me know when we are home, okay?” I take the blanket he has in the back seat and cover myself with it, hoping for this all to be over with quickly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I know things are getting kind of intense with authorities and such.. we are nearing the end of this story and it feels so weird haha. 
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> (Also check out my playlists...)


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The police can't find David, so Simon and Baz return to school on edge. Will he show up randomly? Or will the police catch him first?
> 
> (Spring 2021 pt 1)

It’s been a few days since David showed up at Baz’s house. We got inside without a problem, and he hasn’t tried to make contact with us again. 

However, the police want to move forward for questioning and cannot find him anywhere. They’ve checked school, at our house up north, and anywhere in between. He’s gone essentially off the grid, and the police are running out of strategies to get him to come out. 

Their next best bet is finding the person who called him to get him to pay, but who knows how long that will take. 

Right now Baz and I are trying to pack and get things together for our last semester of school. We are on edge, waiting for David to appear. The police aren’t going public yet, with fear they may scare him deeper into hiding (if that is what he is doing.) They’ve told the school they need to call the minute David shows up, so if he does come to campus things can get taken care of quickly. 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Baz asks for the millionth time since we decided to pack for school. His worry has permeated every second of these last few days, ruining even New Year’s Eve. I surprised him with mistletoe and a midnight kiss, but even that moment ended with Baz trying to convince me to run far away. 

“He’s not going to keep me from going to school. I refuse to let him have control over me anymore.” I reply. I’m sitting on the couch, as I’ve not much to pack. Most of my things are up at the house, and while I may not want to stay away from school it’d be incredibly stupid of me to go to his house. “The school knows, police and security on campus are aware of the situation, and I am sure you, Pen, and Shep will make sure I’m not left alone for even a breath before he is taken into custody.”

“You are correct,” He huffs back, dropping the shirt he’s been folding and refolding for the past ten minutes. “I just don’t want to walk you into a death trap.”

“Baz,” I stand up and wrap my arms around him. I lean up and kiss his neck as he picks his shirt up again and properly folds it for the last time. “You can’t let this eat you alive. We can be cautious and safe, of course, but it can’t consume every second of our lives. It’s our last semester at school together. We need to enjoy it. David doesn’t have the right to take our last teen year away from us.”

“I hate when you’re smarter than me.” He turns around in my arms and holds me close, my head fitting perfectly under his. “I can’t help but worry. Given his history, you can’t blame me.”

“It’s weird for both of us, so quit it so I can go back to being the dumb pretty one in the relationship.” 

“I think I am the smart AND pretty one.” He laughs, rubbing my back. 

“Well if you are both smart and pretty, what is left for me? I’m certainly not the jock in this relationship”

“Or the nerd really, though your love of science does make you a bit of one.”

“So what am I?”

“You, Simon Snow,” He leans back and lifts my chin so that I am looking into his grey eyes, “are an absolute travesty, a complete nightmare. You are the love of my life and are infuriatingly annoying, gorgeous, and perfect in every way.”

“Literally nothing you said makes sense.”

“That’s you in a nutshell.” He kisses my forehead. “Now let’s finish packing. Daphne will kill you if you make me late.”

“I finished packing an hour ago, this is all on you, my dude.” I laugh and walk back to the couch.

“You’re distracting,” He says as he walks to his closet to grab the last sweater on the hanger. “Are you sure you don’t want to go shopping for any clothes?”

“I’ll be okay,” I wave him off. “I’ve got plenty back at school.”

I pick my phone up and start playing music, trying to make sure that I don’t let myself sink into my own head. 

“You’ve been on a Vampire Weekend kick lately,” Baz mentions, zipping up his bag and turning back towards me. 

“I’m just trying to learn as much as I can since I think I'm dating a vampire” I wink, and he takes a pillow and throws it at me. 

“Am I a dinosaur or a vampire? Make a decision.” He laughs, joining me on the couch.

“You stay up awfully late.” I tap my finger to my chin, pretending to be deep in thought. 

“Or you just go to bed impossibly early.” He rolls his eyes and tickles my feet. I screech and fall to the floor laughing. 

“You’re playing dirty,” I glare up at him, taking the pillow he threw at me and tossing it up to his bed. 

“Well, I am an evil monster. Shall I get the fangs to match?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“Bite me.” I lean back on the ground.

“Kinky.” He taps my foot with his and I can’t help but laugh. “But let’s save that for when we are back in our room at Watford.” He stands up and grabs his bag. “Let’s go, slowpoke.”

I get up, grab my bag, and follow him to the car. 

**____________**

“Simon!” I hear a shout as Baz and I walk into the cafeteria. “Baz!” I hear again. I look around to find the voice and see Penny standing up at a booth with Shepard. 

“Hey!” I wave back “We’ll be there in a minute!” She nods and sits down, back to whatever they were talking about before. 

“So,” Baz says, grabbing a plate. “What will your last first meal at Watford be then?” He moves to grab some salad as I look around the room. 

“A sandwich.” I walk over to make myself one at the deli counter. 

“I shouldn’t be surprised.” He laughs, starting to make himself one as well. 

“If it ain’t broke, right?” I laugh and look up at him. 

“I can’t believe you just said that word.” 

“Broke?”

“Ain’t.” He says, a wrinkle on his nose. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you, what did I say?” I cup my hand around my ear, pretending to listen closer. 

“Fuck off,” He smirks, pushing me away. I laugh as I follow him to the booth. 

“So, tell us all about your Christmas break,” Penny asks as soon as we sit down. 

“I think you already know the bulk of what happened,” I say, taking a bite out of my sandwich. “I’d much rather hear about yours.”

She nods solemnly, then starts on a rant about Christmas in her big family. She’s got a fairly big family, so the holidays are apparently extra stressful. She and Shepard spent the last few days of break together. They seem even closer in their relationship, and I can’t help but smile. Penny deserves to be happy.

“So Simon,” Shepard starts, putting down his fork. “I know we don’t know all the details, but I’ve heard you went to the police, and they can’t find David. Is that right?”

“Yeah,” I mumble back in response. 

“Damn,” He lets out a low whistle afterward. “If it helps he stopped trying to contact me too.” He shrugs. 

“He was contacting you still?” Baz asks for me. 

“Yeah, trying to figure out where Simon was. He stopped on New Years. But I’m going to guess that’s when he went off the grid.” 

“Do you know where he was?” Penny frowns. “You didn’t mention that to me.”

“I wasn’t responding so I assumed it was no big deal, I’m sorry.” He replies. “I can show you my phone.” He pulls it from his back pocket and opens the texts. 

We look through the messages, most of which are just check-ins trying to figure out my location. The last one, however, gives an indication as to where he is. 

David (Dean)

Friday, January 1st, 2021 5:21 pm

Hello Shepard. 

I’m in your neck of the woods,

seeing if Simon came out this way

since this is where we were 

before moving east. If you know of 

anything please contact me. I can 

easily come up to Omaha and grab him. 

Thank you.

I put the phone down and look at Baz and Penny. 

“So he was back in the midwest.” I state. 

“We should tell the Police, Simon.” Baz says, pulling out his phone. “I’ve got the number saved that the cops gave us in case anything happened.”

“Here I can call,” I reach out and press dial. “I’ll take this outside so no one hears.” I step out of the booth and out in the hall. There are kids messing around so I step into the bathroom to finish out the call. 

The police thank me for keeping them updated and say they will reach out to precincts in the area to keep an eye out for him. Since it has been days since the text, however, he could be anywhere. 

It doesn’t feel like we have many answers, but we are closer to finding where he is. 

I step out of the bathroom, sliding Baz’s phone in my back pocket when I feel a hand wrap around my arm and pull me in the other direction. I’m taken aback so it’s easier for me to be pulled around, and I’m out the doors before I realize who has grabbed me. 

“Dad?” I ask. He has a hood over his head and is dressed in dark colors, but I’d recognize him anywhere. 

“Shh,” He whispers. “I’m getting you out of here and taking you somewhere safe.”

“I’m already somewhere safe,” I try to pull my arm from his grasp but his grip is too tight. My blood spikes as I think of what I could do next. “It’s going somewhere with you that makes me feel otherwise.”

“You let those fucking people get into your head.” He pulls me close, his eyes bearing deep into my own. “I need to take you away from them. They’ve put crazy thoughts in your brain like I’m out to hurt you. I’m only here to help you and keep you safe. Lucy-”

“My mother tried to get me away from you,” I growl. “And they didn’t put anything in my head. You’re the one who has been hurting me.”   
  
“You’re sick in the head,” He replies. “I’ll help that. We’ll get you on medicine or something. I’ve only ever tried to help you. There must be something wrong if you feel otherwise.” He yanks me down again. I feel any security that I had slip away the farther he pulls me from Baz, Penny, and Shepard. 

“Let me go!” I shout.  _ Please let someone hear me. _

He continues to pull me as I kick and scream out. But no one comes. I finally get in one good kick, and I start to run when he pulls out something shiny and black. 

_ A gun. _

I hate living in America. 

“If you don’t come I’ll use this on your friends.” He growls, standing up straight. “I wanted to do this the easy way, but you had to make it difficult. Now get in the car or I shoot your friends’ faces off in front of you.”

Just when I think my anxiety can’t spike any further, he manages to make it worse. Shooting me wouldn’t stop me from running, but he knows if he threatens my friends I’ll listen. 

It’s at this moment I hear Baz. 

“Simon?” He shouts. “Are you out here?”

“Your choice boy,” He clicks the safety off his gun, pointing in the direction of Baz’s voice. 

It takes a moment of hesitation, but I run towards David and into his car. David ties my hands behind the seat and buckles me in like I’m a four-year-old. He slaps a cloth into my mouth and pushes it in farther by putting duct tape over it. When we take off in his jeep I see Baz’s face, and judging by his eyes he can see me. 

David sticks his gun out of the window and shoots off one bullet as we go down the road. It all happens so fast, my scream muffled by my gag. I have no idea if his bullet landed at his target. 

_ Please let Baz be okay _ . I think as silent tears stream down my cheeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Songs:
> 
> Walcott- Vampire Weekend 
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is grateful for three things:  
> 1\. Penelope Bunce.  
> 2\. His ability to swipe a phone open with his nose.  
> 3\. Baz fucking Pitch.

David takes me to a motel nearby. I’m not far away from school, which provides me with some comfort. Maybe that’ll increase the likelihood of someone coming for me. 

I keep feeling Baz’s phone go off in my pocket. Maybe if I’m lucky I can sneak it out and send someone my location. 

_I hope Baz is okay._

“Okay, we are going to stay here overnight and move on in the morning.” He sits down on his bed and pulls out some food.

My stomach growls. I never did finish my sandwich. 

David doesn't notice, of course. 

I’m tied to the bed frame, gag still in my mouth. I’ve always hated the feel of cotton in my mouth, so this is a personal hell (outside of the fact my murderous father has me tied up and gagged in a hotel room.) 

“Now it’s time for us to go to sleep,” He says standing up. I feel relief wash over me. Maybe while he is asleep I can figure something out. “But I don’t want to risk you running out on me. We have some things to talk about.” He turns back around and he has something I can’t quite make out in his hands. “I know you’re the one who turned me into the cops.” _Yikes_. “And you’ll be rectifying those statements soon, but first.” He steps closer and I feel pressure in my arm. “Goodnight Simon.” He throws something in the bin nearby and my head starts to get fuzzy. 

He climbs into bed and I can’t help but close my eyes. When did I get so tired? What did he just do? 

I guess I can figure all of that out in the morning. 

____________

When I wake up my head is throbbing, and there is light filtering through the blinds in the window. My vision is blurry, so I try to blink it away. I can hear David softly snoring in the distance. I wonder if I can get to Baz’s phone. 

I maneuver my hands, which are behind my back and attached to the bed, to get to the pocket in the back of my jeans. My movement is sluggish, and it takes some awkward moves, but I finally get a grip on the phone and throw it by my hip. I look up at David and hear him continue to snore. 

Now what? If I didn’t have this stupid tape and cloth in my mouth I could at least get Siri to do something, but with my hands bound I don’t have many options.

Luckily I got a call from none other than Penny Bunce. Sometimes I wonder if I have bad luck trailing me, but it's moments like these that make me feel like maybe there is a guardian angel watching me. 

I see the phone ring and immediately get on my knees and bend down as much as I can to try and answer it with my nose. It takes a couple of tries, and the phone keeps awkwardly sliding away from me, but I get a swipe and answer the phone. 

“Simon?” I hear her through the speaker of the phone. “Are you there?”

I could cry with relief. How am I supposed to answer her though? 

“Baz,” I hear her say. “Someone answered, they’re not speaking.” 

My heart stops. _Baz_. 

“Simon,” I hear his voice come through. “We are tracking my phone and there are people on their way. Please stay wherever it is you are.”

My eyes start to water from relief. Baz is okay. He isn't hurt or damaged, and he is with Penny. My stupid situation didn't take him as a casualty. 

I try as hard as possible to keep the tears from going down my cheeks. David can't see, he can't know. I have to stay calm. 

I won't have to wait long, I hope. They’re on their way. Baz is saving me (yet again. Maybe I am the damsel in distress in my own story.) I hear the bed shift and hit end call and nudge the phone under the bed as fast as I can. 

“Did you get a good night's sleep?” David asks, smirking as he looks down on me. I glare up at him as he moves to the bathroom. “I guess I need to let you take care of some things too, but there needs to be a level of trust Simon.” He closes the door on me. 

When he comes back out he moves to me and reaches behind and I feel the ties loosen around my wrists. I didn’t realize how much they hurt, but there is an ache where the ropes were tied previously. I try to rub away some of the pain, but it's still there. 

“I hope I don’t have to remind you of the risks involved with trying anything funny,” He gives me a serious look. I shake my head and get up. “Good. We leave in fifteen minutes, so do what you need to do.” 

I walk to the bathroom and close the door behind me. He puts his foot in the way. I should have known I’m not allowed to have complete privacy. 

My first act after going to the bathroom is to remove my gag. There is a line around my mouth from where the duct tape was, and my skin is pink and tingly. I grab toothpaste to try and remove any gross taste lingering in my mouth. 

I’m trying to take as long as possible. I hope Baz gets here soon. He said they're coming. 

I hope it is more than him and Penny. Baz is smart, surly he involved the officials. 

“Hurry up!” I hear David shout. I don’t reply back. I’m not sure if I was allowed to remove my gag or not. 

That’s when I hear a knock on the door and relief washes over me. _Please let that be them_. 

“What the fuck,” I hear David say. I walk out of the bathroom and see him step towards the door and look through the peephole. “How on earth did they find me?” He asks himself. Then he turns around and I see both of our eyes dart towards the gun he has sitting on his bed. 

The next part happens in slow motion. I feel my limbs moving as fast as I can, but panic fills me as I worry he will beat me. When I feel my hand wrap around the handle I quickly yank it back towards me and point it in his direction. 

“Simon,” He says, hands up in defense. “You don’t want to do this.”

“Open up!” We hear from the other side of the door. “It’s the police.”

“It’s over David,” I say. I’m pointing the gun at him, but I’m terrified of everything. I don’t think I could pull the trigger even if I needed to. “It’s time to stop running and give up.”

“I’ve done nothing wrong,” He replied, stepping closer to me. I hear a bang on the other side of the door as whoever on the other end tries to get in. 

“You drugged your son who was bound and gagged because you did nothing wrong?” I ask. I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous he is being. 

It makes me sound deranged. 

“I know you think I did something bad, but I only did all of this to protect you. To protect your mother. She didn’t see how I was helping you both.” He drops his hands. I hear people talking about a key outside the door.

“So she had to die?” I let the gun drop. I hear a click of a room key being swiped. 

“It broke my heart,” He starts to say, but the room is flooded with police, pointing guns in our direction. I drop the gun on the bed and fall to the ground. 

“David Llewellyn you are under arrest.” I hear one of the cops say. 

They’re reading him his Miranda rights as they cuff him and walk out. I hear people talking around me and arms I don’t recognize pulling me up. 

I can't help but think of those moments in films where the sound is muffled. It always seemed over the top, but at this moment it's exactly what's happening. I'm moving, the world is going on around me, but it feels far away. 

“Simon, are you okay?” Lights flash in my eyes and I flinch. I just want it to end.

“Is Simon in there?” I hear a voice outside shout. 

“Sir, please stay back.”

“Please, I’m his boyfriend, I just need to know he’s okay.” _Baz_. 

That makes me look around. I realize a paramedic is holding me and I push him off. 

“Baz?” I shout. The paramedic is trying to hold me back, says something about tests, but I have eyes for only one thing. 

“Simon!” He shouts back, pushing past an officer as I step outside of the room. It takes seconds before I am wrapped in his arms, both of us crying. 

“I was so worried about you,” I say into his chest. 

“You absolute idiot,” He laughs. “If anyone was worried it was me. What did you have to worry about?”

“The gunshots,” I hold onto him tighter. “I didn’t know if he hit you.”

“Oh no, he’s an awful shot.” He kisses the top of my head. “I think he took some bark off a nearby tree, that was it.” 

“Can we go home?” I ask quietly. I don't want to be here anymore. Why do I have to be here? David has already been put in a car. Why does he get to leave but not me?

It doesn't seem fair. 

“I think you’ll need to answer some questions and get checked out.” He replies, pushing some of my hair off my head. “But I’ll be here with you for every step.”

“If I have to.” 

I am approached by the paramedic to make sure I’m okay. I think whatever David injected me with is out of my system, but I tell him in case they need to know (Baz tries his best to not act as horrified as I know he is. But his tight grip on my hand tells me otherwise.) They take me to the hospital to run a couple of blood tests, but otherwise, I think I am okay. 

The cops, of course, follow and proceed to ask me questions. They took David into custody, and are going to proceed with prosecuting. Baz reaches out to Daphne to contact their lawyers and they respond almost immediately. I should feel more comforted, but the idea of the next steps of this process fills me with dread. 

“Oh wait, one more thing,” I say as the officer starts to leave. “At the end of my conversation with him, I think David confessed to killing my mom.” 

“Really?” Baz whispers. 

The cop pulls out a notepad to write down what David said before leaving again. I turn back to Baz and reach out for his hand. 

“Can we go home?” I ask once more. 

“Soon,” he replies, lifting my hand and giving it a kiss. “You had quite the return to school, so they need to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh fuck,” I realize. “Classes started today. Why are you here? You need to go to class.” 

“One day gone will be okay. Besides, I think the teachers will understand that I had to go help my roommate who got kidnapped by his murderous father.”

“I’m sorry,” I lean back. “I can’t believe I made you miss the first day of classes.”

“Not you. David.” Baz corrects. “Remember this is all his fault. You didn’t go and get yourself kidnapped.”

“Fine,” I sigh. 

“Mr. Llewellyn?” A nurse asks. I groan. 

“No one calls me that,” I reply. It comes out more dry and rude than I meant. 

“Sorry, I’m just going from the chart.” 

“You’re okay, not your fault.” I sigh. “Can I go home?”

“Yes, we are releasing you. If anything abnormal happens though please come back right away.” She says, reaching over and taking wires off me. 

“Thank God,” I say, jumping up as soon as she is done. “Let’s get out of here.” I slip my jeans on and then my shirt after taking off my hospital gown. 

“Eager much?” Baz asks, grinning as he helps me out. 

“Eager to get away from this whole thing with my boyfriend that I still need to kiss senseless?” I smirk up at him. “Hell yeah.”

Baz’s smile is blinding and utterly beautiful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you liked it (I know it's intense...)
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I've also got some playlists if you want them! Check em out (why not right?)


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon thinks he is fine, and Snowbaz goes on a proper date. 
> 
> (Spoiler: Simon is, understandably, not fine.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jsyk there are depictions of panic attacks towards the end of the chapter. It starts at the end of their date, when they're heading to the bus stop, and to the rest of the chapter. 
> 
> (If you want to skip it I totally understand. I'll give a quick synopsis at the notes in the end.)

“You know, you can take a break if you need to,” Baz states, not for the first time this week. 

“I know, but this helps,” I reply, continuing to do my work. 

Getting back from the hospital meant teachers expected me to take a week off from school to regroup. I knew if I had I would be sinking down into the abyss of my own thoughts. So I’m sitting here, working on a reflection for western civ. 

“If you’re sure, but I think taking a break would be good,” Baz replies, turning back to his work. 

“Maybe this weekend, we do have a long weekend anyway.” I shrug. “Do you have plans?”

“Nope, “ He turns and grins at me. “What do you have in mind?” 

I pretend to think for a moment. 

“We could go on a proper date?” I ask. “We haven’t really done that, you know. Could be good.”

“Are you asking me out, Simon Snow?” He leans in and has an evil grin on his face. 

“Well, after dating for about a year at this point, it’s time I think.” I jut out my chin and stand up, looking down at him. “Stand up so I can do this properly.”

He follows my order, and smirks at me, giving me a challenge. This alone eases the tension a bit, if I’m going to do this I’m glad he is giving me a full Baz response to it. 

“Baz Pitch, would you go on a date with me?” I ask, reaching out for his hands. 

“Hmm..” He looks to the side and purses his lips. “What are you thinking of doing?”  _ Fucker. _

“That is a surprise,” I smile, hoping that I’ve appeased him. “But you should be dressed and ready by six on Friday.” 

“What’s the attire? Do I need to get a new suit?” He squeezes my hands as he talks. 

“God no,” I chuckle. “The date I’m taking you on isn’t going to need suits. At least not this time around.”

“What a shame,” He thinks for a moment. “I think I may be busy Friday night.” I hit him in response, but laugh. 

“I’ll have to ask my boyfriend if it’s okay that I go on a date with someone.” He’s laughing too as we poke each other. 

“I think you’ll find he would be completely okay with it.” He pokes my side and I squeal. 

“I don’t know, he’s kind of the jealous type. He may not approve of me being taken out on a Friday night by a disastrously beautiful man.” He kisses my forehead. 

“Does this mean you’re saying yes?” I ask him quietly, looking into his grey eyes. 

“Of course,” He kisses my nose. “I’m a fool for you, Simon Snow. You could take me to a landfill and I’d still be happy because I would be with you.”

“You’re a sap,” I grin. “But I’m glad the bar is set low for me.” 

“I wouldn’t say that,” He kisses me and then backs up to his bed. “If you take me to a landfill I will reconsider this whole arrangement.”

“Noted,” I reply before returning to my work. 

____________

“The school counselor keeps checking in on me,” I say while packing up in the library. It’s almost time for me to go grab Baz for our date night, and I thought it’d be nice if I properly went to pick him up. Penny was kind enough to keep me company at the library, and only tried to fix my hair seven times before we started to pack up. 

“I think that’s fair,” Penny replies, pulling her bag onto her shoulder. “It might not be a bad idea to have a meeting with a counselor.” 

“But I’m fine, Pen.” I am so tired of everyone walking on eggshells. It’s been two weeks since everything, I feel perfectly fine. 

“Sure, sure Si.” She sighs. “But I still think it would be a good idea. It is still very fresh, you don’t know how this kind of stuff could mess around with you.”

I groan and walk out of the building, Penny following behind me. 

“I just don’t see what the big deal is.” I start. 

“You don’t?” Penny looks at me like I’m being ridiculous. I certainly don’t feel like I am. 

“Yeah, I mean the person who has arguably fucked my life up to more than anyone else is currently behind bars. I should be happy and relieved. This should be the best I’ve felt in a while.”

“Do you feel that way?” 

“What way?”

“Relieved, happy, safe.” She kind of whispers her response, and if I hadn’t been listening close I wouldn’t have heard the last word. 

“I mean, yeah?” I don’t mean for it to sound like a question, but it comes out like one. 

“If you’re sure.” She shrugs. I don’t think she believes me. Maybe I don’t believe myself either. “But I’m here for you, Si. We are all here for you in whatever way you need us.”

“I know, Pen.” I bump her shoulder. “Now wish me luck on my date.” I turn to the dorms to meet Baz. 

“You don’t need it, Simon.” She grins before heading the other direction for the girls’ dorms. 

I take a deep breath and walk to the elevator, pulling the flowers I bought earlier out of my bag. I’ve not been on a proper date with a boy before, so I hope this is a good move to make. Baz seems like the type who would enjoy flowers on a date. I’ve seen his closet at home and he has a suit with roses printed all over it. I hope I can see him in it one day. On me it would look ridiculous, but on Baz I bet it looks perfect. 

I walk down the hall and stop at Shepard’s room. 

“Hey, do you mind if I leave one of my bags in here?” I ask, standing in his doorway. He is playing some game on his Xbox, but he gives me a thumbs up and I drop my bag. I have a smaller bag still slung over my shoulder with supplies for later. 

It may seem silly but the idea of picking Baz up from our room feels important. Like I should make it feel as traditional as possible. So when I reach our door, I straighten up and then knock three times. 

He answers almost immediately and looks absolutely breathtaking. I shouldn’t have expected anything less, of course, but sometimes his ability to make me speechless astounds me. His hair is down in loose waves (I told him I like it better like that once, he must have taken it to heart), he is wearing the sweater I bought him for Christmas, along with black pants that seem to fit him like a glove. 

“Did I do an okay job getting ready?” He asks, and when I look back up at his face he is smirking. I must look like a moron right now. 

“Satisfactory, of course.” I smile back and hold out the flowers for him. He smiles and moves them to a cup of water I left by my bed. 

“I may as well put your messy habits to good use, Snow.” He winks and throws on his coat before closing the door behind him. “Where are we off to?”

“Calm down, I’ve got this.” I wrap my arm around him and we walk to the elevator. 

“There is nothing calming about that statement.” He jokes in return. I roll my eyes.

“You look very nice, by the way.” He says. I know the standards for me are set pretty low since usually I typically dress like a 'trash gremlin' (Penny's words.) I even used a bit of his nice shampoo and conditioner in my hair to help my curls. 

“Thanks,” I reply, walking us towards the bus. “You, of course, are stunning.”

“Are you taking me on the bus, Snow?” He raises an eyebrow and looks at the bench. 

“Well, I wasn’t going to make you drive us.” I shrug. 

“I certainly wouldn’t mind doing so.” 

“Would you prefer that?” Now I’m worried I’ve already messed it up. “I’m sorry, I just thought it would be nice. This way we can talk without being distracted by driving.”

“When you put it like that,” He smiles, stepping closer to me as the bus pulls up. “I don’t mind the bus at all.” I reach out my hand and we walk onto the bus. 

**____________**

The night goes well after that. We grab some food from the diner we always have milkshakes and fries at, and take it to the park nearby to eat and chat. I packed a blanket into the bag I brought with us and we are able to look at the stars. 

“It’s harder to see the stars at school,” I say, leaning my head on Baz’s shoulder. “I like the view from here.”

“So do I,” he replies, kissing the top of my head. 

“So, have I done okay?” I lean on my elbow and look down on him. “Was this an okay first date?”

“Any date with you would have been good.” He smiles up at me. “And it was made even better by the fact that you didn’t take me to a landfill.” I laugh and lean down to kiss him softly. 

“Good, I’m glad.” I cup his face with my free hand, kissing him softly again. “Should we go back to school?”

“Are you trying to get me to sleep with you on the first date Snow?” He smirks. “I am a much more honorable man than you take me to be.”

“I was thinking it’s getting late and chilly, and you might want to go back to be warm under the covers.” I roll my eyes. “But we can stay out here and freeze if you want to.”

“I see your point,” He sits up. “Let’s go back to where it is warmer. We can pop in a movie if you’d like. We still need to finish Spider-Man.”

“Oh yes, it’s time for _Far From Home_.” I stand up and fold up the blanket before reaching for Baz’s hand and walking to the bus stop. 

“So, does this mean the next date is my turn?” Baz asks as we make the final turn to the stop. 

“If that means we get a second date, then yes please.” I smile at him, looking at the times for the buses. We’ve got three minutes, good timing on our part. 

“I hope you’re ready for it,” He smirks, running a hand along my jaw. I can’t help but shiver at his touch. He leans in to whisper in my ear. “You’re going to have to wear a suit for mine.” I groan. 

“Really?” 

“Yup.” He smiles, giving the p an extra pop when he says it. I groan again. 

Looking to my left I see the bus making its way to us, but then something else catches my eye for a brief moment. It looks like… but it can’t be. My heart rate spikes and I can feel my breath becoming more shallow. 

“Simon?” Baz asks. “Simon, are you okay?” I sit down on the bench and put my head in my hands, trying as hard as I can to breathe like a normal person. 

_ It can’t have been him. He’s in jail, they wouldn’t have let him go. Not after everything. _

I keep repeating this to myself as Baz tries to calm me down. The bus moves on without us, and that makes me spiral even more. If I saw David, then we lost our one chance to get away from him. 

Baz grabs one of my hands and puts it on his chest, breathing slowly. He’s done this before to try to calm me down, but I don’t know if it’ll work this time. I can’t seem to calm down. 

“Simon, please.” He begs. “It’s okay. I don’t know what you saw but it’s okay.” He runs a hand through my curls. My chest feels so tight, and I want to tell him what’s wrong but I can’t get the words out. 

We sit like that for a while, Baz trying to calm me down. I feel like I’m suffocating, but eventually my breathing evens out and I can form words again. 

“Him,” I say finally. “I thought I saw him.” I look up into Baz’s eyes. 

“He’s not here Simon,” He pulls me close, rubbing my back a bit for comfort. “Do you want me to make sure?”

I nod my head. Knowing he is still in jail waiting to be sentenced and not showing up on the streets at the end of my date would help. Baz reaches for his phone and shoots a text off. 

“I texted Daphne to make sure, okay?” He lifts my chin so I am looking up at him again. “Would you like to go home?” I nod slightly, and then wince as I realize I messed up our chance to get home on the bus. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, dropping my head again as he types on his phone.

“Don’t be silly, I’m calling an Uber. It’ll be quick and easy.” He says, continuing to type. “There, they’ll be here in three minutes.” He puts his phone up and looks at me again. “Simon, I love you.”

“I love you too,” I say, sniffing the snot my tears have caused. “I’m sorry I ruined our date.”

“Don’t,” He pulls out a handkerchief.  _ Of course he has one of those. _ “It was wonderful. And I will not have your negative feelings ruining it.”

“Okay,” I blow my nose and sigh. “I didn’t think I’d have such a strong reaction to maybe seeing him. How am I going to survive seeing him for real during the trials?”

“Well for one, you’ll be surrounded by people who love you,” Baz reassures, standing up as the Uber pulls over. “And two, you’ll be prepared. This was a time when you didn’t think you’d see him. Luckily it’s not him, but a surprise sighting isn’t going to be good for anyone in your situation.”

“I guess,” I shrug, following him into the car. I pull out my phone to fidget with, and I notice yet another email notification from the school counselor. Baz puts his head on my shoulder and pulls me close to him. 

“It might be a good idea to go,” Baz whispers as I look at the email. I shrug. 

“I guess, I just didn’t think I needed it. I thought I was doing alright.”

“I don’t think anyone would be alright after everything you’ve been through,” He moves some curls out of my face. “It might be nice to get some help” 

I nod, staring at my phone for a few more moments before putting it away. 

“I’ll email her back in the morning.” I decide. It wouldn’t hurt, I guess. 

“Sounds like a good idea,” He replies. The Uber driver pulls into the school, and I realize that I know the song he is playing. It’s a Glass Animals song, which isn’t typical of Ubers to be playing on a Friday night. 

I nod to the lyrics, letting my eyes water again, thinking of my mother, and how I have her eyes, and how I wish she were here to help me through this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed :D. 
> 
> Song mentioned: Youth by Glass Animals
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I've also got some playlists if you wanna listen to them :). 
> 
> (Also if you skipped the panic attack part, here is what generally happened:  
> Simon thought he saw David, panicked, they missed their bus, Baz calls an Uber, and Simon decides maybe he should see a counselor after all.)


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon goes to therapy and there is a trial date for his father.

“So, Simon, how are things going?” The counselor asks from her chair. I’m sitting on the couch across from her, and I feel itchy in my skin. It feels like I’m being examined. I guess that's the point of therapy though. 

“As good as you think I probably am,” I respond. Such a dumb question. 

“Fair,” She chuckles. “As a therapist, I should probably be better about asking that question of my patients.” 

I shrug. 

“I think it’s a knee jerk question to ask when you see someone.” 

We have seen each other a couple of times, and I like her. I promise I do, but I’m still not used to this whole  _ counseling _ thing. I keep waiting for her to spring her allegiance towards David on me since she worked with him. 

She hasn’t yet, which makes me feel better. However, the whole talking about my feelings hasn’t been the easiest for me. Baz is sitting outside reading a book because I asked him to. Knowing he is on the other side of the door makes me feel more at ease. 

“I’ll let you pick the topic today,” She leans back in the chair, waiting for me to start. I guess that’s what I like about her, she doesn’t  pressure me into talking about everything. We both know why I’m here, and I’m smart enough to know I’ve got to get some of this out to someone. But knowing I could talk about classes or college or normal stressors makes me feel better. 

“I got an A on my paper for English class.” I start. 

“Great!” She replies enthusiastically. It’s sincere, so I can’t make fun of her for it. “I know you were worried about it.”   


“Yeah, thank God for Baz. He helped me edit it.” I smile. 

“Baz is really important to you, isn’t he?” She asks. 

“That’s an understatement.” I laugh. She smiles and lets silence envelop us again. 

“We used to be enemies though,” I chuckle. “He and I actually tore down most of the chem lab a year ago.”

“Ah yes,” She smiles. “I remember hearing about that. I’m glad you guys have come so far.” 

“Me too,” I smile. “I don’t know how I would have gotten through all of this without him.”

“It’s great to have people to support us, Simon.” She leans forward again. “Do you let him into the things going on in your head?”

“Uh,” I think for a minute. “More than others. He doesn’t get it all, but he seems to understand me without the words being said. That part is nice since I’m not always so great with my words.” 

“You’re plenty good with them Simon,” She smiles. “But maybe he would appreciate you being more open and honest, with less of the guessing game and intuition. Sometimes it’s nice to hear others say what is going on.” She shrugs. “Just a thought.”

“I guess.” I sigh. “I know he wants to talk more about the court date, but I’ve been avoiding the topic.” 

“Why do you think that is?” She asks. 

“Why would I want to avoid talking about seeing my dad for the first time since he almost killed me and my boyfriend?” I laugh back, but it comes out dry. “You could probably guess why.” 

“Maybe talking to Baz about it would help get some of the weight off your shoulders.” 

“Aren’t you supposed to get me to try and talk to  _ you  _ about stuff?”

“I’m here to listen and to help. I’m more a soundboard for things, and to guide when you need it. But you won’t always have me.” She shrugs. “I’m here to help you learn that you can lean on those around you because they’ll be around much longer than I will be.”

She pauses for a moment, and when I don’t say anything she continues. 

“The people in your life are around you for a reason, Simon. They love you, they care, and they want to help you. I hope you can find solace in them and let them in because I don’t want to see you shut people out. It won’t do you or them any good.” 

I nod quietly and think of Baz out in the hall. The person I love more than anything, and how he has saved me more than anyone else. 

“What if I don’t deserve it?” I ask quietly. 

“I think you are worthy of it all Simon,” she smiles. “You just need to let yourself believe that.” 

“He’s already so good to me, I don’t want to scare him away.” I shrug. 

“I’m not sure you could scare him away, but if you don’t let him in he might feel as helpless as you do right now.”

I know she is right, but I am still afraid. I’ve been burying myself in my work, pretending everything is okay, not wanting to acknowledge what’s coming, and most importantly, let the person who is trying so hard into my own head. 

**____________**

“Hey Baz,” I greet him, coming out of the office. 

“Milkshakes?” He smiles, closing his book and reaching for my hand. 

“Milkshakes.” I smile back. 

I try really hard not to make a John Green joke about how maybe milkshakes will be our always. 

But maybe they will be. Much like my mom and I, Baz and I have our own rituals. When things are tough, we get milkshakes and fries. Baz doesn’t act like my habit of dunking my fries into my shake is disgusting anymore, and joins in on occasion. 

When we sit down at the table and we have our food, I know I have to talk to him. 

“My therapist says I need to do a better job of letting other people into my head,” I state. It sounded better in my head, but now that I’ve said it out loud it feels more like I’m telling him my mom told me to do something. 

“I’d have to agree.” He says, swirling the straw around in his milkshake. “Do you agree?”

“Yeah,” I cough, “Yes, I mean. I do. So I thought I’d talk to you about something.”

“Go for it, Simon. You know I’m here for you.” He smiles and reaches a hand out to mine. 

“I’m terrified for Friday.” It comes out like word vomit. 

“That’s fair,” He replies back, waiting for me to continue. 

“It’s just,” I sigh. “I haven’t seen him since everything, and well.” I take a deep breath again. “You saw me when I  _ thought _ I saw him. What am I going to do when I actually see him?” 

“You’re going to be the brave person I know you are,” Baz says as he leans forward. “This won’t be like the time on the bus. You know what’s coming, and I’ll be right there next to you. I’d punch him in the face before I let him even look at you wrong.” 

“My hero,” I laugh. 

“But really, if it helps just think of the date I’m going to take you on Saturday.” He smiles. 

“That does help.” I smile back, and then reach for a fry. “Thanks for listening, I’m sorry I’m screwed up right now.” 

“We match,” He smiles. “I’m a little screwed up too. It’s not like I’m the pinnacle of mental health.” 

“We are hot messes.” I laugh. “I love you so much.” 

“I love you too,” He kisses my hand. 

We continue to eat and talk, and I feel a weight lift from my shoulders. 

**____________**

Friday approaches and Baz and I are missing our classes for the day. Our teachers understand completely, and he and I are both caught up on work. He lets me borrow his grey suit again for the trial, and I feel itchy and uncomfortable. 

“Relax,” He says, grabbing my hand. We are in the car on the way there, Daphne is driving us because she and Malcolm both came up. I love Baz’s family so much. “It’ll be alright, I promise.” I give him a small smile, although I am sure I’m not fooling him or me right now. 

“Did you eat, Simon?” Daphne asks from the front seat.

“Wasn’t really hungry,” I respond, my voice comes out shakier than I would have liked. 

“Big day,” She says back. “Maybe afterward we could all go out to lunch? I’m sure there will be a recess or break for lunch if it goes on too long.”

“Yeah, sure,” I lean my head on Baz’s shoulder and play with his fingers. I feel like a small child again, holding my mom’s hand while I’m on the way to the dentist. 

He gives the top of my head a kiss, a comfort I welcome right now. Having him close, knowing no matter what he is here to help me is the only thing keeping me grounded right now. 

Penny and Shepard are at school, but I can feel my phone vibrating with texts. Penelope ‘don’t text in class’ Bunce is breaking a rule set by her from day one. 

The first time I did it she gave me a lecture for  _ hours _ .

“Simon you need to pay attention in class.” She said, “I can’t believe you risked that. They don’t mess around here, you’ll get detention. You would think as the  _ Dean’s kid _ you would respect the rules.”

I laugh at the memory as I check my phone. Sure enough, it’s her texting me funny jokes, sweet words of encouragement, and telling me we will have a movie marathon this weekend. 

“Is Bunce being a mother hen?” Baz whispers to me. 

“No,” I reply, “worse if anything,” I add. 

“Sounds about right.” He lets out a deep sigh as we pull up to the courthouse. “Are you ready?”

“Will I ever be?” I joke back. He smiles and squeezes my hand, and we move out of the car. 

**____________**

I’m not sure what I expected of a courthouse, but it wasn’t this. It seems more intimidating than I thought. There is definitely a lot of wood, the tv shows got that right. Baz, his parents, and I take seats in the front row. 

When David finally walks in I feel Baz’s response to it before I actually see him. He holds me close, a sure sign he is trying to protect me from something. I see him walk up to his spot at one of the tables up front, and my heart rate spikes. I try to take deep breaths and remind myself that nothing bad can happen here. 

He can’t hurt me anymore. 

“Okay love?” Baz says in my ear.

“Never better,” I smile at him. 

When we sit down like this we are the same height. Usually Baz is a few inches taller than I am, but like this we are even. All of his height is in his legs, but he wouldn’t easily admit to that. I think he enjoys me leaning up to kiss him too much. (I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it too.)

**____________**

The trial goes as expected. They ask questions and interrogate different people. Apparently they did catch the guy David hired to kill my mother. We eat at a deli for lunch (Daphne got me an M&M cookie.)

I don’t get called up, not today at least. They end up calling a recess until Monday morning. I guess this means another day of trial. 

I’m so exhausted, and I didn’t even do anything today. I end up falling asleep on Baz for the car ride home. He shakes me awake when we get back to the dorms and I sleepily walk back up to our room.

“Bed?” He asks, shaking off his suit jacket. 

“Will you stay with me?” I ask quietly.

He moves close and kisses me softly. 

“Always, Simon.” I hold him close before removing my clothes and changing into something more comfortable. 

My last thoughts before drifting off are about Baz and our future. I hope there is one. There is a lot of stigma around high school romances, but this feels different. We are different, I think.

I hope he feels the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you're enjoying :). 
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early morning banter, Baz is in charge of a date, and a ruling on David. 
> 
> Also, Simon is avoiding something.

I wake up the following morning in Baz’s arms, feeling warm and safe. I know I’ll need to get up soon and pee, but I could stay like this forever. My head is on his chest, right over his heart. His chest is slowly rising and falling, and his heartbeat is thumping in my ear. I have one hand wrapped around his waist, and he has one arm under me, holding me close, and his other lays on my arm. 

I nuzzle closer and let out a sigh. 

“Good morning,” I hear. His voice is a bit groggy, but his arms move to pull me closer on instinct. 

“Morning,” I mumble back, moving my head so I can look up at him. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I’d say yes, but someone woke me up before nine in the morning.” He closes his eyes and shifts a bit in bed so we are lying side by side. 

“How do you already know what time it is? There’s not a clock on the wall or anything.”

“I can tell by the way the light shines through the window.” He pulls the blanket higher on his body. 

I turn around to grab my phone but he pulls me closer. 

“Shh..” He says, “Just trust me. It’s too early. Go back to sleep.” 

“I need to pee.” I laugh as he lays his head on my shoulder. 

“Spoilsport.” He turns around with his back to me. “Hurry up. And brush your teeth too- you’ve got morning breath.”

I roll my eyes despite the fact that he can’t see me. 

“You do too.” I jump off the bed and make my way to the bathroom. 

“Not until it’s a proper waking hour I don’t.” I hear him say as I walk out the door. 

On my way out of the bathroom, I pass a clock, clearly saying it is 9:37. I can’t help but smirk, ready to tell Baz his human sundial skills are faulty, but when I come back into the room I realize today is Baz’s date day. 

I crawl back into bed and wrap myself around Baz.

“You’re cold.” He moves closer to me. Apparently I’m not  _ that _ cold. 

“It’s almost 9:40,” I reply. If he’s going to insult me, I get to shatter his time skills too. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t trust me.” He has a mock offense in his voice. “How will I ever move past this in our relationship? The trust is gone.”

“I didn’t say we had to get up,” I kiss his shoulder. “You just might want to update your time skills.” 

“My time skills are on central time,” He turns around again to face me. His eyes are still closed. “I’m trying to be more accommodating for my midwestern boyfriend.” 

“Well, your midwestern boyfriend has been able to adjust to the time difference after this long, so I’m sure you can find a way to do the same. Having lived here your whole life.” I joke back. 

“Hmmm…” He hums. “I think not. In fact, I think I might start adjusting to mountain time.”

I poke his side and he jumps in response, but then I pull him close and let us enjoy a little bit longer in bed. 

**____________**

Baz left, trying to let me have the room to get ready in. I remember his conversation about me needing to wear a suit, so I’ve gotten into the grey suit I wore for the trial yesterday.

Just having it on makes me feel anxious. It’s transporting me back to the courtroom.

I take a few breaths. This isn’t the courthouse, this is a date with Baz. It’s good, great even. There is nothing to panic about. 

I spot an envelope on my desk, which only makes my panic worse. Earlier today I got a letter from MIT. 

I can’t open it. There’s too much. I can barely acknowledge it. 

It gets shoved into my sock drawer. It’ll be around later. 

I hear a knock at the door, and rush to answer it. 

“Hey,” He smiles. Baz looks gorgeous in anything. He also looks gorgeous in nothing, but that is beside the point. However, I can’t help but notice he isn’t wearing a suit. 

“Was there a change in the dress code?” _Please let me change._

“I’ve decided we don’t need suits today. So feel free to change, I’m sure you are desperate to do so.” He chuckles a bit, closing the door behind him. 

I can’t change quickly enough. Getting that suit off me is like shedding a layer of skin, one that needed to be gotten rid of. 

I know Baz likes the suit, but I think once this is all over I’ll need to get rid of it. I’m sure he’d be okay with it if it means he can get me another. 

“Okay,” I take a deep breath. “I’m ready now.”

“Perfect,” He reaches out a hand and we walk down the hallway to the elevator. 

____________

Baz drives us to dinner at a pizza place nearby where we split garlic bread and pepperoni pizza. 

“I’m surprised the date is as casual as this,” I laugh, “Not that I am complaining. I’ve loved it.”

“Well, I had to consider my audience,” He replies. “And you’ve had enough this week, I wasn’t going to make you sit in that suit at a fancy restaurant.”

“Thank you,” I say, reaching up to kiss him. 

“Next time though we are doing the whole nine yards.” He laughs. “You won’t know what hit you. Start thinking now about what fork you use first.”

I groan, but he kisses me, so I can’t complain too much. 

____________

We end the night with ice skating (I fall repeatedly, Baz is a  _ God _ , of course.) and hot cocoa. It is a stereotypical winter date night, and I absolutely love it. 

“Hey Baz,” I start while we walk back up to our room. “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.” He winks, opening the door. “But yes, continue.”

“I just,” I shake off my coat and put it on my chair and turn to look at him. “I love you so much. It’s actually insane how much I do.” He smiles. 

“I love you too.”

“And,” I cough. “I want you to know that I’m in this. For real. Like the long haul type of situation. I know we haven’t talked about it yet, and we’ve had enough going on that we haven’t had the chance, but whatever happens to us for school I want you to know I am all in. I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me.”

He stands there for a moment, leaving me feeling like I may be the only one who feels this way. Then he breaks into a smile and steps forward. 

“I love you, Simon,” He says before kissing me. “I choose you now and every day moving forward.” I can’t help but smile. 

“What a relief,” I say before pulling him close and kissing him.

“Glad we are on the same page,” He says in between kisses. 

“Now, I know you are an honorable man,” I smirk up at him. “But what is your opinion about sex on the second date?”

“Hmmm.” He ponders. “I could be persuaded.”

“Well then, let me persuade you.”

And that night I don’t have to think about the trial, my dad, school, or the letter I grabbed from the mailbox addressed from MIT. It’s just Baz and me. 

And nothing could be better than that. 

**____________**

Another day comes and goes, and I am getting ready for another day of trial. I think today is the day they’ll pull me up to interrogate (or whatever they call it.)

“Ready?” Baz asks. 

I tried to get him to go to classes today, but he wouldn’t have it. Said he wanted to be there for me, and that he was a witness anyway so maybe they’d need him to testify (there’s the word!) 

“I guess,” I say, already donning the grey suit I had on Friday. 

Baz is driving us today. Daphne and Malcolm are coming too, but Baz says this way we can do whatever we need to after the trial. 

I hope he means milkshakes. 

“You’ll be wonderful.” He says as we walk up to the courthouse. 

“We both know I’m shit at talking,” I laugh. “I won’t be surprised if somehow I get convicted of something just because I stumble too much.”

“It won’t be bad,” He grabs my hand. “You’ll certainly not be the one going to jail.” I shrug in response and he bumps me. He doesn’t like it when I shrug, but I can’t help it. 

We go through security and walk to the courthouse, taking the seats in the front row. A lot of people are already there, including David, and are having quiet discussions. 

I wonder how his defense attorneys are trying to get him out of this? Or if they’re going to try for a plea deal. 

I just hope he is put away for a long time. I don’t even want to think about what might happen if he gets out. 

“Okay Simon,” One of the prosecutors says to me, turning around to look. “You’re going to take the stand today, do you think you’re ready for that?” I gulp but nod reluctantly. 

I don’t know the two who are helping prosecute David, but they seem nice. They’ve asked me some questions and are trying to get him put away for life without parole, but they’re not the two lawyers I started talking too back when this all started. I think they’re just state attorneys, but they seem to know what they’re doing. 

Everything gets started, and I’m called to the stand, and my heart is thumping so loud I’m sure people on the street can hear it. Baz gives me a warm smile and I walk up to make an oath not to lie, and sit down, facing the crowd. 

The questions come quickly, and I stumble through half my answers. When Baz and I talk it feels easy and normal, but being in a room full of people who are watching and listening to my every word it’s a different ball game. 

They ask me to recount the phone call I overheard, the abuse throughout the years and the day they found me. The defense asks me questions to try to make it look like I’m lying, which I’m sure David encouraged them to do. 

He always says I’m lying, and I worried for many years maybe I was. But I know what happened, I know the truth, and it’s exactly how it played out. He won’t convince me I am wrong in the head anymore. 

When they dismiss me I walk to my seat and immediately Baz is holding my hand and is whispering encouragement in my ear. I can feel David’s eyes on me, and without thinking I look up. 

His face is red and he looks upset. For a moment I wonder if it’s because of everything I said, but he is glaring at Baz. That’s when I realize what’s happening right now. 

I never did tell him Baz and I were together, and I’m glad I didn’t do so. He looks ready to pounce. 

“I’m sorry your honor,” He speaks up. “I feel like it is really inappropriate for these two boys to be canoodling here. Maybe they should be removed from the premises.”

His lawyers look exasperated, and I wonder how many times he has done things they’ve asked him not to. Baz tenses and I rub his arm to try to calm him down. 

“Sir, they are causing no problems in my eyes. If you are going to attack people in my courtroom, however, then we can certainly have you removed.” He pauses, waiting to see how David responds. When he doesn’t, he allows questioning to continue. They’ve got an expert on the stand I think. I’ve checked out so I’m not sure. 

Baz relaxes after a few moments and I rest my head on his shoulder. David continues to glance back at us, but I begin to ignore him. He was bound to realize eventually. I’m not sure if I thought he’d accept this or not, or whether he is upset it’s Baz or that it’s a boy. 

I’m not sure I really care either way. He’s got programs running through his shelters that service LGBT youths, but if I’ve learned anything through the years, that mentality doesn’t extend to his own offspring. 

“He might break his neck with the amount of restraint he is using to not stare at us the whole time,” Baz whispers in my ear. 

“Let him look,” I shrug. “I couldn’t care at this point.” 

Baz responds by pulling me a little closer, and we sit like that for the rest of the time. It’s finally called for people to make a decision, which I guess they’ll have tomorrow. 

It feels weird that this whole thing is over. Should I feel sadder about it all? I’ve lost my mom, and now I’m about to be essentially parentless. 

With everything he has done, I can’t quite bring myself to feel bad for him. If I’m being honest I just feel numb. If Baz hadn’t been working so hard I’m sure I would have sunk into myself. I should really do something nice for him. 

“I know this is your suit and all,” I say when we get in the car. “But I feel like it’s mine at this point.”

“Correct.” He nods. 

“I want to burn it.”

“I mean, fair.” He offers. “But maybe we could donate it?”

“Burning feels symbolic.” I groan then, knowing he is right. “But I guess we could do that. To a good place that’ll give it for free though.”

“We can do that for sure,” He replies, then gives me a glance and a smirk. “Does this mean I get to take you shopping for a new suit?”

“A new suit? I didn’t even technically have one in the first place.” I laugh.

“All the more reason.”

“If you must. But I feel like I should be the one to get you something.”

“This is getting me something. Your butt in nice fitting pants is a gift to this world.”

“Oh my god.” I squeal, knowing how red my face has gone. 

**____________**

The next day the jury comes back with a sentence, and David is put away for life. He is also charged with kidnapping and drugging his child. 

I should probably ask about what happened to the person who actually  _ did _ the killing. I kind of checked out, being more focused on what was happening with David. 

But weight is lifted as I watch him leave the hall. He and I make eye contact as he passes me, and I am immensely grateful he is restrained. The look on his face is one I’ve seen many times, whether it is from the way he would yell at me, or how he looked before the times he hit me. 

I try to look strong, but my throat feels dry. 

“It’s done Simon,” Baz says in my ear. “He won’t be able to hurt you anymore.”

I look back to him, and for once I believe him. It’s done. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! We finally have David taken care of (phew). 
> 
> I hope the next couple chapters bring you closure and some fluff moving forward :). 
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College letters and high school dances. 
> 
> Warning: brief mentions of midwesternism.

“You know you’re going to have to acknowledge it eventually.” I hear Baz say from the other side of the room. 

“What do you mean?” I turn to look at him, genuinely confused. 

“The letter you’ve had hidden under stuff on your desk since before the trial.” He looks at me, raising his eyebrow. 

“Oh.” I lean against my bed, glancing at the pile of things currently occupying the space on my desk. 

It’s been three weeks since the trial, spring break is in another week, and I still haven’t opened the letter. I’m not sure what I want it to say, to be honest. This year has been so exhaustingly overwhelming, I’m not sure if I want to even  _ go _ at this point. 

Maybe I should just stick at Ebb’s or something. 

“Look, if you’re scared of what is inside..” He starts.

“It’s not that.” I interrupt. He pauses and closes his mouth. 

“Well, then what is it?” 

“This year has been a lot. It’s just-” I sigh, trying to gather my words. “I don’t know if I want to go.” 

I wait for a reaction, but he doesn’t give one. He is waiting patiently for me to continue. 

“Like I’ve managed to lose the only parent I had left,” He opens his mouth to retort but I hold a hand up to stop him. “I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but I am saying it hasn’t been the joy ride that I imagined my senior year to be.” I shrug. “Maybe a year break could be good.”

“Then all the more reason to open it.” He is looking at me like I’m a special kind of idiot. 

“It’s hard to explain,” I start to pull my hair a bit. Nervous habit. “But if I open that letter and I’m accepted, then there is the pressure to go. I mean it’s a  _ huge _ opportunity, and something I’ve wanted for a while. People will look at me like I’m insane if I don’t go.”

“I don’t think anyone would think that,” Baz is closer than he was before. I hate how  _ understanding _ he is being. We both know I’m being ridiculous. 

“What if I mess everything up?” I wave my hands frantically before he grabs them. 

“What could you possibly mess up?”

“My life.” I half shout out. “Then I’ll be the crazy sophomore aged freshman who shows up and is behind everyone else and then I’ll never find a job and I’ll just be a lowlife loser. You don’t need to be stuck around a loser so you’ll leave me and I’ll be that weird guy who has no family or friends and works at the petting zoo until he dies.” I exhale finally. 

“So you’re spiraling.” He states. 

“You think?” I feel the emotional frustration seeping out of my pores at this point. 

“Yes,” He sighs. “People take gap years all of the time, and I actually think it might be good for you.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, you’re right this year has been hell. College will be there when you’re ready.” 

“I guess,” I glance at my desk again.

“You know you can defer your acceptance right?” He asks, following my line of sight. 

_Defer my acceptance?_

“I didn’t even think of that,” I whisper. 

“Well thank god you have me,” He nudges my arm. “Just go read it and see. You’ve got nothing to lose.”

I sigh and walk to my desk, immediately pulling it from the stack. For a paper I’ve been trying to avoid, I have known exactly where it’s been this entire time. I turn to Baz and he gives me an encouraging head nod and I open the letter to read it. 

“Well?” He asks impatiently. I’ve been standing here in silence, reading every word on the page, and forgot that he was waiting for an answer. 

“I got in.” I look up, smiling. 

I feel my stomach unclench a little. I didn't realize how much this letter was weighing on me. 

Now I have to figure out what I'm going to _do_ with it. 

“Perfect” He smiles back, walking over to look at the letter with me. “You’re brilliant, you know that?” 

“I don’t know about that, I was a bumbling idiot a few moments ago.”

“We all have our moments, Snow.” 

“I guess now I have some thinking to do.” I slip the letter back into the envelope and place it back on my desk. 

“Yes you do.” He looks at my desk. I know he wants to clear it up, it is quite messy.

“Harvard and MIT aren’t that far away from each other,” I say quietly. 

“You are correct.” He looks back at me. 

“So we could maybe even live together if we really wanted to.” I shrug. “Or at least visit often.” 

He smiles and nods. I’m still not sure I’m going to go next year, but I am relieved to have read what was in the envelope. 

**____________**

Spring break comes and goes, and it’s a weird experience. Baz went on a trip with Fiona, something about a final hoorah before he runs to college and becomes an old fart. Daphne and Malcolm invited me to their house, but I would have felt weird with them. 

Instead, I went to Omaha with Shepard. I’ve been before, seen the zoo and all that, but it was cool to be back in the midwest for a bit. We tried to do typical midwestern things like saying ‘ope’ and eating Culvers. 

Shepard even got me to get a Runza (which I had refused to try up until this moment.) It wasn't so bad, actually. 

Baz and I didn’t talk too much (Fiona interrupted one of our phone calls asking when I was going to make an honest man out of him, so we decided that we could just catch up after break.)

“Would you ever want to go back and visit your childhood home?” Shepard asks as we take the elevator up to our dorms. 

“I don’t know,” I shrug. “I wanted to stay there so badly my first semester here. Like if I went back then everything would return to normal. Mom would be alive, I’d have things figured out, maybe my girlfriend at the time would have taken me back. But now, I don’t know.” 

“Fair,” He nods in response. 

“I’m sure I’ll visit one day. But I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.” I step out of the elevator and turn to him before going down the hall. “Thanks, though, for letting me visit yours. It was a great time.”

“Anytime Simon,” He grins. “It was nice to have you.” 

We wave and walk in our separate directions. The final part of our high school careers is just beginning. 

**____________**

“You know prom is coming up,” I mention while we both work in our room. Baz hums in response, meaning he isn’t paying attention. 

I take a play from his book and toss an eraser at him. 

“What, Snow?” He says, tossing it back at me. “I’m trying to do my work.”

“Prom is coming up.”

“Yes, I know. The event where everyone gets together and someone spikes the punch and teenagers get drunk. I’ve seen the flyers.” He turns back to his book. 

“Here I thought you’d want to go,” I shrug, moving to pick up my book. “My bad. Figured we could finally get that suit you wanted to get me and everything.”

“Do you want to go to prom? Dancing doesn’t seem up your alley.” He still isn’t looking at me. 

“I thought it would be nice,” I shrug again and he glares at me. “We don’t have to though.”

“So..” He starts. “You’re asking me to prom?”

“Well, I’m not going to do the big promposal thing if that’s what you’re-”

“Oh no please don’t do that.”

“Wait-” I stop. “Are you saying yes?”

“I’ve not been asked anything.”  _ Stubborn asshole. _

“Baz, will you go to prom with me?” I ask sincerely. 

He ponders for a moment. 

“What day is it on again?” He has a smile forming on his face. I can’t tell if I want to throw a pillow at his face or kiss that look right off. 

“Oh my-”

“Yes!” He jumps up and kisses me. Any frustration I felt is immediately washed away. 

**____________**

I haven’t worn a suit since the trial, but this feels different. The fabric Baz chose feels lighter, like I can breathe, and it fits better. I know Baz is taller than me, but I guess I forgot how much of his height is in his legs. Any time I borrow a pair of pants I have to roll up the bottom of the jeans. 

It’s a navy blue suit, and Baz insisted that we get boutonnières to go with them. I bought one for him that matches my suit, and he bought one that matches his, and then we are going to swap. This way we can both match. 

He is wearing a maroon suit, and it takes my breath away. Well, not the suit, Baz takes my breath away. Baz _ in _ the suit. 

“Well Snow,” he pulls out the boutonnière he bought for me, “come here and don’t squirm so I don’t stab you.”

“Aren’t parents supposed to take pictures of this or something?” I laugh. 

“Fiona tried to be here, but I thought it was in our best interest she not show up for this.” He clips it in one fluid motion. 

I take a few tries before I get his on before we leave to meet Penny and Shepard. 

“So this is supposed to be like the pinnacle of our teenage years, right?” I joke as we walk down the hall to Shepard’s room. 

“God if one more person tells me this should be the highlight of my life I might choke them.” 

“Kinky,” I smirk. He hits me. 

“Hey now, no fighting tonight,” Shepard states as he walks out of his dorm. He is wearing a black tux with a yellow bowtie. “Y’all ready to get Penny?” 

“Are  _ you  _ ready?” I ask in response. 

“Oh yes,” He starts walking before turning around suddenly. “Wait! The corsage!” He runs back to his room to grab it. I can see it through the container, it’s yellow and white. She must be wearing a yellow dress. 

“Okay,” He sighs. “Now I’m for real ready.”

We head down and meet Penny outside of her dorm. She is wearing a full-length yellow dress. It sinches at her waist and poofs out a bit. She puts her hands inside of her dress (pockets, it must be) and walks over to us. 

“Hello boys,” She beams. “Are you all ready?” 

“Yup,” Baz and I respond in unison. Shepard stands staring at Penny. I nudge him and he comes back to life. 

“Oh hey- uh yeah. I’m ready.” He thrusts out the corsage. “I got you something.”

“Thanks,” She laughs, grabbing the box. “Will you help me put it on?”

“Yes!” He shakes his head and grabs the box again. “Of course.” Then he takes the corsage out of the box and puts it on her left wrist. It matches perfectly and the smile on her face is huge when she looks back up at him. 

I think Shepard might be broken. 

“Maybe we should let them have their time alone,” Baz whispers in my ear. I nod and we walk down the sidewalk. 

In classic school fashion, prom is in the gym. I thought a posh place like this would have done prom at a fancy place nearby, but I guess some high school traditions are sacred. 

At least that is what I think until I see what they’ve done. It’s almost unrecognizable. 

“Is this the gym?” I look around in confusion.

“Gotta leave it to Trixie to make the gym look this good,” Baz says under his breath. He looks just as stunned as I am. 

“Let’s hope the food is just as good,” I say as I walk to the table. Baz groans but follows me reluctantly. 

“Simon at least find a seat first.”

“Food first, seat second.” I raise a finger while counting. When I get to the table I look around for what I want. 

“Too many options Snow?” Baz asks, grabbing a plate for me. 

“There aren’t any sandwiches.” I look up at him. He’s grabbing some fruit and then the chicken pasta dish they have out. 

“Well no, this is a nice event. Sandwiches aren’t really on the menu for this kind of thing.”

“But,” I drop my shoulders in defeat. “The sandwiches here are pretty good.”

“You can get one tomorrow.” Baz gives me the ‘you’re being an idiot, Snow’ look. 

“I guess,” I groan, grabbing a roll before getting some roast. Baz rolls his eyes and grabs us both napkins before we head to a table. 

Penny and Shepard show up and they both are so taken with each other they don’t even notice us. Baz and I take the time to do some people watching, trying to figure out who is already drunk or high. 

“Dev for sure,” Baz points. His friend is swaying back and forth on the dance floor, seemingly dancing with no one. 

“Are you sure he just doesn’t know how to dance?” I ask.

“That too, but I can tell by the way he keeps rubbing his nose.”

“Did he do cocaine?” I’m suddenly very worried about him.

“Lord no, he just gets stuffy when he gets drunk.” Baz laughs. 

“That’s a thing?” 

“It is for Dev.”

“Wow, you learn something new every day.” I shrug. Baz is tapping his fingers on the table when I realize something. “Do you wanna, you know,” I cough, “go dance?” 

He looks at me with an eyebrow raised before smiling and nodding. I grab his hand and we walk out to the dance floor. Everyone is jumping around to some rap song, but it quickly ends and the DJ tells everyone to get with their date for a slow dance. 

Baz wraps his arms around my waist and I wrap mine around his neck and we start swaying slowly back and forth. A lot of the other people leave the dance floor, but enough are left that we aren’t alone. 

“Are you happy we came?” I ask, trying not to step on his feet. 

“I’m wishing we practiced first.” He winces as I accidentally step on a toe.

“Sorry, I’m not very good at this,” I grimace. “But we will need to do this more. Then maybe I’ll get better.”

“I like the idea of that.” He smiles and puts his forehead on mine. We dance like that even as the song changes to something more upbeat. 

We do leave when the Cupid’s Shuffle comes on though. 

“I think the diner is still open if you want a shake,” He glances at me as we walk out of the gym.

“It’s like you can read my mind.” I smile, already thinking about fries and a strawberry shake. 

“I just know you so well,” He smiles. “The way to your heart has always been through food. If only I had known that from the beginning. I could have just brought brownies into the room and we would have hit it off right away.”

“Oh, brownies sound good.” Baz nudges me as I laugh. 

“Idiot."

“Asshole.” I smile at him. 

“I love you,” He says in response.

“I love you too.” I kiss his shoulder and we walk to his car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Runza= this dough roll filled with cabbage and other random things. My Omaha friends seem to like the cheeseburger one. If you ever go to a Huskers game (meaning a football game at Lincoln NE) there's someone there shouting RUNZA in the stands and will throw one at you (after you pay, of course.)
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> Also check out my playlists :D.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graduation and road trips. 
> 
> The end of an era.

“Okay Simon,” Penny says. “How much longer? We need to go!”

“Just another minute,” I respond. 

I’m looking in the mirror adjusting my cap and gown. Penny is impatiently waiting on the other side of the door for me, and Baz is with his family, who insisted on photos. He tried to make me tag along, but I think I want to do this alone. 

They’ve helped me so much through this past year, I want to let them have a moment where I didn’t intrude. They need to celebrate the person Baz is, without my black cloud. 

“It’s been a minute!” She shouts again, pounding on the door. 

“Sorry,” I say, opening the door. She is there, curly hair waving over her shoulders, cap in her hand, and eyes glaring at me. “Are you ready?”

“Was an hour ago Simon, now let’s go!” She pulls me from the room and starts walking me to the elevator. “I refuse to be late to my own graduation.”

“We aren’t late!”

“We need to be there in two minutes!” She whips around. 

“Well then keep walking.” I push her along. She huffs but gives up and gets into the elevator. 

“Is your family here?” I ask. 

“Yeah, they’re already taking their seats. They wanted to make sure to get a good view of the stage, so they left me about an hour ago.”

“Have you heard from Shepard?”

“Yeah, we had breakfast this morning, his family and mine. It was definitely an interesting experience.” She laughs. “But his family is fawning over him right now. I think they may have missed him.”

“I imagine so.” I wonder if my mom would be fawning over me right about now?

She would.

“Hey now,” She pauses before we walk into the auditorium. “Put a smile on that face. Today is a happy day. And then we have a road trip planned this summer, so we’ve got many fun things going for us.”

“I know, I just-” I pause, a lump catching in my throat. I cough to try to get it out, but my eyes have already started watering. “I wish she were here to see this.”

“Oh, Simon.” She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. I try hard not to ruin her hair, or cry too much.  _ Be strong, Simon _ . 

“It’ll be okay,” I say, more for me than her. “I’ve got you.” I look down and smile. 

“Hey now,” I hear behind me. I turn around and Shepard is there, big round glasses and all. “You’ve got more than just Penny here.” He pats me on the back and gives me a smile. 

“Finally escape your family?” Penny asks, reaching to pull him in. 

“I don’t know about escape, more they just needed to finally get to some seats.” He laughs. “You going to be good, Simon?” He looks over at me. I nod lightly.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“A group hug?” Says a familiar voice. “Well now, here I thought I didn’t have to share my boyfriend.” I laugh and tilt my head back to look up at Baz.

“There is plenty of me to go around, you know.” I wink.

He reaches down and gives me a small kiss.

“But I want it all.” He whispers. I can feel myself blush, and can’t help but smile up at him. 

“Okay losers,” Dev says from nearby. “Stop being gushy and get in here so we can graduate.”

“If you don’t hurry Baz I’m giving your valedictorian speech,” Niall shouts from behind Dev. 

“Better hurry up then. There’s no way he is going to be appropriate.” Baz smiles. 

We break our hug, but Baz reaches for my hand as we walk in. 

“I missed you.” He whispers.

“It’s been like three hours.” I laugh. “But I missed you too.”

“You’re a sap.” 

“You love it.”

“You’re right, I do.” He smiles, and we both go our separate ways to get in line. 

He is in the middle of the line, and I’m towards the back. I thought it might be an issue, but people seemed to be understanding that I didn’t want to go by my father’s last name. So that took me out of the ‘L’ section. 

“Simon, here’s your card.” Someone gives me. They’ve got a stack of them, all with our names (and pronunciations too if they’re hard to say.)

I reach out and grab it and look down, and I can’t help the smile that creeps up on my face. 

_ Simon Snow Salisbury. _

She may not be here physically, but I am bringing my mother across the stage with me. Baz and I have talked about maybe getting my name changed permanently, but decided to wait until I got through this first.

I kind of like the sound of Salisbury though. 

**____________**

“So, Simon,” Daphne says as we start to leave dinner. “I don’t want to pester, but I am curious. What did you end up deciding for school?” 

I’m honestly relieved people haven’t been pestering me about it. I was honest when people asked, that I might be pushing it off a year. I even had talked to them about it before I started debating. 

They said it could be an option, considering everything. 

“Uh, well.” I start, walking beside her. Baz is being dragged in the other direction by Mordelia, looking at me in a panic state. I don’t think he heard Daphne ask, I think he is just scared at what Mordelia has planned for him. “I talked to the admissions people, and we agreed to revisit my enrollment at semester.” I cringe a bit, expecting a lecture. 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, Simon.” She says, a warm smile on her face. 

“You do?” I’m honestly surprised. Everything about their family is very ‘go to college immediately after high school’, so to be supported like this feels strange. 

“Yes. Given everything you’ve gone through this year, I think you deserve a break.” She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Take care of yourself, Simon.” She leans over and kisses my forehead, then walks off to save Baz from Mordelia. 

I’m left stunned for a moment, so much so I don’t register Baz walking up to me. 

“What was that about?” He asks when he gets closer. 

“Oh, she was just asking about school.” 

“Hopefully she didn’t say anything bad.” His brows furrow. 

“No, she was actually really supportive and lovely.” I reach an arm around and hug him close. “I’m not making a dumb decision, right?”

“Not at all,” He wraps his arms around me too. “I think it’s exactly what’s needed. You’ve got your whole life to be a huge science nerd anyways.”

“Oh my god,” I roll my eyes and lean up to kiss him. 

“Come on boys! We’ve got to get the kids back to the hotel before they start screaming!” Malcolm shouts from the car.

“Like they already weren’t” Baz mumbles. I poke his side and run before he can try to get me back. 

**____________**

The following summer, Penny, Baz, Shepard, and I go on a road trip. Shepard stayed behind to come with us, because our final destination is his house. 

Getting Baz and Penny to come to the midwest is definitely an experience. 

“What do people out here even do?” Penny asked as we started driving through Missouri.

“Go to Walmart,” Shepard responds, a piece of beef jerky hanging from his mouth.

“Drive around town.” I laugh, reaching behind me for some Chex Mix. 

“Dear god,” Baz whispers in response. 

Shepard and I can’t help but bust out laughing. 

“You must be so happy to have gotten out of here,” Penny says before leaning back against Shepard. 

He and I share a glance and shrug. 

“It’s really not so bad,” I say. “And there are plenty of cities. New York may have its city, but the whole state isn’t some exciting rave or anything.”

“Fair,” Baz responds. “Now how much longer until we get to your house.”

I look at my phone to check. 

“Only about five more minutes.” My heart is beating quickly. I know I won’t be able to see inside (I’m not sure I want to), but being back here feels surreal. 

We pass Agatha’s house and I feel a tinge of nostalgia.  _ I wonder how she is doing _ . 

“Pull over here,” I tell him, pointing to a spot a few houses down from the one I grew up in. “I want to check something out.” 

Baz does, and we all file out of the car. I turn immediately to the set of mailboxes. There is a bit of concrete there, and a handprint I made when I was young is still sitting there in the ground. 

“I did that when I was four.” I point, showing Baz. He steps over and looks down. 

“Adorable.” He kisses my forehead. “Is the large one next to it your-”

“Mom yeah,” I smile. 

It’s nice to know we still have this here. 

“And if you look there.” I point to a pole across the road with a big dent in it, “I caused that when mom first tried to teach me to drive.” 

“Does nothing get fixed around here?” Penny says. Shepard nudges her and makes wide eyes. “What? It’s adorable but like dang, it’s a bit crazy.”

“You’re right. They’re not so good at fixing things. You should see the potholes in winter.”

Shepard groans, because he gets it. 

I guide them down the road to the house I grew up in. It’s nothing exciting, not like what Baz lives in. But it was home. More home than the house David and I lived in New York. 

It’s a light yellow shade, and the gutters are still dented. I wonder if the faucet in the kitchen still drips, or if the window in the living room still lets in a little too much cold air during the winter. 

I let a deep sigh out. 

“Do you want to try to go in?” Shepard asks from my right. 

“No,” I ponder. “I don’t think I’m ready just yet. Being here is nice. It makes everything feel more real. Like I didn’t just imagine the first sixteen years of my life.”

Penny hugs me close to her, and Shepard wraps his arms around both of us. We just stand there for what seems like ages, until I realize if anyone  _ is  _ home we must seem really creepy. 

I cough and turn toward Baz, who is looking at me with extremely soft eyes. 

“Milkshakes?” I smirk, knowing he will say yes. 

He rolls his eyes, but smiles and nods, leading the way back to his car. 

**____________**

Baz and I do come back to the house again, three years later. It’s the summer before his senior year of college (and mine if I can get permission to go over on hours in the spring), so we decided to do another trip. 

We walk to the front step and knock, just to see if anyone is home. 

“No one is here, I’m sure,” I whisper to Baz. 

“Then we’ve nothing to worry about.” He smiles down at me. 

I’m caught off guard when someone does answer the door. 

“Hello?” She looks a little confused. 

“Hi, I’m so sorry to bug you, ma’am.” I start, trying to capitalize on all the ingrained midwestern politeness I have in me. “I grew up in this house before my mom died, and was wondering if maybe I could take a look inside?”

“Oh,” She looks hesitant before she looks back up at me. “What’s your name?”

“Uh, Simon.” I guess she should know my name before letting me into the house. 

“Simon Snow?” 

“Uh, yes?” _How did she know?_

“Oh yes, come in come in. I’ve got something for you.” She ushers us in and into the living room. 

It’s so much different than it was when I lived here before. The walls are a different color, the couch is a soft grey color where ours was a bright blue. She rushes to the back room, leaving us alone in the doorway. 

“Wow, really trusting huh?” Baz chuckles beside me. I hit his chest.

“Oh shush.”

“Here it is!” She says, rushing back to us. “I’m sorry when I moved in I found this but had no idea how to return it. It seemed kind of important. I thought whoever it belonged to might want it back.” She hands over a necklace. 

I recognize it almost immediately. My mom had lost it years ago, so I almost forgot it existed. It’s a silver heart locket, but it never actually opened. 

“Open it,” Baz whispers next to me.

“No, I don’t think it does. I never could get it open when I was little.” I shrug. “But it was hers.” I look up at the woman in front of us. “Thanks so much, really I do appreciate it.” 

“That necklace definitely opens.” She replies, a confused look on her face. “That’s how I knew your name.”

She reaches out, but I immediately figure out the latch and open it. 

“Oh,” I pause, looking up at them. “I never knew it did that.”

Inside I see a picture of me when I was three years old. On the left side of the locket, there is an engraving. 

_ Simon Snow. My Rosebud Boy.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I've got a lot to say, but first just thanks so much for reading this! I've appreciated every comment, kudos, or message on Tumblr about this. It was certainly a labor of love. 
> 
> My betas don't have Tumblrs or ao3's, but like shout out to my bffs Bree and Liz for supporting me, reading all 92k words of this (and rereading when I have late night panics), and not yelling at me if I took 2 weeks off from writing. They're the best in the whole world <3\. 
> 
> If you'd like to talk to me on Tumblr please do. I'd love it! Check me out [here](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)
> 
> I've also got a few playlists that you can check out on Spotify. 
> 
> [If Not For You](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3nrOvGrJ4coza6SzP59OLl?si=RJ2bLL8IScaXNzBH0op5kQ)
> 
> [🦖](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1qIzvAfH37B5ROGMi0MKVS?si=bpcn9ELJRIigtUevogYA3g)
> 
> [ It's Chemistry](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54yQAb1rnmy4HHu9l9NMxq?si=gBRVY8Q5RSO4uj9W09y2ig)
> 
> Thanks again for everything. I hope you've enjoyed this story, and I hope I've left you with a satisfying ending. :).


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